terrible weekend
i feel really depressed. i was so good last week at fasting and being so anti-purging... this weekend was the worst. i know i've been trying to stay mia-free, but last night i had a dinner that i could NOT avoid with my friends and there was no way i was going to keep an ounce of that food in my system (although i was good about eating mostly celery, carrots, and lettuce without dressing out of my salad - but there was definitely some garlic bread and pasta mixed in there) especially after having been so good all week. it's amazing how one day i'll be at less than 100 calories, and the next day i'll manage to exceed 500 calories in less than 5 minutes. the worst part is, when i start eating, i just can't stop... that's why i so much rather being ana because i know that i CAN control myself - but as soon as i pop one thing in my mouth, it's like something totally takes over me and i have to eat until i'm not only satiated, but literally about to explode and my head is throbbing. i did it again tonight - at dinner. i don't know what's wrong with me. i guess i felt like since i had such a bad weekend, i might as well finish it off like this and REALLY start all over again tomorrow. but my heart felt like it was racing and my head was spinning as i was stuffing my face with frozen yogurt and cereal at dinner ...
i don't know about anyone else who has been mia, but i absolutely hate purging and don't see any joy or gratification in it at all. and plus, there's always the fear that i haven't emptied myself out completely.
other than my eating issues, i actually had a wonderful time this weekend - mostly because of my dear boyfriend. last night we were both really drunk and when we were in bed, he kept saying that he had a "message" for me that he couldn't tell me ... i'm really hoping it's the "l-bomb" (not to sound cheesy or anythign but i don't want to jinx it by saying it!) because i've wanted to tell him that so badly lately but i want for him to tell me first. the guy should DEFINITELY say it first, in my personal opinion. he is so, so good to me... but at times it makes me sad that he cares about me so much and puts me on such a pedestal in his life - and yet, he has NO clue about this horrible side of me. it's such a double life... he sees me as his beautiful, perfect and flawless girlfriend who is skinny (in his eyes, at least) and he has absolutely no suspicion of the fact that my mind is consumed by the thought of food almost all the time.
i don't mean to think SO ahead of time, but sometimes i get worried about what it's going to be like when i get married one day. how will (and will i even be able to?) hide this side of me from my own husband, who i will be living with 24/7? Is it possible to share your life with someone and still have them never really find out about the real you? it scares me to think that one day i might have to get over this - and i know that pregnancy is definitely one hurdle when i'm going to have to sacrifice my body-image ideals for a greater purpose. until then, there's nothing else i could ever see me stopping me in my journey towards bodily perfection...
i don't know about anyone else who has been mia, but i absolutely hate purging and don't see any joy or gratification in it at all. and plus, there's always the fear that i haven't emptied myself out completely.
other than my eating issues, i actually had a wonderful time this weekend - mostly because of my dear boyfriend. last night we were both really drunk and when we were in bed, he kept saying that he had a "message" for me that he couldn't tell me ... i'm really hoping it's the "l-bomb" (not to sound cheesy or anythign but i don't want to jinx it by saying it!) because i've wanted to tell him that so badly lately but i want for him to tell me first. the guy should DEFINITELY say it first, in my personal opinion. he is so, so good to me... but at times it makes me sad that he cares about me so much and puts me on such a pedestal in his life - and yet, he has NO clue about this horrible side of me. it's such a double life... he sees me as his beautiful, perfect and flawless girlfriend who is skinny (in his eyes, at least) and he has absolutely no suspicion of the fact that my mind is consumed by the thought of food almost all the time.
i don't mean to think SO ahead of time, but sometimes i get worried about what it's going to be like when i get married one day. how will (and will i even be able to?) hide this side of me from my own husband, who i will be living with 24/7? Is it possible to share your life with someone and still have them never really find out about the real you? it scares me to think that one day i might have to get over this - and i know that pregnancy is definitely one hurdle when i'm going to have to sacrifice my body-image ideals for a greater purpose. until then, there's nothing else i could ever see me stopping me in my journey towards bodily perfection...