Farewell....
It appears that the 'morning blow' from Saturn the other day, is indeed, real. All words would sound um...stupid, and inadequate. How do you explain the unexplainable?
When you form attachments to someone, usually there is a reason. When I think of all the reasons I thought I was attached to this particular person, none of them ring true anymore.
So I am left wondering what took so long for the tenuous thread to break? And was I unconsciously pulling and picking at it just to see if it would, in fact, break? I trusted one of my most precious other attachments (one that cannot and will not be broken) to this person. Knowing that they possessed wisdom of the kind needed for the situation, and counting on their steadfastness in their path, their code of honor, to guide my attachment safely as they navigated new territory (or not).
All the reasons I did that are tied up in this 'attachment' I had formed to this person. And all of them are moot now. I am left wondering if I made a mistake 14 years ago in taking this person to my heart and trusting them like family. My heart aches with unsaid words, unexpressed gratitude and non-specific anger. Apparently I not only made a mistake, but so did they. And now, we go on, our paths forever separated by the choice to snatch the tenuous cord just to see if it would break. It broke. And something in me has broken in response.
We shall see how many ripples this break creates. And how many other 'attachments' break or form in response. For now, there is a hole in my heart the exact match to this attachment. There is no other attachment in the world that can fill it's place. Nothing shaped like it, that feels like it, that reacts like it. This attachment has been a fixture in a part of my life for a very long time. I did not ask it to go away, and would welcome it back were it to reappear.
I don't understand why I feel the way I do, except that when a person enters my 'chosen' family it's because they are that...'family'. I've never quite learned how to process that kind of loss that doesn't occur due to death. My blood family wrote me off years ago...except for my daughter. So what 'family' I have is precious to me. So I mourn the loss of a chosen family member, who did not die, just ...went away. I caused it, with words, too hastily spoken perhaps. But words that were nonetheless true.
And so Saturn racks up another on the list of direct hits to my heart. Definitely a 'whoa moment' but not quite paralyzing.... but enough to knock me off center and hurt like hell.
I feel likke the dumb kid in fourth grade again, the one who was told and told and told how to do long division, and couldn't grasp it. I feel like there is something missing but I don't know what it is. All I know is that it hurts, and in a way I never thought such a thing could.
So this feeling must be grief...mourning. That's the only thing I can think of that cuts straight to my heart that I can't do anything about it. I have felt this before. It passes....sort of. It's one of those things you go through, not get over, not get around, or avoid.
Words are so inadequate right now...but they are all I have, and for that I am profoundly sorry because they are most certainly not enough.
When you form attachments to someone, usually there is a reason. When I think of all the reasons I thought I was attached to this particular person, none of them ring true anymore.
So I am left wondering what took so long for the tenuous thread to break? And was I unconsciously pulling and picking at it just to see if it would, in fact, break? I trusted one of my most precious other attachments (one that cannot and will not be broken) to this person. Knowing that they possessed wisdom of the kind needed for the situation, and counting on their steadfastness in their path, their code of honor, to guide my attachment safely as they navigated new territory (or not).
All the reasons I did that are tied up in this 'attachment' I had formed to this person. And all of them are moot now. I am left wondering if I made a mistake 14 years ago in taking this person to my heart and trusting them like family. My heart aches with unsaid words, unexpressed gratitude and non-specific anger. Apparently I not only made a mistake, but so did they. And now, we go on, our paths forever separated by the choice to snatch the tenuous cord just to see if it would break. It broke. And something in me has broken in response.
We shall see how many ripples this break creates. And how many other 'attachments' break or form in response. For now, there is a hole in my heart the exact match to this attachment. There is no other attachment in the world that can fill it's place. Nothing shaped like it, that feels like it, that reacts like it. This attachment has been a fixture in a part of my life for a very long time. I did not ask it to go away, and would welcome it back were it to reappear.
I don't understand why I feel the way I do, except that when a person enters my 'chosen' family it's because they are that...'family'. I've never quite learned how to process that kind of loss that doesn't occur due to death. My blood family wrote me off years ago...except for my daughter. So what 'family' I have is precious to me. So I mourn the loss of a chosen family member, who did not die, just ...went away. I caused it, with words, too hastily spoken perhaps. But words that were nonetheless true.
And so Saturn racks up another on the list of direct hits to my heart. Definitely a 'whoa moment' but not quite paralyzing.... but enough to knock me off center and hurt like hell.
I feel likke the dumb kid in fourth grade again, the one who was told and told and told how to do long division, and couldn't grasp it. I feel like there is something missing but I don't know what it is. All I know is that it hurts, and in a way I never thought such a thing could.
So this feeling must be grief...mourning. That's the only thing I can think of that cuts straight to my heart that I can't do anything about it. I have felt this before. It passes....sort of. It's one of those things you go through, not get over, not get around, or avoid.
Words are so inadequate right now...but they are all I have, and for that I am profoundly sorry because they are most certainly not enough.