She don't want no one around - cause she don't want anybody to see...
I begin to wonder if I'll end up where my mother is, some days. Not that she's a terrible person. Infact, she's the opposite of that. But..I wonder if I'll end up so stressed to the point that she is. Already, as the years go by, I feel my capacity for stress either lessening -- or I'm just getting more stress, and somehow gaining ability to swallow it more. Which probably isn't very healthy either. To have things come out when the rubber band has snapped, with either a floodgate opening through tears or anger.
Tonight, my head just feels like so much pressure is building up inside. As if splitting it like a ripe melon would give it room to escape. I know that's not a very good picture - it's just the pressure I'm trying to describe.
There's so many things good in my life. Maybe I'm negative, maybe I crave perfection in the end - I'm not really sure. But when there's one thing, no matter how small, it manages to burrow under my skin until I can't ignore it anymore.
Then, there's knowing things I have to swallow, in order to be polite. To be nice. To pretend that everything's okay. When I'm unwanted to call friends anymore, but other people call. When I'm told I can't. I swallow it all down. Lump by lump, everything gets swallowed down. Where it gets stored inside of me, for another sudden snap. Yes, I feel unwanted. Yes, I feel uncared about. But do I say anything? No. I keep it to myself. Just keep supressing it all. But I'm tired of letting things just keep like this.
If you want to be my friend, then be my friend. If not, then don't pop up in my life. Because I don't need more things to swallow down. I can't deal with games anymore. I've tried to get in touch with many of my friends. I've tried to schedule times to call people, or days. And if it comes down to, in the end, not wanting me in their lives - then I want to leave it at that. My head can't take much more of this.
And neither can my heart.
Tonight, my head just feels like so much pressure is building up inside. As if splitting it like a ripe melon would give it room to escape. I know that's not a very good picture - it's just the pressure I'm trying to describe.
There's so many things good in my life. Maybe I'm negative, maybe I crave perfection in the end - I'm not really sure. But when there's one thing, no matter how small, it manages to burrow under my skin until I can't ignore it anymore.
Then, there's knowing things I have to swallow, in order to be polite. To be nice. To pretend that everything's okay. When I'm unwanted to call friends anymore, but other people call. When I'm told I can't. I swallow it all down. Lump by lump, everything gets swallowed down. Where it gets stored inside of me, for another sudden snap. Yes, I feel unwanted. Yes, I feel uncared about. But do I say anything? No. I keep it to myself. Just keep supressing it all. But I'm tired of letting things just keep like this.
If you want to be my friend, then be my friend. If not, then don't pop up in my life. Because I don't need more things to swallow down. I can't deal with games anymore. I've tried to get in touch with many of my friends. I've tried to schedule times to call people, or days. And if it comes down to, in the end, not wanting me in their lives - then I want to leave it at that. My head can't take much more of this.
And neither can my heart.