(no subject)
I can't decide if I'm not in a relationship because of circumstances or because I refuse to let myself get close to anyone. I won't even let myself get remotely interested. This used to be because I was so terrified of rejection, now it's a more cynical reason.
I am incredibly self-sacrificing for people I care about, and I know that I'd let a partner take advantage of me. I can't risk my independence to be somebody else's bitch. I'm getting pretty tired of having to babysit people, and I always have someone in my life that takes up that role... I would like to be able to stand up for myself and care about myself as much as I care about others, but honestly I would throw everything away that's mine to give it someone I am acquaintances with. I am too preoccupied with making sure everyone likes me to keep things for myself. I am so. tired. of people taking advantage of me. I'm tired of being depended on and simultaneously toyed with. I'm sick of manipulation. I want to actually enjoy all of my friendships, get off the depression meds, and be a normal fucking person.
end rant.
I would really like to go down to Waco for pretty much the entire summer. I love the whole group that lives there, they accept me for who I am, I never feel like I am imposing, and every time I leave I have to rip myself away from their company because I enjoy it so much.
I really just want companionship. I really feel like that's why I buy so many pets, to fill this void in my life that's never been occupied, or something deep like that.
Speaking of, after another reptile expo that Ashley and Jon graciously drove to in OKC, I am now the proud owner of a Northern Blue-Tongued Skink.. His name is King Mosh. He's much friendlier than the geckos, and will grow to be 18-24 inches long.
I am incredibly self-sacrificing for people I care about, and I know that I'd let a partner take advantage of me. I can't risk my independence to be somebody else's bitch. I'm getting pretty tired of having to babysit people, and I always have someone in my life that takes up that role... I would like to be able to stand up for myself and care about myself as much as I care about others, but honestly I would throw everything away that's mine to give it someone I am acquaintances with. I am too preoccupied with making sure everyone likes me to keep things for myself. I am so. tired. of people taking advantage of me. I'm tired of being depended on and simultaneously toyed with. I'm sick of manipulation. I want to actually enjoy all of my friendships, get off the depression meds, and be a normal fucking person.
end rant.
I would really like to go down to Waco for pretty much the entire summer. I love the whole group that lives there, they accept me for who I am, I never feel like I am imposing, and every time I leave I have to rip myself away from their company because I enjoy it so much.
I really just want companionship. I really feel like that's why I buy so many pets, to fill this void in my life that's never been occupied, or something deep like that.
Speaking of, after another reptile expo that Ashley and Jon graciously drove to in OKC, I am now the proud owner of a Northern Blue-Tongued Skink.. His name is King Mosh. He's much friendlier than the geckos, and will grow to be 18-24 inches long.