just....dang.
so im anxious. antsy. happy. ecstatic. emotional. depressed. AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF EMOTIONS JAM PACKED IN ME. the depression still overrides alot of those good emotions. but im NOT gonna let it knock me down. screw depression^^~.
i realize im still just repeating the same thing from my prior update, BUT I CANT HELP IT DAMMIT XD. i got 2-3 weeks(depending what happens in a certain situation), and i wanna live it up. OR I WOULD LIVE IT UP IF I HAD MONEY>.<. rarg. im not gonna let anything get me off this high i have. i want my departure to be happy, not sad or melancholy. i want it HAPPY. this aint even an end to my life here, but its a continuation of my old life there. by no means is it an end.
after reading this over, it seems to me like im trying to convince myself that it will be good for me. and it is. im not convinced that i wanna go to tell you the truth, but i have to.
i cant back down now.
truth be told, im afraid of moving. the only thing i have in mexico is family, and thats it. im afraid that my knowledge of my own native language, in my opinion, is crap. im afraid that the transition of moving there is going to be psychologically hard. im afraid i wont be able to make new friends, due to my rather strange, deattatched upbringing(which reminds me, i gotta tell mark something). im afraid that not being here, ill be hurt. im afraid of not having my old friends by me. and im afraid that after 14 years of trying to forge a life, i cant lie, almost want believe to feel that 14 years of my life were somewhat wasted. i feel like shit thinking and saying that. its fucking unfair of me. completley totally utterly unfair. but i cant help but feel like that. so many endless possibilities from when i came here as a child, SO MANY ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES, and it all comes crashing down upon me at the age of 10, because i wasnt born 80 miles north of where i was born. just...dammit. i still had a whim and a shred of hope that after 9 years of knowing my "situation", that it would all be okay. but its not. i wish i was legal. i wish i had the luxury to travel. i wish i had the luxury to go to a proper university. i wish i wouldnt have to leave my family that i came to know here. i wish i could stay nearby. you guys are literally one of my reasons for my being. you kept me sane, you kept me in check, you cared for me, you loved me. and i hope i did, and still do the same for you guys. i really do. i dont want to forget you, and i seem to think that as soon as i leave, youll forget me. i know you wont, but i cant help but think it. im sorry if i offended anyone after reading this.
i realize im still just repeating the same thing from my prior update, BUT I CANT HELP IT DAMMIT XD. i got 2-3 weeks(depending what happens in a certain situation), and i wanna live it up. OR I WOULD LIVE IT UP IF I HAD MONEY>.<. rarg. im not gonna let anything get me off this high i have. i want my departure to be happy, not sad or melancholy. i want it HAPPY. this aint even an end to my life here, but its a continuation of my old life there. by no means is it an end.
after reading this over, it seems to me like im trying to convince myself that it will be good for me. and it is. im not convinced that i wanna go to tell you the truth, but i have to.
i cant back down now.
truth be told, im afraid of moving. the only thing i have in mexico is family, and thats it. im afraid that my knowledge of my own native language, in my opinion, is crap. im afraid that the transition of moving there is going to be psychologically hard. im afraid i wont be able to make new friends, due to my rather strange, deattatched upbringing(which reminds me, i gotta tell mark something). im afraid that not being here, ill be hurt. im afraid of not having my old friends by me. and im afraid that after 14 years of trying to forge a life, i cant lie, almost want believe to feel that 14 years of my life were somewhat wasted. i feel like shit thinking and saying that. its fucking unfair of me. completley totally utterly unfair. but i cant help but feel like that. so many endless possibilities from when i came here as a child, SO MANY ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES, and it all comes crashing down upon me at the age of 10, because i wasnt born 80 miles north of where i was born. just...dammit. i still had a whim and a shred of hope that after 9 years of knowing my "situation", that it would all be okay. but its not. i wish i was legal. i wish i had the luxury to travel. i wish i had the luxury to go to a proper university. i wish i wouldnt have to leave my family that i came to know here. i wish i could stay nearby. you guys are literally one of my reasons for my being. you kept me sane, you kept me in check, you cared for me, you loved me. and i hope i did, and still do the same for you guys. i really do. i dont want to forget you, and i seem to think that as soon as i leave, youll forget me. i know you wont, but i cant help but think it. im sorry if i offended anyone after reading this.