Seeking Constructive Criticism
I decided to enter a contest I ran across, and am posting the poem I plan to submit here. Sure would appreciate any constructive criticism before sending it off. Thanks. *S
The Contest is defined as follows: Beginning (Unpublished Poets') Category
"Work in the hustle and bustle of the now is central to the human experience, yet rarely do we sit back and think about how work has come to define our being. In an attempt to explore this notion we are challenging experienced and beginner poets to submit poetry that captures their worklife experiences. We’re looking for poems by people about the work they personally do or have done, paid or unpaid, blue- or white- or no-collar. And for poems about the work of looking for work, how our hours at work affect the rest of our lives and the process of retiring from work."
and here is mine (well the first one anyhow, I may get inspired again:
A DAY IN THE LIFE
Good morning glide
past desks dotted with earlier-than-thou colleagues
Dispensing smiles through a veil of distraction
Unseen to-do-list superimposed on my rousing mind
Empty coffee mug on my desk beckoning
Telephone shrill
Jerked away from java desire
Petitioning attention, perhaps action
Drowsiness shrugged even before the jacket from my shoulders
Once again the day begins
In a game of Rushing Roulette
Receiver ascends
Above desktop scattered messier-than-wow
Extend a greeting masking cynicism
Sincere pretence with reluctant ear
Good news spills from slot machine handset
Morning warms with the sun
I become smug, sanguine with achievement
Strikethroughs multiply
Shrinking The List to manageable
Ignored coffee sits coldly accusing
Telephone Shrill
Jolted from reverie of indulgent lunch
Alert and expectant, pen poised to capture key element
Project status, delays and obstacles
Tumbling to the floor like ticker tape
Tasks stockpile; priorities change speedier-than-Dow
Lunch reduced to a Slim Fast bar
Quickly chewed while items reviewed
Shuffling chores, a deck of duties
Laid out in suits; Urgent, Important, Pending, Delay
Adrenaline fuels perseverance
Afternoon fades cool and long
Flurry of activity; mêlée of meetings, calls, emails
Hurling appeals, requests, promises into the kitty
Up the ante with perks, incentive, praise
Lead with my high card and faith
Telephone Shrill
Dragged from last-ditch attempt to reorganize
Perking up as words fill my jaded ear
Unexpected coup, triumph, success,
Laughingly pitch crumpled List to the trash
Pleased to have gone that extra mile
Good night saunter
Past desks now devoid of life
Exhausted, but exhilarated; accomplished
Heading home with battle worn faculties
To rejuvenate for tomorrow’s challenge
The Contest is defined as follows: Beginning (Unpublished Poets') Category
"Work in the hustle and bustle of the now is central to the human experience, yet rarely do we sit back and think about how work has come to define our being. In an attempt to explore this notion we are challenging experienced and beginner poets to submit poetry that captures their worklife experiences. We’re looking for poems by people about the work they personally do or have done, paid or unpaid, blue- or white- or no-collar. And for poems about the work of looking for work, how our hours at work affect the rest of our lives and the process of retiring from work."
and here is mine (well the first one anyhow, I may get inspired again:
A DAY IN THE LIFE
Good morning glide
past desks dotted with earlier-than-thou colleagues
Dispensing smiles through a veil of distraction
Unseen to-do-list superimposed on my rousing mind
Empty coffee mug on my desk beckoning
Telephone shrill
Jerked away from java desire
Petitioning attention, perhaps action
Drowsiness shrugged even before the jacket from my shoulders
Once again the day begins
In a game of Rushing Roulette
Receiver ascends
Above desktop scattered messier-than-wow
Extend a greeting masking cynicism
Sincere pretence with reluctant ear
Good news spills from slot machine handset
Morning warms with the sun
I become smug, sanguine with achievement
Strikethroughs multiply
Shrinking The List to manageable
Ignored coffee sits coldly accusing
Telephone Shrill
Jolted from reverie of indulgent lunch
Alert and expectant, pen poised to capture key element
Project status, delays and obstacles
Tumbling to the floor like ticker tape
Tasks stockpile; priorities change speedier-than-Dow
Lunch reduced to a Slim Fast bar
Quickly chewed while items reviewed
Shuffling chores, a deck of duties
Laid out in suits; Urgent, Important, Pending, Delay
Adrenaline fuels perseverance
Afternoon fades cool and long
Flurry of activity; mêlée of meetings, calls, emails
Hurling appeals, requests, promises into the kitty
Up the ante with perks, incentive, praise
Lead with my high card and faith
Telephone Shrill
Dragged from last-ditch attempt to reorganize
Perking up as words fill my jaded ear
Unexpected coup, triumph, success,
Laughingly pitch crumpled List to the trash
Pleased to have gone that extra mile
Good night saunter
Past desks now devoid of life
Exhausted, but exhilarated; accomplished
Heading home with battle worn faculties
To rejuvenate for tomorrow’s challenge