2016
2016 was probably the worst year for me by far (lol).
started the school year badly, actually shedding tears on the first day of school because i felt like it wasn't a place where i belonged (lowkey still feel the same tbh) and there was so much stress and anxiety of meeting my classmates. furthermore, it was the beginning of the year where i will have to take national exams again (oh the horror). so like zoom zoom days went by and tests came up. the tests and results added on to my thoughts because there were really a lot of tests, almost once a week for different subjects so it's like where's the time to study? so of course, my results were not up to my expectations and they were rather different from what i used to get in 2015. disappointment came. but i'm pretty sure a bulk of the reason for my disappointment was that i didn't work hard enough? like this was truly the year where i felt VERY lazy to do work and study. i was SO SCARED like "if i am so lazy this year, how will i cope with a's?". then came a's results. chinese and pw was disappointing and that was honestly one of the trigger for my laziness? like my results for chinese made me think that "if i already have such an ugly result, why bother if my cert is just gonna turn out ugly anyway?" even though chinese won't really affect my chances of admissions. pw just made me feel like my efforts won't pay off. because i did work hard and contribute for that, yet what i got does not reflect my hard work. to make matters worse, i was the ONLY ONE IN MY GROUP who did not get the A. did i not put in the same effort as them? :-( maybe. but i was so devastated upon knowing my pw results that i just broke when people asked me (lol) and i cried in the toilet for ONE HOUR. my family also expects me to get into a local uni, which is really no easy feat but it is as if they have already taken for granted that i will go into a local ini so more was added on to my stress. being in an environment where i felt like i don't belong and without really anyone to share my problems with, everything just started adding up and my burden just became that much greater. i was so alone. i started to break down. it would be after school when i'm on the bus home or when i try to do homework but realise that i don't know how and i have no one to ask but i did not break down that frequently. a's were nearing and i was still pretty lazy and my stress kept adding up and i had more breakdowns. some of them even happened in school (thank god not during lessons). this also made me realise like "oh, maybe i am truly alone". nobody notices if you are hurting or if you are sad. unless you are one of the more "popular" ones. even if you were there for someone during their worse, it doesn't mean that they will be there for yours. i kind of already knew but it was still heart breaking. but thank god i managed to share some of my load with some teachers, which eased me a little i guess. i started staying in school to study (alone) because i know i would not do anything at home. i also started to consult teachers (alone). these two were really huge steps for me because i am really not used to doing things alone (social anxiety rip haven't found a job). i finished a's and i do hope i get great results although i have my doubts lol. overall 2016 was one of my worse, if not worst year. realisation of being alone in this vast world, breakdowns, stress, disappointments.