too late to be writing this...
A part of me, a big part, always thought that with a kid, with "adulthood" there'd be some kind of enforced stability, some type of master plan that finally gets in gear. pfft. Some kind of ignorant youth I was. Nothing, at all, is ever stable. The what-if's run through my mind like a jigsaw puzzle, covered in little pieces of chainsaw...it's a fucking wreck in there, man. No matter how much I make it's not enough no matter how much I do there's so much more to be done. No matter how much I clean it's still a fucking mess. No matter. No mind.
I love her with all my heart, and it's why I think all the time, about here and now and then and there, about school or not or goddamned stability. I just wish I could put her in a happy pink bubble where she'd be super super happy, happier than I could make her, and she'd stay the same age and everything, just for a few more years. But even then, in those few years I once again, wouldn't have done enough, and wouldn't be ready enough.
I keep wondering if I'm supposed to do it alone, if trusting someone with my heart and soul is what she wants, what she will want, how much she'll know and want to know...I'm just momentarily tired of fucking everything...of pot, beer,cigarettes, fucking, babble, even my favorite things in the world just taste/feel like "howmuch did I/we spend on this?"
I want some sushi and a bottle of wine. And a happy bubble...it'd be even cooler if it expanded to fit me and Riley. we'd come out after global warming ruins everything, after the ice age, and we'll fashion ourselves a nice little cave in the tropics. yup.
I love her with all my heart, and it's why I think all the time, about here and now and then and there, about school or not or goddamned stability. I just wish I could put her in a happy pink bubble where she'd be super super happy, happier than I could make her, and she'd stay the same age and everything, just for a few more years. But even then, in those few years I once again, wouldn't have done enough, and wouldn't be ready enough.
I keep wondering if I'm supposed to do it alone, if trusting someone with my heart and soul is what she wants, what she will want, how much she'll know and want to know...I'm just momentarily tired of fucking everything...of pot, beer,cigarettes, fucking, babble, even my favorite things in the world just taste/feel like "howmuch did I/we spend on this?"
I want some sushi and a bottle of wine. And a happy bubble...it'd be even cooler if it expanded to fit me and Riley. we'd come out after global warming ruins everything, after the ice age, and we'll fashion ourselves a nice little cave in the tropics. yup.