Fading.
Wow. This week has gotten off to a horrible start. Emotionally I've been very unstable. Living with my dad is really starting to wear on me and apparently it's affecting my physical persona. The day started off with me being late to class and rushing to sit down and then nearly falling on my face. Then I was getting on the elevator and barely made it as the door closed. Some guy from my class says, "you're better off taking the stairs." I just laughed. Then he mumbled something about taking a shower, I missed what he said but everyone laughed. WHAT THE FUCK?! Now I feel like a fat, dirty bitch. The funny thing is, I've never talked to that guy in my life! I have merely glanced at him in class.
Am I really that bad? I have low self esteem to begin with, but when you just point that shit out? I'm such a nice person, too, what happened to karma? Yesterday I thought a lot about how I'm slipping back into depression. It seems like everytime I fall, I fall harder. I drove up to the top of the parking garage and thought about jumping. Then I just figured how shitty I'd look at my funeral... Smashed face and all. So instead I went to McDonalds and gorged on a big and tasty and fries. When I was waiting in the line I closed my eyes and asked God for a sign. When I opened them I saw a bus in the rearview mirror that said, "Imagine your future." Well, the thing is- I can't. I've always known I would die of my own will. My life is so up and down. I crash and then float away. The sad thing is I weighed myself the other day and I've gained 5 pounds. I feel like such a fat ass. My mom started working out again and she's down to 110. That's still more than me, but it made me feel like such a looser. As if she was saying, "Hah... look how good things are for me. I'm skinny and have a boyfriend." Oh, and now, "they're in love with each other." That's fucked up. Four months of dating (after a 25 year marriage) and she says they're in love. Baffling.
This weekend I met up with her at the mall and she was buying all these new clothes. Meanwhile I'm paying for our lunch, dinner, and she only gives me $10 for gas to get back to Miami. When I get back home, my dad goes on and on about how poor I am and that I'm white trash. Then he talks about my mom and how he "knows" she's dating someone (he told me later that she cheated on him when they were married). And because he DOESN'T KNOW she IS dating someone, I just shake my head in denial, "she would never do that dad... unless you're not telling me something." It's a sick head game. My little sister knows, too, but my mom won't let us tell my dad. Great, mom, teach the 12 year old to lie. It's all so fucked up. If there was something, anything... a person I could talk to that would really understand. I'm so lonely. I have all these friends but none of them get me. At this point I want to cut everyone off and stay to myself. I'm sick of getting wasted and stoned and spending my loan money because I have no money of my own. I hate going to the refrigerator to get my friends something to eat but there's nothing inside. What happened? My whole family has fallen apart. When I first came to school and lived with a friend it was so comforting to know that I could separate myself from my family. Now... I'm reminded of how mentally fucked we are everyday.
I worked on a collection for my class yesterday and my teacher said it had already been done before. The sketches that I did in class, she loved. I hated them. I feel like time is slipping on without me. Slowly I'm going to remove myself. That way- when the time comes- it will be the right decision. I'm too connected to reality right now. I have to forget everyone, forget my "responsibilities." Then I'll just slip into the dark side of the moon.
Am I really that bad? I have low self esteem to begin with, but when you just point that shit out? I'm such a nice person, too, what happened to karma? Yesterday I thought a lot about how I'm slipping back into depression. It seems like everytime I fall, I fall harder. I drove up to the top of the parking garage and thought about jumping. Then I just figured how shitty I'd look at my funeral... Smashed face and all. So instead I went to McDonalds and gorged on a big and tasty and fries. When I was waiting in the line I closed my eyes and asked God for a sign. When I opened them I saw a bus in the rearview mirror that said, "Imagine your future." Well, the thing is- I can't. I've always known I would die of my own will. My life is so up and down. I crash and then float away. The sad thing is I weighed myself the other day and I've gained 5 pounds. I feel like such a fat ass. My mom started working out again and she's down to 110. That's still more than me, but it made me feel like such a looser. As if she was saying, "Hah... look how good things are for me. I'm skinny and have a boyfriend." Oh, and now, "they're in love with each other." That's fucked up. Four months of dating (after a 25 year marriage) and she says they're in love. Baffling.
This weekend I met up with her at the mall and she was buying all these new clothes. Meanwhile I'm paying for our lunch, dinner, and she only gives me $10 for gas to get back to Miami. When I get back home, my dad goes on and on about how poor I am and that I'm white trash. Then he talks about my mom and how he "knows" she's dating someone (he told me later that she cheated on him when they were married). And because he DOESN'T KNOW she IS dating someone, I just shake my head in denial, "she would never do that dad... unless you're not telling me something." It's a sick head game. My little sister knows, too, but my mom won't let us tell my dad. Great, mom, teach the 12 year old to lie. It's all so fucked up. If there was something, anything... a person I could talk to that would really understand. I'm so lonely. I have all these friends but none of them get me. At this point I want to cut everyone off and stay to myself. I'm sick of getting wasted and stoned and spending my loan money because I have no money of my own. I hate going to the refrigerator to get my friends something to eat but there's nothing inside. What happened? My whole family has fallen apart. When I first came to school and lived with a friend it was so comforting to know that I could separate myself from my family. Now... I'm reminded of how mentally fucked we are everyday.
I worked on a collection for my class yesterday and my teacher said it had already been done before. The sketches that I did in class, she loved. I hated them. I feel like time is slipping on without me. Slowly I'm going to remove myself. That way- when the time comes- it will be the right decision. I'm too connected to reality right now. I have to forget everyone, forget my "responsibilities." Then I'll just slip into the dark side of the moon.