I miss being alone. Is that what would be called irony? After next semester, I'm moving out. That's all there is to it. Is it possible for a person to want to be lonely?
I know people have pointed it out already - but being alone and being lonely are two rather different things. Are you wanting one, or both? Most people definately need "alone" time - just to recharge and gets their thoughts in order without having to worry about whether you are being entertaining/intereesting/etc for company - in my experience, people who don't like ever to be alone, are really rather boring and insecure people, but that's a whole 'nother point. Wanting to be lonely, on the other hand, is a whole different matter. I guess a psychiatrist would tell you it's something wrong, based on some deep-seated unresolved emotional tragedy! But I, being the strange-one that I am, understand that there's a certain inexplicable appeal to being lonely... it's paradoxical - but when you are (let's call it 'unwillingly alone') lonely, you'd speand a lot of your time wishing you had more friends/wishing you were out/etc, but as soon as you are out, it's maybe enjoyable for a while, but then you start getting kind of claustrphobic and edgy because there are people everywhere and you feel like you're constantly being appraised and brought up short? Meh, maybe that's just me. And maybe it's just like that sometimes. But other times - you are at your most creative/thoughtful when you're by yourself? Even though you don't have people to bounce ideas off - you don't have any argument either, which is sometimes really really good. And you don't have to stop and explain things to yourself (or be explained to) so the thought process runs a whole lot more smoothly. And sometimes it's just really nice to not be answerable to anyone. I'm usually happiest by myself when I've got either a good book, or am pn a walk with my dog, or lost in some godforsaken forest where I thought it would be fun to take a stroll, only to wander off the beaten path and frantically try to find my way out for the next few hours (exhilirating and terrifying at the same time - at least we don't have wolves here! I could be mauled by a hungry sheep though...)
Anyway, I'm just bouncing ideas around, I know this isn't a proper reply, I've just hijacked your journal and am rambling on as usual, sorry :P
Oh its true, there are two kinds. But perhaps spending most of my life on the "unwillingly alone" side had me yearning so much to not be alone. Then finally after being not alone for so long got me to thinking of how much easier life is when you *are* alone. There's so much less resistance, a breeding ground for new ideas and thinking too deeply about things. The less alone you are, the more restraints you have, and the less you can be like yourself. Err, seems I just repeated what you said in different words.
I just feel like I'm such a burden on the world. And that the reason that I'm such a burden is because of my whole social anxiety holding-myself-back type deal that I do. And that if I could just get rid of everything that triggers it, I could actually go somewhere in life, rather than becoming exactly what my family thinks I'm going to become - nothing.
And then I realize that I think I actually prefer to *wish* rather than actually *do*. Could it be that I'm actually just a very self-destructive person and would rather watch my life go down the drain just out of spite to others or to prove some innane point that I feel about myself?
Ah well, it gets rather confusing here in my mind, heh.
Wanting to be lonely, on the other hand, is a whole different matter. I guess a psychiatrist would tell you it's something wrong, based on some deep-seated unresolved emotional tragedy! But I, being the strange-one that I am, understand that there's a certain inexplicable appeal to being lonely... it's paradoxical - but when you are (let's call it 'unwillingly alone') lonely, you'd speand a lot of your time wishing you had more friends/wishing you were out/etc, but as soon as you are out, it's maybe enjoyable for a while, but then you start getting kind of claustrphobic and edgy because there are people everywhere and you feel like you're constantly being appraised and brought up short? Meh, maybe that's just me. And maybe it's just like that sometimes. But other times - you are at your most creative/thoughtful when you're by yourself? Even though you don't have people to bounce ideas off - you don't have any argument either, which is sometimes really really good. And you don't have to stop and explain things to yourself (or be explained to) so the thought process runs a whole lot more smoothly. And sometimes it's just really nice to not be answerable to anyone. I'm usually happiest by myself when I've got either a good book, or am pn a walk with my dog, or lost in some godforsaken forest where I thought it would be fun to take a stroll, only to wander off the beaten path and frantically try to find my way out for the next few hours (exhilirating and terrifying at the same time - at least we don't have wolves here! I could be mauled by a hungry sheep though...)
Anyway, I'm just bouncing ideas around, I know this isn't a proper reply, I've just hijacked your journal and am rambling on as usual, sorry :P
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I just feel like I'm such a burden on the world. And that the reason that I'm such a burden is because of my whole social anxiety holding-myself-back type deal that I do. And that if I could just get rid of everything that triggers it, I could actually go somewhere in life, rather than becoming exactly what my family thinks I'm going to become - nothing.
And then I realize that I think I actually prefer to *wish* rather than actually *do*. Could it be that I'm actually just a very self-destructive person and would rather watch my life go down the drain just out of spite to others or to prove some innane point that I feel about myself?
Ah well, it gets rather confusing here in my mind, heh.
(Oh, nice icon by the way)
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