just to get it out there

Apr 04, 2010 12:31

i have a deep deep disliking for this "holiday". i wish it was just another sunday and that i could stay home and work on my lab report instead of seeing aunts and uncles that will remind me of my weight gain, because i don't have mirrors at home or anything and am totally unaware of my body, and all of the younger cousins will speak nothing but english and my grandma will feel awkward and wonder how the hell any of them came to be and where this came from and where she came from and why she is here and then i will feel awkward in the understanding of her mindthoughts. and i just wish you, mother, had the patience for half an hour instead of me saying You give me anxiety, please stop telling me to hurry up i am going as fast as i can and you saying Well what do you think you give me and i say I'm not talking about you and you say I'm talking about me and I am naked in my bed crying praying that i'll be reborn and things will be different that time and i'll be allowed to speak and be respected. i don't remember ever liking easter but i'm sure there was a time where i enjoyed looking for sugar-filled eggs that made my brain slower and and my spasms spark. hyper/happy. and then there was that easter 1998 that made me hate it. i mean HATE it. and i remember every detail of that morning down to what i was wearing, what time it was, what was said, the feeling of MUST LEAVE NOW AND TAKE BABY WITH ME, and the drenched pillow and the sleep. and ever since every time this damn day comes around I can't help but be reminded about everything that went so horribly wrong. it's like the anniversary of the beginning of the end of my childhood and who wants to celebrate that? not me. i'd rather stay home and label cranial nerves. fuck it all.
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