(no subject)
The shaping of 2005:
January 1st, 2005: I got a photo album for Christmas, and there are a little less then 525,600 minutes left of memories that I will get in this new year, memories that will help fill that book up.
I guess the whole world's kind of like a photo album, and 2004 was just another picture full of memories to go in its pages.
...same could go for this new year: 2006
February 15th, 2005: What impossible thing am I going to do today? What impossible thing are YOU going to do today? I wonder if we always know what we've done? Perhaps it is on a later date that that thing is discovered. Maybe it's not even wholly you, but something you've triggered which has then turned into a series of events - unfortunate or not. Who knows. Maybe we should all make that a goal for our days - to do the impossible. There is so much possibility around us that we should never be surprised. Yet we are humans, and being surprised is part of us. We don't often expect the unexpected unless we are told to before the events happen, and in that knowledge the thing becomes expected. We don't expect the unexpected, we're just surprised when it happens.
March 14th, 2005: Then I left the awesome Andrews and comp, met the nice man with the candy, fought my way through the elements, and landed on the Yellis's front porch with a thump and a startling realization. I think when I retire, I'll kiss a llama and turn into a duck. I mean, can you think of a better way to spend your time?
April 10th, 2005: When Les Miz finished we all said that nothing could top it. There was a power in that show like nothing I've ever felt. Maybe Oklahoma didn't top it, but this time the power was in the group of people behind the show. It was in the shared experiences. It was in the many laughs, and even the occasional tear. It was in the jokes. It was in the mistakes people made, and the things we all learned.
June 9th, 2005: I look around at the world these days, and see that people are beautiful. Sure there's the bad, but there's an awful amount of good.
I'm changed. I can't even find the words to really describe it. Do I ever miss my old self? Perhaps sometimes. I was more protected then...I was much more innocent. But when your life cracks open, you either have to choose to fall through the cracks, or build bridges across them. Thanks to the amazing people in my life, I've built a lot of bridges this year.
August 1st, 2005: I just got a phone call. My friend Jason died last night. I'm in shock.
August 22nd, 2005: Also, out of the blue today I started second guessing a decision I made back at the beginning of junior year, one which I was so sure about, and now I'm totally not sure....but I'm kind of excited so it's all good?
I'm feeling really daring right now...and kind of scared...two things which often go hand in hand.
September 2nd, 2005: Have you ever felt some way, and been absolutely astounded at yourself because you knew that if you didn't feel the way you did, your life would be so less complicated?
September 27th, 2005: There's a different person living inside me then there used to be. Sometimes I'm excited by that person, and sometimes I'm scared of them. Like a little child cowering against a corner, I peek out at myself and wonder: who have I become? People change like leaves on the trees in the fall. I'm a fall baby, but my leaves have been changing different colors all year. You know a lot of the details. Not all of them.
I'm really good at waiting, really good at doing the que. I'm also really good at building walls.
October 21st, 2005: I hate my life.
November 10th, 2005: My Doctor just called. You know all the problems I've been having with my knee? It's freaking lymes disease.
November 22nd, 2005: Did you ever think saying good-bye to someone would feel good? I didn't. Until now...
December 6th: I feel so very frustrated with myself right now. Sometimes the person I hate the most I can't get away from because they're living inside of me. Yet I look at them like a stranger because sometimes I swear I don't know them. Then I get scared and bury myself in something and end up hurting more people. A friend gave me some insight and said perhaps I should stop being so nice. Hah! Yet the sad part isn't that I'm trying to please everyone. Sometimes I feel like I make a decision and end up running everyone over. Then I'm left with only my stranger self.
January 2nd, 2006:...The shaping of 2005. I said at the end of last year that 2004 had brought the most changes in my life. I can almost say the same thing this year, though the events of the past twelve months were much more internal...not so much a public affair. Who I am, who I will become remains unwritten. It seems, from reading the above bits of my life, that I steadily became more morbid and depressed. I harbored a lot of anger in 2004. A lot of that dissipated this year, though perhaps it was replaced by other deeper emotions. Yet as I read I know that I am not an unhappy person. I'm changing so much that sometimes I can't keep up with myself, and sometimes I leave myself behind and have to work my way through the fog. Then I have to remember that there is so much good, you just have to look at things from a different perspective sometimes. Then you'll see all the amazing details. It's those things that I will hold on to as I enter this new year. I don't think I'll be bored. No...it's going to be one heck of a ride.
January 1st, 2005: I got a photo album for Christmas, and there are a little less then 525,600 minutes left of memories that I will get in this new year, memories that will help fill that book up.
I guess the whole world's kind of like a photo album, and 2004 was just another picture full of memories to go in its pages.
...same could go for this new year: 2006
February 15th, 2005: What impossible thing am I going to do today? What impossible thing are YOU going to do today? I wonder if we always know what we've done? Perhaps it is on a later date that that thing is discovered. Maybe it's not even wholly you, but something you've triggered which has then turned into a series of events - unfortunate or not. Who knows. Maybe we should all make that a goal for our days - to do the impossible. There is so much possibility around us that we should never be surprised. Yet we are humans, and being surprised is part of us. We don't often expect the unexpected unless we are told to before the events happen, and in that knowledge the thing becomes expected. We don't expect the unexpected, we're just surprised when it happens.
March 14th, 2005: Then I left the awesome Andrews and comp, met the nice man with the candy, fought my way through the elements, and landed on the Yellis's front porch with a thump and a startling realization. I think when I retire, I'll kiss a llama and turn into a duck. I mean, can you think of a better way to spend your time?
April 10th, 2005: When Les Miz finished we all said that nothing could top it. There was a power in that show like nothing I've ever felt. Maybe Oklahoma didn't top it, but this time the power was in the group of people behind the show. It was in the shared experiences. It was in the many laughs, and even the occasional tear. It was in the jokes. It was in the mistakes people made, and the things we all learned.
June 9th, 2005: I look around at the world these days, and see that people are beautiful. Sure there's the bad, but there's an awful amount of good.
I'm changed. I can't even find the words to really describe it. Do I ever miss my old self? Perhaps sometimes. I was more protected then...I was much more innocent. But when your life cracks open, you either have to choose to fall through the cracks, or build bridges across them. Thanks to the amazing people in my life, I've built a lot of bridges this year.
August 1st, 2005: I just got a phone call. My friend Jason died last night. I'm in shock.
August 22nd, 2005: Also, out of the blue today I started second guessing a decision I made back at the beginning of junior year, one which I was so sure about, and now I'm totally not sure....but I'm kind of excited so it's all good?
I'm feeling really daring right now...and kind of scared...two things which often go hand in hand.
September 2nd, 2005: Have you ever felt some way, and been absolutely astounded at yourself because you knew that if you didn't feel the way you did, your life would be so less complicated?
September 27th, 2005: There's a different person living inside me then there used to be. Sometimes I'm excited by that person, and sometimes I'm scared of them. Like a little child cowering against a corner, I peek out at myself and wonder: who have I become? People change like leaves on the trees in the fall. I'm a fall baby, but my leaves have been changing different colors all year. You know a lot of the details. Not all of them.
I'm really good at waiting, really good at doing the que. I'm also really good at building walls.
October 21st, 2005: I hate my life.
November 10th, 2005: My Doctor just called. You know all the problems I've been having with my knee? It's freaking lymes disease.
November 22nd, 2005: Did you ever think saying good-bye to someone would feel good? I didn't. Until now...
December 6th: I feel so very frustrated with myself right now. Sometimes the person I hate the most I can't get away from because they're living inside of me. Yet I look at them like a stranger because sometimes I swear I don't know them. Then I get scared and bury myself in something and end up hurting more people. A friend gave me some insight and said perhaps I should stop being so nice. Hah! Yet the sad part isn't that I'm trying to please everyone. Sometimes I feel like I make a decision and end up running everyone over. Then I'm left with only my stranger self.
January 2nd, 2006:...The shaping of 2005. I said at the end of last year that 2004 had brought the most changes in my life. I can almost say the same thing this year, though the events of the past twelve months were much more internal...not so much a public affair. Who I am, who I will become remains unwritten. It seems, from reading the above bits of my life, that I steadily became more morbid and depressed. I harbored a lot of anger in 2004. A lot of that dissipated this year, though perhaps it was replaced by other deeper emotions. Yet as I read I know that I am not an unhappy person. I'm changing so much that sometimes I can't keep up with myself, and sometimes I leave myself behind and have to work my way through the fog. Then I have to remember that there is so much good, you just have to look at things from a different perspective sometimes. Then you'll see all the amazing details. It's those things that I will hold on to as I enter this new year. I don't think I'll be bored. No...it's going to be one heck of a ride.