(no subject)
At night, when everyone is asleep and I am all alone, I wonder why I am so alone. With all these people mad at me, even complete strangers that I have never met. It makes me wonder what I have done so wrong, I really try to be a good person. Is there a reason that all of this needs to happen? Is this all so I will become some person and complete some destiny in my life or is this punishment for things I have done wrong? Or maybe it is all just some random mix of randomness where nothing happens for a reason and people don't come into your life for a reason. Maybe some people are just lucky and others are just cursed to have bad things happen.
I keep thinking, maybe all these people who are mad just like to be mad. Maybe they like the drama, gives their lives purpose. Or maybe they need someone to blame, I know I still try and blame myself for all of this. I really want to put it all back on them and believe that they are just sad, sorry, miserable people who need someone in their life to hate more than themselves. But what if I am just blind and can't see that I deserve this. Maybe this is all my doing, I am just too self absorbed to see it is the truth. I like to think that I make an conscious effort to think of other people.
All my life though I have been hated and attacked by people, some who I had never even talked to. I mean shit, in 3rd grade I was jumped by 2 girls 4 years older than me and a girl who had invited me to her birthday party tried to drown me. At that age what could I have possibly done to be hated so much or even deserve something like that?!
Maybe I should be a stronger person because of the things I have gone through, I'm sure I am. Mostly, maybe I just shouldn't care what other people say and do to me. I feel though that it is the fact that I don't understand it. I feel like I just need to know what it is that I did to another person to make them feel so much hate towards me. I don't understand how people can be filled with so much hate. How people cannot even begin to think about what someone else is experiencing, like the thought never even crossed their mind.
I need to remember though, my lesson learned from all of this, forgiveness. I need to forgive the people who have done me wrong, and not so much in a sense where I will ever think of them as a friend...just in a sense that I don't hate them back myself. This was such an easy concept in the beginning when I was only applying it to the people whom I love. But to try and apply it to people that I don't even know who have done me wrong, how could that even be possible.
I like to believe that Joe is still around, that he is a sort of spirit guide for me now, watching out for me, trying to keep me safe. Thinking about him not being with me makes me feel sick, literally nauseated. Still though I am questioning everything, maybe out of fear? My worst fear is that he is just gone now. That he didn't get to get away from this hell that being alive is and gain some 100% clarity and understanding of the world and people and how it all fits together. I just want to believe that at some point I WILL meet him again, whether in another life or in the space in between.
It makes me feel like this is all just a test. I was so close to becoming the person I really really want to be. Now I am thrown in the middle of all this anger and hate. It's like the universe is testing me, just wanting to see if I really could handle being that person. Saying,"Well you handled all that pretty well, how about we add this. Still not breaking you down?! Well how about we add this to the mix, and this, and this, and this." At this point I am just wondering, WHEN WILL IT END?! Have I not suffered enough in one instance?!
I really do feel like I have taken all of this pretty well, a few minor hiccups on my part (that some asshole people want to blow out of proportion), but other than that I am really trying my hardest to go on with my life. I remember maybe a week ago feeling like nothing would ever feel the same again, that there would never be "normal" again, but really the past few days have been alright. We have made some new plans and are moving forward with them. I just get this feeling of complete and total isolation sometimes (like now). It seems that even when I try to reach out to people they don't give a fuck and have no interest in even talking to me. I have lost so many friends it feels like in this whole deal, it doesn't really make sense. I feel like everything that happened for the first month was completely out of my control. In all reality I was barely even functioning, I don't understand how I could have pissed so many people off in that state. Even now I can't do much, I have been making dinner again which feels good...but hey guess what? That pisses off my roommates. I just can't win here.
I just really wish Loki would come back, I still don't feel like he will. I can't shake this feeling that my roommates are hiding something from me about him. None of it makes sense, we go out of town for ONE DAY and we get back and he is just gone? This not knowing if he is alive or not or if I will ever see him again is KILLING me. How can I ever get over him being gone when I am determined to not give up on him? I just want to know what happened, which I guess I could get over it maybe, I still wonder how the fire started..but I don't feel like I really have to know anymore...not all the time anyways.
ramble ramble ramble...feels good to get this all out I guess. Talking to myself is better than talking to no one right? now time to attempt to float off into my head and see if maybe I can talk to joe...
I keep thinking, maybe all these people who are mad just like to be mad. Maybe they like the drama, gives their lives purpose. Or maybe they need someone to blame, I know I still try and blame myself for all of this. I really want to put it all back on them and believe that they are just sad, sorry, miserable people who need someone in their life to hate more than themselves. But what if I am just blind and can't see that I deserve this. Maybe this is all my doing, I am just too self absorbed to see it is the truth. I like to think that I make an conscious effort to think of other people.
All my life though I have been hated and attacked by people, some who I had never even talked to. I mean shit, in 3rd grade I was jumped by 2 girls 4 years older than me and a girl who had invited me to her birthday party tried to drown me. At that age what could I have possibly done to be hated so much or even deserve something like that?!
Maybe I should be a stronger person because of the things I have gone through, I'm sure I am. Mostly, maybe I just shouldn't care what other people say and do to me. I feel though that it is the fact that I don't understand it. I feel like I just need to know what it is that I did to another person to make them feel so much hate towards me. I don't understand how people can be filled with so much hate. How people cannot even begin to think about what someone else is experiencing, like the thought never even crossed their mind.
I need to remember though, my lesson learned from all of this, forgiveness. I need to forgive the people who have done me wrong, and not so much in a sense where I will ever think of them as a friend...just in a sense that I don't hate them back myself. This was such an easy concept in the beginning when I was only applying it to the people whom I love. But to try and apply it to people that I don't even know who have done me wrong, how could that even be possible.
I like to believe that Joe is still around, that he is a sort of spirit guide for me now, watching out for me, trying to keep me safe. Thinking about him not being with me makes me feel sick, literally nauseated. Still though I am questioning everything, maybe out of fear? My worst fear is that he is just gone now. That he didn't get to get away from this hell that being alive is and gain some 100% clarity and understanding of the world and people and how it all fits together. I just want to believe that at some point I WILL meet him again, whether in another life or in the space in between.
It makes me feel like this is all just a test. I was so close to becoming the person I really really want to be. Now I am thrown in the middle of all this anger and hate. It's like the universe is testing me, just wanting to see if I really could handle being that person. Saying,"Well you handled all that pretty well, how about we add this. Still not breaking you down?! Well how about we add this to the mix, and this, and this, and this." At this point I am just wondering, WHEN WILL IT END?! Have I not suffered enough in one instance?!
I really do feel like I have taken all of this pretty well, a few minor hiccups on my part (that some asshole people want to blow out of proportion), but other than that I am really trying my hardest to go on with my life. I remember maybe a week ago feeling like nothing would ever feel the same again, that there would never be "normal" again, but really the past few days have been alright. We have made some new plans and are moving forward with them. I just get this feeling of complete and total isolation sometimes (like now). It seems that even when I try to reach out to people they don't give a fuck and have no interest in even talking to me. I have lost so many friends it feels like in this whole deal, it doesn't really make sense. I feel like everything that happened for the first month was completely out of my control. In all reality I was barely even functioning, I don't understand how I could have pissed so many people off in that state. Even now I can't do much, I have been making dinner again which feels good...but hey guess what? That pisses off my roommates. I just can't win here.
I just really wish Loki would come back, I still don't feel like he will. I can't shake this feeling that my roommates are hiding something from me about him. None of it makes sense, we go out of town for ONE DAY and we get back and he is just gone? This not knowing if he is alive or not or if I will ever see him again is KILLING me. How can I ever get over him being gone when I am determined to not give up on him? I just want to know what happened, which I guess I could get over it maybe, I still wonder how the fire started..but I don't feel like I really have to know anymore...not all the time anyways.
ramble ramble ramble...feels good to get this all out I guess. Talking to myself is better than talking to no one right? now time to attempt to float off into my head and see if maybe I can talk to joe...