(no subject)
"..i must get it all out, and i must do it quickly. quickly now. quicker foxes jump over starving dogs. time is of the emptiness, must get it all down on paper: quick sticks! i must just vomit it all down on this sheet of paper, and take my leave as quickly as i can possibly manage. an urge. a sudden urge possesses me just to reveal all. my life has been a fraudulent document for weeks now. weeks upon weeks; now is the time to dispel all untruths. reveal all. scatter quickly, divulge all revealings. scatological revelations. quickly now! ok, ok. so, i lost my job about a month ago. just lost it, like that! one day i had a firm grasp on its pesky tail, the next: it's gone! like a reproductive bird, i couldn't contain it any longer. off it went! dropped it among all the trampling feet on the morning train, and couldn't find it again! disappeared! and my pride wouldn't allow me to get down on my hands and knees to search for it. nobody could know. i knew my life would just come crumbling apart if i allowed that to pass. so, i tried to keep my slippery grip on its escaping shadow. did my best! i told nobody, and just continued to catch the train every morning. didn't tell my wife, told nobody. i ate into our joint account, sat in a bar every morning after; drinking down my denial, and spent my afternoons looking through adult bookstores. went home afterwards, like nothing was out of the ordinary. walked through the door every afternoon, just like i always had. it was the penultimate imperfect crime. flowed like clockwork! alcohol in the morning, pornography in the afternoon. dissonance, pestilence: sins of the flesh. it was all swirling around in the pit of my cavernous ears for two guilt-addled weeks before the pain settled in. the headaches burned. i began to drink more in the mornings to drown away my throbbing temples, but it was no juice to the gods. no medicine worthy of sublime duty. it burned away, the bludgeoning equivalent of a chastity belt drilled across my forehead. oh me! oh my! the headaches raged on. they were like armies built on both sides, mallet-wielding soldiers inhabiting the temporal spaces; smashing the ground, pounding their march as they advanced toward each other to meet in an apex somewhere on the superficial disputed zone of my frontal lobe. it raged, uncompromising. constant. like a pendulum. dong! so, naturally i went and saw a doctor. dong! i put it off, and i put it off some more. dong! but there were people, people hiding. dong! whenever i'd turn, walking along a silent street. people hiding. dong! there were people visiting my home when i wasn't there, they were there to inform my wife about everything that had happened. i wasn't to get away so easily. my exploits. dong! slayed bare. no hiding. so, i installed a burglar alarm. in the night, i would throw money at my wife. told her to go out more. get out, will you! i couldn't hide. dong! no longer, no hiding. my actions were monitored. get out, see the world! but the pills the doctor gave me just made the headaches worse. the throbbing escalated. when eventually my wife found out about everything, it all came spilling from me like locusts. the rest was inevitable. dong! everything reigned. i've gotten it all out. there! my urge has been put to bed. everything! i don't take any responsibility. the doctor was in cahoots with the men in the shadows. my boss, a man possessed. he is the quail who twittered among the teetering boulders, and sent this whole avalanche shuddering down to hell. everything's gone to hell. my boss, a man who must accept consequences. i lost my mind, i haven't decided whether i'll lose my life. all decisions. maybe i'll find it again someday. i lost my job, so i killed my wife. it's all alarms now. alarms are everywhere. alarms in my flesh, alarms in my marrow. alarms! alarms.."