(no subject)
Early in January I decided not to reapply for my assistantship, the deadline for which was Feb. 1. I did not reapply, because I was not(and still am not) sure that I want to continue with this degree, and it seemed particularly bad on my part to get an assistantship and then bail come summer time, thereby freeing up a slot that someone might have been able to get.
The open possibilities as I see them are to continue taking classes, but not teach, which will be more expensive, but managable if I live in Orlando and commute twice a week or so; to stop with it all together, which seems less tolerable but most preferred most of the time; to apply late for another assistantship and hope to pick up one like I did last year; and lastly, to go out into the woods and go to sleep and hope that in the night I am eaten by a bear and cease to have to worry about all of this shit.
Well, apparently the faculty had their yearly review of the students yesterday, and apparently the discussion of my progress was alarming for them. They were under the impression that I was not continuing with the program, and this bothered them. Last night during the break in my Nietzsche class, the professor came over to me and told me this much, and also told me that she and the other professors that have had me in class all spoke up that I was a "very smart guy" or something like that, and that I had good things to say in class, etc., etc. I must admit that I was surprised by this, seeing as how most of my work has been pretty lame thus far, and clearly not my best effort. But I think that however shitty what I have turned in they recognize that I could make it through the program, or that I have what it takes or something. So by way of all of this she was encouraging me to try and get money anyway, and to stay in the program.
So fuck, where does this leave me?
How am I supposed to justify dropping out to other people, or myself? I mean almost everyone who knows about my situation tells me I am an idiot for wanting to throw this away. And most of the time I tend to agree. But I cannot shake all of my instincts and inclinations - every time I reflect and try to searchout an answer to all of this I can only want to bail, or to continue in some way that is impossible. So then if I really think I should stay, I will have to change my situation such that I can find some strength to Want this.
This little engine that could Is 100yards from the top, with no coal, and is hoarse from convincing himself of bullshit.
The open possibilities as I see them are to continue taking classes, but not teach, which will be more expensive, but managable if I live in Orlando and commute twice a week or so; to stop with it all together, which seems less tolerable but most preferred most of the time; to apply late for another assistantship and hope to pick up one like I did last year; and lastly, to go out into the woods and go to sleep and hope that in the night I am eaten by a bear and cease to have to worry about all of this shit.
Well, apparently the faculty had their yearly review of the students yesterday, and apparently the discussion of my progress was alarming for them. They were under the impression that I was not continuing with the program, and this bothered them. Last night during the break in my Nietzsche class, the professor came over to me and told me this much, and also told me that she and the other professors that have had me in class all spoke up that I was a "very smart guy" or something like that, and that I had good things to say in class, etc., etc. I must admit that I was surprised by this, seeing as how most of my work has been pretty lame thus far, and clearly not my best effort. But I think that however shitty what I have turned in they recognize that I could make it through the program, or that I have what it takes or something. So by way of all of this she was encouraging me to try and get money anyway, and to stay in the program.
So fuck, where does this leave me?
How am I supposed to justify dropping out to other people, or myself? I mean almost everyone who knows about my situation tells me I am an idiot for wanting to throw this away. And most of the time I tend to agree. But I cannot shake all of my instincts and inclinations - every time I reflect and try to searchout an answer to all of this I can only want to bail, or to continue in some way that is impossible. So then if I really think I should stay, I will have to change my situation such that I can find some strength to Want this.
This little engine that could Is 100yards from the top, with no coal, and is hoarse from convincing himself of bullshit.