(no subject)
I'm pregnant. About 5 weeks. And, I can't talk to anyone about it. I've told a few, but because I'm a "high risk" the doctor tells me to not start celebrating just yet. High risk has such a scary ring to it. It's worrysome. I told my mom, and she is so happy she was yelling and screaming on the phone. I'm just wondering how upset she will be if I don't get through the 1st trimester. First OBGYN is on Monday, and hopefully they can shed some light and let me be excited about the whole thing. I'm thinking I'm about 5 weeks along, which puts the date of conception on my birthday, which is a little funny to me. How am I supposed to be quiet about it? How can I possibly stop myself from talking about one of the most exciting, life changing, wonderful things that has happened to me?
This is the first time I've logged into LJ in quite some time. I know that makes me horrible and all that, but I guess life just happened to me. Logging in, I realized that Leah finally de-friended me. I knew it would come sooner or later, and yanno, there are times when I miss her. And then I remember... and the missing stops. Such is life I suppose. A baby. I never thought I would see the day that I would actually WANT a child, let alone actually be pregnant. I know, everyone will tell me it will be a wonderful experience and I will be fantastic, etc, etc. And all I can think about is how am I going to be able to fuck this one up? I also know that people will tell me how every parent messes up, I think it's part of the parenting job to screw up your kids somehow. I'm just a little concerned with how MUCH I can screw them up.
We are also moving into a house. Hopefully we will have the keys tomorrow. I've taken 5 tests. Just to be sure. They all say positive, but you can't be too cautious. I have more tests to take, Jim says I'm being just a tad paranoid. But, that high risk thing has me a little freaked out. I'm thinking that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and the test is going to say negative. And then the baby will just not be there anymore. High risk....