(no subject)
What a shitty week. I slept horribly until wednesday. I wrote a paper on tuesday and wednesday. I have been slacking off on scriptwriting. I'm completely unmovitvated to work on the script, or do anything for that matter.
I've learned that I will be alone for the rest of my life. It seems inevitable. For some reason, no one sees what I have to offer. Maybe I just keep up a wall too big for people to climb over. Whatever the reason, I might as well just get about 10 or so cats, a bottle of prune juice, denture cream, and never leave my apartment. I feel so old, and constantly wonder what the point of going on is. People make me feel really unattractive, which I don't think is so. But you start to believe it, when no one is interested in you.
To top it all off, I made a complete ass of myself at 3rd degree. I tried to be all cool, and try to make it to the end of the ceremony. What did that get me? A fucking trip head first to the floor with a stop off at the table. In front of the whole chapter, I just want to crawl into a hole. No one will say anything, but I know it'll always be on their mind. So fucking embarassing.
I know people say they care, and they are just worried about me but it doesn't affect me. It's like well that's what you are expected to say. I have so much trouble trusting people. It never fails that as soon as I give some trust, I always get shut down. People have told me that they never know if I'm really happy, excited, or if I like something. It's because I just usually keep all my feelings inside. I don't share them because I feel like people don't really care enough. I feel embarassed to share my feelings, cause I always feel judged when I actually try to share with pople. Don't take it personally, but that's all I know how to do. If you never trust anyone, or share then you can't be hurt.
(But as much as I say that, what I really long for is people to connect to)
I've learned that I will be alone for the rest of my life. It seems inevitable. For some reason, no one sees what I have to offer. Maybe I just keep up a wall too big for people to climb over. Whatever the reason, I might as well just get about 10 or so cats, a bottle of prune juice, denture cream, and never leave my apartment. I feel so old, and constantly wonder what the point of going on is. People make me feel really unattractive, which I don't think is so. But you start to believe it, when no one is interested in you.
To top it all off, I made a complete ass of myself at 3rd degree. I tried to be all cool, and try to make it to the end of the ceremony. What did that get me? A fucking trip head first to the floor with a stop off at the table. In front of the whole chapter, I just want to crawl into a hole. No one will say anything, but I know it'll always be on their mind. So fucking embarassing.
I know people say they care, and they are just worried about me but it doesn't affect me. It's like well that's what you are expected to say. I have so much trouble trusting people. It never fails that as soon as I give some trust, I always get shut down. People have told me that they never know if I'm really happy, excited, or if I like something. It's because I just usually keep all my feelings inside. I don't share them because I feel like people don't really care enough. I feel embarassed to share my feelings, cause I always feel judged when I actually try to share with pople. Don't take it personally, but that's all I know how to do. If you never trust anyone, or share then you can't be hurt.
(But as much as I say that, what I really long for is people to connect to)