(no subject)
This must be the breaking point in everyone's life/semester. I tried to go to the SRSC tonight and I talked to Raeann like half an hour before i left and she said she'd go. I got there and she wasn't and didn't leave a message for me to get afterwards? I'm so confused. It's really no use for me to be at the srsc when i'm tired or sad. I just really can't accomplish anything well. I got through the bicycle portion and then I got overwhelmed. There were too many people there. It seems like more and more people are coming late at night and that pisses me off. Anyways, I'm skipping my first class tomorrow and might even just skip rock class depending on how I feel. I've been sick for a week and now I'm sad. This may be coming out of the blue for some of you and probably most of you.
Let me start at the begining of this year. Everything was fine at the begining, maybe 1-2 weeks. Then slowly I sunk into depression. I was pretty much just overwhelmed by everything. I had came out to one of my friends over the summer but it was pretty hush hush. She was the first one I ever told. Then I came out to Erica, then Stacy. I was getting comfortable with accepting and understanding it. It was still wierd though. I didn't wanna be seen as the "bi" kid or whatever I am. I didn't want to be treated diffrent. I had also just lost a substantial amount of weight and was dealing with being treated diffrently. No one wanted to talk to me before. As time goes on I get more comfortable talking and being more open about everything in general and really putting trust in people for the first time. It was really hard to do. I really didn't have a pleasent experiance growing up. All through middle and high school I went to the same private school. Everyone was basically the same person, rich and snobby and judgmental. I hung out with a group of people but we never were really friends. I only had 2 real friends through high school. One of them got expelled at the end of junior year and got into some pretty serious trouble. I never really felt close to anyone, including my parents, who always taught me I had to be perfect. I can remember trying to help my dad with chores around the house and when I didn't know what the tool he wanted was called or messed up he'd ask me if I was stupid. I am slowly putting more trust and building a relationship with my parents though. It's not all bad. Back to high school. I had people that I hung out with and were "Friends" but they just made fun of me all the time and started rumors. It was kind of hard going through high school being called a faggot when I was still confused about my sexuality and not even out. Senior year I pretty much didn't give a fuck about anyone I went to school with and just tried to get out as soon as possible.
Holy shit, that was a tangent. Bringing this back together. So for the vast majority of fall semester I was pretty depressed. People would ask what was wrong but I said I was tired or just nothing was wrong. I was pretty much raised not to show emotion and if I did I had to make sure no one would see. It really sucked because I despratly wanted to talk to people about it. But I felt if I talked with anyone I'd feel dumb for being a whiny little bitch and that I'd be embarassed the next day. I still feel this way. Like I can't really talk to someone or really have someone that would have the time to listen to me, or someone I trust and feel comfortable enough to cry in front of. I'm a lot more comfortable now. Over the holiday break I pretty much sorted my shit out. I was a lot better this semester. I was occasionally sad. Sometimes, like today, I get really depressed. I just don't wanna do anything but I wanna do everything at the same time. I have hope, which makes me wonder how I can be so sad. I really don't know if I should type something here. It would probably scare a lot of people and I'd get a lecture on how stupid it is. I still have these thoughts sometimes. It scares me and I don't wanna burden anyone else. I'd like to type it her but I really am not seeking any attention. I'm just trying to get my feelings out in hope that I can release it and start fresh again. I'm just kinda lonely. All through growing up, I never really trusted anyone. I was always confused about my sexuality for the vast portion of my teen years. I'm just gonna put this out there. I've never had a girlfriend or boyfriend, ergo I'm a virgin. I never told anyone that ever. I just wanna be honest. Now, I think I'm at a point in my life where I'm actually getting comfortable in my own skin. I just wanna get some stuff out in the open. I'm sorry for taking up so much space in everone's lj friends area. I actually feel a lot better now than when I first started typing. So, I guess this worked. I'm still kinda sad. Maybe I will go to rock class tomorrow but I'm definatly skipping the first one. We'll see how I am tomorrow. If any of you took the time to read the whole thing then thank you for taking the time. I'm sorry for wasting so much of your time. I'm gonna go now. Maybe watch a movie or go to bed. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
*UPDATE*
Yeah, I forgot to mention that basically because of the stuff I have said and stories I haven't I really have a hard time trusting people. I'm pretty shy when it comes to meeting people or trying to find someone special. I don't mean to make people feel bad about themselves. It's just I wonder why people would want to be my friend or want to talk to me. So, if you're reading this and I've talked to you a little and wonder why I'm so shy and don't talk a lot that's why. If you really want to get to know me then let me know. I'm always up for more friends.
Let me start at the begining of this year. Everything was fine at the begining, maybe 1-2 weeks. Then slowly I sunk into depression. I was pretty much just overwhelmed by everything. I had came out to one of my friends over the summer but it was pretty hush hush. She was the first one I ever told. Then I came out to Erica, then Stacy. I was getting comfortable with accepting and understanding it. It was still wierd though. I didn't wanna be seen as the "bi" kid or whatever I am. I didn't want to be treated diffrent. I had also just lost a substantial amount of weight and was dealing with being treated diffrently. No one wanted to talk to me before. As time goes on I get more comfortable talking and being more open about everything in general and really putting trust in people for the first time. It was really hard to do. I really didn't have a pleasent experiance growing up. All through middle and high school I went to the same private school. Everyone was basically the same person, rich and snobby and judgmental. I hung out with a group of people but we never were really friends. I only had 2 real friends through high school. One of them got expelled at the end of junior year and got into some pretty serious trouble. I never really felt close to anyone, including my parents, who always taught me I had to be perfect. I can remember trying to help my dad with chores around the house and when I didn't know what the tool he wanted was called or messed up he'd ask me if I was stupid. I am slowly putting more trust and building a relationship with my parents though. It's not all bad. Back to high school. I had people that I hung out with and were "Friends" but they just made fun of me all the time and started rumors. It was kind of hard going through high school being called a faggot when I was still confused about my sexuality and not even out. Senior year I pretty much didn't give a fuck about anyone I went to school with and just tried to get out as soon as possible.
Holy shit, that was a tangent. Bringing this back together. So for the vast majority of fall semester I was pretty depressed. People would ask what was wrong but I said I was tired or just nothing was wrong. I was pretty much raised not to show emotion and if I did I had to make sure no one would see. It really sucked because I despratly wanted to talk to people about it. But I felt if I talked with anyone I'd feel dumb for being a whiny little bitch and that I'd be embarassed the next day. I still feel this way. Like I can't really talk to someone or really have someone that would have the time to listen to me, or someone I trust and feel comfortable enough to cry in front of. I'm a lot more comfortable now. Over the holiday break I pretty much sorted my shit out. I was a lot better this semester. I was occasionally sad. Sometimes, like today, I get really depressed. I just don't wanna do anything but I wanna do everything at the same time. I have hope, which makes me wonder how I can be so sad. I really don't know if I should type something here. It would probably scare a lot of people and I'd get a lecture on how stupid it is. I still have these thoughts sometimes. It scares me and I don't wanna burden anyone else. I'd like to type it her but I really am not seeking any attention. I'm just trying to get my feelings out in hope that I can release it and start fresh again. I'm just kinda lonely. All through growing up, I never really trusted anyone. I was always confused about my sexuality for the vast portion of my teen years. I'm just gonna put this out there. I've never had a girlfriend or boyfriend, ergo I'm a virgin. I never told anyone that ever. I just wanna be honest. Now, I think I'm at a point in my life where I'm actually getting comfortable in my own skin. I just wanna get some stuff out in the open. I'm sorry for taking up so much space in everone's lj friends area. I actually feel a lot better now than when I first started typing. So, I guess this worked. I'm still kinda sad. Maybe I will go to rock class tomorrow but I'm definatly skipping the first one. We'll see how I am tomorrow. If any of you took the time to read the whole thing then thank you for taking the time. I'm sorry for wasting so much of your time. I'm gonna go now. Maybe watch a movie or go to bed. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
*UPDATE*
Yeah, I forgot to mention that basically because of the stuff I have said and stories I haven't I really have a hard time trusting people. I'm pretty shy when it comes to meeting people or trying to find someone special. I don't mean to make people feel bad about themselves. It's just I wonder why people would want to be my friend or want to talk to me. So, if you're reading this and I've talked to you a little and wonder why I'm so shy and don't talk a lot that's why. If you really want to get to know me then let me know. I'm always up for more friends.