Twenty Orderly Random Facts about Severus Snape's Life (PG; Severus, others; 1465 words)

[iulia_linnea]

Title: Twenty Orderly Random Facts about Severus Snape's Life
Author:
iulia_linnea
Pairing: implied Severus/Hermione
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1465
Summary: Severus has lost count of how many times he's walked through his own front door . . . .
Disclaimer: This work of fan fiction is based on characters and situations created by J. K. Rowling and owned by J. K. Rowling and various publishers, including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made from (and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended by) the posting of this fan work.
Author's Note: Written for the hell of it, and because I had this cool list of counting-related words. ;P

1. Once, Severus loved perfectly but not for long: her name was Peaches, and she was an old cat who hung around a neighbour's back garden. She was fat, glossy, and ancient, and she never deigned move much for anyone-not even the kind lady who kept her sassy and in good health-but she always came waddling to Severus . . . even on those occasions when he hadn't brought any meat scraps. Peaches purred to see him, allowed his tentative head pats, and once-and only once-permitted him to caress her exposed belly whilst warming it in the weak sun.
   
   Having made Peaches' acquaintance late in her life, it was not a surprise when he happened upon her favourite spot and found it empty. The seventeen days that Severus had spent sharing food with her had been wondrous to him because she'd truly seemed to enjoy and welcome his company. Yes, it had been the perfect relationship: the boundaries had been clear, the need, mutual, and the reward, equal. For that, Severus had sneaked home to take all the food in his private stash to bury with her; it seemed wrong not to do something like that, and cats don't care for flowers.
2. Twice in his life, Severus killed. The first time, it was . . . initiation-difficult, bloody, brutal. The second time was Albus. Killing him had been easier than he'd thought it would be.
   
   Severus doesn't think about his potioneering for the Dark Lord. It's only twice that he's killed, and that's killed rather than murdered. His firmness on this point cannot be overstated.
3. Thrice, Severus can remember laughing with joy; each time was tinged with pain, but the joy of having a girl for the first time was pure adrenalin-rushed goodness; the joy of being chosen by a sad boy to love furtively, to kiss for keeps, well, any pain he felt after a clumsy lubrication spell was fleeting. Flying with Lily, the weightless, freeing wonder of it, well, that was entirely joyful-hitting his head on that tree branch was painful, true, but in his dreams, he takes off at her side again and again and again . . . .
4. Quarce, the Dark Lord punished him before a gathering of Death Eaters. That it was only four fucking times is a miracle, but Severus has tried to forget those moments, no matter that sometimes, when they rise in his mind, they still seem to last forever.
5. Quince, he's poisoned himself in the laboratory, and only once while at Hogwarts as a student. No one, save the Bloody Baron, knows about these incidents. No one else ever shall.
6. Sence, Severus has purchased new shoes for himself. He disdains Cushioning Charms; they make the shoes feel cramped somehow. There are numerous charms designed to prevent the ruination of shoes, and countless repair spells for them; Severus has employed several of them. That said, it's often not worth trying to fix a cheap pair of anything, so he doesn't go to great lengths to avoid such purchases. In this regard, and this one alone, he's failed his own natural frugality for years.
7. Septence, the Spellcraftres' Guild has offered Severus residency. Septence, Severus has refused. Spellcraftres gossip.
8. Octence, his father took Severus to the chippy and then down the pub. These occasions were, at first, highlights in his young life; as Severus grew up, however, he realised that his da was using him for nefarious purpose. He decided that his father prolly thought Mam wouldn't suspect that he'd bring his boy to meet another woman. Sometimes, the other women doted on him; sometimes, the "whores" said awful things and had Tobias make him wait in the back, or in the alley, or in the loo. Sometimes, those were the places that Da did his "business." The whores usually preferred the alley. When Tobias would refuse to pay them, which was most of the time, well, Severus remembered the men in the shadows-there was always one there to see if one weren't entirely pissed-who would achieve payment in one way or another.
   
   Severus always told the doting ones that his da was married. They would always pretend to be shocked and then run home.
   
   Eight times. Merlin, his father disgusted him, even in memory. Especially in memory.
9. Novence, the Dark Lord told Severus that they would accomplish great things together. To his shame, Severus believed him on four of those occasions. He'd been so green at the start.
10. Decence, the blind dates on which he'd allowed himself to be a grudging participant in had gone badly. As he'd only ever had ten blind dates, that had been enough of that for Severus. On his last one, after the war, after recovery, after . . . shit he didn't care upon which to dwell, what made him cease to date blindly was when the witch in question reached out to pluck a strand of hair from his head.
    
    The Aurors held him for almost a month before the Do Gooder could secure him an advocate.
    
    Hair, skin, fingernails, tears, spit, semen-sod anyone who tried to take spell ingredients from him!
11. Undecence and counting, Severus has tried to explain to his son that not every witch is worth having, and that one day, one day, he's hinted, Ophiuchus will find the wizard of his dreams.
    
    It's tricky, knowing more about one's child than one's child knows about himself.
    
    Fucking thankless, rearing children, sometimes-not that Severus minds, of course. Phi got his nose, but his mother's looks, thank Merlin-and his mind, when not hormonally addled, is magnificent.
    
    And no, Severus isn't biased, thank you very much.
12. Duodecence, his wife has insisted, while attending one conference or another, that Severus find the "sort of company" she can only be with the application of Polyjuice. He's never actually obeyed her, but he loves her fiercely for not trying to cage him; it makes him feel free.
    
    In any case, he has not one but two hands and a vivid imagination.
13. Tredecence, and Severus understands how juvenile it is, he's "randomly" had occasion to hex his wife's most annoying former beau. He's never experienced one iota of regret regarding these lapses, well, not much. It's not as though he's bullying the bastard, just pettily untying his laces here, cooling his coffee there, and stupid, harmless things like that.
    
    The git did leave her at the altar, after all. He is owed.
14. Quattuordecence, now, and Severus expects that there will be more such moments of pride, his twin girls have performed such advanced feats of magic that they've stolen away his breath. So very like their mother, yet entirely their own people, he is ever in awe at their confident competence, at the artistry of their thaumaturgical skill. Oh, yes, they are his girls, too.
15. Quindecence, he and the Weasley brat, and by that, he means George Weasley, have worked together on a Wheeze. Severus' favourite one is the Patience Pastille, which has convinced Hermione that he is one of the best parents in the history of parenting.
    
    It's also saved their children's lives on many occasions.
    
    If he plays his cards right, he'll be able to retire on the proceeds of the Wheezes.
16. Sedecence, Severus has been hospitalised for complications from . . . the war.
    
    He hates snakes, now.
    
    Hermione suspects, but they do not ever discuss the matter.
17. Septendecence, the Ministry for Magic has attempted to foist various degrees of Orders of Merlin on him.
    
    The Atrium suffered structural damage after his last Howler opened unexpectedly.
    
    He's largely left alone in the wake of the incident.
18. Decenoctence, he and the children have surprised Hermione with near-flawless dinners. She has no idea they have the food ordered in from Lovegood's establishment.
19. Decennovence, while Severus was attempting to teach the children to cook (something their mother was not able to do), they almost destroyed their home.
    
    There are charms against fire, of course, but Eileen and Eleanor take after their mother, and they're sneaksome brats upon occasion.
    
    Ophiuchus can follow a recipe.
20. Vicence, Severus has returned home from his apothecary to discover some form of stray in his dwelling place, only to be reminded, sternly, that it's "their" dwelling place. Their dwelling, their home-Severus never thought he'd have a home or a family, and so upon these occasions, he brews a pot of tea and takes the newcomer to meet Peaches the Second, who has never yet failed to leap down from her comfortable perch to greet him, her tail high, and her welcoming eyes bright.
    
    Severus has lost count of how many times he's walked through his own front door, and he doesn't care: home is home. Home is family. Home is fur on every bloody thing.
    
    And he and Peaches wouldn't have it any other way.