(no subject)
Well, life sure knows how to throw you a bunch of surprises all at once when you are not mentally or emotionally prepared for them. Not that any of these things can be prepared for. They far surpass my own imagination. I was only making my way through one surprise last night when another dropped out of the sky.
I found out that a childhood friend, a guy who lived only two houses down from my father's in Willow Glen, died last week. Because I only found out yesterday, I missed the funeral. For reasons I'll leave unsaid, I didn't keep in touch with him after 2000. Now I feel kind of bad about that. That's four years of only getting tidbits of news about him through the grapevine, including this horrible news. But that doesn't mean I stopped caring about him. That doesn't mean that the news isn't making me cry. His death has left a sinking feeling inside. It just doesn't seem real. None of it does.
The details of his death that I heard were so horrible that I remained in a state of partial disbelief while I slept--though in reality, only a cruel, cruel person would joke about death, and this would have been just sick. I called his parents this morning and they confirmed the news. Just what does one say in this position? I didn't know what to say besides "I'm sorry." His father read a poem about my friend that another family member wrote; it made my tears spill over. His father was happy that I called, and I plan on going over to their house tomorrow to see them after a doctor's appointment. My own parents knew him and I'm not even sure if I want to tell them, or how to. The details (I've already said) are tragic.
Combined with the surprise I got last night, his death has reopened old wounds. All I can do at the moment is listen to music and think about things I didn't want to think about again, reflect on choices and feelings. It's a confusing mess upstairs right now because it's changing my perspective on "stuff," on life, and is doing so at a hundred miles an hour.
I feel sad, shocked, numb, forgiving, understanding, angry, distressed, sorrowful, and somber. I'm in a state of reflection and disbelief.
I found out that a childhood friend, a guy who lived only two houses down from my father's in Willow Glen, died last week. Because I only found out yesterday, I missed the funeral. For reasons I'll leave unsaid, I didn't keep in touch with him after 2000. Now I feel kind of bad about that. That's four years of only getting tidbits of news about him through the grapevine, including this horrible news. But that doesn't mean I stopped caring about him. That doesn't mean that the news isn't making me cry. His death has left a sinking feeling inside. It just doesn't seem real. None of it does.
The details of his death that I heard were so horrible that I remained in a state of partial disbelief while I slept--though in reality, only a cruel, cruel person would joke about death, and this would have been just sick. I called his parents this morning and they confirmed the news. Just what does one say in this position? I didn't know what to say besides "I'm sorry." His father read a poem about my friend that another family member wrote; it made my tears spill over. His father was happy that I called, and I plan on going over to their house tomorrow to see them after a doctor's appointment. My own parents knew him and I'm not even sure if I want to tell them, or how to. The details (I've already said) are tragic.
Combined with the surprise I got last night, his death has reopened old wounds. All I can do at the moment is listen to music and think about things I didn't want to think about again, reflect on choices and feelings. It's a confusing mess upstairs right now because it's changing my perspective on "stuff," on life, and is doing so at a hundred miles an hour.
I feel sad, shocked, numb, forgiving, understanding, angry, distressed, sorrowful, and somber. I'm in a state of reflection and disbelief.