just_muse_me | 14.8.1. A Case of Need
14.8.1. A Case of Need
Co-written with texas33forever
[Follows THIS, THIS and THIS]
Jason parked himself beside Tim’s hospital bed and locked the brakes on his wheelchair. He could feel Tim watching him but hadn’t made eye contact yet. When he finally did, there was a slight moment of awkwardness where he pulled his lips to the side and cleared his throat. But he soon just laughed and shook his head. “Fuck,” he commented and scratched his temple.
“Ya’ know, it’s almost like ya’ just came in here wavin’ a little warnin’ flag with ‘Caution: D an’ M in progress’ on it,” Tim drawled, his eyes still heavy from the lethargy of dealing with the illness. “S said ya’ were wantin’ t’talk. I… think ya’ kinda right.”
Jason nodded. He sat forward and rested his elbows on the edge of Tim’s mattress. “It’s taken me a lot longer to get over everything than I though it had. In a lot of ways, I’m still not even over some things. You were one person I never in my life expected to hurt me, especially the way you did. I know we made amends in Mexico but I don’t think it was as easy as just that and I’ve been… wary… to try and take our friendship back to what it was. Things were civil and friendly, but there was no closeness. There hasn’t been since the accident,” he began quietly. “Because I was scared of getting hurt again. Not scared of you stealing anyone I fall for, even if that’s niggling slightly inside me somewhere. Because that wasn’t what hurt the most. It was you away doing that and not being there for me at the time in my life I needed you the most.”
Tim was silent as Jason spoke and when he stopped, Tim’s blue eyes dipped down to his lap. “I know. I didn’t know how t’handle what happened t’ya’. And I ain’t makin’ excuses. Ya’ needa know that. I can’t ever take back what I did or how I did it or even why I did it. At the time, it was like I was tryin’ t’totally block ya’ outta my mind because I just didn’t know how t’deal with the fact ya’ weren’t getting’ better. I didn’t know how t’help ya’. Couldn’t help ya’ and it was easier t’steer clear and not face that rather than comin’ here and seein’ ya’ in this situation that I couldn’t help ya’ outta. I was always like a ya’ sidekick. I was supposed t’not let ya’ get hurt out there and ya’ did. Ya’ did and I wasn’t even anywhere near ya’ on the field to try and stop it.”
“This wasn’t your fault, Tim,” Jason said with a frown. He paused and exhaled slowly. That wasn’t the right tactic for this conversation. He had many people in the past try to tell him things weren’t his fault and he had tried many times to tell people the same in return. It never worked. “Do you still blame yourself?” he asked.
Tim gave a slight nod. “On some level,” he admitted. “Mostly just blame m’self for things bein’ shit between us these days. I mean, not totally shit. I ain’t ever been more thankful of anythin’ than when ya’ forgave me f’the Lyla thing. I just miss havin’ a best mate t’turn to for more than a drink t’gether now an’ again. When ya’ went t’New York, I figured it was just all over. Didn’t think I’d hear that much from ya’ again. Ya’ had no reason t’look back t’Dillon after everythin’.”
“I lost everything, Tim,” Jason reminded him, his features reflecting a wash of pain. “All in one blink of an eye - one tackle - I lost it all. And I knew I wasn’t ever going to get it back. It was going to take a lot more than a year or so to try to accept that, especially when I spent a lot of that time deluded as to what was really happening to me. The trip to try out for the Quad Rugby team was a very small start at finding out who I was as a quadriplegic, because I wasn’t who I used to be and I was never going to be that person again. For the very reason that nothing was ever going to be the same for me. Then when I started to find myself, I started to get angry at what I had lost and although I was hurt by what you did to me with Lyla and hurt even more that Lyla would do that to me, I could only see myself - in this chair - as the reason it all happened. I didn’t want to be in the chair anymore. I wanted to walk. I wanted to be the old Jason again and get back everything I had lost. I was crazy hell-bent on that and that’s not something you need me to tell you. When you spoke to me on the boat, it was like you completely crushed my delusions and I could see clearly for the first time in a long time and I didn’t like what I was seeing. I saw no end and no hope, that’s why I stopped thinking and did the stupid thing of jumping off the boat. After that, things became a little clearer for me and I could see it was time to start dealing with life as a quad and dealing with what I had, not what I didn’t have. Somewhere in the mix, you took a genuine liking to Lyla and you wanted to be with her. I don’t know why that was. I don’t need to know. All I know was that it was painful for me to witness and to be around, but at the same time, I didn’t want you to be miserable. You were still my best friend… had been my best friend since diapers. I loved you. You deserved to be happy and if she was making you happy, so be it. But I couldn’t deal with that, Riggs. I couldn’t pretend like nothing happened and we were all happy families. So I just pulled back and focused on trying to get my life back to something I could at least tolerate. I just never expected the path I chose to end up blowing up in my face again.”
Tim reached for Jason’s hand, tucking his fingers under Jason’s curled, immobile ones. “I’m sorry,” he told him in barely more than a whisper. “I know that will never completely fix what I did or how it all happened, but I am. I didn’t ever wanna see ya’ hurtin’, Six. Ever. It was fucked up that I was the cause of it when it happened. I just wanna chance t’make it up t’ya. I wanna chance t’be ya’ best mate again an’ t’help ya’ ‘cause I know ya’ ain’t totally found ya’ way again yet. But ya’ will. Ya’ QB. That ain’t ever gonna change.”
Jason nodded, biting down on his lips as he felt that tell-tale tickle of tears threatening in the back of his throat. “No regrets?” he said, the words choked.
“No regrets, Six,” Tim murmured with a faint, tired smile at his friend. “You gonna say it, or should I?”
Jason smirked, putting his hand up to brush a stray tear away that escape. “Texas forever…” he said with a slight laugh and then nodded slowly. “Texas forever.”
“Damn straight,” Tim confirmed in his deep Texan drawl, and then added, “Can’t lose…”
“Can lose,” Jason corrected, looking down at his fingers entwined with Tim’s. “You just need to know what to do to find it again.”
Tim watched Jason closely. “Anythin’ it takes, Six,” he promised, swearing deep inside that he would keep the promise even if it killed him. “Anythin’.”
supermarketsam referenced with permission. Not binding on any Lyla muses.
Word Count | 1,297
Co-written with texas33forever
[Follows THIS, THIS and THIS]
Jason parked himself beside Tim’s hospital bed and locked the brakes on his wheelchair. He could feel Tim watching him but hadn’t made eye contact yet. When he finally did, there was a slight moment of awkwardness where he pulled his lips to the side and cleared his throat. But he soon just laughed and shook his head. “Fuck,” he commented and scratched his temple.
“Ya’ know, it’s almost like ya’ just came in here wavin’ a little warnin’ flag with ‘Caution: D an’ M in progress’ on it,” Tim drawled, his eyes still heavy from the lethargy of dealing with the illness. “S said ya’ were wantin’ t’talk. I… think ya’ kinda right.”
Jason nodded. He sat forward and rested his elbows on the edge of Tim’s mattress. “It’s taken me a lot longer to get over everything than I though it had. In a lot of ways, I’m still not even over some things. You were one person I never in my life expected to hurt me, especially the way you did. I know we made amends in Mexico but I don’t think it was as easy as just that and I’ve been… wary… to try and take our friendship back to what it was. Things were civil and friendly, but there was no closeness. There hasn’t been since the accident,” he began quietly. “Because I was scared of getting hurt again. Not scared of you stealing anyone I fall for, even if that’s niggling slightly inside me somewhere. Because that wasn’t what hurt the most. It was you away doing that and not being there for me at the time in my life I needed you the most.”
Tim was silent as Jason spoke and when he stopped, Tim’s blue eyes dipped down to his lap. “I know. I didn’t know how t’handle what happened t’ya’. And I ain’t makin’ excuses. Ya’ needa know that. I can’t ever take back what I did or how I did it or even why I did it. At the time, it was like I was tryin’ t’totally block ya’ outta my mind because I just didn’t know how t’deal with the fact ya’ weren’t getting’ better. I didn’t know how t’help ya’. Couldn’t help ya’ and it was easier t’steer clear and not face that rather than comin’ here and seein’ ya’ in this situation that I couldn’t help ya’ outta. I was always like a ya’ sidekick. I was supposed t’not let ya’ get hurt out there and ya’ did. Ya’ did and I wasn’t even anywhere near ya’ on the field to try and stop it.”
“This wasn’t your fault, Tim,” Jason said with a frown. He paused and exhaled slowly. That wasn’t the right tactic for this conversation. He had many people in the past try to tell him things weren’t his fault and he had tried many times to tell people the same in return. It never worked. “Do you still blame yourself?” he asked.
Tim gave a slight nod. “On some level,” he admitted. “Mostly just blame m’self for things bein’ shit between us these days. I mean, not totally shit. I ain’t ever been more thankful of anythin’ than when ya’ forgave me f’the Lyla thing. I just miss havin’ a best mate t’turn to for more than a drink t’gether now an’ again. When ya’ went t’New York, I figured it was just all over. Didn’t think I’d hear that much from ya’ again. Ya’ had no reason t’look back t’Dillon after everythin’.”
“I lost everything, Tim,” Jason reminded him, his features reflecting a wash of pain. “All in one blink of an eye - one tackle - I lost it all. And I knew I wasn’t ever going to get it back. It was going to take a lot more than a year or so to try to accept that, especially when I spent a lot of that time deluded as to what was really happening to me. The trip to try out for the Quad Rugby team was a very small start at finding out who I was as a quadriplegic, because I wasn’t who I used to be and I was never going to be that person again. For the very reason that nothing was ever going to be the same for me. Then when I started to find myself, I started to get angry at what I had lost and although I was hurt by what you did to me with Lyla and hurt even more that Lyla would do that to me, I could only see myself - in this chair - as the reason it all happened. I didn’t want to be in the chair anymore. I wanted to walk. I wanted to be the old Jason again and get back everything I had lost. I was crazy hell-bent on that and that’s not something you need me to tell you. When you spoke to me on the boat, it was like you completely crushed my delusions and I could see clearly for the first time in a long time and I didn’t like what I was seeing. I saw no end and no hope, that’s why I stopped thinking and did the stupid thing of jumping off the boat. After that, things became a little clearer for me and I could see it was time to start dealing with life as a quad and dealing with what I had, not what I didn’t have. Somewhere in the mix, you took a genuine liking to Lyla and you wanted to be with her. I don’t know why that was. I don’t need to know. All I know was that it was painful for me to witness and to be around, but at the same time, I didn’t want you to be miserable. You were still my best friend… had been my best friend since diapers. I loved you. You deserved to be happy and if she was making you happy, so be it. But I couldn’t deal with that, Riggs. I couldn’t pretend like nothing happened and we were all happy families. So I just pulled back and focused on trying to get my life back to something I could at least tolerate. I just never expected the path I chose to end up blowing up in my face again.”
Tim reached for Jason’s hand, tucking his fingers under Jason’s curled, immobile ones. “I’m sorry,” he told him in barely more than a whisper. “I know that will never completely fix what I did or how it all happened, but I am. I didn’t ever wanna see ya’ hurtin’, Six. Ever. It was fucked up that I was the cause of it when it happened. I just wanna chance t’make it up t’ya. I wanna chance t’be ya’ best mate again an’ t’help ya’ ‘cause I know ya’ ain’t totally found ya’ way again yet. But ya’ will. Ya’ QB. That ain’t ever gonna change.”
Jason nodded, biting down on his lips as he felt that tell-tale tickle of tears threatening in the back of his throat. “No regrets?” he said, the words choked.
“No regrets, Six,” Tim murmured with a faint, tired smile at his friend. “You gonna say it, or should I?”
Jason smirked, putting his hand up to brush a stray tear away that escape. “Texas forever…” he said with a slight laugh and then nodded slowly. “Texas forever.”
“Damn straight,” Tim confirmed in his deep Texan drawl, and then added, “Can’t lose…”
“Can lose,” Jason corrected, looking down at his fingers entwined with Tim’s. “You just need to know what to do to find it again.”
Tim watched Jason closely. “Anythin’ it takes, Six,” he promised, swearing deep inside that he would keep the promise even if it killed him. “Anythin’.”
supermarketsam referenced with permission. Not binding on any Lyla muses.
Word Count | 1,297