...Continued story. -SIGH- Will it ever be done?
Prologue
Nicole Looked over at Derrik Lorski, an audible sigh escaping her lips. He was the perfect man, in her mind, a God and just as untouchable. She had not noticed the dreamy look that fell onto her face nor the longing that showed itself in her pale blue eyes. Derrik noticed though, he felt the eyes on him, felt the need burning into his back. Turning around he saw Chunk, what his friends and well just about everyone called Nicole, staring directly at him. She was never unattractive to him, in all actually he thought her pretty with her long curly fire red hair, and innocent blue deer like eyes. But he could never let the guys know this, he would never hear the end of it. They teased her because she was overweight, had braces and stuttered when nervous. Then Derrik noticed Mark, the main tormentor looking at him a leer on his face. He was waiting for Derrik to torment her. He hated doing it, knowing she liked him but he had to or else forget about his popularity and spot as captain of the football team. Throwing on his varsity Jacket he walked over her ,
" You got a problem, eh, Chunk?" The pain was evident on her face, he had never made direct fun of her like the others and she had thought he was different.
" Nuuh...Nuh..o" her small child like voice quivered as did her slight frame. Derrik felt like an ogre, a monster and he wanted to punch everyone of his so called friends that stood at the sidelines laughing. Instead he punched the locker next to Nicole's head, she cowered from him. He was vary large compared to her, standing at six-three and the top of her head barley reaching the lower part of his chest. Not only was his height big but so was his body, built in peek physical condition. Working out every day, to drive the memories of his abusive father , did this for him.
"Then why were you staring at me Chunk? Do you want me?" he asked softly, cupping her face gently in his big palm. Nicole looked up at him, confusion clouding her eyes, tears welling up threatening to spill. It killed him, she had no idea of how she showed every emotion, vulnerability on her beautiful little face. Derrik hadn't noticed he was stroking her cheek with his thumb but when he did he riveted his head to look at the group. Like he expected the laughs had stopped and they looked at him in sheer confusion. Derrik winked at them, making them believe it was all a game, oh how he wished it was. Nicole’s eyes were closed now, he could feel her body subconsciously sway towards him. His body ached to kiss her as he cruelly smacked her books and papers to the floor.
" Sorry, I don't kiss fat whores" He forced away a pained look in his black eyes. His friends Peeled with laughter as Nicole stared up at him. The look she gave him, shocked and hurt him to his very core. It was not pain, fear or even anger but disappointment . He had disappointed the one and only person he actually gave a damn about since his Mom died eight years ago.
Nicole watched them walk away, hot tears now spilling down her face. Her ears deaf to the laughter directed at her in the hallway. All she could think about was how the person who had been in her dreams, thoughts and almost her own soul, had just crushed her completely. She didn’t feel her knees buckling from under her, nor did she feel the ground connect with the back of her head. For one shining moment Nicole was numb, blacked out. Students crowded around the girl, sprawled out on the floor, a thin trail of blood trickling from behind her, ironically the trail of it leading to a notebook with the words “Derrik and Nicole forever” scribbles across the front in black sharpie. The I’s in there names dotted with little hearts. None of them, save for one lone kid, attempted to help her. They just stared on as the thin frail boy with overtly large glasses and awkward looks struggled to pick her up, calling at the top of his lungs for adult help. It was that moment that Nicole started to awake, the sorrow and pain slowly pumping back into her veins. A groan escaped her lips as she fought wakefulness, she didn’t want to be back. She let an eye drift slightly open, only to see a huge crowed around her, some smirking, some pitying. Mortification was one more trouble to add to her currently growing list.
“Are you awake?” The frail boy squeaked out, puberty, did funny things. Nicole bit down on her lip as she looked up at him in the half sitting position he had accomplished in getting her into.
“Get me out of here, please” she whispered in panicked begging tones. She didn’t know this odd looking boy, or why he was helping her but all that mattered to her was that she get out of sight of these on looking eyes, full of judgment. That she be in a place, alone, where she could just curl up in a ball and cry, scream and shed her despair until all that was left was an empty void. The boy, Jeremy was his name, looked helplessly down upon the shattered girl torn between helping her, or going to class, he had never, ever skipped. This could just very well put a permanent mark on his record, his obsessively clear record. That selfish thought caused his face to burn a bright red, how could he think such an unkind thing when this girl was so distraught, anguish written on her face as clearly words are written in a book. Nodding to her Jeremy started to pull on her shoulders, it was a struggle because Nicole was still very weak not to mention heavy. After a few moments of stumbling he finally had her stable, her arms around his neck, his around her waist. It was in that moment, her skin rubbing against his sensitive nape, that something inside him stirred and made a slow flip-flop. Not that something inside was the only thing stirring. Jeremy hoped to God no one looked down at his pants as he limped under Nicole’s weight, heading towards the doors that lead outside and into the parking lot. This was as much physical contact that he’d ever had with a woman, and he was ashamed that his body was reacting this way to Nicole, when she was so vulnerable. He wasn’t ashamed at the odd flutter in his chest though, surprised perhaps because he hardly knew the girl. He in fact didn’t even know her name but the sorrow in her eyes, the quiver her bottom lip danced pulled on his heart strings. Possibly it was because the torment she was displaying mirrored the despair he harbored in his soul. He knew what it was to be picked on, day after day, knew what it was to long for something it that could catch your breath away with the sheer want of it. Sweat streamed into his eyes, fogging his glasses, as they reached the doors and opened them. The sunlight streamed in, a bust of light so alien, out of place, in the dank oppressive hallways of the high school.
Nicole sat on her bed in silence, quiet tears flowing down her otherwise emotionless face. Jeremy had drove her home after a tiring endeavor to his car from the high school. He had wanted to stay, to watch over Nicole, lend her a solid shoulder despite it’s scrawny appearance but he did not know how to ask or what to say. So he sat, and watched her walk up the steps, neck drooped and head hanging. She had parents, he figured, to take care of her. Little did he know one could hardly call them parents, more like reproductive vessels whom should have never reproduced. They were far to selfish and self absorbed to correctly raise or even love a child. Not to say that she was abused or really neglected, she always had new cloths and the latest of gadgets. The cook saw that she was fed, the maid that her clothes and room clean. But who saw to it when there little girl was up in her room miserable everyday from the constant taunts of the other kids, who saw to the girl crying out silently as she wrote her presumably last note to this world. No one. No one was there as the distraught girl filled herself with exactly to many pills.
Jeremy sat at his desk, pen hovering over his paper, mourning the loss of the girl he just met, the first girl he ever loved. They would pay, he thought as he started writing out a note. Such intense anger and anguish was a new to him, he had felt it’s tame cousins before but these strong raw emotions tore at his gut, and ate at his mind causing the pen to scribble over the paper in furious abandon. So violent was the purging of grief that Jeremy actually tore many sheets of paper with the pen before finally finishing it and signing it at the bottom with the name of “Nicole Leeann Namor”
Derrick sat at his desk, his body relaxed as if bored and uncaring about the class or it’s teachings. His mind was in stark contradiction to his body, always working and learning hardly ever actually having the feeling of boredom. The straight A’s on his report card was a dead give away but no one seemed to notice besides the teachers and frankly Derrick liked it that way. Nicole had noticed, he thought, she had once corrected one of his papers and circled the A writing a huge smiley face next to it. Smiling at the memory, his eyes lazily traveled over to her empty chair, one that had been empty a week now. Worry gnawed at him, she hadn’t been back since that dreadful day. He had wanted to find a quiet place with her, and apologize and maybe even truly kiss her. He had to kiss her, she was now haunting his dreams, the little that he slept. In the midst of his musings a note flopped onto his desk, startling him. Picking it up, he opened it and by the hand writing he knew it was written by Mark. Derrick became deathly ill as he read the words scribbled across the note “Did ya hear? Chunk did herself in. Pathetic little whore isn’t she?” even in the rumor of her death Mark was harassing her. Derrick refused to believe it and this time Mark had gone to far. He jumped up from his desk, knocking it the floor. In three angry strides he was hovering over Mark, who only smirked at him, thinking it a joke. His smirk faded quickly as Derrick grabbed him by his shirt collar and hoisted him up, high enough that his feet dangled in the air. Fear was matted on his face, Derrick was much bigger and stronger than him, this much he knew from seeing him in the locker room and he also knew about Derricks secret liking of Nicole. He could tell by the way he looked at her when he thought no one was paying attention, and the way he winched whenever one of them made fun of her. Yes, he knew and it was why he wrote the note, the ever present sick perverted side of him wanted to cause Derrick pain, it wanted to cause anyone pain. He now regretted it, and like all the other things, he knew it was why Derrick was shaking him, fending off the teachers, and staring him down with a murderous glint in his eye.
“Heh..hey du..ude what are you doing? Is..is it the note? It’s true man, they found er’ O.D. that kid Jeremy is telling everyone. Said that he went to check on her and her parents let him in and told em’ everything.” Mark took a breath, a quick one so he could finish explaining, in hopes to stop the fist raised in the air from crashing down on his face
“Let him up in the room since he was a friend, said he could take somethin to remember er’ by. So he was lookin around and decided to flip through her diary to maybe see if she said why she was doin it ya’know? Well he found a note, a suicide note. I didn’t make it up man!” his last words were desperate because despite his tale, as true as it was, Derricks eyes only grew more murderous, his fist clenched even tighter. Not that he didn’t believe him, he did now, the story some how rang true from Marks lips, but the want to smash marks face in was not going away and at the moment Derrick rode on the anger, it dulled the guilt, pain and shame. It took four teachers to pull Derrick off of a bloodied unconscious Mark, and it took seventeen stitches to mend Derricks knuckles. It would take more than teachers and doctors to heal Derricks soul.
Chapter one
It was April 25th the eve of her near death, blotched suicide attempt. She lay in bed, A smile curved her lips, she was comfortable enough now to survive the day with humor. Though the smile may have been a bit forced and the humor a little hallow. It had taken her five years to reach even this fake jollity, five years of therapy one or two stints at a mental institution, and many nights of soul searching. Due to all the work and the help of others Nicole was confident, self assured and happy. Except on this day, because it made her think back, and to remember, relive and re-endure the pain. It always took two weeks with her therapist to undue the damage this day caused every year. Unwanted thoughts of Derrick filtered through her mind, the color of his eyes, shape of his lips, and the smell of him, she had only once got to smell him, moments before he slapped away her books, when she thought he would kiss her, and still she could smell him all these years later. He had hurt her, hurt her bad but her break down, she now knew, could not be solely blamed on Derrick. Some had to do with a natural imbalance in her head, most was caused by un-nurturing parents. Had a cut? Let Sarah the maid see to it. Almost commit suicide because of a broken confused heart? Move away so you don’t have to face the embarrassment of a mentally unstable child, and send her off to some shrinks. It had been like that her entire life, no hugs or kisses. Only cool words and the merest of glances. She was but a broken bauble in there life. Nicole shook her head, this was what Sophia, her therapist, called dwelling. It was one thing to find the source of a problem, she had said, and another completely different to dwell. Suddenly her cell phone started to ring in Fur Elise, laughter bubbled in the back of her throat,
“Well speak of the devil” she murmured before answering.
“Well, Hello Doc. Aren’t you supposed to be out on a date?” it was a long going joke for Nicole to ask that of the ever single divorced Sophia. To Nicole, Sophia was more than a therapist, she was a dear friend, one who had helped her become who she was today.
“Oh, you know it. I am beating the tall, dark and handsome off with a stick. A very short, and very weak stick.” they shared a moment of laughter before Sophia’s voice filled Nicole’s ear once more.
“How’re you doing, huh? Any neg…” Nicole didn’t let her finish, her voice was firm and uncompromising, “Sophia, it’s your day off. I don’t want to hear another thing about me, and my past today that’s what Monday is for.” she started to interrupt
“No, I don’t want to hear it Sophia, I will never be able to overcome this if you hold my hand. I have to learn to survive. You told me that at the start, three years ago when you rescued me from Maloney Springs Mental rehabilitation, and the dredges of Anorexia.” The line went silent, and Nicole wondered if she hung up after such a speech
“I know.” Sophia said meekly .
“The therapist in me says the exact same thing but the friend in me is worried. Last year was the worst of it, if you don’t remember you arrived on my door step drunker than anyone has a right to be.”
“Well Doc that is true, I sure did. Tequila is a cruel mistress. Listen, if I tell you I am going out with Jeremy would it make you feel better? He wont let me drink much, and well he’s always been a comfort since…well you know.” and this wasn’t a lie, she was going out with Jeremy, he’d begged her for weeks and finally won over her reluctance. He had always been there for her, sweet and caring. They had tried dating, but Nicole had ended it when he purposed, she just couldn’t feel for him as he felt for her. As hard as she tried and he had understood, but the sad wanting look in her very best friends eyes hurt Nicole and so she started to avoid seeing him despite the fact he had moved to Lansing Michigan just to live by her. He didn’t tell her that was the reason, didn’t have to. For some reason he loved her, through the years of her emotional turmoil and mess, to now, she didn’t understand it but accepted it knowing she was taking him for granted.
“Oh, well that’s…fabulous. Jeremy has always been good for you. He’s a very upstanding man. I don’t see how you said no.” Nicole detected a longing in Sophia’s voice, and smiled wickedly, Jeremy had picked Nicole up from her therapy on more then one occasion and Nicole had caught Sophia admiring Jeremy intently.
“You know, Sophia, you could tag along. Bat those honey brown eyes at Jeremy, maybe ask him on a date. He’s filled out nicely since high school, though you didn’t know him then.” She could hear Sophia’s intake of breath and imagined the blush creeping over her friends face. Nicole would bet a thousand dollars that Sophia was picturing the now tall, muscular, tanned Jeremy naked. He wore his hair longer now, in a blonde careless mess that most of the time poked into his light green eyes. He was very attractive now, due to finishing puberty, long hours at the gym and even longer hours in front of the mirror trying to achieve that careless look he sported. Sophia didn’t know him as the lanky, military hair cut, owl glasses kid that Nicole did, the one who was under the new super hunk, the one she cared about.
“Oh! Nicole! How could you even, he cannot even see his own two feet when he’s around you much else any other woman.” a whisper of a sigh was heard,
“Besides I actually do have a date tonight and his name is Stephen King, he’s an aspiring writer, don’t cha’ know.” from there the conversation floated on frivolous and Nicole was in much higher spirits when she hung up the phone. Today, she thought, is not going to be so bad. Nicole kept telling herself that as she rose and got into the shower and kept the mantra up until she happened to look up in the mirror. A startled scream left her lips as she looked at her reflection. There stood an overweight girl, mouth agape and full with metal, wild red curling hair braided to the sides, and terror filled blue eyes. Nicole picked up the radio blasting “Don’t worry be happy” at the mirror shattering it, and the horrid reflection with it. Sinking to the floor, despite the glass, Nicole laid and cried, until she fell asleep.
Jeremy found her there, still sleeping on her bathroom floor, surrounded by shards of glass. When she hadn’t answered her door he knew something was wrong and let himself in. Bending down, he gently scooped her up in his arms, she weighed hardly anything these days. He sat with her on the bed, holding her on his lap, he knew that she was a deep sleeper, knew that he could get away with brushing his fingers through her long hair. It was his soft kiss to her forehead that woke her.
“Mmm, Jeremy? Repeating the past are we? Me passing out, you saving me. Always, saving me.” her brows were furrowed, and her eyes troubled as she raised a hand to rest on his cheek .
“I don’t deserve it.” He wanted to lighten the mood, wanted to smear the worry and pity from her eyes. He only, as always since the day he met her, wanted to make her happy .
“Now, now Nicole. Don’t you fret about deserving me, I’m not much for arguing who is in deserving of whom when you’re buying me dinner.” while he spoke to her he was setting her upright, adjusting her towel and at the end slapping her in the rump .
“Speaking of I am starving. Get ready, would you.” He didn’t mention the scene he found her in, as she knew he wouldn’t and she didn’t go towards the bathroom, like he knew she wouldn’t.
“Turn around, Mr. Styles.” Nicole wagged a finger in front of his nose .
“No peeking.” He winked at her.
“Aw shucks Mrs. Namor it’s nothing I haven’t seen before. Remember that time we went to that nudist beach and we fell asleep, your fair skin got completely burnt and I had to…” a brush came sailing through the air, thawping him in the head.
“You’re just no fun anymore. I am going downstairs to make a pot of coffee and visit Ruby, least she Loves me.” Nicole rolled her eyes, it didn’t matter that it was near dinner time, the man was constantly drinking coffee. Downstairs Jeremy sat down at the table, waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. He laid his head in his hands, allowing himself this moment of weakness. Just looking at her, holding her was self torture and he wondered if he was some kind of masochist. He remembered the days when they had slept together, those few blissful weeks lasted until he stupidly purposed, a mistake he knew, even at the time he knew it was, but he had to ask. Now, those weeks haunted his dreams at night and his thoughts in the day. A wet snout against his elbow pulled him from his thoughts
“Hey Ruby, how’s my favorite girl doing?” the old bloodhound tilted her head slowly before lapping at Jeremy’s hand with her tongue.
“My, with all that tongue action going on a girl could get jealous. Off my date Ruby.” Nicole waltzed in, her voice light and airy and Jeremy knew it was false. His eyes traveled up and down her body as she bent to feed the dog. She wore a simple black cocktail dress, it clung like a second skin to her curves. Her hair was loose, and flowing down to the middle of her back, curling against the pale exposed skin. Nicole wore little makeup, he knew she wore it, but his untrained eye couldn’t see it.
“You look beautiful Nicole” the want was evident on in his voice, deepened slightly with lust. She heard it, ignored it and turned smiling at him .
“Thank you, Are you ready? I am afraid you wont have time to drink your coffee” His momentary laps was gone.
“There’s always time for Coffee. Got any travel mugs? With his mug liberally filled with black coffee the headed out. Nicole raised a brow as they pulled into El burrito.
“You know Jeremy you could have mentioned it was casual.” He only winked at her and got out and went around to open her door, he was always doing mischievous things. Little did she know he was doing it to boost her confidence, he knew all eyes would be on her. She looked fabulous. Of course Jeremy was right, as soon as they walked inside all of the attention was focused on her, some even let out a low whistle as she walked by. A deep blush covered her face as she swatted Jeremy’s shoulder .
“You’re a devil!” she hissed at him. He pulled out her chair
“Oh, you love it. Every guy in here wishes they were me.” Jeremy couldn’t resist it, he had to stake a claim on her in front of all these men, even if she wasn’t his. Swiping her hair out of the way he leaned down and kissed her shoulder, allowing his tongue to sneak out and taste her. He felt her shudder and smiled against her skin. She was physically attracted to him, and she was very passionate but he knew she could never give herself to him emotionally, and he knew that as attracted to his body that she was, she wouldn’t act on it. As Jeremy took his place across from her she wondered what he’d think, say, if she told him at the moment he had kissed her, Derrick flashed across her mind. She decided to tell him.
“Well, it could have to be with the today and it’s memories” he responded, she could hear his restrained anger.
“Forget I said anything, it’s just nonsense. You’re right.” She ordered a salad.
“Salad? Come on Nicole you can do better than that. Get a big sopping greasy burrito with extra cheese. Live a little.” laughing she decided to indulge him, and ordered the most unhealthy thing she could find on the menu.
“So Nicole, speaking of memories and such, our five year high school reunion is in a week. I am going, you should too” Her fork dropped onto her plate.
“Jeremy I don’t know how you could possibly think I would want to do such a thing.” His eyes took on a mischievous glint that had Nicole’s stomach dropping.
“Because it would be so much fun! Nicole it would shock them all, because…they all think you’re dead.” The water she had been drinking flew out of her mouth and splattered on Jeremy “Wh…what? Why on earth would they think that?” He shrugged and wiped the water from his face, a small smile on his face
“Well, after I heard what happened with your failed attempt at..you know, and that your parents packed up and moved the very next day, sending you off to Maloney Springs, I was angry. I thought you deserved some revenge, so I made…a fake suicide letter and spread the word that you…killed yourself.” Nicole stared at him for a full five minutes, she didn’t know whether to be angry, or to laugh or to feel grateful.
“And…you’re just now telling me? Jeremy how could you do..” she couldn’t act angry anymore, she burst out laughing.
“Oh, you’re such a dork! I cannot believe you did that and that everyone believed it.” she leaned forward and kissed his cheek between calming giggles.
“You’re such a sweet heart.” He cherished the kiss
“So you’ll go Nicole? Let’s give them the shock of there life.” She contemplated it, chewing slowly on a bite of burrito. Swallowing she nodded her head.
“Yes, Yes I think I will go. It could be healing. Plus, I couldn’t deny you the ultimate kick in the ass to them.”
Derrick sat at Anna Lucky Bar and grille, nursing his first beer of the night. Crystal, an attractively plump bartender watched him closely.
“I have orders from Anna, you’re not to have more then three drinks Derrick.” He grunted and looked at her hotly.
“I think I choose how much I drink Ma’am.” She ignored his anger .
“Not in this bar you don’t, and it’s the only one in town. All the liquor stores are closed down. I think your sister wins today.” Derrick grunted once more and went back into staring at his drink. It was the month, the week that everything had gone down with Nicole. Sweet Nicole, who still haunted his dreams. This was the time of year his drinking was at it’s worst, and his sister Anna knew it. She had tried to stop his self destructive path when it first started only a week after he had put Mark in the hospital. It started with a fifth of Jack Daniels and had been going strongly since.
“She did say I was to allow you two more if you gave her a promise” Crystals hip rested against the shelf of liquor her arms crossed over her ample chest.
“If it’s to take you out on a date, I am flattered but no, I’ll pass” It was Crystals turn to be angry as she strode towards him, poking him dead in the chest,
“Look here Derrick Lorski, you may think every woman is attracted to you but I am not one of them. She wanted you to promise to go to your five year high school reunion. She thinks it’ll do you good.” Crystal didn’t mention the part where he was supposed to take her as a date. His bellow of laughter startled her, it was bitter, and she was shocked when he grabbed hold of her finger.
“ Don’t act like you aren’t interested Crystal O‘Neal” he said her full name, like she said his, to mock her.
“ I see you lookin’ at me and it has nothing to do with what Anna asked you to do, because I can see the look in your eyes. You think I don’t know that look?” He reached his other hand out to trail it along the side of her cheek .
“I know that look all to well, and you’d do best to not have it” he released her, and by the far away look she knew he was thinking of Nicole. Everyone knew, Nicole was the ghost that haunted him and drove him to the bottle. Drove him to quit football. Granted he did run a successful business one no one expected from him. He carved beautiful sculptures and furniture from wood, he had named his shop Nicotianas desire. He had said it was one good thing he’d do in Nicole’s memory. There he worked sober, and it was there he was at peace, carving away the twisted gnarled bark of wood to create something beautiful. No one knew of his secret sculpture, the one he was most passionate about and constantly working on, his interpretation of Nicole, the seconds before he crushed her, when she had looked so hopeful and surprised. He leaned back in the bar stool, picturing it in his mind, the red oak slowly transforming into tortured exquisiteness. Crystal saw the exact moment that he was most vulnerable, the sad smile, sagging shoulders. She guiltily pounced on it. “You know, I heard Mark is going to be there.” Derrick perked up instantly alert, though he tried to have an outward look of indifference. “Is that so?” She turned from him, remembering, a moment to late, about her other customers, they looked a little agitated. “Yes, he’ll be going. Jeremy will be there as well, and I hear through the grapevine he’s bringing some mystery guest.” Crystal walked away as she spoke, heading to the man farthest away, hoping she’d gotten the message through to Derrick. Few people knew that he strove to make Mark uncomfortable, by being in the same area as him, and giving death glares. It was petty, but Derrick thrived on the chance at fighting him, which had happened many times since the incident. Derrick always won, but the victory was forever hollow, yet he continued the vindictive crusade, a never ending quest for justice.
Derrick sat there in that stool for a long time, contemplating if he should go or not. Eventually, his thoughts turned to memories, as they often did. Memories of when he was a child, playing with the cutest little red-head there was. He remembered how(….Block)
Nicole Looked over at Derrik Lorski, an audible sigh escaping her lips. He was the perfect man, in her mind, a God and just as untouchable. She had not noticed the dreamy look that fell onto her face nor the longing that showed itself in her pale blue eyes. Derrik noticed though, he felt the eyes on him, felt the need burning into his back. Turning around he saw Chunk, what his friends and well just about everyone called Nicole, staring directly at him. She was never unattractive to him, in all actually he thought her pretty with her long curly fire red hair, and innocent blue deer like eyes. But he could never let the guys know this, he would never hear the end of it. They teased her because she was overweight, had braces and stuttered when nervous. Then Derrik noticed Mark, the main tormentor looking at him a leer on his face. He was waiting for Derrik to torment her. He hated doing it, knowing she liked him but he had to or else forget about his popularity and spot as captain of the football team. Throwing on his varsity Jacket he walked over her ,
" You got a problem, eh, Chunk?" The pain was evident on her face, he had never made direct fun of her like the others and she had thought he was different.
" Nuuh...Nuh..o" her small child like voice quivered as did her slight frame. Derrik felt like an ogre, a monster and he wanted to punch everyone of his so called friends that stood at the sidelines laughing. Instead he punched the locker next to Nicole's head, she cowered from him. He was vary large compared to her, standing at six-three and the top of her head barley reaching the lower part of his chest. Not only was his height big but so was his body, built in peek physical condition. Working out every day, to drive the memories of his abusive father , did this for him.
"Then why were you staring at me Chunk? Do you want me?" he asked softly, cupping her face gently in his big palm. Nicole looked up at him, confusion clouding her eyes, tears welling up threatening to spill. It killed him, she had no idea of how she showed every emotion, vulnerability on her beautiful little face. Derrik hadn't noticed he was stroking her cheek with his thumb but when he did he riveted his head to look at the group. Like he expected the laughs had stopped and they looked at him in sheer confusion. Derrik winked at them, making them believe it was all a game, oh how he wished it was. Nicole’s eyes were closed now, he could feel her body subconsciously sway towards him. His body ached to kiss her as he cruelly smacked her books and papers to the floor.
" Sorry, I don't kiss fat whores" He forced away a pained look in his black eyes. His friends Peeled with laughter as Nicole stared up at him. The look she gave him, shocked and hurt him to his very core. It was not pain, fear or even anger but disappointment . He had disappointed the one and only person he actually gave a damn about since his Mom died eight years ago.
Nicole watched them walk away, hot tears now spilling down her face. Her ears deaf to the laughter directed at her in the hallway. All she could think about was how the person who had been in her dreams, thoughts and almost her own soul, had just crushed her completely. She didn’t feel her knees buckling from under her, nor did she feel the ground connect with the back of her head. For one shining moment Nicole was numb, blacked out. Students crowded around the girl, sprawled out on the floor, a thin trail of blood trickling from behind her, ironically the trail of it leading to a notebook with the words “Derrik and Nicole forever” scribbles across the front in black sharpie. The I’s in there names dotted with little hearts. None of them, save for one lone kid, attempted to help her. They just stared on as the thin frail boy with overtly large glasses and awkward looks struggled to pick her up, calling at the top of his lungs for adult help. It was that moment that Nicole started to awake, the sorrow and pain slowly pumping back into her veins. A groan escaped her lips as she fought wakefulness, she didn’t want to be back. She let an eye drift slightly open, only to see a huge crowed around her, some smirking, some pitying. Mortification was one more trouble to add to her currently growing list.
“Are you awake?” The frail boy squeaked out, puberty, did funny things. Nicole bit down on her lip as she looked up at him in the half sitting position he had accomplished in getting her into.
“Get me out of here, please” she whispered in panicked begging tones. She didn’t know this odd looking boy, or why he was helping her but all that mattered to her was that she get out of sight of these on looking eyes, full of judgment. That she be in a place, alone, where she could just curl up in a ball and cry, scream and shed her despair until all that was left was an empty void. The boy, Jeremy was his name, looked helplessly down upon the shattered girl torn between helping her, or going to class, he had never, ever skipped. This could just very well put a permanent mark on his record, his obsessively clear record. That selfish thought caused his face to burn a bright red, how could he think such an unkind thing when this girl was so distraught, anguish written on her face as clearly words are written in a book. Nodding to her Jeremy started to pull on her shoulders, it was a struggle because Nicole was still very weak not to mention heavy. After a few moments of stumbling he finally had her stable, her arms around his neck, his around her waist. It was in that moment, her skin rubbing against his sensitive nape, that something inside him stirred and made a slow flip-flop. Not that something inside was the only thing stirring. Jeremy hoped to God no one looked down at his pants as he limped under Nicole’s weight, heading towards the doors that lead outside and into the parking lot. This was as much physical contact that he’d ever had with a woman, and he was ashamed that his body was reacting this way to Nicole, when she was so vulnerable. He wasn’t ashamed at the odd flutter in his chest though, surprised perhaps because he hardly knew the girl. He in fact didn’t even know her name but the sorrow in her eyes, the quiver her bottom lip danced pulled on his heart strings. Possibly it was because the torment she was displaying mirrored the despair he harbored in his soul. He knew what it was to be picked on, day after day, knew what it was to long for something it that could catch your breath away with the sheer want of it. Sweat streamed into his eyes, fogging his glasses, as they reached the doors and opened them. The sunlight streamed in, a bust of light so alien, out of place, in the dank oppressive hallways of the high school.
Nicole sat on her bed in silence, quiet tears flowing down her otherwise emotionless face. Jeremy had drove her home after a tiring endeavor to his car from the high school. He had wanted to stay, to watch over Nicole, lend her a solid shoulder despite it’s scrawny appearance but he did not know how to ask or what to say. So he sat, and watched her walk up the steps, neck drooped and head hanging. She had parents, he figured, to take care of her. Little did he know one could hardly call them parents, more like reproductive vessels whom should have never reproduced. They were far to selfish and self absorbed to correctly raise or even love a child. Not to say that she was abused or really neglected, she always had new cloths and the latest of gadgets. The cook saw that she was fed, the maid that her clothes and room clean. But who saw to it when there little girl was up in her room miserable everyday from the constant taunts of the other kids, who saw to the girl crying out silently as she wrote her presumably last note to this world. No one. No one was there as the distraught girl filled herself with exactly to many pills.
Jeremy sat at his desk, pen hovering over his paper, mourning the loss of the girl he just met, the first girl he ever loved. They would pay, he thought as he started writing out a note. Such intense anger and anguish was a new to him, he had felt it’s tame cousins before but these strong raw emotions tore at his gut, and ate at his mind causing the pen to scribble over the paper in furious abandon. So violent was the purging of grief that Jeremy actually tore many sheets of paper with the pen before finally finishing it and signing it at the bottom with the name of “Nicole Leeann Namor”
Derrick sat at his desk, his body relaxed as if bored and uncaring about the class or it’s teachings. His mind was in stark contradiction to his body, always working and learning hardly ever actually having the feeling of boredom. The straight A’s on his report card was a dead give away but no one seemed to notice besides the teachers and frankly Derrick liked it that way. Nicole had noticed, he thought, she had once corrected one of his papers and circled the A writing a huge smiley face next to it. Smiling at the memory, his eyes lazily traveled over to her empty chair, one that had been empty a week now. Worry gnawed at him, she hadn’t been back since that dreadful day. He had wanted to find a quiet place with her, and apologize and maybe even truly kiss her. He had to kiss her, she was now haunting his dreams, the little that he slept. In the midst of his musings a note flopped onto his desk, startling him. Picking it up, he opened it and by the hand writing he knew it was written by Mark. Derrick became deathly ill as he read the words scribbled across the note “Did ya hear? Chunk did herself in. Pathetic little whore isn’t she?” even in the rumor of her death Mark was harassing her. Derrick refused to believe it and this time Mark had gone to far. He jumped up from his desk, knocking it the floor. In three angry strides he was hovering over Mark, who only smirked at him, thinking it a joke. His smirk faded quickly as Derrick grabbed him by his shirt collar and hoisted him up, high enough that his feet dangled in the air. Fear was matted on his face, Derrick was much bigger and stronger than him, this much he knew from seeing him in the locker room and he also knew about Derricks secret liking of Nicole. He could tell by the way he looked at her when he thought no one was paying attention, and the way he winched whenever one of them made fun of her. Yes, he knew and it was why he wrote the note, the ever present sick perverted side of him wanted to cause Derrick pain, it wanted to cause anyone pain. He now regretted it, and like all the other things, he knew it was why Derrick was shaking him, fending off the teachers, and staring him down with a murderous glint in his eye.
“Heh..hey du..ude what are you doing? Is..is it the note? It’s true man, they found er’ O.D. that kid Jeremy is telling everyone. Said that he went to check on her and her parents let him in and told em’ everything.” Mark took a breath, a quick one so he could finish explaining, in hopes to stop the fist raised in the air from crashing down on his face
“Let him up in the room since he was a friend, said he could take somethin to remember er’ by. So he was lookin around and decided to flip through her diary to maybe see if she said why she was doin it ya’know? Well he found a note, a suicide note. I didn’t make it up man!” his last words were desperate because despite his tale, as true as it was, Derricks eyes only grew more murderous, his fist clenched even tighter. Not that he didn’t believe him, he did now, the story some how rang true from Marks lips, but the want to smash marks face in was not going away and at the moment Derrick rode on the anger, it dulled the guilt, pain and shame. It took four teachers to pull Derrick off of a bloodied unconscious Mark, and it took seventeen stitches to mend Derricks knuckles. It would take more than teachers and doctors to heal Derricks soul.
Chapter one
It was April 25th the eve of her near death, blotched suicide attempt. She lay in bed, A smile curved her lips, she was comfortable enough now to survive the day with humor. Though the smile may have been a bit forced and the humor a little hallow. It had taken her five years to reach even this fake jollity, five years of therapy one or two stints at a mental institution, and many nights of soul searching. Due to all the work and the help of others Nicole was confident, self assured and happy. Except on this day, because it made her think back, and to remember, relive and re-endure the pain. It always took two weeks with her therapist to undue the damage this day caused every year. Unwanted thoughts of Derrick filtered through her mind, the color of his eyes, shape of his lips, and the smell of him, she had only once got to smell him, moments before he slapped away her books, when she thought he would kiss her, and still she could smell him all these years later. He had hurt her, hurt her bad but her break down, she now knew, could not be solely blamed on Derrick. Some had to do with a natural imbalance in her head, most was caused by un-nurturing parents. Had a cut? Let Sarah the maid see to it. Almost commit suicide because of a broken confused heart? Move away so you don’t have to face the embarrassment of a mentally unstable child, and send her off to some shrinks. It had been like that her entire life, no hugs or kisses. Only cool words and the merest of glances. She was but a broken bauble in there life. Nicole shook her head, this was what Sophia, her therapist, called dwelling. It was one thing to find the source of a problem, she had said, and another completely different to dwell. Suddenly her cell phone started to ring in Fur Elise, laughter bubbled in the back of her throat,
“Well speak of the devil” she murmured before answering.
“Well, Hello Doc. Aren’t you supposed to be out on a date?” it was a long going joke for Nicole to ask that of the ever single divorced Sophia. To Nicole, Sophia was more than a therapist, she was a dear friend, one who had helped her become who she was today.
“Oh, you know it. I am beating the tall, dark and handsome off with a stick. A very short, and very weak stick.” they shared a moment of laughter before Sophia’s voice filled Nicole’s ear once more.
“How’re you doing, huh? Any neg…” Nicole didn’t let her finish, her voice was firm and uncompromising, “Sophia, it’s your day off. I don’t want to hear another thing about me, and my past today that’s what Monday is for.” she started to interrupt
“No, I don’t want to hear it Sophia, I will never be able to overcome this if you hold my hand. I have to learn to survive. You told me that at the start, three years ago when you rescued me from Maloney Springs Mental rehabilitation, and the dredges of Anorexia.” The line went silent, and Nicole wondered if she hung up after such a speech
“I know.” Sophia said meekly .
“The therapist in me says the exact same thing but the friend in me is worried. Last year was the worst of it, if you don’t remember you arrived on my door step drunker than anyone has a right to be.”
“Well Doc that is true, I sure did. Tequila is a cruel mistress. Listen, if I tell you I am going out with Jeremy would it make you feel better? He wont let me drink much, and well he’s always been a comfort since…well you know.” and this wasn’t a lie, she was going out with Jeremy, he’d begged her for weeks and finally won over her reluctance. He had always been there for her, sweet and caring. They had tried dating, but Nicole had ended it when he purposed, she just couldn’t feel for him as he felt for her. As hard as she tried and he had understood, but the sad wanting look in her very best friends eyes hurt Nicole and so she started to avoid seeing him despite the fact he had moved to Lansing Michigan just to live by her. He didn’t tell her that was the reason, didn’t have to. For some reason he loved her, through the years of her emotional turmoil and mess, to now, she didn’t understand it but accepted it knowing she was taking him for granted.
“Oh, well that’s…fabulous. Jeremy has always been good for you. He’s a very upstanding man. I don’t see how you said no.” Nicole detected a longing in Sophia’s voice, and smiled wickedly, Jeremy had picked Nicole up from her therapy on more then one occasion and Nicole had caught Sophia admiring Jeremy intently.
“You know, Sophia, you could tag along. Bat those honey brown eyes at Jeremy, maybe ask him on a date. He’s filled out nicely since high school, though you didn’t know him then.” She could hear Sophia’s intake of breath and imagined the blush creeping over her friends face. Nicole would bet a thousand dollars that Sophia was picturing the now tall, muscular, tanned Jeremy naked. He wore his hair longer now, in a blonde careless mess that most of the time poked into his light green eyes. He was very attractive now, due to finishing puberty, long hours at the gym and even longer hours in front of the mirror trying to achieve that careless look he sported. Sophia didn’t know him as the lanky, military hair cut, owl glasses kid that Nicole did, the one who was under the new super hunk, the one she cared about.
“Oh! Nicole! How could you even, he cannot even see his own two feet when he’s around you much else any other woman.” a whisper of a sigh was heard,
“Besides I actually do have a date tonight and his name is Stephen King, he’s an aspiring writer, don’t cha’ know.” from there the conversation floated on frivolous and Nicole was in much higher spirits when she hung up the phone. Today, she thought, is not going to be so bad. Nicole kept telling herself that as she rose and got into the shower and kept the mantra up until she happened to look up in the mirror. A startled scream left her lips as she looked at her reflection. There stood an overweight girl, mouth agape and full with metal, wild red curling hair braided to the sides, and terror filled blue eyes. Nicole picked up the radio blasting “Don’t worry be happy” at the mirror shattering it, and the horrid reflection with it. Sinking to the floor, despite the glass, Nicole laid and cried, until she fell asleep.
Jeremy found her there, still sleeping on her bathroom floor, surrounded by shards of glass. When she hadn’t answered her door he knew something was wrong and let himself in. Bending down, he gently scooped her up in his arms, she weighed hardly anything these days. He sat with her on the bed, holding her on his lap, he knew that she was a deep sleeper, knew that he could get away with brushing his fingers through her long hair. It was his soft kiss to her forehead that woke her.
“Mmm, Jeremy? Repeating the past are we? Me passing out, you saving me. Always, saving me.” her brows were furrowed, and her eyes troubled as she raised a hand to rest on his cheek .
“I don’t deserve it.” He wanted to lighten the mood, wanted to smear the worry and pity from her eyes. He only, as always since the day he met her, wanted to make her happy .
“Now, now Nicole. Don’t you fret about deserving me, I’m not much for arguing who is in deserving of whom when you’re buying me dinner.” while he spoke to her he was setting her upright, adjusting her towel and at the end slapping her in the rump .
“Speaking of I am starving. Get ready, would you.” He didn’t mention the scene he found her in, as she knew he wouldn’t and she didn’t go towards the bathroom, like he knew she wouldn’t.
“Turn around, Mr. Styles.” Nicole wagged a finger in front of his nose .
“No peeking.” He winked at her.
“Aw shucks Mrs. Namor it’s nothing I haven’t seen before. Remember that time we went to that nudist beach and we fell asleep, your fair skin got completely burnt and I had to…” a brush came sailing through the air, thawping him in the head.
“You’re just no fun anymore. I am going downstairs to make a pot of coffee and visit Ruby, least she Loves me.” Nicole rolled her eyes, it didn’t matter that it was near dinner time, the man was constantly drinking coffee. Downstairs Jeremy sat down at the table, waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. He laid his head in his hands, allowing himself this moment of weakness. Just looking at her, holding her was self torture and he wondered if he was some kind of masochist. He remembered the days when they had slept together, those few blissful weeks lasted until he stupidly purposed, a mistake he knew, even at the time he knew it was, but he had to ask. Now, those weeks haunted his dreams at night and his thoughts in the day. A wet snout against his elbow pulled him from his thoughts
“Hey Ruby, how’s my favorite girl doing?” the old bloodhound tilted her head slowly before lapping at Jeremy’s hand with her tongue.
“My, with all that tongue action going on a girl could get jealous. Off my date Ruby.” Nicole waltzed in, her voice light and airy and Jeremy knew it was false. His eyes traveled up and down her body as she bent to feed the dog. She wore a simple black cocktail dress, it clung like a second skin to her curves. Her hair was loose, and flowing down to the middle of her back, curling against the pale exposed skin. Nicole wore little makeup, he knew she wore it, but his untrained eye couldn’t see it.
“You look beautiful Nicole” the want was evident on in his voice, deepened slightly with lust. She heard it, ignored it and turned smiling at him .
“Thank you, Are you ready? I am afraid you wont have time to drink your coffee” His momentary laps was gone.
“There’s always time for Coffee. Got any travel mugs? With his mug liberally filled with black coffee the headed out. Nicole raised a brow as they pulled into El burrito.
“You know Jeremy you could have mentioned it was casual.” He only winked at her and got out and went around to open her door, he was always doing mischievous things. Little did she know he was doing it to boost her confidence, he knew all eyes would be on her. She looked fabulous. Of course Jeremy was right, as soon as they walked inside all of the attention was focused on her, some even let out a low whistle as she walked by. A deep blush covered her face as she swatted Jeremy’s shoulder .
“You’re a devil!” she hissed at him. He pulled out her chair
“Oh, you love it. Every guy in here wishes they were me.” Jeremy couldn’t resist it, he had to stake a claim on her in front of all these men, even if she wasn’t his. Swiping her hair out of the way he leaned down and kissed her shoulder, allowing his tongue to sneak out and taste her. He felt her shudder and smiled against her skin. She was physically attracted to him, and she was very passionate but he knew she could never give herself to him emotionally, and he knew that as attracted to his body that she was, she wouldn’t act on it. As Jeremy took his place across from her she wondered what he’d think, say, if she told him at the moment he had kissed her, Derrick flashed across her mind. She decided to tell him.
“Well, it could have to be with the today and it’s memories” he responded, she could hear his restrained anger.
“Forget I said anything, it’s just nonsense. You’re right.” She ordered a salad.
“Salad? Come on Nicole you can do better than that. Get a big sopping greasy burrito with extra cheese. Live a little.” laughing she decided to indulge him, and ordered the most unhealthy thing she could find on the menu.
“So Nicole, speaking of memories and such, our five year high school reunion is in a week. I am going, you should too” Her fork dropped onto her plate.
“Jeremy I don’t know how you could possibly think I would want to do such a thing.” His eyes took on a mischievous glint that had Nicole’s stomach dropping.
“Because it would be so much fun! Nicole it would shock them all, because…they all think you’re dead.” The water she had been drinking flew out of her mouth and splattered on Jeremy “Wh…what? Why on earth would they think that?” He shrugged and wiped the water from his face, a small smile on his face
“Well, after I heard what happened with your failed attempt at..you know, and that your parents packed up and moved the very next day, sending you off to Maloney Springs, I was angry. I thought you deserved some revenge, so I made…a fake suicide letter and spread the word that you…killed yourself.” Nicole stared at him for a full five minutes, she didn’t know whether to be angry, or to laugh or to feel grateful.
“And…you’re just now telling me? Jeremy how could you do..” she couldn’t act angry anymore, she burst out laughing.
“Oh, you’re such a dork! I cannot believe you did that and that everyone believed it.” she leaned forward and kissed his cheek between calming giggles.
“You’re such a sweet heart.” He cherished the kiss
“So you’ll go Nicole? Let’s give them the shock of there life.” She contemplated it, chewing slowly on a bite of burrito. Swallowing she nodded her head.
“Yes, Yes I think I will go. It could be healing. Plus, I couldn’t deny you the ultimate kick in the ass to them.”
Derrick sat at Anna Lucky Bar and grille, nursing his first beer of the night. Crystal, an attractively plump bartender watched him closely.
“I have orders from Anna, you’re not to have more then three drinks Derrick.” He grunted and looked at her hotly.
“I think I choose how much I drink Ma’am.” She ignored his anger .
“Not in this bar you don’t, and it’s the only one in town. All the liquor stores are closed down. I think your sister wins today.” Derrick grunted once more and went back into staring at his drink. It was the month, the week that everything had gone down with Nicole. Sweet Nicole, who still haunted his dreams. This was the time of year his drinking was at it’s worst, and his sister Anna knew it. She had tried to stop his self destructive path when it first started only a week after he had put Mark in the hospital. It started with a fifth of Jack Daniels and had been going strongly since.
“She did say I was to allow you two more if you gave her a promise” Crystals hip rested against the shelf of liquor her arms crossed over her ample chest.
“If it’s to take you out on a date, I am flattered but no, I’ll pass” It was Crystals turn to be angry as she strode towards him, poking him dead in the chest,
“Look here Derrick Lorski, you may think every woman is attracted to you but I am not one of them. She wanted you to promise to go to your five year high school reunion. She thinks it’ll do you good.” Crystal didn’t mention the part where he was supposed to take her as a date. His bellow of laughter startled her, it was bitter, and she was shocked when he grabbed hold of her finger.
“ Don’t act like you aren’t interested Crystal O‘Neal” he said her full name, like she said his, to mock her.
“ I see you lookin’ at me and it has nothing to do with what Anna asked you to do, because I can see the look in your eyes. You think I don’t know that look?” He reached his other hand out to trail it along the side of her cheek .
“I know that look all to well, and you’d do best to not have it” he released her, and by the far away look she knew he was thinking of Nicole. Everyone knew, Nicole was the ghost that haunted him and drove him to the bottle. Drove him to quit football. Granted he did run a successful business one no one expected from him. He carved beautiful sculptures and furniture from wood, he had named his shop Nicotianas desire. He had said it was one good thing he’d do in Nicole’s memory. There he worked sober, and it was there he was at peace, carving away the twisted gnarled bark of wood to create something beautiful. No one knew of his secret sculpture, the one he was most passionate about and constantly working on, his interpretation of Nicole, the seconds before he crushed her, when she had looked so hopeful and surprised. He leaned back in the bar stool, picturing it in his mind, the red oak slowly transforming into tortured exquisiteness. Crystal saw the exact moment that he was most vulnerable, the sad smile, sagging shoulders. She guiltily pounced on it. “You know, I heard Mark is going to be there.” Derrick perked up instantly alert, though he tried to have an outward look of indifference. “Is that so?” She turned from him, remembering, a moment to late, about her other customers, they looked a little agitated. “Yes, he’ll be going. Jeremy will be there as well, and I hear through the grapevine he’s bringing some mystery guest.” Crystal walked away as she spoke, heading to the man farthest away, hoping she’d gotten the message through to Derrick. Few people knew that he strove to make Mark uncomfortable, by being in the same area as him, and giving death glares. It was petty, but Derrick thrived on the chance at fighting him, which had happened many times since the incident. Derrick always won, but the victory was forever hollow, yet he continued the vindictive crusade, a never ending quest for justice.
Derrick sat there in that stool for a long time, contemplating if he should go or not. Eventually, his thoughts turned to memories, as they often did. Memories of when he was a child, playing with the cutest little red-head there was. He remembered how(….Block)