as loud as lions (1/3). harry/louis, pg-13.

[likecharity]

Title: as loud as lions
Author: likecharity
Pairing: Harry/Louis
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: References to homophobia and gay slurs
Summary: Every few seconds there's a blinding camera flash, and it's overwhelming even for Harry so he can't imagine how Louis feels. All he can do is hold his hand, tight, like they've never been allowed to in public

Comments

[tearpath]

I hope it's the right place to post this comment, because oh, everything is so well-placed and perfect, so as the fanmix which I just checked cause I couldn't do it last night because of the ridiculously weak wifi connection and even the freaking battery started dying and it was like everything is against me and no don't read it, because it will tear you apart BUT I STRUGGLED AND READ IT. Huh okay.

It was far beyond my expectations which is crazy, cause I obviously expected something huge and honest and beautiful, but... oh god. I thought I would cry on it and the next week I would haunt the house with a little, disbelieving smile on my face; puffy, moony eyes and all the feelings. Lol NO.
It was like a flood, it went through me, grabbed my heart and poured into my stomach like acid. I felt like throwing up through part one and two, just imagining Louis' nervousness and the coming out itself. It was scary when Harry said those lines, which I never thought it would be. And then the crowd outside, I felt so terribly frightened, which is so sad because I know it's fiction, but it didn't really matter. It still doesn't. I guess it was Liam starting collecting their laptops and phones which pulled me out of this numb shock; their protectiveness made my heart clench and feel again. And then... oh my god, if there weren't their names written from time to time, I would definitely think they wrote it. Because every little fight and even the silence between them made me feel even worse, knowing that would be actually something like that, especially Louis. Harry, though... Harry surprised me and made me feel somewhat proud, being so young and standing up for both of them, I wanted to hug them so fucking much. And yet he was not out of character for a single moment, because we all saw how suffering it was to him. And this fic is full of should-have-been-s, most of them is how should've I reacted, but you made me surprise myself all the time. I should have hated Louis for acting like this and I just couldn't, I should have hated Harry for outing them and I didn't.

And at that point I thought nothing could be possibly worse than this, and then came trying to live with this and I felt like screaming. No, they are not ready, not really, something must change, and with Harry being a part of those equality programmes and stuff, it felt SO WRONG. Just... not yet, please. And they obviously couldn't cope with this and they kept fighting with the world and eachother and I was like: JUST MAKE IT CHANGE! And still, it started to feel really angsty, the kind of beautiful angst that you actually enjoy. But no, not really. But yes.

(i guess i need to cut it here)

[tearpath]

(okay, part two. I don't think I have ever written such a long comment D:)

And when Harry left, it was like a relief and it was even worse. (This fic is so fucking full of contrasts I just can't-) I kept seeing Lou on that couch with that hopleless face we have actually never seen, though it looks so easy to look behind the joking mask. And dear god, Liam. Liam Payne, you beautiful creature. I don't think I can love you more than this. (Shit, not that song again. Noooo what are you DOING, brain?!)

I feel like I should mention the part where Louis lives without Harry, but I'm too afraid to write all the novel that wanders through my head and I think you've probably stopped reading this thing already, so. I missed Harry. I missed Lou missing Harry, too. Two things that really basically stabbed me:

"Harry always shops like he's preparing for the apocalypse; we've got tons of food. I could probably survive for a good few months like this."

There's something in it that hurts so much. I can't really explain, not even in mother-tongue Hungarian, it's just so hopeless. He's like he wants to speak about him, think about him and misses everything to the tiniest bit they used to have so much.

And the other is a few lines under, about the picture. It really hit me and made me feel stupid, because I have never thought about it. But it's so logical, of course they can't have private photos and memories that are only theirs. But the way you write the quiet and longing Louis, it makes my heart break.

And boom! then everything is so quick, the clubbing and Liam punching someone (the first time I laughed at this fic and it sounded so hysterical I immediately stopped) and Louis packs and leaves and yes, that was so right.

And now all I remember after this is the moment Louis opens the door and they just fall against the other, hugging and murmuring and desperate, because that was the point the acid from my stomach vanished and I felt like really crying now and it was so good. It didn't need porn at all, but it was yelling for the cuddling and talking and not leaving eachother, and you gave it all to us.

Thank you. And thank you for everything that came after, too, especially the interview. I think the next time my parents act homophobic I will make them read this and they will understand it at last.

I wanted to write something nice to finish it but it'd sound like a farewell and lol no, I want to read you forever. Because that's how addicted and fangirly I am. ;)

[likecharity]

I think this might be the wrong place to comment, but only if someone reads the first part and then decides to read all the comment threads for some reason! Which seems unlikely. XD

Thank you so so much for this comment. ♥ It means so much to me to know that it affected you this way, honestly, like - just knowing that you felt nervous and scared for them is kind of awesome, though of course I'm sorry for inflicting that on you, haha. I'm so glad that you didn't hate either of them even at the moments when they deserved it a little - I really didn't want either of them to come off as ~the bad guy~ in the whole thing. And ack, it was so hard to write Louis this way at times because I WASN'T going on anything we've actually seen, just what I think is there underneath the surface, and I'm really glad he still seemed in character to you.

♥ This is a really amazing comment and I'm just sitting here grinning ridiculously at my screen right now. I'm so glad that you enjoyed this and I will definitely keep writing - though I don't know if I could ever write anything like this again!!