Boys Kissing
Maybe it all started with a game of truth or dare. Jin can't be too sure, but ever since then he'd felt that silent aching at the pit of his stomach whenever anything about Kame crossed his mind. They were only 16 and 18 and a little too young to be drinking alcohol, but they were never the ones to stick by the rules. It was as good a time as to celebrate, they’ve just set a world record they were so glad work was over.
They got someone's older brother to buy them God knows how many bottles, and sneak it inside Jin and Junno's hotel room. Every one of them was in a jolly mood then, still heady with the success of their concert tour. Jin remembered thinking that time that it didn't get any better than that; working hard and having fun with the five other people who went through the both the great times and the tough times with him. Back then he felt like he belonged nowhere else. He was home.
They played that game with the empty bottles littering the floor, all of them too drunk to care about propriety. Kame adventurously chose “dare” when the bottle stopped and pointed at him. Sadistic grins formed in the lips of each of their band mates, but it was Ueda who coughed it up, “Kiss Akanishi.”
Everyone, underestimating Kame’s resilience, didn’t think he’d go through with it, but the next thing Jin knew, Kame’s lips were already pressed against his. Thin lips so soft and warm against his own, he was a bit surprised by the feeling. His eyes were wide open with shock and he could see how Kame was shutting his eyes tightly. It lasted all but a second, but it was enough to emboss Kamenashi in his heart forever.
With the lights off, they lay on the floor with their backs facing each other. Lulled by the steady breathing of the others, Jin tried to sleep, his unthinking brain going at a hundred miles an hour. It was eerily quiet and he couldn't hold on to a single thought.
He could feel the uneasy shuffling beside him. He turned over, and wasn't the least bit surprised to see Kame's twinkling eyes staring straight at him, reflecting what little light that made it through the curtains from the street outside. Kame was waiting for him to do something, and he knew what that something was.
It felt so natural when he went a little closer and brought their mouths together for an open-mouthed kiss. One far less chaste than the previous kissed they shared.
In the darkness, they kissed until they fell asleep in each other’s arms.
Something hurt; it was a crushing pain in his chest, like something had a vise grip on his heart. He knew it was futile to scan the audience for that familiar face. There were just too many people; not that that face would ever fail to capture his attention.
He awkwardly stood on the stage, like a shy schoolboy introducing himself to the class for the first time. It's different these days. The spotlight was on him alone. He couldn’t afford to stand in a corner and not say anything, and hope everyone watching won't notice his presence. Everyone he had everyone’s attention.
He forced his eyes to keep from wandering. There were a few thousand people out there, all coming to see him. He should already have come by this time, he bitterly thought, not unless he didn't have any intention of going at all.
Maybe it was revenge. Like one for how he never went to watch Dreamboys. But he put it beyond Kame to go for something as petty as revenge. Kame was too mature for something as childish as that; just like that time when he came back and Kame refused his kisses.
"Do hate me? Do you hate me for leaving?"
Those words reverberated in his head, like a mantra reminding him of the selfishness of his youth. They were together then, but Kame's touches had turned to icicles, and it made Jin wonder until when he could take it before he froze over. It wasn't too long. He couldn't stand being with Kame and not be loved; couldn't settle for the pleasures of the flesh. Not when it wasn't enough to warm his heart.
"I hope we can be friends again. Someday."
It's what Kame said to him when they went their own ways, and Jin wanted to say that, "No, we can't be friends. I can't stand being with you and not being with you," but he held himself back, hoping that maybe when that someday comes, he'd be all right with being friends.
Kame really might have hated him. Might still hate him. And he wonders if he's still as selfish as he was for wanting Kame to come and watch him despite the many years of pretending everything was okay, when it never really was, not since they were over.
Pretending. That's what Kame was good at. Pretending he didn't hate Jin when it was obvious that he did. It was so easy for Kame to go to work and stand beside Jin and pretend Jin didn't exist. In a way it made him the perfect idol; plastering smiles to his face for the fans even when he felt like crap. Even when he was hurting deep inside.
Jin had always hated pretending. He had never learned to keep his emotions hidden away were no one else would be able to see them. Sometimes he felt like an open book anyone could read. He was a stark contrast to Kame's brilliant smiles and bright personality; like a storm cloud in a Kame's bright, sunny day. Standing side by side made the difference all the more obvious. That was why he had stopped standing beside Kame in the center and sought the safety unintimidating corners. He made a crappy idol, but he'd rather be himself and show Kame that he was hurting rather than pretend that what they had didn't mean anything to him.
When he couldn't take it anymore, he asked Kame, "Would everything have gone differently if I didn't leave?"
Kame just shook his head at Jin, No, Jin, we were going downhill way before you got on that plane."
And it made Jin wonder if he was just too stupid or too selfish to notice that Kame wasn't happy anymore. That, maybe, he wasn't happy, as well.
He had wanted to ask Kame countless times, ”Did you even love me?”
He had hoped time and time again that what he had with Kame was just a puppy love sort of thing; that one day, he'd outgrow all the feelings attached to that one person, that first drunken kiss they shared. Based on how this something inside him still ached whenever he thought of Kame and what they once had, he reckoned he still had a lot of growing up to do.
And yet he has outgrown his past enough to feel restricted every time he had to fake a happy smile, or pose with a cutesy piece of prop. He had grown tired of putting up tiresome facades and just wanted to cry alone in a corner and ask why, why did it have to happen to them. As though that would wring out all the bitterness inside him and he could come clean and move on to a life without Kame. As though that would let him look back at all the good times and not feel the stabbing pain in his chest, and maybe even...smile.
He wanted to be free, and yet being free would entail leaving everything behind and starting out alone. A new beginning devoid of everything he has known growing up; a new beginning with only the new him. He was a little scared.
He remembered when Nakamaru heard about his solo.
"You finally got what you've been wanting for, huh?" he said without a single trace of malice; genuinely happy for him, secure with the knowledge that whatever happened, Jin would still come back to them. Just like he did before. But Jin was wondering just how much he could take. That maybe this time, he’d spread his wings, fly, and never come back. Maybe then, he could heal.
Jin nodded and they both shared that knowing smile. Maru knew. It's what Jin has wanted for the longest time. Freedom.
As he stared back at the sea of people, waiting in bated breath for his every word, he knew that was the breath of fresh air he needed; just a deep breath of freedom before he had to dive back into the chaos. A breath that he hoped would rejuvenate him enough to keep doing what he has been doing, and perhaps would be better. Perhaps his wounds would be healed and the pain would fade away on its own.
He raises the microphone up to his lips, and greets everybody, "Good afternoon everyone. Welcome to You and Jin..."
It was all over. Once he had to get out of the dressing room full of the friends he has made the past few years, gotten into his car, and driven straight home, it finally sunk in. The shows were over. No more daily rehearsals, memorizing lyrics, and tucking in early. He could party all he wanted, until any time he wanted. No more stress, no more responsibilities. No more heavy burden of meeting everyone's expectations.
And yet the first thing he did when he was done was go straight home. As he stood in his doorway, he noticed how deafeningly quiet it was. He was all alone. It was uncanny not having the other five people with him.
He took a shower and got ready for bed. He had already gotten used to the lifestyle of the working celebrity. For more than a month he has actually been working. He checks his phone one more time, before putting the lights out. His inbox has suffered an influx of congratulatory messages; his mom's among those. It made him feel all warm and accomplished. Like he did something really great. Even Kame's mom texted him. Disappointingly though, her son didn't.
Koki, always one for celebrating, was asking if he was free for the night. He wasn't, he was at home about to go to bed, he replied. Koki wouldn't take no for an answer, though, and said they would be there in a few minutes. Jin didn't know what he meant by "they" but he assumed Koki meant KAT-TUN.
He wasn't quite sure he was ready for them yet; wasn't sure he was ready to go back to their world. He certainly didn't know what to do if Kame came because what he really felt like doing was grabbing Kame's collars and shaking him, asking him if he hates Jin as much as to not care at all.
He changed into clothes that were not pajamas, and hoped that whatever Koki planned on doing, wouldn't take too long.
Sure enough, when the doorbell rang, it was the four of them outside Jin's door, bringing champagne and some other bottles of assorted liquor. They greeted him with hearty congratulations and made themselves at home right away. Jin stifled the urge to peep outside and check if they've left anyone else out there. There was nothing but an empty corridor.
Jin chastised himself for not being able to let that habit go. Watching out of Kame just came naturally, whether it be on air, on the stage, or wherever else he had Kame with him. He always kept an eye on Kame. As if Kame needed him like he did when they were much younger. It always made him wonder if Kame looked at him the same way. When they were younger, Kame always told him,
“You’re great, Jin! I bet you’ll be really cool when you grow up.”
He snorts in disbelief. Kame sure wouldn’t say anything like that to him anymore. The sparkle in Kame’s eyes whenever he looked at Jin has been extinguished long ago.
With Junno asking if he could plug the console in, Koki asking where he kept his snacks, and Ueda pouring champagne down his throat, he completely missed the doorbell. Maru volunteered to get it. He figured it wasn't so bad having all of them around, well, almost all of them. The house seemed less lonely.
Just like a pointless cut from a badly edited movie, Kame was suddenly standing in his living room, a large bouquet of flowers in his hands, and staring everywhere except at Jin. The room went awkwardly quiet for a second before everyone forced the casual atmosphere by giving a Kame a flute of champagne and encouraging him to sit anywhere, completely ignoring what he had in his hands. Everyone tried to be preoccupied as Kame gave him the flowers and mumbled apologies for his tardiness. He stared at the bunch of roses in his hands. A dozen pale pink roses crowded together with an abundance of ferns. It looked quite expensive. Lost as to where to put the bouquet, Jin tossed it to the couch, just on top of Ueda's leg.
"Thanks," Jin said under his breath, and Kame seemed to get it.
Kame was weird sometimes, and he'd do these grand displays of affection thinking it was the most appropriate thing to do, being trained for the longest time about impeccable manners all proper idols should have. It hurt Jin to think that Kame saw him merely as a stranger to impress and not someone he could show his true colors to.
They settled into the flow of things. The rest of the band had gotten used to the charged atmosphere whenever they had to go near each other. During public appearances, some brave person would stand between them immediately and absorb that strange energy. In real life, no one was willing to sacrifice himself for the sake of avoiding awkward situations. Everyone has learned to just give them their space.
They managed to do things without having to talk to each other for the rest of the night.
Jin was hit with the familiarity of it all. Like how gathering like this has become a tradition. It was something of a world he thought he felt no connection to anymore, and yet, even after the years that has passed by, he realized, this was a part of him. He was KAT-TUN's A.
They all got dead drunk and passed out on Jin's living room. Taguchi's game was still on - the character he was controlling fidgeting about, waiting for a command - when Jin was roused from his sleep. He was lying spread eagle on the floor. The state of the mess they’ve made quickly dawned on him, and he shook his head. He was going to force each and every one of them to clean up first thing in the morning.
He rose up to turn off the tv and the lights and walked over to close the curtain on the sliding glass door that opened to the veranda. He noticed Kame sitting on the floor, leaning against the back of the couch. A beer bottle was dangling on one outstretched hand that was propped up on a bent leg. He was looking at Jin as if he wanted to say something, and Jin was trying to look at him without the resentment being obvious.
"I'm sorry," Kame's voice was raspy and just a bit drawled, "...for being weird, I mean. What was I thinking? Flowers?!"
Jin snorted, "You really didn't have to."
Kame patted the blank piece of floor beside him, and Jin thought about it for a while, asked himself if he could keep from punching Kame out of sheer frustration. He wanted to hurt Kame like Kame hurts him. Nonetheless, he acknowledged the request with his hands fisted and his muscles tense.
"I heard it was great, congratulations."
Jin was really angry, and the alcohol wasn't helping him keep the words in his mouth, "Oh, fuck you, Kamenashi."
They were silent for a while, and he knew Kame's consciousness was fighting with the alcohol, sifting through all the wrong words and hoping he uses the right ones.
"I'm sorry...for...not going,"
Jin wanted to ask why, wanted an explanation as to why Kame couldn’t be there for him when he’s available to everyone else on the planet, wanted to know why Kame would rather go out with some people he met months ago than go to one of his shows. Somehow it made him feel like all the years they’ve spent together didn’t merit a modicum of civility. That Kame wouldn’t even be there even as a duty. Sometimes it slips his mind that they weren’t on speaking terms anymore. Kame seemed so approachable, and yet so impenetrable.
"You know what sucks? That even after everything that has happened I still wanted you to come. It really, really sucks, you know, to be this...disappointed," Jin paused to suppress a hiccup that might have been a sob, "Do you still hate me that much?"
"I don't hate you, Jin! God..." Kame was burying his face in his own hands.
Another bout of silence.
Jin’s lips were pursed, and he knew there would be poignant bitterness in his voice if he said something but he knew it was his turn to break the silence, "You said someday we'd be friends. That day is taking a damn long time to come."
"I know, but maybe...we're just not meant to be friends. It's...it's too difficult being like this."
Kame said it just as desperately, like he, too, didn’t know where to go from the stagnant state of their relationship. As if holding on and hurting was terrible, and yet letting go and saying goodbye forever was unimaginable.
Jin was glad that Kame wasn't the undefeatable knight he tried to be, that he was also battling his own demons. It comforted him a little to know that Kame found what they had important enough to be affected. A small part of him, refused to give up that strand of hope for a happy ending.
"What happened to us?" Jin asked.
Nobody knew the exact answer, not even Kame, "I don't know. Maybe we grew up."
Jin wondered if he'll be asking that question his entire life; he doubted ever finding the answer. He wondered if he'll forever pine for the loss of his one great love. How could he go through the monotonous patterns of everyday feeling empty, as though life has left him behind? How could he keep going knowing that the best thing in life had already slipped away?
Kame was looking at him, vulnerability apparent in his eyes. Kame spoke with them, his eyes, they spoke words the mouth could not utter. In them Jin can see himself, and his desperation, as if Kame was a mirror him, was hurting just as much. Jin knew it might be an illusion, one that would fade without the veil of alcohol. He allowed himself to fantasize about Kame kissing him, just like Kame did all the many times when everything was simple and they could be together.
Jin knew Kame would shrug it off when they wake up tomorrow. For the moment, though, he couldn't care about tomorrow, or even forever, not when some strange force of nature was pulling them closer. That same strange force that entwined them for the very first time back when they haven't grown up. And Jin admits that he's too powerless to fight it. It was relieving to just give in and not bother with all the thoughts that battle in his head. How could he want for freedom when he could forever be a prisoner in this whirlwind of moods and emotions? How could he give up on the numbing pain when it’s that pain that makes brief respites of affection all the more sweeter. He couldn’t care less about what happens afterwards. Not when Kame's lips were on his. Not when Kame's tongue was licking his lips, entering his eager mouth, exploring every moist crevice. Like Kame was hungry. Like Kame was devouring him. Everything else seemed pointless.
Just like before, they kissed contentedly in the darkness until they fell asleep in each other's arms.
--End--
PS ahhhhhh been feeling all uninspired and sick and crap lately so really sorry for this half-assed attempt at fic :| I'm really not expecting anyone to like it BAWLS T______T oh the pathetic orz
PPS and of course not! I don't believe I can live on happy, sparly, fluffy music alone....I NEED MY UST!!!