I Hate This Part
Water flavored with the taste of the sea is silently boiling in the pot. Strands of spaghetti swirl in the concoction. It won't be long until it is al dente. Kame quickens the pace at which he is chopping the little black olives. Any time now, Jin will be home.
Deft hands move around the kitchen; the contents of every drawer and location of every pot memorized. It only takes a few seconds for a pan to be oiled and placed on the stove, just beside the pasta. Garlic and onions sauté for a bit, then a generous amount of capers, green and black olives, anchovies, and tomatoes follow. Jin likes his pasta chunky. Just handful of chopped oregano, a pinch of salt, and a few dashes of pepper is all it needs. Kame takes a step back to admire his masterpiece. The smell of the simmering concoction of vegetables combines with the wafting scent of the chicken roasting in the oven in a culmination of delectable aromas. He flashes a profound smile at his masterpiece. It's almost perfect.
The thudding footsteps alert him of Jin arriving. They seldom get chances like this --- to play house after one of them finishes with work; Kame's always too busy with a drama or a play or something else. It's usually the other way around, only without the delicious gourmet food. Jin would rather have pizza delivered than cook anything on his own, though Kame is glad he does; it is yet to be proven if the gastronomically challenged man can produce anything edible other than instant ramen. Kame doesn't want to be the first one to find out.
"Smells great," Jin stumbles into the living room, still peeling the layers of garments off his body.
"It's almost done; welcome home" Kame smiles at him across the counter, "Aren't you cold?"
Jin lets out soft huffs of laughter as he rubs his hands together, willing the feeling to come back to his hands. The plastic bag he's holding moves back and forth as he does so, just like the pendulum of a grandfather's clock. It's like Kame can hear time ticking away; little ticks and tocks reminding him of gradually lessening opportunities for him to make up his mind.
"I was actually by your door a while ago, but then I remembered I finished all your beer last time, and I wasn't really sure if you restocked since then," Jin explains as he stores said beer into the refrigerator, "I hope you didn't mind me borrowing your bike."
Cool hands are suddenly settled on his apron-wrapped hips and Jin is pulling him close. It's nice, just settling in like this, him warming Jin and Jin offering him a pillar he can rest on (not that he needs it; cooking is hardly exhausting work for Kame). Just the comfort of Jin leaning against him makes him want to forget what happened in the Jimusho earlier, makes him not want to mind what the old man told him, makes him want to not think about his job or his career or what more than half of Japan thinks of him.
Moist, warm lips make contact with his neck and he can feel Jin's sharp intake of breath. He tilts his head to the side the meet the gentle kiss.
"I hope the meal tastes half as good as you do."
Kame giggles and pushes back his derriere just enough to tease, "Oh, I won't mind giving you an objective point of reference... after dinner, that is"
Jin feigns disappointment at the waiting though his pout is lost on Kame because of the angle. Jin lets him finish his cooking and wanders off to settle in front of the TV with a can of beer in hand. He's probably very hungry already, Kame thinks. A baseball match materializes on the screen when Jin turns the appliance on.
"Hey, don't change the channel!," Kame calls out from the kitchen and Jin promptly drops the remote. They'll be having dinner in front of the TV tonight.
The oven pings, signaling the chicken being done and Kame leaves it out to cool off enough to not get their tongues burned as he gives the pasta a few tosses. Jin watches him from the couch, seemingly more entertained with his culinary mastery than the ongoing match. He affords Jin a few quick smiles when his gaze descends from the television to the unreadable expression in the other's eyes.
Kame's not sure what to make of the expression. It looks like a mixture of confusion and spaced-outness, and is that... misery? The corner of Jin's mouth quirks up as he attempts to return the reassuring smiles and fails.
Maybe Jin knows. Kame hasn't told him yet, Kame doesn't even know if he'll ever tell him. It's his problem and he shouldn't drag Jin into it. He's pretty sure that at some point, they've told Jin the things they've been telling him, asked Jin to pick between the same choices, and if Kame goes by their situation now, he can be sure which choice Jin picked. He can only hope he's as strong as Jin is.
The pasta is laid out on simple white plates, already garnished with sprigs of parsley and powdered with lots and lots of parmesan cheese, just like how Jin likes it. Before Kame knows it, Jin is already beside him, mouth watering and a couple of beers in hand. Nothing could distract Jin from his brooding mood better than food. Kame has to swat away his hand as the chicken plops beside the pasta.
"Use a fork, you barbarian!"
"But Kameeeeeee! I'm hungry and the chicken looks sooooooooo good!"
Then he gives up on the plates and attacks the carcass on the tray, picking at the bones. Kame can do nothing more than to roll his eyes at such uncivilized behavior. When he brings the plates over to the living room, he notices the empty beer can on the coffee table and glares at it. The last time Jin finished his six-pack, he was left with beer stains in his carpet and empty cans toppled over whichever way.
"Uh-oh," is all Jin could say when he tears himself off the chicken bones and follows Kame to the living room only to be greeted by the sight of the said man giving the desolate can a thorough look-over.
But Kame decides to let him go this time and say nothing, just sigh resignedly and give him that what-am-I-ever-going-to-do-with-you? smile. Jin looks dumbfounded for a moment, probably still searching for an explanation and an apology, and then looks down to put something on the table, avoiding his eyes. Something makes Kame feel it's not the empty beer can that's troubling him.
Pudding. What Jin put on the table is pudding. Lots of pudding.
"Why did you buy all this?" Kame asks amusedly, holding up a cup and inspecting it closely, "It's not my fault if you grow fat."
"Will not!" Pouting and hands crossed over his chest, Jin plops down on the carpet in that not amused kind of way, but Kame knows he's not offended.
Kame just laughs at his reaction. A few tugs on the corner of Jin's mouth betray his sulking pretense. I wish we could always be laughing together. All traces of amusement leave Kame's face, and he's overtaken with such deep longing. Can we just keep on having these trivial little fights? He's glad when Jin misses his melancholic stare, but then a little part of him wishes for that much needed eye contact; to look deep into the eyes of someone who understands and be told that it's going to be all right. It's difficult, Jin. So difficult. What am I going to do? Maybe it won't be all right...
Jin is already digging into the pasta though not with the ardor he usually has. Kame tries to push back the depressing thoughts and focuses on the game instead. He notices Jin's lack of appetite but there doesn't seem to anything wrong when he tastes the food. It's quite good even; salty, tangy, a bit acidic, just as he wants it to be. It's perfect but Jin doesn't seem to think so.
"Is anything wrong?"
"Hmm?" Jin seems quite surprised by the question, "Oh, they're really great. Your best yet, I think," and he smiles one of his smiles that don't quite reach the eyes. He doesn't look at Kame, either. It's like he's looking into thin air.
A team has just scored a home run, and Kame gets distracted for a moment. He's not even such a big fan of the teams that are playing but being all excited about a homerun seems second nature to him. He starts to feel guilty about not paying more attention to Jin.
"So, tough presscon?" He tries to sound upbeat.
"Not really. I've had much worse," and Kame can assume what those press conferences were, "They asked a lot about you guys."
Of course, after all they're his bandmates, right? Before that brings back thoughts of responsibilities and making choices, Jin mumbles, "How was your day?"
Kame's not entirely sure what to say, and suddenly he doesn't hear or see the baseball match on the TV. Should he tell Jin? Maybe he has to do this on his own. But then maybe it'll be less difficult if Jin knows. Maybe it'll be less painful.
As his conflicting thoughts swallow his entire consciousness, he lets out a response, "Uneventful."
Jin switches off the television when the match ends and Kame picks up the dirty dishes to wash them in the sink. Jin is beside him after a little while, towel in hand and ready to wipe the just washed dishes and stock them in the cupboard. It's like they’re on autopilot. They work really well together.
Jin disappears into the bedroom first. Kame says he'll follow soon but for now he has to throw the trash out. The beer cans are still on top of the table. So typically Jin, Kame shakes his head as he thinks but then it also brings a little smile to his face. As much as clutter irritates the hell out of him, he has to admit it's part of Jin's charm. Kame doesn't want Jin any other way.
He takes the cans and the unopened packages of pudding from the table, throws the cans away and puts the pudding in the fridge. They weren't really in the mood for anything sweet earlier.
When he's done, he turns off the kitchen and living room lights and silently walks over to the bedroom. Jin is seated on the edge of the bed, looking down at his hands where he's twiddling his thumbs. Kame turns off the harsh fluorescent. The only source of illumination is the city lights through the bedroom window filtered by the curtains into a gentle glow.
They make love that night. It's the slow and silent kind; the kind that doesn't need any words, just soft moans and quiet sighs that say as much. They take their time lavishing each other with utmost attention given to every sensitive nook and cranny, traipsing the well traversed paths that have been memorized through countless nights like this. Sure, they have their share of fast, desperate, kinky sex (and they like it just as much) but tonight it's not passion that is dictating their moves, rather it is the need to be closer, to be consumed, to forget that they are not one. It's like they're looking for something deeper, something that lasts much longer, something that means so much more.
They need to feel.
And then Kame can't imagine letting Jin go.
Their bodies slide against each other seamlessly, slick with sweat and saliva, a writhing mess against the silky sheets. The air is saturated with the smell of sex and suddenly it's harder to breathe. The gasps for air get more erratic, their grips tightening it almost hurt, the thrusts get faster. Just a little more and they'll be there. Just one more thrust, one more kiss. Deeper, faster, tighter, stronger.
When they come, they come together. Just a little whimper from Jin and a barely audible moan from Kame.
Kame can feel the puffs of warm air against his neck, and when Jin rolls off him his gaze follows. As he looks at Jin panting through parted lips, he's sure, he definitely doesn't want to lose this.
The waves of fatigue slowly take over him. It's not long before he falls into a shallow and dreamless sleep.
It's still dark when Kame wakes up. Barely an hour has passed. He's mildly surprised when he turns his head and sees Jin staring at him. It's like he's still dreaming and Jin is boring into his soul, trying to find the things Kame's keeping from him. Jin can be so intense if he wants to, and he's putting Kame under that spotlight right now, with such strength contrary to the evasive glances he's been giving Kame all night.
Jin just keeps staring, unblinking, and if it isn't for the steady rise and fall of his abdomen and that look, Kame might start thinking he's dead. He reaches out a hand to caress his seemingly hypnotized lover's cheek. It's warm and soft. He's not dead after all.
"Are you okay," He asks.
"I couldn't sleep."
Kame just smiles at him, unsure of what to say. He's finding it hard to go back to sleep, too, but that's okay, he doesn't have to get up early tomorrow, or today, rather. He reckons it's already past midnight.
"Don't you have to get up early?"
"Kazuya, are you going to leave me?"
The question knocks the wind out of him, as if he just took a mean left hook in the gut, and the way Jin says it so stonily, so straight out, it's quite unexpected.
"Why...Why would you think that?" The words get out strained and a bit high-pitched, destroying any attempt at obliviousness.
"I got the memo, too."
It's kind of bitter, the way Jin says it, like he's so certain Kame's considering it.
A reflux of what happened in the office comes back to suffocate Kame. The events are quite hazy, but the words have been on a clear playback in Kame's head.
"YOU! You're with him again, aren't you?" A disapproving sigh, "You know what'll happen when everybody finds out. It's not good for you. It's not good him. It's not good for KAT-TUN. It's not good for everybody! If care about your career, if you care about everyone else's sake," a disappointed shake of the head, "then you know what to do."
Kame wants to throw up. Maybe if he does he'll stop feeling so damned guilty about what he has chosen. He swallows the lump of vomit in his throat instead.
"They told me to do it, before. I tried to do it, too," Jin icily says and it takes a while for Kame to comprehend. His eyes widen as the pieces all into place, "I thought going away would make it easier… it just hurt more."
Jin finally moves to lie on his back, eyes trained towards the ceiling. A hint of moisture is apparent at the corner of his eye. Kame still hasn't gotten over the shock of Jin's confession. The LA incident hasn't been an easy topic to talk about but they've been gradually moving away from it, especially after the anger and bitterness and confusion fizzled down and they got back together. Kame has always been content with trying to understand Jin's desire to learn English even during that inconvenient period. Kame never heard anything from Jin about this. Jin never told him anything. Maybe everyone thought he was too young to make sensible decisions back then.
"I was so weak. I probably still am." Enough moisture has accumulated to overflow and run down the corner of Jin's eyes, down his temples until it disappears through the labyrinth of his ears. Jin closes his eyes as he continues, "but you're so much better than me at taking responsibility. I won't blame you if you want to stop this."
It's like watching Jin thaw; the icy stare giving way to liquid tears and a cracking voice.
Kame couldn't take it anymore he jumps out of bed and makes it just in time to fill the toilet bowl with that night's dinner as Jin covers his face with his beautiful hands and sobs uncontrollably.
Kame isn't sure he could take seeing Jin just as he is right now. Even the soft, silent whimpers making their through the open door connecting the bedroom to the bathroom are tearing his heart apart. The room smells acrid with the discarded stomach contents, even after they've already been flushed away. He knows his stomach is empty but he keeps on retching. He collapses on the cold tiled floor, back resting against the equally cold tiled wall. He lets his head fall back against the wall and closes his eyes. It's so difficult, Jin. So difficult. But I haven't changed my mind."
He calms himself for the meanwhile as he waits for Jin's sobs to subside.
When Jin seems collected and the sobbing has stopped, Kame comes back to bed and leans over Jin. He pries the hands covering the disheveled man's face and sees the red, puffy eyes, cheeks that are still wet, lips contorted to keep the sobs in. Kame wipes the tears away with shaky but sure hands. He looks into Jin's distressed eyes and says with a voice that's just as shaky and sure as his hands, "Silly, why are you crying? I want to be with you."
Then he tries to smile as Jin breaks into another bout of tears but he fails and his lips twist into a shape that's not a smile or a frown. Then he lets go of his tears and holds on tight to Jin just as Jin is holding him when both of their bodies are wracked by sobs of relief.
"You're not so pretty when you cry."
They've both recovered from their emotional outburts and are now lying facing each other. They've been smiling at each other like idiots for quite some time when Kame felt the urge to bait Jin before the mood gets too sappy.
He's apparently succeeding since the statement brings him a glare, "At least snot doesn't come out of my nose why I cry!"
"Why you-" Kame lunges at him, aiming for his collar bones and they wrestle a bit, Jin protecting them from the attack. Kame is nimble and unforgiving and it isn't long before he's got Jin in a chokehold with the collarbones exposed and ready for tickling.
"ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! I TAKE IT BACK!"
So Kame lets go of him while laughing his ass off at how easy Jin is when it comes to his collarbones. Jin pokes him and hugs him from behind.
"Aren't you hungry?"
Kame has forgotten he's lost his dinner because he really doesn't want to think of the stress again, but he is feeling a little bit famished.
"Kinda."
"You wanna eat the pudding?" Jin is oddly excited about the desserts and Kame thinks they sound tempting at the moment.
"Yeah. Let's go get 'em."
Perhaps it's time for something sweet.