i read a paper back and i don't want to come home soon
i'm not writing this because i want her to see this
i'm not writing this to justify any of my actions
and i'm definitely not writing this to please any of you
i'm writing this to get this off of my chest
but if you either:
A. Don't give a crap about stupid girly stuff
or
B. Couldn't care less about the decisions i make
then hold Alt and hit F4 now.
[you think that you'd figured out everything]
i only pretend
i have this vicious cycle that happens to me. well to be honest, i have many of those, but these out of all effect how i feel the most. i would go so far as to call it a bad habit. whenever i become interested in another female, of course, my natural reaction is to be excited. and everyone knows those first few days/weeks/whatever can be a little different and feel confusing sometimes even. and what ends up happening, is i will show my interest, whether that be verbally or physically, and thus instigating some what of a grounds for a relationship. then there's those moments where you're experiencing new territory with these new grounds and the newness and unfamiliarity of it as well. then, at this point, is when my problem starts. my mind says, "Chris, she is awesome, she is an amazing person, but are you sure about this?" and for the most inconvenient reason, i start second thinking things, and yes, my mind set will change with it, and my actions suddenly get pulled into this. this happened with Raquel, and words can't express the regret that my body loathes in for what seems like, an eternity. but, moments passed, we reconnected, and i realized my mistake. and i'm thankful for that, so very thankful for that. but, more recently, i've experienced this with a very close friend, Alissa. and this same thing happened, i had it, and totally lost it. not even lose it, i walked away from it, i fucking avoided it. and for a period of time, i ingrained lies of reassurance to myself, like i do when this sort of thing happens. i tell myself that it was the right decision. when in fact, i find myself months later fighting with every ounce of my mind, body, and soul to hold myself together because of this one mistake. and it's hard, it's difficult to have to tell someone, especially a person who i care about so much as to begin a relationship with, that i made a mistake, and you have to deal with it. it kills me inside. and i will never be able to forgive myself for that single action. but what makes this more difficult, is three realizations: 1. my mistake 2. knowing that i'm not offered a second chance 3. my feelings have elevated more than before for her. and all i can do is just, be there. and that, that right there is the hardest. being there. but it is the absolute least i can do to make up for my mistake. but i don't have the least bit of clue as to what to do. i explained to her everything, and i'm glad i had the balls to do that. and in response i'm reminded of the unnecessary pain i caused her, the mistake i made, and the repercussions she has chosen directed not only to me, but to herself as well, respectfully declining and the decision of not getting tangled in anything before she leaves for college. and after that, we've still remained really good friends. and that should be good enough for me, but wishful thinking will get you nowhere.
and so i sit here, and i ask myself, what exactly do i do from this moment? do i come to my senses and realize that what i've done/do is not something that can be easily forgotten and i should withdraw the part of me that wishes to keep trying? or do i keep trying? she has a list of guys that i grow more and more jealous of every day that she's juggling with, but i've been dropped. i would give anything just to be in that list. i would give anything just for a second chance.
[give up. think of how you would feel if someone would do that to you. i'm not saying think of what you'd do, but just try to imagine the feelings you would be forced upon. what the fuck makes you think you should have a second chance?]
hope
i'm not writing this to justify any of my actions
and i'm definitely not writing this to please any of you
i'm writing this to get this off of my chest
but if you either:
A. Don't give a crap about stupid girly stuff
or
B. Couldn't care less about the decisions i make
then hold Alt and hit F4 now.
[you think that you'd figured out everything]
i only pretend
i have this vicious cycle that happens to me. well to be honest, i have many of those, but these out of all effect how i feel the most. i would go so far as to call it a bad habit. whenever i become interested in another female, of course, my natural reaction is to be excited. and everyone knows those first few days/weeks/whatever can be a little different and feel confusing sometimes even. and what ends up happening, is i will show my interest, whether that be verbally or physically, and thus instigating some what of a grounds for a relationship. then there's those moments where you're experiencing new territory with these new grounds and the newness and unfamiliarity of it as well. then, at this point, is when my problem starts. my mind says, "Chris, she is awesome, she is an amazing person, but are you sure about this?" and for the most inconvenient reason, i start second thinking things, and yes, my mind set will change with it, and my actions suddenly get pulled into this. this happened with Raquel, and words can't express the regret that my body loathes in for what seems like, an eternity. but, moments passed, we reconnected, and i realized my mistake. and i'm thankful for that, so very thankful for that. but, more recently, i've experienced this with a very close friend, Alissa. and this same thing happened, i had it, and totally lost it. not even lose it, i walked away from it, i fucking avoided it. and for a period of time, i ingrained lies of reassurance to myself, like i do when this sort of thing happens. i tell myself that it was the right decision. when in fact, i find myself months later fighting with every ounce of my mind, body, and soul to hold myself together because of this one mistake. and it's hard, it's difficult to have to tell someone, especially a person who i care about so much as to begin a relationship with, that i made a mistake, and you have to deal with it. it kills me inside. and i will never be able to forgive myself for that single action. but what makes this more difficult, is three realizations: 1. my mistake 2. knowing that i'm not offered a second chance 3. my feelings have elevated more than before for her. and all i can do is just, be there. and that, that right there is the hardest. being there. but it is the absolute least i can do to make up for my mistake. but i don't have the least bit of clue as to what to do. i explained to her everything, and i'm glad i had the balls to do that. and in response i'm reminded of the unnecessary pain i caused her, the mistake i made, and the repercussions she has chosen directed not only to me, but to herself as well, respectfully declining and the decision of not getting tangled in anything before she leaves for college. and after that, we've still remained really good friends. and that should be good enough for me, but wishful thinking will get you nowhere.
and so i sit here, and i ask myself, what exactly do i do from this moment? do i come to my senses and realize that what i've done/do is not something that can be easily forgotten and i should withdraw the part of me that wishes to keep trying? or do i keep trying? she has a list of guys that i grow more and more jealous of every day that she's juggling with, but i've been dropped. i would give anything just to be in that list. i would give anything just for a second chance.
[give up. think of how you would feel if someone would do that to you. i'm not saying think of what you'd do, but just try to imagine the feelings you would be forced upon. what the fuck makes you think you should have a second chance?]
hope