OMG, Thank you all!!
Hello, everyone.
I want to thank you all, so very much, for this amazing collective gift to me in the wake of Chris's death. It is so kind, and thoughtful, and just wonderful of you. It means more than I can say, but I'd still like to say a little something.
Things have been very hard, as I guess is not surprising. The house is so empty, and I've been having to go through all his things, which I have to keep telling myself aren't really his things anymore; they're no one's. And it's not only terribly hard but also just plain weird, going through everything someone owned, deciding what to keep, what to give away (and to whom), what to donate, what to sell, what to just throw away.
I keep thinking I'm prepared to do the next chore, the next step, but the most unexpected things keep catching me unawares; like, I started cleaning the fridge one night and ended up having a total breakdown, over the refrigerator of all things, because there were all his foods, stuff he liked but I didn't, like his diet orange pop and Swiss cheese and spicy Thai peanut sauce. I prefer Cheddar, I can't eat anything spicy, and I find orange pop yucky. There they were in the fridge, still fresh even, but no one was going to eat them now, so into the garbage it all went. This was food I always remembered to buy for him whenever I was in the grocery store for the last ten years, and now it's nothing, trash. So. Bad night, that.
Well, it's been two months now. I've been making progress, stuff-wise anyway, with one exception-- the printer. I teach ESL classes, and I have to print out my handouts and homework and lessons all the time. When our last printer finally gave up the ghost, Chris went into his tech-research mode to find the best one with the best price and the best reviews, the one that could do not just printing but all the scanning and copying from textbooks I need to do. He finally bought what he thought was the best one, and set it up with our computers and wifi. It was the last thing he ever bought.
But now the damn thing isn't working! It's not just dead, like our old printer, but it keeps saying it's out of black ink even though I've put in new black ink cartridges twice now.
I'm a technophobe and clueless with machines; I'm always sure I'll touch the wrong key and something will explode, or I'll break the Internet, or erase everything I have. But Chris was the opposite-- he was a gadget man, a total techie. It was awesome, because he would always know the latest tech if we needed something, and he could always fix problems with the computer, the cable, the wifi, the printer, my iPhone, the TV, whatever. I never knew how he did it, and he couldn't really explain it (he did try, a couple times, but his words made sense to neither of us; it was just something he could instinctively do).
This printer problem seems to be more of a software thing than a hardware one, and I know Chris could've just sat down with his computer and communed with the printer in his zen, tech-whispering way, and have it working in half an hour. But he isn't here, and no one else has been able to fix it. Taking it to a repair shop would probably end up costing almost as much as a new one, so that would be silly. And even though it's new, I can't return it to Amazon because I accidentally threw its box away during the Great Purge of So Much House Stuff.
I tried to research other printers to buy, but in the end, I just couldn't get myself to buy another one, because this was the printer he had thought was good, but it sucks, so how am I going to do better? I'm researching and they all look the same! And this one is still new, and its lights are on and everything, it just won't PRINT, and if Chris were here it would be working just fine. How can I buy another one when this one is brand new and so close to working, still alive with blinking lights and everything?
And meanwhile I still have classes, and they need their handouts, so I've been having to email all my documents to my department's office for the secretary to print out (she's been nice enough about it, but I can tell this is getting old), and so I have to drive to the office every day before class, then drive to the building on campus where my class is. Suck.
I have been feeling utterly ridiculous about this... bizarre "printer block." Of all the things I've had to do, this I can't get past? I need a working printer, I know this. It's not logical, and it's become an increasing problem, but I couldn't seem to take any action here.
And then a very large boxed arrived in the mail a couple of days ago.
Oh, you guys.
I never even thought about the possibility, but this is so perfect! Receiving a printer directly from my loving friends solves my problem perfectly! I don't have to wrestle with that weird-yet-unbreakable block, or feel strange about it. This printer works, and helps me in my many printerly needs, and does an end run around the block, and best-- it reminds me that you are all thinking of me.
But wait, there was more!
I got an email from PayPal later the same day. Apparently, I am the proud owner of a cool extra $1000!!!!
What with the reduction to one salary, plus job worries and leftover debt and unexpected costs, it helps so much--and it doesn't just help, it is truly stunning. I never imagined getting such an overwhelming gift. Just the idea that there are so many people out there for me, when I feel like I have so little active presence.
I mean, as you must know about me by now, I don't post very often (see date of last entry), and worries about owing people emails (and just the right email) can sometimes overtake my ability to actually write anything. So it can be easy to think that I've faded from your lives, even though you haven't faded from mine.
I am moved and grateful beyond measure to be reminded that this isn't true, and to have such help and caring in my corner. Thank you, thank you, thank you, each and every one.
I want to thank you all, so very much, for this amazing collective gift to me in the wake of Chris's death. It is so kind, and thoughtful, and just wonderful of you. It means more than I can say, but I'd still like to say a little something.
Things have been very hard, as I guess is not surprising. The house is so empty, and I've been having to go through all his things, which I have to keep telling myself aren't really his things anymore; they're no one's. And it's not only terribly hard but also just plain weird, going through everything someone owned, deciding what to keep, what to give away (and to whom), what to donate, what to sell, what to just throw away.
I keep thinking I'm prepared to do the next chore, the next step, but the most unexpected things keep catching me unawares; like, I started cleaning the fridge one night and ended up having a total breakdown, over the refrigerator of all things, because there were all his foods, stuff he liked but I didn't, like his diet orange pop and Swiss cheese and spicy Thai peanut sauce. I prefer Cheddar, I can't eat anything spicy, and I find orange pop yucky. There they were in the fridge, still fresh even, but no one was going to eat them now, so into the garbage it all went. This was food I always remembered to buy for him whenever I was in the grocery store for the last ten years, and now it's nothing, trash. So. Bad night, that.
Well, it's been two months now. I've been making progress, stuff-wise anyway, with one exception-- the printer. I teach ESL classes, and I have to print out my handouts and homework and lessons all the time. When our last printer finally gave up the ghost, Chris went into his tech-research mode to find the best one with the best price and the best reviews, the one that could do not just printing but all the scanning and copying from textbooks I need to do. He finally bought what he thought was the best one, and set it up with our computers and wifi. It was the last thing he ever bought.
But now the damn thing isn't working! It's not just dead, like our old printer, but it keeps saying it's out of black ink even though I've put in new black ink cartridges twice now.
I'm a technophobe and clueless with machines; I'm always sure I'll touch the wrong key and something will explode, or I'll break the Internet, or erase everything I have. But Chris was the opposite-- he was a gadget man, a total techie. It was awesome, because he would always know the latest tech if we needed something, and he could always fix problems with the computer, the cable, the wifi, the printer, my iPhone, the TV, whatever. I never knew how he did it, and he couldn't really explain it (he did try, a couple times, but his words made sense to neither of us; it was just something he could instinctively do).
This printer problem seems to be more of a software thing than a hardware one, and I know Chris could've just sat down with his computer and communed with the printer in his zen, tech-whispering way, and have it working in half an hour. But he isn't here, and no one else has been able to fix it. Taking it to a repair shop would probably end up costing almost as much as a new one, so that would be silly. And even though it's new, I can't return it to Amazon because I accidentally threw its box away during the Great Purge of So Much House Stuff.
I tried to research other printers to buy, but in the end, I just couldn't get myself to buy another one, because this was the printer he had thought was good, but it sucks, so how am I going to do better? I'm researching and they all look the same! And this one is still new, and its lights are on and everything, it just won't PRINT, and if Chris were here it would be working just fine. How can I buy another one when this one is brand new and so close to working, still alive with blinking lights and everything?
And meanwhile I still have classes, and they need their handouts, so I've been having to email all my documents to my department's office for the secretary to print out (she's been nice enough about it, but I can tell this is getting old), and so I have to drive to the office every day before class, then drive to the building on campus where my class is. Suck.
I have been feeling utterly ridiculous about this... bizarre "printer block." Of all the things I've had to do, this I can't get past? I need a working printer, I know this. It's not logical, and it's become an increasing problem, but I couldn't seem to take any action here.
And then a very large boxed arrived in the mail a couple of days ago.
Oh, you guys.
I never even thought about the possibility, but this is so perfect! Receiving a printer directly from my loving friends solves my problem perfectly! I don't have to wrestle with that weird-yet-unbreakable block, or feel strange about it. This printer works, and helps me in my many printerly needs, and does an end run around the block, and best-- it reminds me that you are all thinking of me.
But wait, there was more!
I got an email from PayPal later the same day. Apparently, I am the proud owner of a cool extra $1000!!!!
What with the reduction to one salary, plus job worries and leftover debt and unexpected costs, it helps so much--and it doesn't just help, it is truly stunning. I never imagined getting such an overwhelming gift. Just the idea that there are so many people out there for me, when I feel like I have so little active presence.
I mean, as you must know about me by now, I don't post very often (see date of last entry), and worries about owing people emails (and just the right email) can sometimes overtake my ability to actually write anything. So it can be easy to think that I've faded from your lives, even though you haven't faded from mine.
I am moved and grateful beyond measure to be reminded that this isn't true, and to have such help and caring in my corner. Thank you, thank you, thank you, each and every one.