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so i haven't updated on this in a REALLY REALLY LONG TIME i think its been at least a year now but probably longer......i'm writing on here b/c i dunno i just....i just feel like things aren't going so great, i mean i have a LOT of things to be happy about, i'm spending alot of great time with my mom, just me and her one on one time, and we are getting really close which is cool and i'm soooo gratefull for all the things she does for me, she's taking me shopping alot and i'm so grateful, i'm so gratefull for all the material things i have becuae i know i have alot more then most and trust me i'm so appreciative and i'm thankful for the time i've gotten to spend with my familly but when it comes to school and friends i just feel so...............BLAH
i feel like things are slipping away from me. not only am i SUCKING it up in school becuase i don't do my homework or really study that hard but i've been late a ton which really dissappoints me and its embarrasing too (especially in eco.) b/c blah i just look so dumb! but i feel like the relationships i have had with my friends in the past is slipping, i am not as close to teresa anymore b/c idon't see her and i feel like we don't ever talk and it makes me so sad b/c i miss her so much and i just feel like she doesn't really miss me, like she came and visited amanda and jenn today and it made me feel like i dunno it made me feel sad, b/c i really wanted to see her and b/c i dunno i guess i was a little bit jealous that she arranged to see them. i've always been insecure about my position with "the girls" i have always felt a little out of the loop at times and i guess i just felt like that again today. also it feels like jen and i are always comepeting.....i dunno and our relationship is just so going downhill, we NEVER hang out ne more and i hardly ever see or talk to her. its sad b/c i dunno i just feel like our freindship is dying. with amanda, she's probably who i have the closest relationship now, i see her on a-days alot and we kept pretty close all school year, we used to go out to eat lunch alot but now i can't do that ne more b/c i work afterschools and i still feel the closest with her but i feel like i don't see alot of her either, we never hang out outside of school. it makes me so sad that i don't get to see all the girls outside of school and hang out with all of them i miss it ALOT i keep thinking of the past two summers and imiss seeing and hanging out with all of them, even when i hung out with mallory and matt and jenn i miss that and i miss us all just being friends...i feel like i don't have ne one ne more. i always hear about things and it just makes me sad that i don't have the friends i guess i used too. i have tried branching out and hanging out w/ other ppl and i LOVED it but then i tried calling them this weekend and no answer, i know it wasn't on purpose but still it hurts just because even tho i loved spending time with my mom when i saw that i wouldn't be doing ne thing w/ them, i still wish that i had friends that i could rely on to have fun with. i took off last weekend specifically to have fun w/ my friends and it turned out hanging out w/ my mom all weekend, i loved it but it just made me sad to think that i don't even have ne friends to hang out with and have fun w/ ne more.......and i think jenn thinks that i HATE marley b/c i'm just a bitch. with that whole thing....i don't HATE marley. i've always disliked her though since this summer/junior year tho because it seemed like i always tried so hard to be her friend and, to me, it felt like no matter what i did she just didn't seem to like me and that really hurt me, she was the only girl out of all "the girls" that just made me feel like crap b/c i always got the feeling that she didn't like me. then the whole ashbuhley happened and she made me feel even worse b/c she took one of my best friends away from me and practically turned her against me. i don't really like to be with people that make me feel bad and i think for that reason i've never really been fond of her. i tried to be her friend and i really wanted to be her friend but i just never felt she really even like me the slightest bit or even cared about my feelings and what her actions were doing to me. but everyone just thinks that i randomly hate her and i'm a bitch.
i really hate where i am right now in my social life. it just really makes me feel bad.
not to mention i'm a fat cow that has put on so much wait and who can't seem to find motivation to loose weight even tho i look in the mirror ever day and feel horrible about how much weight i've gained.
like i said i have alot that i have to be happy about and that i'm happy about but then everynow and then the bad things can really get me down....i just don't even know what to do ne more about it. it seems no matter how hard i try it just doesn't work, i hope things get better...i needed to get this out.
i feel like things are slipping away from me. not only am i SUCKING it up in school becuase i don't do my homework or really study that hard but i've been late a ton which really dissappoints me and its embarrasing too (especially in eco.) b/c blah i just look so dumb! but i feel like the relationships i have had with my friends in the past is slipping, i am not as close to teresa anymore b/c idon't see her and i feel like we don't ever talk and it makes me so sad b/c i miss her so much and i just feel like she doesn't really miss me, like she came and visited amanda and jenn today and it made me feel like i dunno it made me feel sad, b/c i really wanted to see her and b/c i dunno i guess i was a little bit jealous that she arranged to see them. i've always been insecure about my position with "the girls" i have always felt a little out of the loop at times and i guess i just felt like that again today. also it feels like jen and i are always comepeting.....i dunno and our relationship is just so going downhill, we NEVER hang out ne more and i hardly ever see or talk to her. its sad b/c i dunno i just feel like our freindship is dying. with amanda, she's probably who i have the closest relationship now, i see her on a-days alot and we kept pretty close all school year, we used to go out to eat lunch alot but now i can't do that ne more b/c i work afterschools and i still feel the closest with her but i feel like i don't see alot of her either, we never hang out outside of school. it makes me so sad that i don't get to see all the girls outside of school and hang out with all of them i miss it ALOT i keep thinking of the past two summers and imiss seeing and hanging out with all of them, even when i hung out with mallory and matt and jenn i miss that and i miss us all just being friends...i feel like i don't have ne one ne more. i always hear about things and it just makes me sad that i don't have the friends i guess i used too. i have tried branching out and hanging out w/ other ppl and i LOVED it but then i tried calling them this weekend and no answer, i know it wasn't on purpose but still it hurts just because even tho i loved spending time with my mom when i saw that i wouldn't be doing ne thing w/ them, i still wish that i had friends that i could rely on to have fun with. i took off last weekend specifically to have fun w/ my friends and it turned out hanging out w/ my mom all weekend, i loved it but it just made me sad to think that i don't even have ne friends to hang out with and have fun w/ ne more.......and i think jenn thinks that i HATE marley b/c i'm just a bitch. with that whole thing....i don't HATE marley. i've always disliked her though since this summer/junior year tho because it seemed like i always tried so hard to be her friend and, to me, it felt like no matter what i did she just didn't seem to like me and that really hurt me, she was the only girl out of all "the girls" that just made me feel like crap b/c i always got the feeling that she didn't like me. then the whole ashbuhley happened and she made me feel even worse b/c she took one of my best friends away from me and practically turned her against me. i don't really like to be with people that make me feel bad and i think for that reason i've never really been fond of her. i tried to be her friend and i really wanted to be her friend but i just never felt she really even like me the slightest bit or even cared about my feelings and what her actions were doing to me. but everyone just thinks that i randomly hate her and i'm a bitch.
i really hate where i am right now in my social life. it just really makes me feel bad.
not to mention i'm a fat cow that has put on so much wait and who can't seem to find motivation to loose weight even tho i look in the mirror ever day and feel horrible about how much weight i've gained.
like i said i have alot that i have to be happy about and that i'm happy about but then everynow and then the bad things can really get me down....i just don't even know what to do ne more about it. it seems no matter how hard i try it just doesn't work, i hope things get better...i needed to get this out.