And I don't even know how I got off the track
The countdown has begun. As another teammate put it, I am basically mentally checked out and it's hard for me to discuss how difficult this round is for me. The hardest part is that I feel so god awful isolated and lonely here, and I can't bring myself to confide in anyone here. I don't really trust anyone on my team. I have been fairly desperate for a sense of community after leaving all my friends from college and breaking away from several long-term important friendships that turned unhealthy, and I can't stomach the disappointment that I ended up with a team I can't connect with at all, or feel like myself with at all, that probably views me as this fragile, small, naive creature that I've regressed to since I've decided to stick my head in the dirt until I finally go home.
I just miss having a genuine conversation with someone, the hours long heart probing kind where you feel like you really get to know someone. I wish I had just one like that during my time with this team. Instead, I spend all day trying to be productive and rack up a little list of accomplishments in my head. I have never felt comfortable relaxing and just doing nothing here. I dread going to bed because I usually end up crying just lying in the dark and being forced to think about how little I like myself here and how alone and on edge I feel.
Jamie B told me that if I ever feel alone and misunderstood here, just step away and think about the allies I do have in my life who are with me in spirit, the ones who love me, and KNOW me, and will not judge me. It does make me stronger, even though that number has dwindled.
This is another lesson. It is such a gift to simply be known. Compassion isn't just about understanding others' suffering; it's also about recognizing and respecting each person for their own history, values, and gifts. This isn't necessarily a condemnation of AmeriCorps, but I have never felt so expendable and trivial and carelessly judged since high school. Maybe it's because there are so many of us, and so many leaders among us wanting to shine.
Why do we always have to get things done in the most efficient way possible with the most capable people on top? I thought this program was also about supporting each other and helping each other grow. The whole point is that it's not a contest--- can we please slow the fuck down and look out for each other too? I have been pushing my own limits and challenging myself constantly, both mentally and physically, but I feel like it just slows people down and they want me to get out of the way. In my dark state of mind, I wonder if maybe it was pointless to try to be "flexible" and do all different kinds of work--- there are some things I don't do well and I should let the capable people do it and stop sticking my feet in. I feel like I can't try hard enough here--- it's just not good enough. I was so strong last round--- in just 5 weeks, my confidence and sense of self has eroded so much. I am miserable and depressed. I would seriously quit if it weren't so close to the end.
I know I am stronger than this. I want to be strong for other people too. I know everyone else on the team needs support too, and I want to be trusted enough to help them too. It is so important to me to be able to give back to others and there is nothing worse than feeling needy and useless.