Love and Memory (Loving Memory)
The world used to be in the palm of my hands. Five years ago, I would spin the globe (one of those expensive, fancy kinds) and wait until it landed on a location in front of me. I would think. China? France? Savannah, Georgia. I could do great things there. And there and there. Now I am here. Half way through being done with college. Half way through the summer leading up to my junior year. Half way sure that I have no idea what I will ever do. That is not what this post is about.
This post is about...
I realized tonight that the years spent in high school added with the years spent in college equal two years short of a decade. Eight fucking years. So much can change in a decade. Yes, I have changed drastically over the years. And yes, thanks to my friend Manya, I drop the F bomb like no other.
1: Best compliment I have received since high school: "You have gotten a lot more attractive since high school", said Brandy Parker at my kitchen table yesterday evening.
I have changed so incredibly much since high school. For reasons you may and may not know. Oh lord, how naive I was. I really truly used to believe in all things good. If I do good, good things will come back to me, and I have gotten off the track so much.
I'm trying to get back on that track...
I wrote a poem once saying that if I send enough love into the universe, eventually some will come back to me. I have had terrible luck with love. All I want is love and all I avoid is love. "I've loved and lost again" (Patsy Cline). So, I have been writing anonymous love letters, addressing "To Whom It May Concern" and leaving them in random, appropriate places. For example, today I wrote: "You have found my love. How will you return it? 06/01/08", and I left it in a Red Eye newspaper box. There was only one Red Eye left. The early bird catches the worm. The late newspaper getter will find my love. If in high school, I left love letters in random places...well, I wouldn't have done that because I didn't love anyone in high school. Except for a few friends.
I feel like love has grown into this abundant, encompassing thing. I used to know that love was what I felt when I watched my friends walk away, knowing that they were leaving for a different school in a different state and knowing that I wouldn't see them for months. Now love is just a fairy tale desire I have. Yes, I have taken Queer Theory and know my people's history. Yes, I think that love is nothing more than holding someone else's hand. Or giving a friend a tight hug. But love is now this abstract idea that no one seems to grasp. It is all just sex, sex, and more sex. Perhaps it's just the age I am at, but...
Enough. Enough about love. Getting back on track...
2: Best insult I have received since high school: "Have you gained the 'Freshmen Fifteen'?" said an Ex.
3: Second best: "Someday, when you aren't a fag...", said Heidi, the nonexistent, philosophical forty year old that invited Brandy and I into her apartment at one in the morning.
Heidi could see things about me that I couldn't see. That Brandy couldn't see. That Brandy couldn't see about herself. That Brandy and I could tell one another and still not see it in ourselves. She looked at us with her bug eyes and told us that everything we are thinking right now is ridiculous. And I felt ridiculous. I felt ridiculous for being twenty years old. I felt that how Heidi felt is how I feel about my high school self. So much naivete.
I think in a large city it is difficult to realize that I am an individual person growing older. Each month passes as fast as each day, which in comparison passed as fast as each year. I remember what I did yesterday just as poorly as what I did last month. My memory is shot.
But here is what I remember...
4: Best thing an ex has ever said to me: "Good morning, Turtle."
Here is what I remember and here is what I know. In another eight years, which is two years short of a decade, I will be thinking about my past. I will be thinking about this bed that I am in right now, writing this, and this apartment that I am in right now, and everyone and everything surrounding it. What changes the most is my surroundings and the ones that surround me. And I am just learning to adapt. So while I hold on to these bests and worsts in my memory, and while I drop the F bomb like no other, I know that is because I am changing because I am supposed to be changing. I am dropping the F bomb just as much as I am dropping random love letters into the world. I am not regretting high school as much as I am not regretting not regretting holding someone's hand. Or giving a tight hug. Not not not. Ton ton ton.
Tons of love.
This post is about...
I realized tonight that the years spent in high school added with the years spent in college equal two years short of a decade. Eight fucking years. So much can change in a decade. Yes, I have changed drastically over the years. And yes, thanks to my friend Manya, I drop the F bomb like no other.
1: Best compliment I have received since high school: "You have gotten a lot more attractive since high school", said Brandy Parker at my kitchen table yesterday evening.
I have changed so incredibly much since high school. For reasons you may and may not know. Oh lord, how naive I was. I really truly used to believe in all things good. If I do good, good things will come back to me, and I have gotten off the track so much.
I'm trying to get back on that track...
I wrote a poem once saying that if I send enough love into the universe, eventually some will come back to me. I have had terrible luck with love. All I want is love and all I avoid is love. "I've loved and lost again" (Patsy Cline). So, I have been writing anonymous love letters, addressing "To Whom It May Concern" and leaving them in random, appropriate places. For example, today I wrote: "You have found my love. How will you return it? 06/01/08", and I left it in a Red Eye newspaper box. There was only one Red Eye left. The early bird catches the worm. The late newspaper getter will find my love. If in high school, I left love letters in random places...well, I wouldn't have done that because I didn't love anyone in high school. Except for a few friends.
I feel like love has grown into this abundant, encompassing thing. I used to know that love was what I felt when I watched my friends walk away, knowing that they were leaving for a different school in a different state and knowing that I wouldn't see them for months. Now love is just a fairy tale desire I have. Yes, I have taken Queer Theory and know my people's history. Yes, I think that love is nothing more than holding someone else's hand. Or giving a friend a tight hug. But love is now this abstract idea that no one seems to grasp. It is all just sex, sex, and more sex. Perhaps it's just the age I am at, but...
Enough. Enough about love. Getting back on track...
2: Best insult I have received since high school: "Have you gained the 'Freshmen Fifteen'?" said an Ex.
3: Second best: "Someday, when you aren't a fag...", said Heidi, the nonexistent, philosophical forty year old that invited Brandy and I into her apartment at one in the morning.
Heidi could see things about me that I couldn't see. That Brandy couldn't see. That Brandy couldn't see about herself. That Brandy and I could tell one another and still not see it in ourselves. She looked at us with her bug eyes and told us that everything we are thinking right now is ridiculous. And I felt ridiculous. I felt ridiculous for being twenty years old. I felt that how Heidi felt is how I feel about my high school self. So much naivete.
I think in a large city it is difficult to realize that I am an individual person growing older. Each month passes as fast as each day, which in comparison passed as fast as each year. I remember what I did yesterday just as poorly as what I did last month. My memory is shot.
But here is what I remember...
4: Best thing an ex has ever said to me: "Good morning, Turtle."
Here is what I remember and here is what I know. In another eight years, which is two years short of a decade, I will be thinking about my past. I will be thinking about this bed that I am in right now, writing this, and this apartment that I am in right now, and everyone and everything surrounding it. What changes the most is my surroundings and the ones that surround me. And I am just learning to adapt. So while I hold on to these bests and worsts in my memory, and while I drop the F bomb like no other, I know that is because I am changing because I am supposed to be changing. I am dropping the F bomb just as much as I am dropping random love letters into the world. I am not regretting high school as much as I am not regretting not regretting holding someone's hand. Or giving a tight hug. Not not not. Ton ton ton.
Tons of love.