(no subject)
I said I was done with live journal. I'm a liar. Jackie has been working on a weaving project the last two days. She goes to the loop to work on it in the morning and comes back in the evening, and by the time she gets home we are both too tired to talk and too busy to do anything but work some more. I have spent the last two days painting in the kitchen, occasionally staring out the window at the snow and the rain and the cold, and thinking.
I thought a lot today about the old philosophy "It's the little things that matter". Is that a philosophy? Anyway, I am painting a picture of my Mom and Dad and my dog Abby for my book. Something was incredibly wrong about it. I couldn't figure out what. But today I realized, I had forgotten to paint the buttons on my Dad's shirt. What a small thing to create such a big problem! Then I started thinking about other small things in my life. Like the time my ex called me one morning just to say, "Happy Saturday". It was probably the most romantic thing he'd ever done. That one sticks in my mind a lot.
I am not handling finals very well this year. I find myself really depressed and yearning to be home, even though I don't consider my parent's house home anymore. I'm extremely pressed for time and overworked right now. I just want to take a nap. Or maybe hibernate. When I was young, I told my mom I wish that I could hibernate like a bear does. She asked me if I was depressed. It's times like these when I question my standing in life. Why am I in art school? Why do I work so damn hard on enormous projects just so people who do bullshit-last-minute work can tell me what they think about mine? Where will this lead me someday? I feel like people are searching too hard for some big, or great thing to happen to them. It's the little things that matter. I feel that every little choice we make is what's important. I feel that every day when I go to Walgreens (which is quickly becoming my favorite place), I am getting one step closer to meeting someone new. Maybe not in Walgreens, but on the way there, in the puddle drenched alley under the subway that takes me there. I feel that the dust collecting on my bedroom fan will eventually cause it to explode. I feel that the clothes that have been spilling out of my laundry basket onto the floor will eventually mold and must and become un-wearable so that I'll have to get a new wardrobe and dress like a different person. Small things add up. I feel that every time I yawn, it makes someone else yawn, causing someone else to yawn, and then another someone until everyone in the world has yawned within a certain time period. Small things add up. I'm going crazy. I feel that the two cups of tea and the caffeine pill called "Awake" I took tonight caused me to get too shaky to paint yet not shaky enough to write this entry.
So, tomorrow and forever I'll paint some more. I'm sure I'll go to Walgreens at some point. Maybe I'll clean off my fan or throw my clothes in the washing machine. But maybe, just maybe, I'll do these things more assuredly because I truly believe that we are the keepers of our own destinies. Every little decision we put effort into ultimately builds up into that big, or great thing we have all been waiting for. The problem is just realizing what that great thing is once it comes.
I thought a lot today about the old philosophy "It's the little things that matter". Is that a philosophy? Anyway, I am painting a picture of my Mom and Dad and my dog Abby for my book. Something was incredibly wrong about it. I couldn't figure out what. But today I realized, I had forgotten to paint the buttons on my Dad's shirt. What a small thing to create such a big problem! Then I started thinking about other small things in my life. Like the time my ex called me one morning just to say, "Happy Saturday". It was probably the most romantic thing he'd ever done. That one sticks in my mind a lot.
I am not handling finals very well this year. I find myself really depressed and yearning to be home, even though I don't consider my parent's house home anymore. I'm extremely pressed for time and overworked right now. I just want to take a nap. Or maybe hibernate. When I was young, I told my mom I wish that I could hibernate like a bear does. She asked me if I was depressed. It's times like these when I question my standing in life. Why am I in art school? Why do I work so damn hard on enormous projects just so people who do bullshit-last-minute work can tell me what they think about mine? Where will this lead me someday? I feel like people are searching too hard for some big, or great thing to happen to them. It's the little things that matter. I feel that every little choice we make is what's important. I feel that every day when I go to Walgreens (which is quickly becoming my favorite place), I am getting one step closer to meeting someone new. Maybe not in Walgreens, but on the way there, in the puddle drenched alley under the subway that takes me there. I feel that the dust collecting on my bedroom fan will eventually cause it to explode. I feel that the clothes that have been spilling out of my laundry basket onto the floor will eventually mold and must and become un-wearable so that I'll have to get a new wardrobe and dress like a different person. Small things add up. I feel that every time I yawn, it makes someone else yawn, causing someone else to yawn, and then another someone until everyone in the world has yawned within a certain time period. Small things add up. I'm going crazy. I feel that the two cups of tea and the caffeine pill called "Awake" I took tonight caused me to get too shaky to paint yet not shaky enough to write this entry.
So, tomorrow and forever I'll paint some more. I'm sure I'll go to Walgreens at some point. Maybe I'll clean off my fan or throw my clothes in the washing machine. But maybe, just maybe, I'll do these things more assuredly because I truly believe that we are the keepers of our own destinies. Every little decision we put effort into ultimately builds up into that big, or great thing we have all been waiting for. The problem is just realizing what that great thing is once it comes.