When will this just end...??
I feel like i have so much to say..but i can't. Something is inhibiting me from saying what i feel..saying what's on my mind.
I want to cry..but i don't want to make people uncomfortable..and i only feel like crying in front of people. I was pretty close to it at drama. I hate how i have so many expectations for the cast and crew..and then so many people don't show up..and they don't pull their own weight. I don't want to say that i'm pulling it for them..cuz i'm probably doing hte opposite...but i do feel like if people actually CAME to the tech sundays...we'd be a lot more prepared...i've never been involved in a show at 'nade that had this many people absent at the LAST TECH SUNDAY BEFORE THE SHOW! Absolutely ridiculous...But I guess i'm not much help as it is. i radiated anger and frustration all day..i made people uncomfortable and i think i probably upset a lot of people..particularly my crew and Paula..she told me i was acting like a drama queen..and that's when i came out of myself..i looked at the way i had been acting all day and felt sick. But i can't do anything about it now...
I guess it all leads back to last night...the concert was awesome and it was great to spend caity's bday with her. I had major mood swings all night tho...one moment i was feeling excited and happy to be w/ caity and em and some hw people..and then suddenly i would start slipping into the whole, "i'm a loner and no one likes me" deal..i stood 3 feet away from the group w/ my arms crossed. maybe cuz i felt fat and self conscious and ugly next to all the pretty, skinny, punk rock chicks there (including caity). IT goes along w/ the whole, "I feel alone in big groups of people" thing. The whole night was kind of frustrating tho cuz i felt left out and unimportant and then i would feel like no one cared about me and blah blah blah...now i just feel like all of that is sooooo stupid and i hate feeling this way...it's like i can't do anything right..and at the same time i feel too dramatic and annoying, like i'm over reacting and complaining too much. And i can't stand when i'm annoying people and i can't stand when i go against my beliefs. I feel like there's a lot of anger inside of me..frustration and it's gonna explode..or maybe it has already. If i've hurt anyone or offended anyone..i'm sorry.
Friend: Lauren, anger is the best possible indicator you have that something isn't right...its the clearest natural instinct that you have. Its an extremely valuable tool..
Me: not for me
Friend: I think especially for you, since you're at a point in your life where you're trying to figure out just who and what in your life is real and worth carrying into the future.
i hate over reacting..and i guess this entry is a form of it..but i couldn't think of any other way to express myself w/out directly hurting someone. If i have offened you, by this entry or whatever else, tell me. It's probably not something i want to hear but it's definitely something i need to hear.
Excuse the rambling.
I want to cry..but i don't want to make people uncomfortable..and i only feel like crying in front of people. I was pretty close to it at drama. I hate how i have so many expectations for the cast and crew..and then so many people don't show up..and they don't pull their own weight. I don't want to say that i'm pulling it for them..cuz i'm probably doing hte opposite...but i do feel like if people actually CAME to the tech sundays...we'd be a lot more prepared...i've never been involved in a show at 'nade that had this many people absent at the LAST TECH SUNDAY BEFORE THE SHOW! Absolutely ridiculous...But I guess i'm not much help as it is. i radiated anger and frustration all day..i made people uncomfortable and i think i probably upset a lot of people..particularly my crew and Paula..she told me i was acting like a drama queen..and that's when i came out of myself..i looked at the way i had been acting all day and felt sick. But i can't do anything about it now...
I guess it all leads back to last night...the concert was awesome and it was great to spend caity's bday with her. I had major mood swings all night tho...one moment i was feeling excited and happy to be w/ caity and em and some hw people..and then suddenly i would start slipping into the whole, "i'm a loner and no one likes me" deal..i stood 3 feet away from the group w/ my arms crossed. maybe cuz i felt fat and self conscious and ugly next to all the pretty, skinny, punk rock chicks there (including caity). IT goes along w/ the whole, "I feel alone in big groups of people" thing. The whole night was kind of frustrating tho cuz i felt left out and unimportant and then i would feel like no one cared about me and blah blah blah...now i just feel like all of that is sooooo stupid and i hate feeling this way...it's like i can't do anything right..and at the same time i feel too dramatic and annoying, like i'm over reacting and complaining too much. And i can't stand when i'm annoying people and i can't stand when i go against my beliefs. I feel like there's a lot of anger inside of me..frustration and it's gonna explode..or maybe it has already. If i've hurt anyone or offended anyone..i'm sorry.
Friend: Lauren, anger is the best possible indicator you have that something isn't right...its the clearest natural instinct that you have. Its an extremely valuable tool..
Me: not for me
Friend: I think especially for you, since you're at a point in your life where you're trying to figure out just who and what in your life is real and worth carrying into the future.
i hate over reacting..and i guess this entry is a form of it..but i couldn't think of any other way to express myself w/out directly hurting someone. If i have offened you, by this entry or whatever else, tell me. It's probably not something i want to hear but it's definitely something i need to hear.
Excuse the rambling.