Solipsist
This is a dip in my lifetime sugar levels. I've never been fearful of depression or even considered myself vulnerable to it, but it sneaks in through the cracks. I don't want this to seem so much like a cry for help. Its more like a whisper through the din of a room full of friends. I've spoken extensively about my revelations on maturity and its tumor-like occurrence in my life recently. I am still steadfast in the notion that its benign, although still lumping its way through my conscience.
I welcome my new perspectives as they present themselves and try to understand what's happening to me with the utmost patience and objectivity. That part is easy. Its the part where you have to justify why you want to accept this maturity with patience and objectivity. Realizing that there is no such objectivity in trying to understand your conscience, I've opened the door to that shitty house guest, Depression.
The usual factors are in place for this to occur.
For one, our lease is up in the next few months and there is a calculated scramble towards what's next. I've pretty much decided to stay in Chapel Hill for another year. Its the most rational decision. I want to make the irrational one, pack it up and move to a new place but there needs to be some sort of concrete thought process or set of morals in order for it to be considered irrational. I have none of that. I have no ideas or plans to go against. That should be the single best reason to leave but my ambition is holding steady at around nothing. I take that back. I know where the ambition dwells in me. It stems from the need to entertain and perpetuate a companionship. This leads to the next reason.
There are plenty of love feelings inside me. I love my room mates and my friends and my family. The thing that seems to be lacking though is the best friend type love. I know the obvious solution is to get a girlfriend. This proves difficult as my maturity keeps fucking with the rear view mirrors. Any and all crushes go through a formulaic rise and fall. I lust, infatuate, create and bend toward someone else's world, often before I've ever said a word or made eye contact. When the interest isn't reciprocated, whole kingdoms come crashing down in about 30 seconds and then the report is bottled and thrown into the ocean with the only pain being the blood rushing to my hand. That lasts even less than a second. Surely its becoming a defense mechanism. I think about attempting to rekindle old flames and a sense of dread overwhelms me for no actual good reason. I'm just surrounded by people in solid relationships that each passing day makes me feel like a blob losing its luster and getting irreconcilably grumpy.
The best friend longing may be at the root of it all. Justin has always actually been the completed, more intelligent and able part of me. Doing nothing with him does everything for me. I am so completely inspired by him that it must be some sort of chemical anomaly. Calling it science is probably a grievous understatement as it must be some sort of supernatural art. The only problem is that he is floating farther out of reach. He is constantly occupied with Nicole and so many other things that we rarely get to spend meaningful or productive time together. There are so many feeling explosions happening with all of us and he is such a solid receptor that I feel guilty having this need for him in my life. Understandable, but heartbreaking nonetheless.
The most doodoo part of it all is that I am most happy when I'm at work, oblivious to the brick that is my heart.
I welcome my new perspectives as they present themselves and try to understand what's happening to me with the utmost patience and objectivity. That part is easy. Its the part where you have to justify why you want to accept this maturity with patience and objectivity. Realizing that there is no such objectivity in trying to understand your conscience, I've opened the door to that shitty house guest, Depression.
The usual factors are in place for this to occur.
For one, our lease is up in the next few months and there is a calculated scramble towards what's next. I've pretty much decided to stay in Chapel Hill for another year. Its the most rational decision. I want to make the irrational one, pack it up and move to a new place but there needs to be some sort of concrete thought process or set of morals in order for it to be considered irrational. I have none of that. I have no ideas or plans to go against. That should be the single best reason to leave but my ambition is holding steady at around nothing. I take that back. I know where the ambition dwells in me. It stems from the need to entertain and perpetuate a companionship. This leads to the next reason.
There are plenty of love feelings inside me. I love my room mates and my friends and my family. The thing that seems to be lacking though is the best friend type love. I know the obvious solution is to get a girlfriend. This proves difficult as my maturity keeps fucking with the rear view mirrors. Any and all crushes go through a formulaic rise and fall. I lust, infatuate, create and bend toward someone else's world, often before I've ever said a word or made eye contact. When the interest isn't reciprocated, whole kingdoms come crashing down in about 30 seconds and then the report is bottled and thrown into the ocean with the only pain being the blood rushing to my hand. That lasts even less than a second. Surely its becoming a defense mechanism. I think about attempting to rekindle old flames and a sense of dread overwhelms me for no actual good reason. I'm just surrounded by people in solid relationships that each passing day makes me feel like a blob losing its luster and getting irreconcilably grumpy.
The best friend longing may be at the root of it all. Justin has always actually been the completed, more intelligent and able part of me. Doing nothing with him does everything for me. I am so completely inspired by him that it must be some sort of chemical anomaly. Calling it science is probably a grievous understatement as it must be some sort of supernatural art. The only problem is that he is floating farther out of reach. He is constantly occupied with Nicole and so many other things that we rarely get to spend meaningful or productive time together. There are so many feeling explosions happening with all of us and he is such a solid receptor that I feel guilty having this need for him in my life. Understandable, but heartbreaking nonetheless.
The most doodoo part of it all is that I am most happy when I'm at work, oblivious to the brick that is my heart.