(no subject)
Chris and me had been talking and he was trying to get me to go back out with him and i said that i might way later on if he straightened up his life and he was saying he waqs going to for a long time and then he never did. Well, I had talked to him and asked him to either check himself into rehab or move into his dad's and he said that he didn't want to do either. Well after the last conversation where I told him to straighten up or there was no chance in hell of us ever being together I didn't hear from him for a while, I talked to his mom yesterday and he moved in with his dad in West Palm beach and is making an effort of straightening up his life.. I am absolutely amazed. If he goes through with it I will be so happy. However crazy it might seem that I am thinking about getting back with him in a few years to you guys, it isn't to me. Well in a way it is. But, I figure, if I am going to get my heart walked all over anyway it might as well be with the person that I want to do it. I know that I will never ever feel the same with anyone else as I do with Chris, and that I will never ever have the same kind of relationship with anyone else. I don't mean the negatives to our relationship, I mean the positives. How comfortable and safe I felt with him. How he used to look at me, how I knew that no matter what I looked like, and no matter what I did or didn't do, he would still love me exactly the same. And that is not something that he made me believe or that I am ignorant for believing. I know Chris better then anyone in the world, and I know that I knowt he real Chris, all the cheating wasn't the real Chris it was the front he puts on for his friends. Which is why I will never be with him as long as we are living here.
As ridiculous as this might be to everyone, it is the truth. The thing that nobody will probably ever understand is even though Chris wasn't the best guy and even though he wasn't the nicest thing in the world to me, I felt different when I was with him. He made me feel like I was a better person and like nothing else in the world mattered just because we were together.
The truth is, I hate the beginning of relationships, I hate the flirty uneasy feeling, I hate the bubbly oogling feeling and the feeling of a fresh relationship, I feel insecure about them. I love the closeness and the trust and the love and comfortablity in longterm relationships. After two years you begin to think less like boyfriend and girlfriend and more like a couple. It is hard to explain. But with me and Chris everything ran like clockwork, except for the arguing. But the arguing wasn't because of him or me, it was because of the person he was while he was on drugs. I dunno, maybe I am holding on to false memories hoping they would somehow be what they once were. Maybe tyhe truth is that we will never be the same as we used to be and we will never ever share what he used to. I love the fact that he knew me better then I knew myself. I loved how he knew exactly what I was thinking every second of everyday without me having to say anything. I love how within the first month we could go to a resturant and he could order for me without me even looking at the menu. He understood my crazy psychotic notions, he challenged me, he made me laugh, and he made me feel like no one has ever been able to do before and probably never will be able to.
If i found someone else that I could feel that safe and comfortable with right away, iw ould not hesitate to marry them in an instant. Perhaps what I need is a bestfriend that already knows me as well as I know myself and that I already feel comfortable with. I think above all that might be it. I am not sure if I was really in love with chris or if I was in love with the relationship. Maybe I was in love with the longterm affect that relationships have on people. Oh god, I wish I could find someone who knew me as well as he did. I doubt I ever will.... that's life.
As ridiculous as this might be to everyone, it is the truth. The thing that nobody will probably ever understand is even though Chris wasn't the best guy and even though he wasn't the nicest thing in the world to me, I felt different when I was with him. He made me feel like I was a better person and like nothing else in the world mattered just because we were together.
The truth is, I hate the beginning of relationships, I hate the flirty uneasy feeling, I hate the bubbly oogling feeling and the feeling of a fresh relationship, I feel insecure about them. I love the closeness and the trust and the love and comfortablity in longterm relationships. After two years you begin to think less like boyfriend and girlfriend and more like a couple. It is hard to explain. But with me and Chris everything ran like clockwork, except for the arguing. But the arguing wasn't because of him or me, it was because of the person he was while he was on drugs. I dunno, maybe I am holding on to false memories hoping they would somehow be what they once were. Maybe tyhe truth is that we will never be the same as we used to be and we will never ever share what he used to. I love the fact that he knew me better then I knew myself. I loved how he knew exactly what I was thinking every second of everyday without me having to say anything. I love how within the first month we could go to a resturant and he could order for me without me even looking at the menu. He understood my crazy psychotic notions, he challenged me, he made me laugh, and he made me feel like no one has ever been able to do before and probably never will be able to.
If i found someone else that I could feel that safe and comfortable with right away, iw ould not hesitate to marry them in an instant. Perhaps what I need is a bestfriend that already knows me as well as I know myself and that I already feel comfortable with. I think above all that might be it. I am not sure if I was really in love with chris or if I was in love with the relationship. Maybe I was in love with the longterm affect that relationships have on people. Oh god, I wish I could find someone who knew me as well as he did. I doubt I ever will.... that's life.