(no subject)
I'm so lucky I'm all drugged up right now, or else I'd be in a fucking mental institution. A few weeks ago my mom and grandma asked me to move in with them, because they're both really sick and can't take care of themselves. I'd already been coming over everyday, so I figured I should just move in. About a week ago my grandma got really sick with a 104 temperature. We tried to take her to the hospital ourselves, but ended up having to call an ambulance. She's been in the hospital ever since... They thought she had pneumonia.. but now after she's been in intensive care for 3 days, they say it's not pneumonia.. they don't know what it is. They put her on a breathing machine, and she had to make the decision before how long she'd want to be on it before we turned the machines off... she said no longer than one week. I'm so fucking scared. My grandma is my everything. I'm in her house now, which is really hard... I went through a few days of panic attacks before my doctor finally gave me some valium. I still can't get a deep breath, but no more bad panic attacks. I have family members in town who I haven't seen in years... I told my mom, if I'm ever on my deathbed, I do not want people who hadn't given a shit about me before I was sick to even be close to me. Just stay the fuck away. This has been the worst like... 6 months of my life. I feel like there's just this huge black cloud following me. This is a time when I really need my friends around me... and it's also when I'm realizing (once again) who my true friends are. Unfortunately, I can't say I have many. The ones I thought would be there have been FAR from it. I just keep learning more and more that I can't trust anyone... I know I would be there for them. I don't know why friendships aren't 50/50. Especially *best* friends. Riiiight....