Cancun.
While I was on vacation, I wrote in my notebook. So I'll transcribe here and use LJ-cut to organize the shiet. Just warning, it's gonna be long. But I write in this thing for my own memory... so the choice you are about to make in reading this... is yours. I am not responsible for wasting your time, thank you. =] Love you, friends!
Day 1 (8/19)
"Mess with People."
We woke up ultra early in the morning and left the house by 4pm. Uncle Frank drove us to the airport, and we waited in line after line until we finally were able to wait in the lobby to board our plane. We stopped over at Texas, then from Texas, we flew to Cancun, Mexico. It's been a long day. We're in a foreign country, and I know very minimal Spanish. Thank you, Bishop Amat for preparing me so well for the world. I hope this vacation goes well. I REALLY hope this vacation goes well.
"Do you mess with people?" I asked a friend while we were first starting to get to know each other.
He responded with a skeptical, "Uh.. mess with people?"
Realizing it was probably a question that made me seem ultra manipulating and possibly evil, I said, "Well... not MESS with people..."
"Just... mess with people, huh?"
"Hahaha... nooo let me explain."
On vacation this past week, I remembered how I like to "mess" with people. But it's not bad... at least I don't think it is.
I like to interact with people a certain way and observe how they react to me.
I like doing it especially with strangers. I smile at a certain time or laugh at a joke more wholeheartedly and I get amused or excited when other people start to smile or laugh, as well.
My sister and I were sitting next to this guy on the plane. When my sister and I hang out or whatever, we make fun of each other. It's hard to ignore. So when I started making fun of Kat for not being able to put the airphone back into its place, this guy started laughing, too. It was cute. Haha. He was pretty tight. By the end of the flight, he offered us gum to chew as the plane landed. Nice people are awesome.
I love contagiousness.
Well, sometimes.
I was standing in line at another airport, and this lady farther down the line started yelling at some other lady out of impatience and anger. I felt all that negative energy coming through me, and I got upset that it affected me that much. Stupid people annoy me. I started feeling agitated, and I started giving my own family attitude after that. I needed time to cool down, and when I finally did, I decided to smile more at strangers to hopefully brighten their day or see how open they are.
See, this is what I mean when I say I "study" myself. I see where my comfort level is in certain situations, or with certain people. Then, I observe others' moods and attitudes and how it all affects me. Little things like that matter to me. They're the things I pay close attention to. But that's not to say that I don't miss things once in a while. Attitudes surely are contagious. So make sure whatever yours is... it's worth catching.
Day 3 (8/21)
"Weak support."
So... I love my Dad. But the thing is, he totally doubts me. He knows that I'm involving myself in a lot of things, but everytime I try having conversations about them, it's like he doesn't care. He'll cut in, or at the end of my stories, he'll say, "Keep your extracurriculars at a minimum," or, "Make sure you focus on your schoolwork." And he says all this with skepticism inherent in his words. I try to reassure him that I've got it all down and that I'll be alright, but he still doesn't believe me. It's so frustrating and discouraging. Here I am, trying to have a good time, talk a little with my parents... and... ah, I don't know.
It kinda sucks when you go to someone for support or at least a little bit of understanding, and you're left hanging. And it doesn't help that at this point, I don't even know how I'm gonna get through all of this. I feel overwhelmed, excited, scared... and it's like a carousel of these three emotions rising up and descending at any given point. It sucks when the people you need the most support from... the most trust... can't give it to you.
But when times get this way and I feel like this, I'll just trust Him through my storm. I know this year will make way for a lot of stress. But I want God to use me. And I know that as long as this is for Him, I'll be alright.
"I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me." -Philippians 4:13
I wrote more on this day on a separate topic, but I've just decided to omit that from this entry. Maybe later, maybe later.
Day 4 (8/22)
"Be Grateful."
Wake-up calls are ridiculously loud in this room. But since the people on the other end are nice, I feel like I have to act friendly, too. Haha.
So I've been in Mexico for three days now, and although I enjoy the suite, the good, the good service... everything here makes me feel so guilty. I mean, here we are, in this third world country, enjoying 'paradise' where the people who make it feel as such go home at the end of the day to a home that's not even a quarter as nice as the living quarters here at this resort. They have to act so courteous to us, serve us, speak to us in our language... when we don't even have the audacity to learn about theirs.
I don't think I ever get to enjoy vacations as much as my family does. I worry about wasting money, I worry for other people doing shit that I can do for myself. I get uncomfortable when people do things for me. I even get embarrassed. when people pull my chair out for me. That's why it always takes effort from me to ask people... even friends... for favors. So if you have ever done me a favor and feel like you weren't appreciated, you can't be more wrong.
I think underlying all my feelings of awkwardness when people try to serve me is that I don't think I deserve anything. It isn't any depressing type of thing... it's just a part of the beliefs I've gathered for myself over time.
Last summer, this belief of mine really solidified. It was one of those rare times I was praying with my whole heart. I don't know how many of you know what I'm talking about when I say that, but it's as if in that time, you are kneeling before God, no shields. And all of your own attributes that bring you shame... all your vulnerabilities are placed on the table. And the thing that's so powerful about that, is that although you stand essentially naked before Him, head bowed in shame, He still cared enough to lift you up. He can take what you hate most about yourself and help you to change. And He'll love you nonetheless.
I have this thing with not wanting to ask God for favors without thanking him first for all my blessings. And this night was the first night in a long long while that I had even prayed or even was able to say, "Hi" to God. Last summer was one of joy, sorrow, births, deaths, farewells, violence, and so much questioning. That was back when I listened to the problems of others and couldn't separate them from my thoughts. I always used to make the problems of my relatives and friends my own. But that problem with that is none of us is that strong.
So this night, I started to pray. I had about five differend things in my life in queue to pray for. But that night, as I started to thank and praise God for everything He had already blessed me with... I started to realize. I have done nothing to deserve any of it. I mean... what makes me different from everyone else in the world who have it so much worse than me? Sure, I wanted my Aunties to be cured of cancer. I wanted their operations and treatments to go well. I wanted my parents to understand my sister. I wanted them to understand me. I wanted disputes in the family to be settled. I wanted more time to spend with friends. I wanted to find some sort of direction in life... I wanted... a lot. But I was looking at everything I already had: a family who loves me. Friends who care about me. Good health. A nice home. The bed I was lying on, the food I had that day, the thousand-plus dollar education I'm receiving, my clothes... everything I take for grated on a daily basis... and I was put to shame. It was like returning to a good friend to ask for help when I hadn't shown genuine gratefulness or even acknowledgement of what was already given to me.
So I praised and thanked God in tears for all my blessings. And since then, He has opened my eyes to at least a glimpse of His amazing work in my life.
"Honesty and Masterpieces."
I have this thing with not liking to cry in front of people. Even when I say, 'goodbye' to good friends, I can't cry in front of them... even though later, I might release the tears in the privacy of my own room. I think it takes a while for me to actually cry in from of new friends, too. I have to trust them completely to make myself that vulnerable. I hate crying. It makes me feel weak. And I hate feeling weak... at least emotionally. There's nothing really productive in crying, anyway, right? It doesn't bring the dead back to life, it doesn't heal relationships, it doesn't make the bad things in life go away.
Tears, to me, are honest. Crying is okay for frustration, but cry-whining gets zero respect from me.
Anyway. That was a tangent. It leads to a whole other subject of discussion that I choose not to write about at this time. What I'm trying to get at is this: If you ever catch me crying, or if I happen to cry around you, you must be pretty damn special. As a matter of fact, only one person so far from UCR has seen me really cry. One.
I think that's why I enjoyed acting in PCN so much. I was able to take things I've already felt, myself... and make them come alive somehow through my character. I think that's why art is so important. It's for people to channel whatever they happen to think or feel into some sort of masterpiece.
Whenever I go to museume, I always tend to take a longer time looking at the pieces. I imagine what the artist was thinking, what he or she was feeling at the time. I look at the way they utilized their medium, the broad and detailed strokes, the precise way in which they constructed their work. And I appreciate it a lot more. That's why I always watch commentary and special features to DVD movies I have... or I like to break music down in my mind to every instrument, every beat, every element added to the piece... and then I stand in awe at how it all came together to create something so great. When I come across someone's work, I look at it as a piece of them. That's why I've always been reluctant to share a piece of me with others. Because I can never control how others see me. I can only control how I portray myself, and hope that somehow... someone can understand somewhat where I'm coming from.
Day 5 (8/23)
"Getting Lost."
We got lost in Mexico today. It was pretty hilarious. All through this vacation, I've been laughing at everything that's gone wrong. I love it. And if you know me, you know that I hate getting lost. So being lost in another country is really NOT my favorite.
I'm so anal about knowing where I am at all times and what direction I'm going. Before I drive anywhere new, I check directions on Mapquest, and double-check them in my Thomas Guide, aka: My Driving Bible. =) IF I have enough time before leaving, I also check alternate routes and sidestreets. Haha ew I'm such a nerd.
I don't like getting directions from people who say things like, "Turn left at the 7-eleven, go straight until you pass the park, and turn right at the small street... etc." Uhh.. NO. Street names, please.
Getting lost... is not a good one.
One of my least favorite things is making U-turns. U-turns are stupid. They mean you made a mistake or you don't know what you're doing. Hmph.
Day 6 (8/24)
"Xcaret."
Today we went to Xcaret. It's this zoo/sea world/park thing here in Mexico. It was really fun. We spent the entire day there. In the morning, Kat and I went snorkeling there. My parents don't know how to swim, so they didn't come with us. On the boat, we met this guy named Kenny who was in Cancun alone. He was cool to talk to. He said we should try snuba, which is like scuba diving and snorkeling. He said it's like a whole different world being down there. Snorkeling doesn't compare because you have to stay on the surface of the water. He was from New York, and he liked snuba so much, he became licensed to scuba dive after. When he came to Mexico again, he got a certificate so that he can go scuba diving at NIGHT! Dangg I want to scuba dive. That'd be freakin tiiight.
Snorkeling was fun, though. I touched a sea urchin, and a sting ray and a brittle starfish walked on my hands. I was laughing in my head because we learned about those animals in Bio 5B. All I kept thinking was... Phylum Echinodermata, bilateral and radial symmetry... HAHA freakin bio major.
Side note: I really like the New Yorker accent. It's cute. Haha.
After that, My dad, my sister and I went swimming in this underground river. It was fun. The caves were dark, dude. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Haha.
We also went to this one show at Xcaret... It was really good... It showed pretty much the progression through history of the Mayan people to Spanish colonization to their Mestizo population of today. Lots of music, dancing and so forth. It was like a culture night, but a lot more interpretive and elaborate. Good show.
It was a long, good day today.
While we were sitting and resting at the park, there was a sign on the wall that said something along the lines of, "Even paradise has its imperfections. We apologize for any inconvenience you may encounter." I meant to take a picture of it, but I forgot.
"Even paradise has its imperfections."
Very good.
Day 7 (8/25)
"The Last Day."
Today, went to Cancun and shopped for pasalubong. It was like downtown LA. I hate when my parents bargain. I mean... I know it's necessary and that the products are priced for bargaining... but ah, I don't know.
After Cancun, we drove two hours to the Mayan ruins of Chichen Itza. It was cool to see the ruins up close and imagine the Mayans way back in history there at the center of their civilization. It's funny visiting places you've only studied and seen pictures of in textbooks. Too bad it was raining on and off when we went to Chichen Itza. We took pictures, anyway, of course. =)
We went back to our hotel/resort... and packed for our flight the next day. Kat and I stayed up since we were supposed to leave the hotel at 3a.
Day 8 (8/26)
"Airports and Family."
My family and I got up at around 2a and got ready for the airport. We packed the last of our things and left the hotel at exactly 3a. We arrived at the airport at about 4a just because we had to return the car. We were the second ones in line. Haha. We waited for the booth things to open, where we obtained our tickets and checked in our luggage. We made friends with the lady in front of us and the couple behind us in line. We were all tired. Our flight left Cancun at 7a. I totally knocked out on the plane. We arrived in Houston at 9a. We waited at George Bush Intercontinental Airport for three hours until our flight back to Los Angeles at 12:10p.
Heightened security sucks. They had to make the old ladies in their wheelchairs stand up and walk through the metal detectors. It was freakin sad watching them.
There were stupid people boarding the plane with us, too. Hello, Genius.. don't bring your freakin' $200+ makeup in your carry-on, because they will confiscate that shiet and throw it away. Effing dumbass. Totally wasted my time... because of course only female TSAs can pat down females... And there was only one female TSA where we boarded our plane. Yeah thanks.
Three hour plane ride back to LA.
I'm delighted to be back home.
My sister and I rested for about 2 or 3 hours, then we went to Arleen's birthday party in Cerritos. It was good seeing the rest of the family. We haven't seen them in such a long time. My cousins and I went to Guppy's and got some shaved ice to go. It was my first time trying that madness. Good stuff. I bonded again with the cousins.
Tyler is getting soo big. The two boys... Marlon & Kevin... are growing so tall now, holy shiet. Their freakin voices are getting deeper... HAHA. And Kevin is going to be a football player this year... his freshman year of high school. I can't believe they're both in high school already. Aileen has already started driving! I saw her backing out of the driveway, and I was like... what the heck is going on here?! HAHA.
Ate Irene and I were totally trippen because we don't feel "cool" anymore cuz these high school kids are too cool now. They don't come and talk to us as much because we're old and shiet.
Haha but it was cool because at one part of the night, Mar and Kev came to talk to Ate Irene and I... and we cracked jokes and talked about how they both should not sign up for the Army. Haha. It's awesome... both of them want to go far... they want to go to college and get good jobs. I'm so proud of them. They want to go to college. =) I'm not worried about them. We helped bring them up well. They're good guys.
After the party, Kat and I followed Ate Irene down to Long Beach, and we chilled at Denny's and talked more. I drove home at around 1a... totally sleepy. Knocked out right away.
Anyway, those are like... my blogs for the entire week and their titles. Haha. It's good to be home. So good to be home.