self-defense.
Wow.
So I guess I never really know that I feel like shiet until the tears start coming out of my eyes.
I don't remember the last time someone made me cry.
And I question myself now:
Why couldn't I stand up to you?
I've stood up in many different situations in my life so far.
But today, I couldn't.
What happened to me?
Have I become a coward through one event of idle passiveness?
I swore to myself a long time ago that I wouldn't let anyone take advantage of me, treat me like shit, pressure me to do anything I don't want to do, etc. And amazingly, I got through two years of college on that same promise.
But here I am today, feeling like a complete idiot. Because I don't know how to stand up to this.
I'll admit it. I'm scared.
Of what?
I don't know.
...I don't know anything anymore.
I guess I never really knew anything in the first place.
It's interesting... this... letting-myself-down thing.
I didn't know it was possible to feel as if I'm regressing.
I feel like I've been thrown into relapse after slowly figuring out what my life was about.
The thing with defining yourself to be one thing is that you have to continuously define yourself to be so every day.
And today I failed.
Today.
Today I learned that I'm not nearly as courageous as I once hoped myself to be.
But that's fine.
Because it reminds me that the courage never came from me in the first place.
I guess sometimes we need to let ourselves down to realize when we need to pick ourselves up.
"No one should be treated like that," a good friend said. "You have to defend yourself."
It's so interesting, because that's what I thought I did every day of my life.
I defend myself.
I work so hard not to be seen. I guess it's my form of self-perservation. Don't let others read you, or they will try to judge you for something you are not.
I guess that's been my mentality. I let people get to know me just enough. Just enough so that they can validly say that they know me.
The thing is, I keep about 60 percent of myself hidden. Just because I'm a mystery to myself, as well.
Today I discovered another weakness. That of intimidation.
And it pisses me off, because in the past, I was so easily intimidated.
I thought I was slowly letting go of that, but today slapped me in the face.
And here is the battle. My battle with myself.
You intimidated me.
Congratulations.
Now let me see if I can stop being afraid of you.
So I guess I never really know that I feel like shiet until the tears start coming out of my eyes.
I don't remember the last time someone made me cry.
And I question myself now:
Why couldn't I stand up to you?
I've stood up in many different situations in my life so far.
But today, I couldn't.
What happened to me?
Have I become a coward through one event of idle passiveness?
I swore to myself a long time ago that I wouldn't let anyone take advantage of me, treat me like shit, pressure me to do anything I don't want to do, etc. And amazingly, I got through two years of college on that same promise.
But here I am today, feeling like a complete idiot. Because I don't know how to stand up to this.
I'll admit it. I'm scared.
Of what?
I don't know.
...I don't know anything anymore.
I guess I never really knew anything in the first place.
It's interesting... this... letting-myself-down thing.
I didn't know it was possible to feel as if I'm regressing.
I feel like I've been thrown into relapse after slowly figuring out what my life was about.
The thing with defining yourself to be one thing is that you have to continuously define yourself to be so every day.
And today I failed.
Today.
Today I learned that I'm not nearly as courageous as I once hoped myself to be.
But that's fine.
Because it reminds me that the courage never came from me in the first place.
I guess sometimes we need to let ourselves down to realize when we need to pick ourselves up.
"No one should be treated like that," a good friend said. "You have to defend yourself."
It's so interesting, because that's what I thought I did every day of my life.
I defend myself.
I work so hard not to be seen. I guess it's my form of self-perservation. Don't let others read you, or they will try to judge you for something you are not.
I guess that's been my mentality. I let people get to know me just enough. Just enough so that they can validly say that they know me.
The thing is, I keep about 60 percent of myself hidden. Just because I'm a mystery to myself, as well.
Today I discovered another weakness. That of intimidation.
And it pisses me off, because in the past, I was so easily intimidated.
I thought I was slowly letting go of that, but today slapped me in the face.
And here is the battle. My battle with myself.
You intimidated me.
Congratulations.
Now let me see if I can stop being afraid of you.