(no subject)
with all things considered i think i am going to be okay. even if its just for a little while. i have come to this assumption because i started to do something i haven't done in a long time. a really long time. i started to write and sketch again, just like the old days when i knew/thought i knew what was going on. this is making me happy, even if its only for a short while until reality comes back to smack me in the face once again.
i'm not going to try and fool myself, i know that i will realize how miserable i really am and i will stop writing and sketching. i will shortly thereafter box up my charcoals and put away my notebooks. and i'll wish i had the inspiration to write and sketch again. then i will cry myself to sleep most nights when i actually have something left to give at the end of the day.
i just wish i could find what i am looking for. but i can't. i know what i want, and i know who i want, but they arent here anymore. and i don't think they ever will be. they found what they are looking for and they are happy. and i want to be happy for them, but i'd be lying if i said i was. the truth is i dont want to be happy for them because that would mean that i accept the fact that they moved on. and i really don't think i'm ready for that.
hmmm...i just dont fucking know anymore.
i'm not going to try and fool myself, i know that i will realize how miserable i really am and i will stop writing and sketching. i will shortly thereafter box up my charcoals and put away my notebooks. and i'll wish i had the inspiration to write and sketch again. then i will cry myself to sleep most nights when i actually have something left to give at the end of the day.
i just wish i could find what i am looking for. but i can't. i know what i want, and i know who i want, but they arent here anymore. and i don't think they ever will be. they found what they are looking for and they are happy. and i want to be happy for them, but i'd be lying if i said i was. the truth is i dont want to be happy for them because that would mean that i accept the fact that they moved on. and i really don't think i'm ready for that.
hmmm...i just dont fucking know anymore.