things
So things have changed. I just read my last entry which was about two months ago, and I see that even then Jake was pissing me off and that's funny. We're not together anymore. Let me tell you how it went.
Since August, we started a bumpy finale to our relationship. Its not that things went terribly sour, or that we didn't love each other anymore, its just that it all changed. Drastically, I think. He had just started his big, awesome, full-time job as a car audio guy at HD-Audio, which was a good 40 minute drive from his home, and then he started college. He was just really stressed out. I'm not really making excuses for him, because I realize that lately I've been doing that. But really, if he cared enough he could have handled it. Although I hesitate saying that, because if I were in his shoes, I must admit the financial shortage and stress would have made me want space too, I suppose. Anyway, we argued excessively, and when school started I saw him one day (two if I was lucky) a week, which really did bother me, but I grinned and beared it, because I realized he was working hard and the drive to the new house was far. But by October, I didn't even enjoy our kisses and that really shocked me. Because I love kissing. I love it. I love lips, the feel of it, the taste of someone else. Its just so beautiful, one of the most special things in a realtionship I think. Aside from his sweet personality and caring, I cherished it the most. So, when I didn't enjoy it anymore, even sometimes dreading it (which is terrible I know, but that only happened when he was absolutely a little dickface), I knew something was really wrong. Really.
And I believe the reason for that was, he became so very wrapped up in his own business, that he was not concerned with mine anymore. He wanted me as a safety net; someting he come to on Sundays and sit and watch a movie without any stress and not even worry about me. It may sound selfish, but to be perfectly honest, we were both in the relationship. We both deserved to be listened to, cared about, and relaxed. And he was the only one acheiving that. He used to be so wrapped up in me and it was almost too much, and then it all changed so fast. It was weird, and I knew it wasn't right.
So I called him and had a very disheartening "friends" talk. But he seemed alright with it. And I hated that. That is what killed me.
But for about a week we still called each other (well, really, I called him, hanging on to the last few threads of the relationship). I decided I did love him (and I do) and that we shouldn't throw it away. So I asked him to be with me again. After a dragged out phone call of his refusal, I haven't talked to him since. It was really hard at first. Mostly the rejection, and then the lonliness. That comfort, that fallback I once had, had vanished. And it felt very weird and wrong, and I really struggled with it. But now, I really feel better. Whether we get back together or not is something else, but honestly, we won't. We can't. He is a different person now, in a sense that he is finding himself, and that transition stage is a tough one to deal with. And when he does find himself, I would rather remember him how I fell in love with him, for fear that he will be someone I never could love.
And I'm different too. I was completely torn up that first month without him, but I really needed the time. Although I haven't undergone some revelation, I do feel like now I can learn to love myself, and become a mature woman who appreciates herself and will push herself to be a better person. And I know he always loved me. He really did. And I love him, he is a great person. But at this point, we're not right for each other.
Since August, we started a bumpy finale to our relationship. Its not that things went terribly sour, or that we didn't love each other anymore, its just that it all changed. Drastically, I think. He had just started his big, awesome, full-time job as a car audio guy at HD-Audio, which was a good 40 minute drive from his home, and then he started college. He was just really stressed out. I'm not really making excuses for him, because I realize that lately I've been doing that. But really, if he cared enough he could have handled it. Although I hesitate saying that, because if I were in his shoes, I must admit the financial shortage and stress would have made me want space too, I suppose. Anyway, we argued excessively, and when school started I saw him one day (two if I was lucky) a week, which really did bother me, but I grinned and beared it, because I realized he was working hard and the drive to the new house was far. But by October, I didn't even enjoy our kisses and that really shocked me. Because I love kissing. I love it. I love lips, the feel of it, the taste of someone else. Its just so beautiful, one of the most special things in a realtionship I think. Aside from his sweet personality and caring, I cherished it the most. So, when I didn't enjoy it anymore, even sometimes dreading it (which is terrible I know, but that only happened when he was absolutely a little dickface), I knew something was really wrong. Really.
And I believe the reason for that was, he became so very wrapped up in his own business, that he was not concerned with mine anymore. He wanted me as a safety net; someting he come to on Sundays and sit and watch a movie without any stress and not even worry about me. It may sound selfish, but to be perfectly honest, we were both in the relationship. We both deserved to be listened to, cared about, and relaxed. And he was the only one acheiving that. He used to be so wrapped up in me and it was almost too much, and then it all changed so fast. It was weird, and I knew it wasn't right.
So I called him and had a very disheartening "friends" talk. But he seemed alright with it. And I hated that. That is what killed me.
But for about a week we still called each other (well, really, I called him, hanging on to the last few threads of the relationship). I decided I did love him (and I do) and that we shouldn't throw it away. So I asked him to be with me again. After a dragged out phone call of his refusal, I haven't talked to him since. It was really hard at first. Mostly the rejection, and then the lonliness. That comfort, that fallback I once had, had vanished. And it felt very weird and wrong, and I really struggled with it. But now, I really feel better. Whether we get back together or not is something else, but honestly, we won't. We can't. He is a different person now, in a sense that he is finding himself, and that transition stage is a tough one to deal with. And when he does find himself, I would rather remember him how I fell in love with him, for fear that he will be someone I never could love.
And I'm different too. I was completely torn up that first month without him, but I really needed the time. Although I haven't undergone some revelation, I do feel like now I can learn to love myself, and become a mature woman who appreciates herself and will push herself to be a better person. And I know he always loved me. He really did. And I love him, he is a great person. But at this point, we're not right for each other.