I Would Take A Whisper (If That's All You Had To Give) - (5/9)
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“Oh my god,” Eduardo says to Rosie as he starts the car and pulls out of the Facebook parking lot, “Oh my god, Rosie, what do I do?”
“No,” she responds from the children’s car seat behind him.
“Rosie that is not an answer! Jesus, how did this even happen?” He groans. “Rosie am I going mad? Am I an actual crazy person?”
“No,” she says again.
“That would feel a lot more reassuring if you knew what I was saying but I appreciate that.” He rests his head on the steering wheel as he stops at some traffic lights, “Oh God, oh God, oh God, I want to kiss Mark, Rosie. Why do I want to kiss Mark?”
She giggles.
“This is not funny! Jesus, what does this mean? Do I just want to kiss him because he’s attractive...oh my God I can’t believe I just called Mark attractive...or do I want to kiss him because I...because I like him?”
He turns to look at Rosie and she just blinks back.
“Nothing from you? Really? You have no input?”
“No.”
“Oh, you are useless.” He sighs and spends the rest of the drive in silence.
He tries so hard to think back to every interaction he ever had with Mark back in Harvard. Had he just not been paying attention to his own feelings? Eduardo had always thought himself pretty in tune with himself, perfectly sure of his own emotions, but now? Now he can’t help second guess every single second he’s ever spent with Mark.
He’d loved Mark back in Harvard, that much he already knew but....love love? It can’t have been. He had girlfriends in college, girlfriends he was attracted to and Mark, Mark was always just his best friend. He’d never once thought about how he’d feel, how he’d taste, how he’d look spread, pale against Eduardo’s sheets...
Eduardo slams his foot on the brakes guiltily before he runs a red light, darting a quick look to Rosalind to make sure she hadn’t, somehow, just seen what he’d been imagining.
Shit, he thinks and runs a tired a hand across his face.
Whether they are totally new or just newly found, Eduardo has some feelings for Mark which he really, really does not want.
Eduardo tries to do some work after lunch but finds himself totally unable to concentrate. He stares at the same email for at least an hour before he realises that all he’d been thinking about was Are you okay?, I’m here for you, I tried to stop you, that looks really good, I’m the guy that wants to help... over and over again, round and round his head until he can’t even stay sitting down anymore.
He wants to call Chris. He wants to call Chris more than anything in the world and he nearly throws his phone at the wall when he remembers that he can’t. Had they known? Had they known that Eduardo had had feelings for Mark before Eduardo even knew himself? Should he have realised? If Mark had turned around in his chair that day, after let’s get a drink and celebrate!, and kissed Eduardo, would Eduardo have kissed back? Would he have wanted that?
Yes, whispers a small voice in the back of his head. It sounds like Chris’s voice.
*
By the time the clock on the oven reads 11:30, Eduardo has calmed down. So he wants to kiss Mark, he can deal with that, he can ignore it. And maybe he wants, just a little bit, to pin him up against the kitchen counter and feel the smooth skin under his fucking Gap hoodie and lick a hot line up the pale column of his neck but he can lock that down, accept that it’s just a fantasy, not going to happen, unattainable.
Mark is Mark. He is rude and distant and single-minded and Eduardo does not need him in a position of power again. He broke his heart once already and that was before Eduardo even knew he had it. He won’t give it to him again. He won’t fall in love with Mark Zuckerberg.
He downs the rest of the coffee in his mug and sighs. He’d bet all his money on the fact that Mark will forget to come home at all if he doesn’t go and get him so he lifts Rosalind as gently as possible out of her crib and manages to get her safely into her car seat without waking her.
By the time they get back home it is past midnight and Mark is almost asleep on his feet. Eduardo sits him down at the kitchen table and puts a few slices of cold pizza in front of him and instructs him to eat while he puts Rosalind back to bed. It had taken surprisingly little manhandling to get Mark away from the office and Eduardo suspects it was partly the promise of food.
When Eduardo joins him at the table, Mark is a little bit more awake and almost done with the pizza.
“Jesus, Mark, this is why you need to be home for dinner. Have you eaten anything since lunch?”
Mark rolls his eyes, “No, Mom.”
Eduardo chuckles. Mark always did act like a whiny child when he was tired.
“Right, you need to go to bed. And have a shower first or your employees will avoid you even more than normal tomorrow.”
Mark doesn’t answer him, just chews his last bite of pizza thoughtfully. The corners of his mouth twitch up as he swallows, “Just like Harvard,” he says, almost fondly, and Eduardo grins across at him.
Mark considers him for a moment, his head tilted slightly to one side. “Is it really this easy?” he asks, eyes hopeful but wary.
Eduardo snorts, “Easy? Mark, neither of us has slept through the night for over two weeks and we hardly have a clue what we’re doing and - ”
“No, I mean you. Us. After everything, I mean...I never thought you’d smile at me again.” Mark shrugs and his face is impassive but his eyes, as they always do if you know how to read them, give him away.
“Nor did I,” admits Eduardo, “But then I never thought you cared enough to apologise either.” Mark looks down and Eduardo adds, “I also never thought I’d lose my two best friends and be stuck with you, in Palo Alto of all places.”
The mood change is instantaneous and Eduardo wishes he could take it back the minute he sees Mark’s face close off. He’d meant it as a joke, as banter, but perhaps it hit a little close to home.
“Mark, I was kidding, I - ”
“It’s fine.” Mark shrugs and smiles tightly. “I’m gonna go to bed. Night Wardo.”
Eduardo sighs and puts Mark’s plate in the dishwasher.
*
Something that Eduardo finds in the week and a half that follows is that having feelings for Mark doesn’t actually get in the way all that much. He begins to conclude that he really must have just been totally oblivious back in college because it is odd otherwise how quickly the feeling goes from being new and scary to just...there. It seems like it has just always been something about Eduardo, always present, always waiting and Eduardo feels like an idiot for not noticing it sooner.
It’s also weird how little Eduardo panics about it. I mean here he is, a grown man in his twenties with very confusing feelings towards his ex-best friend who he has a child with, living in the same house as said object of his desire and with absolutely no hope of ever being more than a friend, and even that is tentative right now.
And yet even as his brain refuses to decide on what he’d actually want their relationship to be if they could be more than friends, he finds himself perfectly able to just...be. It’s like he’s already accepted that Mark isn’t something he can have; like he accepted a long time ago that he can think about sucking Mark’s bottom lip between his own every time he pouts and he can think about rubbing a thumb over the frown lines on his forehead when he worries but he cannot do.
It’s not even something that commands much of his attention on the whole. It’s hard to worry over such things when there’s a demanding one year old to be taken care of and a job that keeps him pretty busy. There’s also the fact that, confusing feelings aside, Mark was first and foremost his best friend who he lost and now has back, and Eduardo is happy enough learning how to be Mark’s friend again. It’s surprisingly easy and sometimes, when they are bickering over the remote or when Eduardo is trying to coax Mark away from his laptop, Eduardo forgets that any time has passed at all between now and I need the algorithm.
He spends most of his evenings trying to get up the courage to read the letter from Chris and Dustin. He never quite succeeds.
Eduardo comes downstairs on Monday morning to find Mark on the living room floor playing with Rosalind, very half-heartedly and yawning loudly. Eduardo checks his watch and, realising he doesn’t have to leave for a while, sits down next to him on the floor, back against the couch.
Mark stops helping her slot blocks in their corresponding shapes and leans into Eduardo’s side heavily, “I’m so tired, Wardo.” he whines, making Eduardo bite his lip to keep from laughing. “She didn’t sleep at all, all night. I literally got no sleep.”
“Really? I didn’t hear her once!”
“Well no, because I stayed up with her all night.” he says impatiently. “What if she’s ill?”
Eduardo leans forward and feels Rosalind’s forehead, “No, she’s fine, temperature normal. You know if they’re crying for no reason like that you’re supposed to leave them. Otherwise they never become independent.”
Mark turns and looks at Eduardo as if he’d suggested having her put down. “But look at her! I can’t just leave her crying!”
Eduardo can’t help the bubble of laughter that escapes and he pokes Mark in the side gently, “Aw look at the great Mark Zuckerberg! A big old softie just like everyone else. Wait until the press hears you’re not an emotionless robot after all!”
“I’m not a robot.” Mark snaps as he hits Eduardo’s hand away.
“Hey, I know you’re not, Mark. I always knew.”
Mark sighs heavily and rests his head on Eduardo’s shoulder. “You never really knew, Wardo. Not properly.” He yawns widely.
“What does that mean?” asks Eduardo, twisting his head to try and look down at Mark.
“You were so good at reading me. Except for one thing. Which is ironic because it would have solved all our problems if you’d known.”
“What are you talking about? Mark?”
But Mark was fast asleep.
Eduardo twists himself round slightly, careful not to wake Mark and fits one arm under his knees and curls the other around his back. He lifts him slowly, partly so as not to wake him and partly because he is heavier than he looks and lowers him onto the couch behind them. He fits a cushion under his head so he doesn’t wake later with a stiff neck and covers him with the blanket folded on the back of the couch, even though it is probably unnecessary in this summer weather.
He shushes Rosalind with a finger to his lips and carries her out of the living room.
When he gets to the kitchen he makes a quick call to Isobel, writes ‘don’t go into work, told Isobel not to expect you. Rosie’s at work with me. Go back to sleep :)’ on a post-it and then leaves for work.
Eduardo stays at work all day, trying not to let Rosalind nap too much in case she has another sleepless night and smiling to himself every time his assistant, Ruth, cooed over something Rosalind was doing over on the leather couch.
“Oh she really is the most adorable baby I’ve ever seen, sir. How come she’s not with Mr Zuckerberg today?”
“Ruth, seriously, calling me ‘sir’ makes me feel like my father so please stop that. And she was supposed to be with him, but he was up all night with her so I thought I should let him get some sleep.”
Ruth lets out what sounds suspiciously like a squeal, “Oh my god, Mr Saverin, that’s so cute!”
“It’s Eduardo and what?”
She shrugs. “Just you two. You’re cute. She’s cute. Your whole family is cute.”
Eduardo stares at her. “Ruth, you know who Mark Zuckerberg is, right?”
“Of course I do,” she snorts.
“Right. And you still thought cute was the way to go? I think you may be the first person in the universe to call Mark Zuckerberg cute. You better hope I don’t tell him or he’ll hack into your Facebook faster than you can say ‘adorable’.”
He ignores the little voice inside of him that says he was kinda cute this morning though. It sounds suspiciously like Dustin.
She rolls her eyes. “I wasn’t calling him cute I was calling you guys together cute. I don’t know what he looks like, I have no idea whether he is cute or not.”
Eduardo shoots her a strange look and shakes his head to himself. Women find the strangest things sweet.
*
Mark doesn’t wake up until Eduardo is nearly done making pasta that evening. He comes hurrying into the kitchen rubbing his eyes and Eduardo has to work quite hard not to think cutecutecute because that just seems too weird.
“What time is it? Shit, did I miss work?”
“It’s 6:30 and relax, I called Issy and told her you weren’t coming in today. She rescheduled a couple of meetings for you.”
Mark blinks, confused, “What about Rosie?”
“I took her to work with me. She was a big hit with Ruth. I dropped her off at Issy’s afterwards so we might actually get a full night’s sleep for once!”
Mark looks at Eduardo with an unreadable expression for a few moments before he says, “Thank you,” and sits down heavily at the kitchen table.
“I’m starving.” he says, yawning. Eduardo laughs. “What?”
“Nothing.” Eduardo smiles, shaking his head and turning to dish the pasta onto plates. “Just something someone said at work.”
“Ruth?” Mark narrows his eyes at Eduardo as he puts the plates on the table and sits down opposite Mark.
“Yeah.”
“Is Ruth pretty?” Mark asks, spearing some pasta on the end of his fork.
“Excuse me?” asks Eduardo, perplexed.
Mark shrugs. “I was just wondering. Is she hot?”
“I dunno she’s...fine. What the hell, Mark?”
Mark just shrugs again, taking a bite of pasta looking satisfied.
“Good?” asks Eduardo, gesturing at Mark’s plate.
“Good,” Mark answers, and Eduardo sees the corners of his mouth twitch up as their feet brush under the table.
They end up drinking a whole bottle of wine between them and playing quite a heated game of Mario Kart after dinner, sitting side by side on the living room floor feeling pleasantly buzzed. Eduardo wins every single race and after about ten losses Mark throws down the controller in defeat.
“When the hell d’you get better than me, Wardo?”
Eduardo smirks, “Well without you to talk to they managed to suck me into playing whenever I was visiting.”
Mark turns the TV off and sighs, leaning back against the couch.
“What?” asks Eduardo, leaning back next to him.
“I did this to us. All four of us. I know it was hard for Chris and Dustin as well and it made thinks awkward for all of us and the last memory they have of us was us not speaking and you hating me and me moping around feeling miserable and I just wish they had lived to see us be friends again.” He looks up suddenly, questioningly, “We...we’re friends again, right?”
Eduardo smiles. “Yeah Mark. We’re friends again. And I never hated you. I mean, I wanted to, I was mad at you, I was heartbroken and betrayed but hate was never something I felt. Not towards you anyway.”
Mark smiles. “Sean then?”
“Yes.”
“Then is now a bad time to tell you he’s coming round tomorrow for a playdate with Rosie?” Mark asks, face blank.
Wardo’s eyes go stormy instantly. “WHAT?”
Mark smirks. “Just kidding.” and Eduardo laughs, relieved.
“Asshole.” Eduardo shoves him a little and Mark shoves him back and the wine makes Eduardo feel tingly and happy.
“Seriously though, Wardo,” Mark frowns a little, “Sean, he, I never - ”
“I know.”
“He was never you, Wardo.”
“I know, Mark.”
“I hardly see him now. After the drug bust - ”
“Mark! It’s fine! I’m not jealous of Sean anymore.”
Mark shuts his mouth and tilts his head to consider Eduardo.
“You were jealous?”
Eduardo shrugs and looks away, feeling his ears heating up slightly and hoping they don’t give his embarrassment away.
“Hey,” says Mark, almost too quiet for Eduardo to hear, “it’s okay if you were. I was jealous of Christy. That’s more pathetic, right?”
Eduardo turns to look at Mark so fast that he feels something click painfully in his neck and he winces. “What?” he breathes, staring wide eyed at Mark who closes his eyes and goes pinker than Eduardo’s ever seen him.
When he speaks he stutters slightly and Eduardo thinks he must be drunker than Eduardo is because he’s never heard Mark stutter before. “I-I mean. She got to - the time you spent with her used to be spent with me. And not just her, the Phoenix too. I wasn’t jealous that you were chosen and I wasn’t. I was worried you’d get new friends. You know, cool, handsome ones like you and that I’d be ditched and so I tried to get closer to Sean but - ”
“Did you just call me handsome?” Eduardo interrupts, and feels himself grinning wider and wider because now Mark is the pinkest he’s ever seen him.
“Wardo,” Mark says, and his voice is impatient and clipped in a way that does not fool Eduardo in the slightest, “Wardo, that really wasn’t the point of what I was saying. I was trying to explain my thought processes back then to rectify our communication issues but it’s a two person endeavour, Eduardo, and you need to listen - ”
And that’s when Eduardo kisses him.
There’s no music, no violins, and Eduardo has no idea what made him do something so impulsive, only that Mark had called him handsome and been jealous of his girlfriend and his lips were all red from the wine and his cheeks pink from embarrassment and Eduardo had found himself acting before he could even think it through.
And thank God because if he had thought it through, he would never have done it and Mark wouldn’t be gasping into his mouth right now.
Eduardo takes advantage of Mark’s open mouth to slip his tongue between his lips and the minute it meets Mark’s, Mark all but melts against him, hands sinking into Eduardo’s hair and groaning low in his throat.
Eduardo smiles and pulls away gently, making Mark whimper at the loss of contact, and Eduardo breathes a laugh. “Mark,” he whispers and feels himself smile so wide his cheeks hurt. Mark is breathing heavily and Eduardo rests their foreheads together.
“That’s partly why I was jealous of Christy,” Mark pants, his hands coming down to rest on Eduardo’s shoulders, opening his eyes slowly and smiling dazedly when Eduardo laughs, “And you are very handsome.”
“Mark.”
“You’re, you’re the most beautiful - Wardo - you’re like - ” Mark takes a breath and abruptly blinks to his senses. “Did you say heartbroken before?”
Eduardo can’t help it, he laughs out loud, throwing his head back, giddy from wine and kissing and Mark.
“Yeah, yes I did. But I didn’t really know it at the time. Mark, did you say moping?”
“Yes,” shrugs Mark, a little sheepishly. “Well, Dustin said moping. He said I was the biggest moper since the girl from Twilight. Then Chris told him that that was being harsh to the girl from Twilight because I was way worse than her and then they both laughed.” He pouts and Eduardo can’t help but lean forward and kiss him again, finally sucking on that full bottom lip and drawing a shudder out of Mark.
“Just to be clear,” Eduardo pulls away again, making Mark huff irritably, “Sean Parker is never going anywhere near Rosalind. Ever. Agreed?”
“Eduardo,” Mark says impatiently, “I will literally agree to anything right now as long as you keep kissing me.”
So Eduardo does, laughing into Mark’s mouth.
Mark’s hands are back in Eduardo’s hair almost instantly, as if they just can’t imagine being anywhere else, and Eduardo is tugging at Mark’s waist insistently, needing more and closer and now. Mark groans as Eduardo’s hands find skin under his t-shirt and he swings a leg over Eduardo’s hips so that he’s sitting in his lap, gasping as Eduardo bucks his hips up to meet his.
“Wardo - Wardo, how drunk are you?” he gasps in between frantic kisses, clearly not wanting to separate from Eduardo’s lips for any longer than absolutely necessary.
“Pretty drunk,” Eduardo pants back because Jesus he must be, he can hardly think straight.
“Same,” Mark agrees, though the sound is muffled by Eduardo’s mouth.
Wait, Eduardo thinks and he pulls away sharply. “Wait,” he says out loud, “Wait, stop, stop. We should stop.”
“No, we really shouldn’t.” Mark replies distractedly, kissing along his jaw and down his neck, stopping to suck gently at the sensitive pulse point just below his ear.
“Mmm, Mark, come on, we can’t fuck this up again. I won’t do this while we don’t know what we’re doing.”
Mark freezes then and pulls back to stare into Eduardo’s face, lips kiss-swollen and eyes suddenly guarded, “You don’t know what we’re doing?”
“Mark, please, come on, that’s not what I’m saying.”
“What are you saying?” Mark’s hands fall out of Eduardo’s hair to rest on his chest, his eyes slightly narrowed in confusion.
“I’m saying that this is big and we’ve had too much wine and I want to do this sometime when I can be sure we both mean what we say and do.”
“I always mean what I - “
“Mark,” Eduardo says firmly, removing his hands from under his shirt, “I don’t want us to fuck up again. I’ve just got you back, Mark.”
Mark’s face softens almost immediately with relief and something else that Eduardo can’t make out. He leans forward with a sigh and rests his forehead on Eduardo’s shoulder. Eduardo’s hand comes up automatically to squeeze the back of his neck. “Sorry,” Mark mutters into his shirt and Eduardo hopes it means I won’t leave again.
“I know, Mark.” Eduardo says softly. “Let’s go to bed.”
“Together?” Mark looks up hopefully and Eduardo laughs. “No, Mark, not together. Not tonight.”
“Soon?” Mark asks as Eduardo pushes him gently so that he can stand, pulling Mark up with him and holding his arm to stop him swaying.
“Soon,” Eduardo replies and his stomach twists and flutters as Mark smiles, satisfied.
Eduardo leads them upstairs, hand resting on the small of Mark’s back like it often used to, making him wonder yet again if maybe he should have seen this coming all along.
When they reach Mark’s bedroom door, Mark turns and stands on his tiptoes. He kisses Eduardo softly, chastely, on the lips and whispers, words only very slightly slurred by alcohol and sleep, “When I’m sober, remind me to tell you that I love you,” before turning and disappearing into his bedroom.
Eduardo forgets how to breathe.
*
Eduardo is woken by the sound of the doorbell and he sits up hurriedly. He regrets it almost instantly when his head throbs in protest and he brings a hand up to rub at his face, groaning.
He pulls himself out of bed and staggers downstairs to open the door, ignoring the fact that he is just in an old t shirt and a pair of faded boxer shorts. He screws his eyes up against the light from outside when he opens the door but they widen when he sees Charlotte, the social worker, standing on the doorstep.
“Eduardo! Good morning. Did I wake you?”
“No, no.” His voice is raspy from not being used yet and he grimaces, “Well yeah a little bit.”
“Well I do apologise. Can I come in?”
“Of course,” he says and stands back, gesturing towards the living room. “I’ll just go and get Mark.”
“S’okay, I’m up, I’m up,” Mark says from behind him, hurrying down the stairs in jeans and pulling on a t shirt.
Charlotte looks between them, eyes narrowed and leads them into the living room. Once they are sitting down she asks, “Where’s Rosie?”
“Mark’s assistant took her for the night.”
“Right,” she says, eyes darting between the two. “And so I assume you took advantage of having the house to yourselves?”
“Uh, there was some wine,” Eduardo mutters sheepishly and scratches the back of his neck. Mark just shrugs.
“Wine.” Charlotte repeats slowly, then sighs, “Gentlemen, please tell me that nothing happened last night.”
“What - ” Eduardo starts.
“Between you two. I recall you telling me, in no uncertain terms, that there’s nothing - ”
“No!” Eduardo says, too loudly and it makes his head hurt. “No,” he says, quieter, “of course not! We just had dinner, got tipsy and went to bed, Jesus.” He huffs an incredulous laugh and Charlotte seems to relax.
“Okay, good. I was worried for a minute what with the hangovers and the...you know...” she waves vaguely towards them and Eduardo just laughs and shakes his head reassuringly, hoping that it is only in his own head that it sounds a little forced. “Well I guess I’ll leave you to it then, I don’t think either of you are in great mind for a conversation. When are you going to get Rosie?”
“I’ll get her when I go to work,” says Mark in a tone that makes it clear he doesn’t appreciate her questioning.
She nods and stands up, “Okay well I’ll be in touch soon, I really do need to see you with her to really know how it’s going. I suggest you both have some coffee before you go and get her.” She smiles good naturedly and leaves quietly, as if she’s trying not to make any loud noises. Eduardo appreciates it, though his head is already starting to clear. He hadn’t been that drunk after all.
When Mark speaks it sounds cold and slightly dangerous. “You know what, have the whole day at work, Eduardo. I’m gonna stay in the office with Rosie.” And he leaves before Eduardo can even work out what just happened.
By the time Eduardo arrives at his own office, apologising to Ruth for being so late, he has decided to ignore Mark’s weird departure until he knew for certain something was up. There is a high chance that Eduardo is just over thinking things due to his own internal panic about last night.
He kissed Mark last night. He kissed Mark and Mark had kissed back. Very enthusiastically. And then pretty much asked for sex. Which, okay, Eduardo does not need that thought in his head right now when he is trying to work.
But that’s not even what has Eduardo staring blankly at his computer screen, unable to take a single word in and turning his phone over and over in his hand reminding himself he can’t call Chris.
Remind me to tell you that I love you.
Had he meant it? Had he been too drunk to know what he was saying? Eduardo had never known Mark to be too drunk to know what he was saying and he doesn’t know whether this makes him feel better or worse. It was fine when the thought of kissing Mark, of touching Mark, was just fantasy and speculation. Something he could think about almost wistfully but not actually worry about actually happening. Now he has no idea what to do. Does Mark want something more than just drunken fumblings? Does Eduardo? Dustin’s voice says yesyesyes but Chris’s warns you know that he can break your heart.
Eduardo’s Chris voice is right, of course. He likes being Mark’s friend again and Charlotte has a point, there’s no way a relationship with Mark would end well. He’s been down that road before and he refuses to go down it again with even more on the line and a heart even more vulnerable. It’s not worth it. Right?
He rolls his shoulders and focuses on video calling some clients back in Singapore, steadfastly ignoring the memory of how tenderly Mark had kissed him goodnight.
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