I Would Take A Whisper (If That's All You Had To Give) - (2/9)
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Mark steps to one side to let the three of them in and Eduardo leads them into the dining room attached to the kitchen, putting Rosalind in her highchair with some blocks to play with.
All five of them sit around the table, Mark next to Eduardo and the three lawyers across from them, Jonas in the middle.
“You are Mark Zuckerberg and Eduardo Saverin?” He asks, drawing a large pile of papers out of his briefcase and setting them on the table.
“Yes.” Eduardo replies at the same time as Mark says, “Obviously.”
Eduardo shoots a glare at Mark but Mark doesn’t seem to notice. He is sitting ramrod straight and his hands are twisting underneath the table. There was once a time when Eduardo would have wanted to still them with his own hands, but now he just looks back at Jonas.
“OK, good. Now how much do you know about Dustin and Chris’s plans for Rosalind in the unlikely event she were to become an orphan?”
“Nothing.” Eduardo says, leaning forward. Mark just shakes his head in agreement.
“Okay well this definitely makes this harder to say. The thing is,” he sighs and leans forward, “the thing is, they named you as the primary guardians. Both of you. Together.”
There is a second of silence and then Eduardo laughs.
“Okay, no, you’re kidding me, right? They would not have named us together. One of us maybe, but together? No way. Are you crazy?”
“Do you really think now would be the time for lawyers to choose to have a sense of humor, Eduardo? Of course they’re not kidding,” Mark snaps, and he looks back at Jonas’s pained expression.
“What do you mean?” He asks brusquely.
“Well, I mean that their will stipulates, quite clearly, and believe me I tried to talk them out of it at the time, that in the unlikely and unfortunate event that Christopher Hughes and Dustin Moskovitz both die, full custody of Rosalind Hughes-Moskovitz is to go to Eduardo Saverin and Mark Zuckerberg and should she be under five years of age, they are to raise her together until at least then, so as to prevent her life becoming any more difficult.”
“What?” Eduardo’s voice is slightly higher than he would like. “And you think us living together won’t make her life more difficult? I am sorry but Gretchen! Surely you will back me up here!”
“Eduardo, settle down.”
“Settle down? Is no one else at this table hearing this? You want me and Mark to live together?”
“Yes,” sighs Jonas, “Here.”
“Here? In Palo Alto? In their house?” Eduardo raises a hand to run through his hair. “Jesus this cannot be happening.”
“Eduardo,” says Gretchen softly, “Eduardo, I’m sorry, but their wishes supersede any previous agreement we came to as they made their will after the settlement was finalised and they made sure to do this properly so as to avoid it becoming a problem. Sy and I are here with a new version of the settlement for you to sign so that the non-disclosure no longer prevents the two of you from speaking.”
Eduardo feels as if there’s no ground. As if he isn’t supported by anything solid and yet he isn’t falling either. He’s just there, suspended in nothing and he doesn’t know how to start moving again or which emotion to grasp for first.
Mark speaks for the first time. “Okay, so C-Chris and Dustin. They wanted us to be her guardians? Us together? They wanted us to live together?”
“Yes.” Jonas nods, looking relieved that Mark at least, doesn’t sound hysterical.
“Okay.”
“Okay?!” Eduardo rounds on Mark, “Okay?”
“Yes, Eduardo, okay.” Mark turns to look at Eduardo for the first time since they sat down and Eduardo sees anger, but also - and this time it is unmistakeable - hurt. “I’m sorry that living with me is quite so distressing, but this isn’t about you. It’s about Rosalind and she needs a stable home with both her guardians here with her. It’s also about our friends who are gone and what they wanted for their daughter, whether or not we agree with them on how sensible an idea it actually was.”
Eduardo’s jaw clenches and he holds eye contact with Mark for a few seconds before he stands abruptly. “Can I have a minute?” he asks, but he doesn’t wait for an answer. He wrenches open the glass back door in the kitchen and leans against the outside wall where they won’t be able to see him from inside.
His breathing is heavy. Live with Mark? Impossible. It’s been approximately three years since the depositions and in those three years he has seen Mark only three times. None of them have gone well. What were Chris and Dustin thinking?! Were they worried about offending one of them if they only chose one? What was wrong with leaving Rosalind to the grandparents? Surely anything would have been better than Mark and Eduardo together. Raising a baby. In the same house.
Jesus, until she was five. Four years! Eduardo let out a rather hysterical laugh. Of all the ridiculous ideas in the world.
But there’s what Eduardo doesn’t understand. Neither Chris nor Dustin is stupid. In fact, they are very much the contrary so how did they reach the decision, knowing as they did that Eduardo and Mark should not be left in the same place for four minutes - let alone four years - that they would be able to move in together and raise a baby without one of them throwing a punch. Most likely him.
Eduardo bangs his head against the wall and breathes. Palo Alto, Facebook, Mark. Is he really ready to let any of them be a part of his life again? The answer is unequivocally no, but Mark’s right (and oh how he hates to admit it). With his only real friends now gone, Rosalind is the most important person in his life and he doesn’t want to leave her. Not now and not ever. That’s not what friends or godfathers do.
Eduardo rolls his shoulders and exhales slowly through his nose, then he turns around and walks back inside.
Sy and Gretchen are talking quietly together, bent over various papers, and Jonas is sat between them nodding at whatever they’re saying. Mark is still sitting in his chair but has taken Rosalind out of her highchair and is stroking her hair softly as she sniffles against his chest and Eduardo feels a pang of guilt as he realises his sudden and angry departure must have upset her.
The lawyers fall silent as Eduardo sits back down.
“Sorry. I was just...overwhelmed.”
“That’s perfectly understandable, Eduardo. Sy and Gretchen have fully informed me of what you two have been through, as did Chris and Dustin when we first made this will and believe me, I fully understand why you may find this difficult to digest. But Mr Zuckerberg is right. Your friends chose the two of you and of course it would therefore be best if you tried to follow their wishes. However, if you find it impossible to make this work, then of course it would be perfectly within your right and even perhaps for the best, to work out a new arrangement. Until then however, we must urge you to give this a chance.”
Eduardo just nods dumbly.
“Good,” Jonas smiles encouragingly. “A social worker will pay you three unannounced visits over the next two months to assess your progress, and she will decide whether their decision is the right one for Rosalind. If you have not worked out a way to live together by then, we will meet again to discuss new arrangements.”
Eduardo just nods again, not trusting himself to speak anymore.
“Thank you,” Mark says quietly, and Eduardo can’t even find it in himself to feel shocked.
There are a few more explanations and legalities to smooth over and then they are being passed paper after paper to sign. Eduardo signs them all without a word and when they finally all stand to leave he shakes all their hands as if on autopilot.
When they get to the door, Jonas turns around and says, “There is one more thing, and I’m giving you these as a messenger, not as your lawyer.” He pulls two envelopes from the outside pocket of his briefcase and hands one to each of them. “Chris and Dustin wrote these letters when they wrote their will. It’s something I encouraged them to do after I heard about their plan to name the both of you. Of course, they thought you’d never actually have to read them and I don’t know what they say but...they wrote them so that if they were to die and you were left with Rosalind...well, maybe they will leave some clue as to why, I don’t know.”
Neither of them says anything as Jonas smiles sadly at them and leaves. Eduardo grips the envelope in his hand. Wardo it says in Chris’s neat handwriting.
He is surprised out of his stupor when Gretchen, at the last minute, pulls him into a brief but firm hug. “I’m sorry, Eduardo.” She says sincerely and, for once, Eduardo really appreciates the sentiment.
And then they’re gone.
Eduardo drifts into the living room and sinks down onto the couch, staring at the envelope in his hands.
“Are you going to read it?” asks Mark once he’s set Rosalind down on the floor and sat down on the other end of the couch.
Eduardo shakes his head, “I...no. No I - not yet.”
Mark nods but doesn’t say anything. Eduardo doesn’t look at him but he feels Mark’s gaze fixed on the side of his face. It doesn’t help. He stands quickly.
“Eduardo - “
“I don’t want to listen to this right now, Mark.”
“Shocking,” he hears Mark mutter.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Eduardo asks, rounding on Mark, temper flaring.
Mark stands, “You know what, Eduardo? If you don’t know what it’s supposed to mean, then I’m not going to tell you.”
“What are you? My mother?”
“Well seeing as you’re acting like a whiny little kid right now - “
Eduardo laughs mirthlessly, “And you wonder why I can’t stand to be in the same city as you, let alone the same house. You know what Mark? When you become the authority on how you’re supposed to act when your best friends die and leave you to raise their kid in a city that you hate with a guy who it physically hurts to be around, then you can judge me on how I’m acting, you self-important - ” He stops himself before he swears in front of Rosalind. He doesn’t want to fuck this up in the first hour.
Mark, to Eduardo’s astonishment, is looking at Eduardo as though he had physically slapped him. Shock and anger mixing with undeniable hurt, all three emotions momentarily too pronounced to hide behind his usual mask of cold indifference. Eduardo almost feels triumphant.
And as if this day couldn’t get any worse, Rosalind bursts into tears. Eduardo wonders why it doesn’t just start raining already to complete the picture.
Mark still hasn’t moved and he seems to be trying very hard not to say what is clearly on his mind but Eduardo doesn’t have the time to argue with Mark right now. He kneels down and scoops Rosalind into his arms.
“Hey, hey there, querida. Hey there, ssshhh, I’ve got you. I’ve got you, I’m sorry. Hey, I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t know what he’s apologising for. Raising his voice maybe, or the fact that she has to live with them and not the fantastic parents she was supposed to have. Whatever he’s apologising for, it doesn’t work.
“Mark,” he demands over the top of her head, “Mark, do you know if she might be hungry?”
Mark’s face is back to impassive as he shrugs, “I don’t know. Does she need changing?”
Eduardo sniffs and is relieved when he can shake his head. “No. Can you go and see if you can find some food? I don’t know when the last time she ate was.”
Mark nods and hurries from the room and it’s a testament to how much he cares about Rosalind that he doesn’t argue or even make a face. Eduardo never thought about how Mark would be as a father but he finds he’s surprised by how affectionate he can be. He tries to ignore the slightly bitter feeling that that leaves in his chest because it really doesn’t make any sense.
Eduardo gets up, Rosalind balanced on his hip and starts to bounce her gently up and down, whispering nonsense into her ear to try and sooth her. When Mark returns, they sit on the couch and Mark tries to get her interested in the spoonful of mushed up carrots he has to offer.
It doesn’t work. Eduardo’s head is starting to hurt from the noise.
“Maybe she’s tired?” suggests Mark, and the two of them head upstairs to try and settle her in her crib.
She just cries even harder.
Eduardo picks her up again and settles her until her head is on his shoulder and her arms are around his neck. He starts to sway slowly and hum quietly while stroking her hair, like he remembers Chris doing once when she was just born.
Slowly, her cries begin to peter out and she is just left hiccoughing sporadically and sniffling into his shirt. Eduardo sighs in relief and looks up at Mark. He looks exhausted and it reminds Eduardo that he hasn’t slept for over 24 hours.
“You should get some sleep,” he whispers so as not to startle Rosalind, who seems to be on the edge of sleep herself. “I need to start contacting everyone in Singapore and you should take this opportunity while she’s asleep.”
Mark looks for a second like he wants to argue, whether as a follow on from earlier or in response to the suggestion Eduardo doesn’t know, but he thinks better of it and just nods stiffly.
Eduardo lowers the sleeping child into her crib and smiles down at her but the moment he straightens up -
They both groan as she wakes and starts crying again, making insistent grabby hands in Eduardo’s direction.
Mark marches forward and lifts Rosalind out of the crib and uses the same swaying motion to silence her as Eduardo had.
“Go and make your calls. I’ll stay here with her.”
“What? No, Mark, you don’t have to do that. You really do need to get some sleep.”
“Eduardo. I’m used to not getting any sleep; I can make it the rest of the day. You need to sort things out in Singapore. Go. It’s fine.”
He isn’t even looking at Eduardo and he starts to hum tunelessly into Rosalind’s ear, successfully putting an end to their discussion.
“Thank you,” Eduardo says, wincing internally at how formal he sounds but Mark doesn’t even acknowledge he’s heard him, so he leaves them alone and braces himself for the series of difficult calls he is going to have to make.
*
The next two days pass in a weird sort of blur. Not the kind of blur that people use to describe time moving quickly just...a blur. Eduardo spends his time trying to sort out getting anything he needs desperately shipped out to Palo Alto from Singapore and making the necessary calls to transfer his work here. He knows he needs to start thinking about an office space here in California but his time is also tied up with organising the funeral and taking care of a miserable infant who seems unable to sleep through the night, all the while trying not to cry whenever he stumbles across a piece of Dustin or Chris (which is often seeing as it is their...was their house) and also trying not to let the awkwardness with Mark get in the way.
The two of them have hardly spoken two words to each other since Mark rocked Rosalind to sleep on Tuesday. Mark has been in an out of the Facebook offices dealing with replacements and PR and it is taking its toll, though Eduardo can see he is trying to hide it. He is rarely home for dinner and when he is home they take it in turns playing with and taking care of Rosalind, exchanging only the necessary small talk and nodding to each other if they pass in the hallway.
It is so wrong that Eduardo wants to scream but he also wants to keep not talking to Mark for as long as possible because he doesn’t know what he would say. This isn’t what his life should be and this weird sort of limbo they seem to be living in while they wait for the funeral seems to be making everything ten times worse.
Except Eduardo is scared that if he takes that first step into something more, if he leaves the awful bubble they are suspended in, they will just fall into something worse. He can’t bear the thought that the eggshells they are walking on could turn to glass if he isn’t careful.
When Eduardo wakes up on Friday he is relieved that he will go to bed at the end of the day with the funeral behind him. He isn’t surprised when he finds Mark already up and dressed in a dark hoodie zipped up over a wrinkled white shirt. He waits for the familiar pang of anger when he recognises the outfit from the depositions but it doesn’t come. It turns out some things are enough to occupy all your emotions and the upcoming funeral of your two best friends is one of them.
Mark offers him a coffee wordlessly as he steps into the kitchen and Eduardo nods his head in thanks. Rosalind is dressed in yellow and lifts her arms to greet Eduardo, who lifts her out of her highchair with a rather forced smile.
“Why this outfit?” Eduardo asks quietly, mostly to fill the silence.
Mark just shrugs, “I didn’t think she looked right in black.”
Eduardo swallows the newly forming lump in his throat and closes his eyes against the sudden swell of gratitude he feels for Mark at that moment because he hears what he’d left unspoken. No little girl should have to wear black for her parents.
The funeral is a rather small affair and the closest family members and friends come back to the house with Mark and Eduardo afterwards for a small buffet dinner and drinks. Mark spends the day sitting quietly on the couch, only talking stiltedly to those who try to speak to him and periodically leaning down to pick Rosalind up as she crawls by.
Eduardo, for the most part, tries to talk to everyone, aware of the fact that they must have questions regarding the accident and Rosalind. It is hard work, explaining over and over again about that night at the hospital and seeing the badly suppressed looks of shock when he explains how he and Mark would be looking after Rosalind together. What happened with Facebook is no secret, after all.
Eduardo sighs to himself. When he’d woken up this morning he had half hoped that someone, either Chris or Dustin’s parents maybe, would have volunteered to take Rosalind. It isn’t that he doesn’t want Rosalind in his life, or even that he dreads taking care of her every day, but there is still a large part of Eduardo that believes she will be better off without them as parents. God, they can hardly even talk to each other. Rosalind deserves better than that.
And so, Eduardo hopes, does he.
But now he sees that isn’t going to happen and he knows that when today is over they are going to have to actually start trying to do this and not hide behind the excuse of planning funerals and putting out fires at work.
He wishes he had someone to talk to about this. His mother would be sympathetic but she is the other side of the country and his father, well, Eduardo doesn’t want to find out what he would say. So he hasn’t spoken to either of them.
He had colleagues back in Singapore that he had been friendly with but he had always kept his distance from making any of them more than work mates. He finds himself regretting that now. Although it makes moving away a lot easier.
His eyes drift towards Mark on the other side of the room, sitting quietly on the couch, eyes downcast and hands shoved into his pockets. He looks so small sitting there and Eduardo knows that he isn’t the only one who doesn’t know who to turn to now that Chris and Dustin are gone.
He sets down his glass on the little table by his hand and silently walks across the room, averting his gaze from the snivelling aunts and miserable friends who might want to talk to him. His mother would reprimand him for neglecting his hosting duties but he finds himself unable to care.
When he reaches the couch he sits down in silence, close enough that he can feel Mark’s body heat down his left side but not close enough that their arms touch. They don’t say anything but Mark leans in, just for the briefest of moments, and their shoulders bump gently. Thank you.
Neither of them move or say a word for the rest of the evening. People start to leave soon after Eduardo stopped circulating and eventually the two of them are left alone in the house with Rosalind sleeping curled up against Mark’s legs on the couch.
The room is growing dark as neither of them bothers to get up to turn the lights on and the only sound is that of Rosalind’s gentle snuffling as she sleeps. Eventually Eduardo breaks the silence.
“Have you read your letter?”
A pause.
“No. Have you?”
“No.”
Mark sighs and strokes a strand of blonde hair from Rosalind’s forehead.
“We’re really going to have to do this, aren’t we,” says Eduardo quietly. It isn’t a question.
Mark doesn’t say anything but Eduardo nearly jumps when he feels Mark’s fingers gently brush his hand, which is resting between them. Eduardo sucks in a quiet breath but it is audible enough that Mark looks up at him. When Eduardo looks back, Mark takes his hand completely in his own and tries to link their fingers.
Eduardo thinks he is trying to be reassuring and also probably seeking some comfort for himself, but the contact sends a jolt through Eduardo and he stands abruptly, “Goodnight, Mark.” he mutters quickly and leaves for bed before either of them can say anything else.
*
He feels bad about it when he wakes up the next day. He rolls over with a sigh and wonders whether he’d been wrong to brush off Mark’s attempts to...to what? What does Mark even want? Sometimes Eduardo catches Mark looking at him with an expression that he cannot place and it feels as though he is waiting for Eduardo to make the first move. As if he wants some sign that an attempt at reconciliation would be welcome.
But Mark had never cared whether his desires were welcome before. Surely if he wanted Eduardo’s friendship back he would have said something, done something, hell, maybe even apologised. He can’t want it that badly.
Except...except there is a little part of Eduardo, a very tiny part that gets beaten down and silenced by all the years of failing to impress his father (and his best friend) that remembers the look on Mark’s face when Eduardo left the deposition room for the last time; every flicker of hurt Mark’s let slip through his impassive facade when Eduardo has brushed him off; every nervous twitch of his hands before trying to approach Eduardo and it tells him, or it tries to, that maybe Mark has been miserable these last few years too.
(Sometimes, when it is too silent and Eduardo is half way between sleeping and waking, this little part of him also remembers, I want - I want - I need you out here.)
Eduardo gets up when he hears the sound of Rosalind crying downstairs and gets dressed quickly into jeans and a fading shirt. There are some days when even he can’t be bothered with a suit.
Mark is on his laptop at the breakfast bar and Rosalind is crying in her highchair. Eduardo rolls his eyes and lifts her out.
“Has she had breakfast?” he asks.
“No food.” Mark says without even looking up or breaking his typing.
“And you didn’t think to go and get some?”
Mark shrugs, “A glitch came up with the new chat, I couldn’t leave it.”
“Mark, this is a child! You can’t just - “
“I was up with her all night, Eduardo, forgive me if I’m too tired for a trip to the supermarket right now.”
Eduardo closes his eyes and exhales. “Fine.” He says through a clenched jaw. “I’ll go. And I’m taking Rosie with me.”
He wheels around and strides out of the kitchen, ignoring Mark as he adds obnoxiously, “Good. And get Red Bull.”
Like hell will he get Red Bull.
*
By the time he arrives at the store, Eduardo is feeling a little less angry. He didn’t hear Rosalind crying in the night once and this must mean Mark had her all night. He feels a little bad, once again, for leaving so abruptly for bed.
He pushes the cart up and down the aisles one handed as he holds Rosalind balanced on his hip with the other.
“What do you think, Rosie?” He asks as he meanders down the drinks aisle, “Shall we get him the Red Bull?”
“No.” She says and Eduardo laughs.
“Are you saying that because it is one of the only words you know? Or because you are mad at him too?”
“No.”
“OK, it is definitely time you learn some new words already.” He grins and he chucks two cases of Red Bull into the cart before he can change his mind.
He spends the next few aisles of shopping trying to get Rosalind to say various words but ‘no’, ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ still seem to be all she is willing to say.
“Oh come on, querida, you can say fish. Fish. Fish.”
Rosalind just laughs.
“Babies, huh?” laughs a female voice behind him. Eduardo turns around.
The woman is leaning against her own cart, watching them curiously. She looks about the same age as Eduardo, with blue eyes and dark hair and a very pretty face.
“She yours?”
“No. Well yes, she is now, but, uh, it’s complicated.” He mentally kicks himself for not just saying yes. This is a random stranger in the supermarket for heaven’s sake!
“Sounds it.” The woman smiles, stepping forward and holding out a hand, “Rachel.” She says and Eduardo transfers Rosalind to his other hip so he can shake the proffered hand.
“Eduardo.” He replies, with a smile that actually feels genuine. Being out of the house is doing him a world of good, “and this is Rosalind. But you can call her Rosie.”
“Hi, Rosie! Pleased to meet you!” Rachel grins and shakes Rosalind’s tiny hand.
“Hi!” says Rosalind and both Eduardo and Rachel laugh.
“Well isn’t she just the cutest!” Rachel coos and Eduardo smiles proudly, “how old is she?”
“She just turned one the other day.”
“One year old! Well aren’t you just all grown up?”
Rosalind giggles as Rachel tickles her lightly under the chin. When she pulls her hand away she tucks her hair behind her ear prettily and Eduardo finds himself following the movement.
“What was it you called her? Care-ee-da?”
“Querida. It’s Portuguese. I’m originally from Brazil.” Eduardo smiles. He always likes talking about Brazil.
“Oh!” Rachel looks pleased, “I thought you must be from somewhere exotic, they don’t make men this handsome in America.”
Eduardo feels himself go pink as she smiles coyly up at him through her eyelashes. He smiles back, “You always chat up men in the supermarket?”
“Only the really hot ones with criminally adorable babies.” she grins back and Eduardo laughs. He’d forgotten what it was like to talk to someone who had no idea who he was or what had happened but wanted to talk to him anyway. It was nice.
“Look, um, you don’t have a wife or anything do you? I mean maybe I should have asked before I hit on you, I mean you have a baby and everything but you said it was complicated and I - “
“I don’t have a wife,” Eduardo smiles. “Or anything.” He adds and her nervous expression breaks into a small smile as she pulls a card from her handbag.
“Okay, then here’s my card. I’d really like to hear about this complicated story sometime. Maybe over a drink?”
Eduardo takes the offered card and nods, slightly taken aback, “Sure.” He says, smiling, “I’ll, um...sure.”
Rachel bites her lip and smiles and then with a small wave at the both of them she goes back to her cart and disappears from the aisle.
Eduardo just stands there for a minute and then turns to look at Rosalind.
“I’ve been wrong about this before, Rosie so I need your opinion: do you think she’s the type to set fire to well-intended but apparently unwanted gifts?”
Rosalind just reaches up and tugs on Eduardo’s hair, “Fish!” she says happily and Eduardo laughs.
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