Haven't Blogged About This Yet.
Well.....back in November, I received some news from my therapist/psychologist that I am seeing through a VA affiliate program, and it has I think just now perhaps sunk in. After conducting numerous tests and conferring with others knowledgeable in this area, I have been diagnosed with profound Asperger's Syndrome.
Now, some of you may not believe that, because you think "Oh, he's able to talk to me", and you would be incorrect. Anyone who has known me for any length of time(especially my best friend Derek) would be able to tell you that this hasn't always been the case for me. I have always been the oddball, or felt that way. I have always had the tendency to latch on to one or two friends at a time, and in some cases have smothered my friends to the point of alienating them. At parties I've always stayed to a corner or against the wall unless someone actively engages me in conversation. Even then I tend to talk AT the person instead of WITH them.
Occasions when I performed Rocky Horror or Hedwig were classic examples of the disconnect going on in my mind. I say this, because while I was everything I wanted to be on stage :energetic, spastic, whatever, after the show I wanted people to leave me alone and I wasn't interested in criticism. It's not that I can't take criticism(though I do so poorly) I am simply not interested in it. When I performed, I was performing for me and me alone, it didn't matter to me whether the audience was actually entertained, though they oftentimes where.
This is not to paint a bleak picture of my future or present, but to give folks close to me a better understanding of why it is sometimes hard to remain my friend. I don't say hurtful or stupid things out of malice, I just have a really hard giving an appropriate response to even the simplest questions.
I have constructed a character for myself to slip into to function socially, and it works to a great extent. I mimic my dad, my best friend, and people I admire(much like all children, though with me it is to a more full realization). This is not to say that there aren't aspects of my natural personality that are beneficial. Take for example my knowledge of obscure musical and pop culture facts dating back to the 1920s. Also, my knowledge of the JFK assassination, Marlene Dietrich, Stevie Ray Vaughan, and so on.
My steps forward from here are to attend support groups, and improve in some of my socialization skills with my therapist. I am excited to see what the future holds for me.
You know, I was made fun of in school for slurring my speech, walking/running funny, and curling up into a ball while sitting in my desk. I was given a hard time about my propensity to ride my bike long distances around town, and my stopping to stare at kids playing basketball or interacting with each other in a matter I envied . I had things thrown at me from moving vehicles while walking home while having "Spaz!""Faggot!" and "Weirdo!". To those who participated in that: now you know I couldn't HELP it, you cold-hearted fucksticks.
Without my best friend Derek Young, I don't think I'd be alive today, or at the very least not in an institution somewhere. He tolerated perhaps more crap from me than anyone, yet has stayed my number one compadre since we were 9. No one can imagine how much he means to me.
Now, some of you may not believe that, because you think "Oh, he's able to talk to me", and you would be incorrect. Anyone who has known me for any length of time(especially my best friend Derek) would be able to tell you that this hasn't always been the case for me. I have always been the oddball, or felt that way. I have always had the tendency to latch on to one or two friends at a time, and in some cases have smothered my friends to the point of alienating them. At parties I've always stayed to a corner or against the wall unless someone actively engages me in conversation. Even then I tend to talk AT the person instead of WITH them.
Occasions when I performed Rocky Horror or Hedwig were classic examples of the disconnect going on in my mind. I say this, because while I was everything I wanted to be on stage :energetic, spastic, whatever, after the show I wanted people to leave me alone and I wasn't interested in criticism. It's not that I can't take criticism(though I do so poorly) I am simply not interested in it. When I performed, I was performing for me and me alone, it didn't matter to me whether the audience was actually entertained, though they oftentimes where.
This is not to paint a bleak picture of my future or present, but to give folks close to me a better understanding of why it is sometimes hard to remain my friend. I don't say hurtful or stupid things out of malice, I just have a really hard giving an appropriate response to even the simplest questions.
I have constructed a character for myself to slip into to function socially, and it works to a great extent. I mimic my dad, my best friend, and people I admire(much like all children, though with me it is to a more full realization). This is not to say that there aren't aspects of my natural personality that are beneficial. Take for example my knowledge of obscure musical and pop culture facts dating back to the 1920s. Also, my knowledge of the JFK assassination, Marlene Dietrich, Stevie Ray Vaughan, and so on.
My steps forward from here are to attend support groups, and improve in some of my socialization skills with my therapist. I am excited to see what the future holds for me.
You know, I was made fun of in school for slurring my speech, walking/running funny, and curling up into a ball while sitting in my desk. I was given a hard time about my propensity to ride my bike long distances around town, and my stopping to stare at kids playing basketball or interacting with each other in a matter I envied . I had things thrown at me from moving vehicles while walking home while having "Spaz!""Faggot!" and "Weirdo!". To those who participated in that: now you know I couldn't HELP it, you cold-hearted fucksticks.
Without my best friend Derek Young, I don't think I'd be alive today, or at the very least not in an institution somewhere. He tolerated perhaps more crap from me than anyone, yet has stayed my number one compadre since we were 9. No one can imagine how much he means to me.