(no subject)
i'm so restless. i'm stuck between so many dualisms right now. between being so excited for graduation OR absolutely terrified; between being not worried at all that i'm single because i'm 21 and that's not old at all OR terrified that i'm the only one of my friends not in a relationship and i'll be alone forever; between wanting to work for the summer and then travel and move away for awhile OR settle down, try to start a career, and just try to get my life started; and feeling like an adult OR a child.
oh, and being really happy, OR really sad.
sometimes i just feel like things are never going to change, and i'm trapped in a vicious cycle in the way i interact with friends, males, and school/work habits. sometimes i feel really positive about it and like the world is my oyster, but lately i've just been feeling like life just isn't meant to work out for me. whenever i think i have things figured out, life throws me for a loop and everything is the mirror opposite of what it was. i guess that's what makes life interesting. things can be great, and then horrible. but, they can also be horrible,and then great. i just keep hoping for that second one. i think it's mostly a change within myself that i am looking for, but sometimes i jsut don't want to change. when i'm around groups of people i feel like i never measure up, i'm not as outgoing as i want to be, or i don't say the right things, or i can't think of anything to say at the right time. but then when i think about it, i sometimes really like the way i am, and sometimes i think everyone else just sucks. ;-) i don't know. i hate feeling discontent and really having no idea how to fix it.
i just wish the people i am waiting for phone calls for would just call me already so i could be distracted.
oh, and being really happy, OR really sad.
sometimes i just feel like things are never going to change, and i'm trapped in a vicious cycle in the way i interact with friends, males, and school/work habits. sometimes i feel really positive about it and like the world is my oyster, but lately i've just been feeling like life just isn't meant to work out for me. whenever i think i have things figured out, life throws me for a loop and everything is the mirror opposite of what it was. i guess that's what makes life interesting. things can be great, and then horrible. but, they can also be horrible,and then great. i just keep hoping for that second one. i think it's mostly a change within myself that i am looking for, but sometimes i jsut don't want to change. when i'm around groups of people i feel like i never measure up, i'm not as outgoing as i want to be, or i don't say the right things, or i can't think of anything to say at the right time. but then when i think about it, i sometimes really like the way i am, and sometimes i think everyone else just sucks. ;-) i don't know. i hate feeling discontent and really having no idea how to fix it.
i just wish the people i am waiting for phone calls for would just call me already so i could be distracted.