RP Log with wannabesurgeon | Brotherly Advice

[cantbuy_me]

It was supposed to snow later in the day, and it was freezing in London. Liam hadn't particularly wanted to go out. He was becoming like a hermit some days, staying holed up in his comfort zone. He was getting better, though. Things didn't terrify him as much as they had been. He could be out in public places without having a panic attack most days. There were still times it crept up on him and had him by the throat, forcing him into an all-out panic, but as long as he kept up the pills, he was feeling more normal in himself.

He trailed his spoon through his lentil and bacon soup as he looked out the cafe window at the darkening cloud overhead. People were relentless, though, passing by and still enjoying their shopping time with armloads of bags. He licked the back of the spoon when he looked to Sophie again with a shrug. "I don't care if it snows. Good excuse to sit around and do nothing. Then Joe might get a few days off if the uni shuts from being snowed in." He had things he could probably be doing, but he was still hovering in that realm of having not much drive. His boss at the hairdresser offered him his place on the team back, but Liam had flat out turned it down without even considering it. It was reactionary. Enough to tell him he still needed a bit more time. He wasn't going back to uni until next semester, either. He was a bit all over the place, but at least he was alive.


Sophie smirked faintly as she tore off a bit of her roll and dunked it into her own soup to soak some of it up. "I don't want to be doing nothing. I think I'm all nothing-ed out. And I know I'm driving Ethan crazy. He went out drinking with Tom the other night and he's been even quieter ever since. My husband is not a quiet man, and I am not this stupid woman that can't even snap herself out of a funk. I'm broken, Li. So I'm relieved to know that you're at least less broken. One of us needs to be functioning." She ate the now soggy bit of roll as she looked across the table at her brother. "Days like this, Ethan would pull a sicky and we'd be holed up in bed together keeping each other warm. I want to be the happy newlywed again. I miss him."

Liam shrugged. He wasn't going to point out to her that he really was still in a funk, just less of a risky one. Maybe this was just his lot now. The psychologist kept telling him he might never be how he used to be. Sex was still through the pants action. He didn't quite have the guts to let Joe touch him, even if he was touching Joe. He nearly had the balls to ask Joe for a blow job the other night, but ended up chickening out before the words reached his lips. "Well, it's not that unusual that he went out drinking, you know. He used to do that all the time with Tom. I could argue that the fact he hasn't in months meant maybe he's been stressed for months, and that the miscarriage has just compounded on it all and hit breaking point. As for the quiet, are you giving him anything to not be quiet about?" he asked.

Sophie pressed her lips together when she realised she didn't really have that much right to complain about being in a funk with her little brother. He had far more reason than she did. She reached out to squeeze his hand gently before she went back to eating her lunch. "No, it's not, but I don't think he's drinking just for fun at the moment. He's drinking to try and forget. He didn't want to be a dad. He never wanted the baby, and now it's just gone. I'm not helping. I know I'm not because I would have wanted the baby. I want to be a mum, but I'm not. And part of me feels like I failed even though I know what went wrong was a medical thing. And we haven't had sex in... fuck, forever. We can't even really kiss. It's just pecks and little kisses. So no... I don't think I am giving him reason to not be quiet. I'm sucking as a wife right now."

"Yeah, but you lost a baby, so things are going to suck whether you want them to or not. Things suck when you even lose your favourite sweater or your car breaks down. It's just more to suck this time," Liam pointed out when he put the spoon down to butter his roll. "There was never a rule book that said you guys were going to deal with this identically. Marriage is a piece of paper, it's not a bond of emotions and feelings. You're still different people. You knew that when you bought into this. You really couldn't be more different if you tried. You were never going to come out of this the same. You're grieving because you lost a baby, probably still are. Ethan grieved and then moved on because life didn't lock into that situation with him. It's over, gone. He probably needs to move on because he's more situational than emotional. You're the other way around. He rolls with what is around him, you roll with what you're feeling inside."

Sophie was listening, even if she was also looking at her phone to see if there were any text messages. That was the other thing - they're messages to each other had stopped. Everything had seemed to stop, and it just made Sophie feel more isolated. At least until the guilt kicked in and she realised it was her fault. "I know we're different, but this is just... I don't think he knows how we're ever supposed to get past this. Even I'm starting to wonder when I feel so far behind him. I'm not ready to start rolling again, but I don't want to be lagging behind forever and then wake up to realise my husband's gone."

Liam shook his head. "He won't go. He'll just keep doing what he's doing, and you'll move further and further apart until you can't even remember why you got married in the first place. He will never be the one to ask you for a divorce, though. He's told me that. He's put a lot of stock into those vows, Soph. They couldn't have had more meaning if he wrote them in blood. I mean, do you blame him for not wanting kids? Does it piss you off that he's so stuck on that?"

Sophie wet her lips as she shook her head and put down her spoon. "No, no. Of course I don't blame him for that. It doesn't even piss me off because it's not like I didn't know from the start that kids were a conditional thing. That it would take time, and that for the most part it would more be because Ethan promised to carry on his father's name. A girl wouldn't have done that," she added quietly. "We'd have to keep trying until we had a son. I know he's not ready now and I really don't blame him for that. He's right. We've only been married a year. It's not a lot of time."

Liam shrugged a little. "We're an old country, Soph. Ethan's from a traditional family. Things like that are important. It doesn't mean he wouldn't love the kids for the fact they're his kids. It would just be a pride thing for him, a success, in a sense. He's a businessman. It's all about success and he's damn good at it. I can't see him being the next Henry the Eighth, though. He wouldn't tie you to the bed until you gave him a son. He probably just would like one deep down. And you were married less than a year when you fell pregnant. Hell, even that makes my head spin. I think even Mum and Dad were married near five before they had you. Something like that. But nothing is right or wrong these days. Things happen in different ways. But you've got yourself a traditional husband. He's very traditional and very conventional."

"And I wouldn't deny him that. I wouldn't argue with it, or mind. I know it's part of what I need to give him as his wife. And the truth is that I'm happy to wait. I just don't think he understands that because I couldn't really help but get attached to the idea of a baby before I miscarried. It happened. It was growing in me, but I know that I was such a bitch to him when I was pregnant," Sophie admitted with a shameful expression. "I don't want to find out that that's what I'm going to like whenever I'm pregnant."

"He can only go on the vibe you're giving him, Soph. He's not a mind-reader. And if you did react so strongly to it all, he's going to assume that it was a huge thing for you. If it was such an uncontrollable shift in personality, then maybe you need to get medical help if it happens again. I mean, other than an obstetrician, you didn't really see about anything else, did you? How do you know your mental state wouldn't have led right to post-natal depression. How do you know that's not what you have right now?" Liam asked her pointedly. "Look at me. I couldn't get out of it without help. I just couldn't. That became my norm. I'm not saying either of you are wrong here, what I am saying is that you had a life plan mapped out, and it got screwed up because of an accident. Maybe you just can't pick up all the pieces on your own."

Sophie bit her lip as she contemplated her phone again and picked it up to punch in a message to send to Ethan. It wasn't anything dirty, just something to let him know she was thinking of him. "Is it even possible to get post-natal depression without giving birth? I didn't even really think about that before. Maybe I should see a doctor. Take my own advice, huh? I just can't lose him, Li. I'll do anything if it means I get my marriage back on track."

Liam nodded with a laugh. "Yes. Most definitely. After birth, miscarriage, stillbirth. It is possible after any form of pregnancy. I'm just saying, that if you were so whacked out when you were pregnant, maybe there is just something more going on here. It's not an easy thing. It can do a lot of fucked up things to women's bodies, not just physically. You can't just be floating along doing shit to keep your marriage together, though. That's no reason. You probably won't even think anything is wrong, but you'll just go along to save the marriage. It's about waking up and thinking that maybe something isn't right and that you do need help. Until you get to that mindset, there's no point."

"I know something's not right!" Sophie bit out before she covered her hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. But I do know something's wrong. I can feel it. This isn't me, Li. And that really wasn't me when I was pregnant. I changed way too much. I didn't even really want Ethan touching me. I need help."

Liam just listened quietly. "Pretty sure he probably got the no touching memo, though, so it's understandable why your sex life is non-existent. You don't need to bite my head off, I'm just trying to help. You help everyone else, but you never stop to think you might have something going on too. I'm not exactly proud of the fact the I need antidepressants, and maybe for a long time, but if I didn't have them, if I wasn't getting counselling, I would have done myself in. It's scary when you can't really get a whole of your own thoughts or actions."

Sophie pressed her lips together as she reached up to rub her fingertips against her forehead. "But I want him to touch me. I don't want him to avoid me. I'm over that now. I want my husband's arms wrapped around me, and I want sleepy morning sex when it just happens before either of us are completely awake. I want baths together and showers, and those little touches that just tell me he's thinking about me, or he still loves me. I know you don't like the pills, Li, but they are helping, aren't they? And that's the important thing. I'm proud of you for just knowing that you did need the help. Now I just have to follow my little brother's example."

Liam shifted a little in his seat at the mention of the touching. He wondered if Joe wanted all that, and if he would be ever able to give it to him. Liam didn't even undress in front of Joe, or anyone. He was less with the big baggy clothes, but any time it came to getting undressed or naked, he was always behind a locked door. "Then maybe you both need to go see a counsellor together. He might need help knowing that it's okay to do all that again. It's possible. The pills are keeping me sane. Everything else is stuff I've got to work on. Like that fact I'm scared I'll never want sex again, and that could mean I'll end up alone."

Sophie drew her eyebrows together, her gaze continually flicking to her phone to see if Ethan had replied. For all she knew he was in the middle of some important meeting and just ignoring his phone. "Li, you won't end up alone. Not everything is about sex. There are people in the world who survive without sex. I know it seems strange given how often these days everything seems to just centre around sex. Does Joe seem like he's going anywhere? He braved Christmas with all of us. He cares deeply for you. I can tell, it's in how he looks at you. He doesn't look like a man who is about to bolt. I'll suggest the therapist to Ethan, but that could be like pulling teeth. He never likes to talk about what's wrong."

Liam looked at her wryly. "I'm twenty-two, Soph. I'm pretty sure there are very few twenty-two year olds out there surviving without sex," he told her quietly. "Joe doesn't talk to me much about it. He's so busy, he probably just doesn't have time to stop and realise it's pissing him off. I'm trying. It just doesn't come easily. Well, I think my next step with my therapist was pulling teeth. I used to literally spend the whole session in there just looking at my lap quietly. She told me she would be there if I wanted to talk, I just never wanted to talk. I only could after I started taking the pills. It might take a bit. He doesn't trust easily, either."

"Do you trust your therapist?" Sophie asked her brother quietly. "I don't even know how we're supposed to choose a therapist. I've only ever dealt with child psychologists. How do you know if the therapist's any good? If they'll actually be worthy of Ethan's trust? Shit, Li. This is crap. One year in and my marriage is already busted. I can't even make my husband smile anymore."

"I didn't trust the first one I had. She didn't seem to understand what I was going through, even though she was apparently a specialist. She kept trying to reassure me that because I didn't have a dick penetrate, I would probably get over it quicker." Liam lowered his voice a little when he realised he had accidentally raised it with the subject matter. He cleared his throat softly. "When I got the lady who was a specialist in Post-trauma, it was much better. She wasn't all with reasons why I should be getting better, she was more with ways I could cope with not being better. There's a surprisingly big difference there. You don't know. You can only try and see how it goes. Stuart sees a therapist. Ask him. He has done for years, apparently. His guy recommended mine. I don't know what to suggest about the marriage thing. I'm hardly worthy to comment on that sort of intimacy."

Sophie reached out again for Liam's hand. It was easier to comfort her brother now that she knew he wouldn't shrink away. She had to at least thank his therapist for that if she ever met the woman. "You're worthy because you're my brother, and you know me. That's enough as far as I'm concerned, sweetheart. I love you, Li. I'm always going to listen to your advice. You might be my baby brother, but sometimes your understanding of things really scares the shit out of me. I'm so in awe of you some days."

Liam pressed his lips together with a small smile. "Well, you lost your baby. I lost myself. It's not so different, you know. I understand quite a lot what you're going through. But I really don't know about the marriage thing. I've been pushing people away for months. It wasn't because I wanted to, not really. It was just what my mind was telling me was the best thing. If people didn't get too close, no one else could hurt me. If no one could look at me too closely, they couldn't want to hurt me. Maybe you were a bit the same, and you fell into a distance routine with Ethan. Only, now you're ready for it not to be like that, you want your marriage back, while he's still in the other mindset."

"But I thought he was ready to move on?" Sophie asked with a slightly confused frown. "I think he still thinks I'm the one in the other mindset. The communication's shot to pieces. Maybe... Maybe I just need to show him I'm ready before we try a therapist? Did you... I... At Christmas he told me he couldn't even get it up," she revealed quietly as she tucked her hands under her legs and tried to shrink down even more in her chair. "I don't even turn him on right now. When did you realise we wouldn't hurt you?"

"Probably ready to move on from the whole pregnancy and baby loss thing, but if you have been telling him hands off for months, it's going to be hard for him to just figure you want it again all of a sudden, Soph. You could try that, but don't get upset with him if he freaks out on you. He might. I did the first few times I tried with Joe. Eventually if led to a handjob on the side of the road. It wasn't how I thought it would be, but that was just when I felt ready." Liam paused for a moment. "It's not about you turning him on, Soph. If he's stressed, it's probably the problem. Plus, again with the hands off thing, it's not exactly something to get turned on by, is it? I don't really know. It wasn't an instant thing, it was a gradual process. It just happened over time."

Sophie nodded slowly as she listened, her manicured fingernail caught between her teeth. There was no way she'd risk biting it. Since marrying Ethan she had given into a few of the necessary grooming standards so that she didn't embarrass him when they went out. Not that she'd expected him to really care, but she knew that it was just part of running in his circles. Her hair was starting to get a bit out of control since it had been growing with the pregnancy. She really needed an appointment, but then her eyes lit up as she looked at her baby brother. "Hey, Li, will you cut my hair? Maybe the touches would scare him but I can at least get out of granny mode and make myself pretty again. Ease into the moving on, and the signals that I'm ready. A handjob on the... In Scotland?!"

Liam nodded. "Yeah, of course," he agreed easily. "You just need to find your way back into it, Soph. I know it was sad losing the baby. I do. But it wasn't meant to be, not really. At least it proved you can make a baby with Ethan. Not everyone can. Plus, they said the baby was healthy. It was just one of those things. Maybe it was all meant to be a wake-up call. We've all had a lot of those recently. I gave him a handjob. He just sort of touched me through my clothes. And he still is. I feel like I'm a fifteen year old virgin again, but even back then I was willing to whip my pants off if necessary. I still completely freak out at the thought of anything near my arse. Awesome gay guy I make, huh?"

Sophie smiled at Liam's willingness, the expression even reflected in her eyes for the time in what felt like years. All she'd needed was some confidence, and her baby brother always did give it to her. Maybe he never realised it, but Liam was always her inspiration. "I will find my way, but I just need your help to get me rolling. It's not like I want to trust anyone else with my hair right now. I always trust you with my hair. Why else do I have a multitalented gay brother, huh? And you know what, you had some arsehole try and shove his fingers up your arse, so don't stress out about that. You're allowed to not want anything near it. Joe will get that. At least I hope he will, and the fact that you're even willing to give him a handjob has to prove something. I carried Williamson genes for a little while... It's definitely an intense thought."

Liam threw her a smile back. "Don't forget your hair probably grew more and quicker when you were pregnant, too. Just one of those pregnant things. It's funny, but it was actually Euan's lad that helped me see the light a little. Some of the cloud lifted after I spoke to him in the hospital. He's such a wise little kid, it threw me off. But seeing that he pretty much had a hold on things after everything he went through made me stop and realise that maybe it wasn't so screwed if I started trying to find my way again. If a thirteen year old kid could manage it, why the hell couldn't I? And I'm not saying he was raped or anything, but he was emotionally abused, has been for most of his life. It just gave me that bit of a push into the light I needed. Seriously cute kid. I call gay, but I'm not going to freak Euan out or anything. You just need to find something to help push you into the light again."

Sophie pointed at her brother. "I have at least one something to push me into the light. And I need to talk to Nay, and see James. I feel like such a bitch. It's not so much that I'm jealous. I just look at her and our nephew and I keep thinking about how it would have been holding me and Ethan's daughter. I keep wondering about what colour hair she would have had, but I know it's not healthy. I just need to accept the fact that this really wasn't meant to happen right now. I need to get back to focusing on my husband and our marriage. Well, you might call gay, but I think I'll call bi. He'll have everyone falling at his feet, and I think his curiosity is large enough to want to experience everything. But I'm hardly about to tell Euan that either and blow his top. Ciaran really is an amazing kid. He even has Batman wrapped around his finger."

Liam smirked at her and waved his hand. "It's okay, you know. Nay understands, and Braden has been keeping her well busy. You just need to not resent that. James will sense it on you. He's a pretty cluey little baby, but he does pick up on that sort of thing. It would have been a whole lot worse if she was born and then she died, Soph. Or if you had her a couple of years, and she got sick, then you lost her. You should spend more time with James, you know. Maybe you need to get on the aunty horse more. Or offer to spend time with Ciaran. Or you will resent what others have and it'll eat you alive. It's human nature. Babies will come. Eventually. But you've stopped enjoying your marriage in the process of the whole thing when I remember what you were like this time last year. You couldn't get enough of him. He was everything, and you were happy for him to be your everything. Now, I'm wondering if he is everything, or if you want more. Maybe he's wondering the same thing. Well, he is a Fitzpatrick. He's just a lot like I was at his age. I just wasn't shy. See? Ethan isn't totally kid allergic."

"Of course he's my everything," Sophie replied as she looked at Liam in shock. "Why... I know I've been terrible lately, but he's still my everything. He's my husband! I love him more than anything. I was just grieving. I didn't want the kid more than I wanted him. It was just a part of me for a little while. It was a shock to just suddenly not have a baby. I woke up covered in blood, Liam. It scared the shit out of me, but I just knew what had happened. How could I not? But I don't want to spend my time dwelling on that. I want the light. I want the aunty horse, and I want my husband. He really is, isn't he? What would you have done if you'd accidentally seen some gay porn at his age?"

"I didn't mean that. I just meant you wanted something else on top of it. Your vision got blurred. That's all I meant. I wasn't saying you didn't love him or stopped loving him. I get it, okay? You don't need to keep jumping on me like that. I woke up with a tube down my throat choking on my own vomit. I know what it feels like. I'm just showing you what I'm seeing from what you're telling me. Some people let this pregnancy and baby thing become all-encompassing for them. Marriages fail, they drift apart for the sake of the kids. If that happened, it would have been sad and premature because your marriage was just barely off the ground," Liam explained, hold his spoon up briefly in surrender. "Probably sat and tried to figure out how it all fit. Then sniggered at the naked, because I was a thirteen year old boy. Naked is funny. Like balls are funny. Anything you think is rude is funny when you're thirteen."

Sophie held her hands up in surrender as well. "I'm sorry, Li. I really don't mean to keep jumping down your throat, but this is my marriage. I get a little defensive of it. I know you understand, and I know you're just trying to help. I really will just shut up now, I promise. I don't want to be one of those people that loses sight of my marriage just because I got pregnant. I think I was becoming one of those people though. It was just consuming me, and I hate that. I don't want to be that person again. I want to do everything I can to get back to the real me." Sophie snickered quietly. "Balls can still be funny even now."

Liam sucked on his spoon after taking a mouthful of the soup. "You know I don't care how you react. I just don't want this to eat you alive. I'm not sure it would have gotten better when the baby came. It might have pushed Ethan away even more. And it's sad, it is. But shit like this happens in life sometimes, Soph. Sometimes people make it work. Like Euan and Gee, with Ciaran. But it could have been different. What if Ciaran showed up a crack head? Or with AIDS? Or with an attitude on him to rival Lindsay Lohan? Do you think Euan would have transitioned as well? No. Of course he fucking wouldn't have. He probably would have wanted to turf the kid out on his ear. But he lucked out. Same as Renee has lucked out with Braden, a guy who needed her and James to feel better about himself and know that life wasn't all as bad as it felt like it was. You and Ethan, you have one of the best relationships I've ever seen in action. You just belong together. If that had been lost, it would have been a tragedy. And it's not like you can't make another baby. You can. Just not yet. It's not a forever over deal. It's not end game."

Sophie picked up her roll and took a small bite of it. Her appetite had returned a little, but she wasn't ready for soup again. "I think sometimes Ethan wonders why we couldn't have just gotten a fully formed kid, but it just doesn't work like that. And I know he really was scared that he would suck as a dad, that he wouldn't love the kid like it deserved. I never wanted it to be a regret for him. It should be a happy thing. When we're ready for it. Right now we are just ready for us to be us. I just need to get it back. And I'm really glad Nay and Braden found each other. I think they're a perfect match. They're so cute together."

"He wouldn't have liked a fully-formed kid. He'd want to do the raising and the connecting. Not saying Euan won't, but I reckon he regrets missing all those years of Ciaran's. Any normal parent would. It's probably why he gets so worried. He's scared he'll lose his son before he has any sort of chance to know him. He's a good father, though. He stuck by Ciaran that whole time in the hospital. I don't know. It's hard for me to really say either way because I don't think I'll ever have kids of my own. I'm happy being an uncle. I'd rather help other people's kids," Liam admitted with a small shrug.

"Euan's a better father than I think he gives himself credit for. I know he worries over Ciaran, but it's normal. He was asking me for a reference at the Christmas party. Apparently part of Ciaran's custody is for him to see a therapist. Seems like half the family needs one of those these days, huh? I know it'll help though. Ciaran may well have a lot of memories he's repressed, and seeing a shrink should help him deal with it. Plus Euan was saying he's not really in the habit of asking them for help when he needs it," Sophie told her brother as she took another bite of her roll. "He just doesn't talk for different reasons than his dad, or Ethan, or even you. You're an awesome uncle, Li. You even deliver your own nephews."

"We've been through a lot. And we're close. Sometimes you just can't offload to family because you think you'll worry them. I can understand the judge's orders, though. After all the lad's been through, there'll be issues, things he'll be nervous about, worried about. But, you know, you could offer to talk to Ciaran yourself. You're not a qualified psychologist, but you're a kid's liaison. It's your job to know what a kid is feeling in conflicted environments. It might help you, too." Liam went back to his soup, realising he was more hungry than he thought. He licked his lips and then smirked. "You all say that like it was easy, but I was shitting myself, you know."

Sophie grinned at him before she pushed her bowl of soup towards Liam to encourage him to keep eating while he was hungry. "That's because you made it look easy. Not that I was there, but I heard the story. You were Super Bro swooping in for the rescue. You pulled it together when your sister really needed you, and for that I'm proud. Do you think they'll accept me as someone that Ciaran can talk to, though? They might need signed papers from a real shrink."

"That's just how she remembers it. It wasn't like that. I was shitting myself and panicking. She left it until the last minute to tell me, and James is a Morgan. He wasn't holding on and waiting for anyone. It's lucky I had at least watched a few births during my training. Then he was all small and slimy. I felt like I was going to drop him. Renee was verbally abusing me." Liam smirked at the memory and then shrugged again. "Talk to Euan about what the court orders say. You'll probably find it said counselling, not attention from a shrink. You're a court counsellor for kids, and they're court orders. There'll be a loophole. All it matters is that Ciaran gets the help he needs. I think if Spongebob Squarepants could give him the help he needed, they would be fine with it."

Sophie contemplated her tea as she pulled the cup towards her and nodded a little. She couldn't do it, could she? She dealt with kids all the time. It might even put both Ciaran and Euan at more ease knowing it was her and not some stranger. She made a mental note to call Euan about it and see what he thought, not to mention find out what the orders said for sure. "Nay would have verbally abused anyone in that room with her. No one would have been safe," Sophie commented with an amused look. "I still think you did good, even if you thought you'd drop him. I know you want to be a surgeon, but you could always consider being a kid doctor."

Liam shook his head. "I don't think I could. That would mean having babies and kids die on your watch all the time, and then having to tell the parents about it. I just couldn't do it. Or seeing seriously ill kids, terminal kids, kids who have been smashed up beyond recognition in car crashes. I just couldn't. Surgery is about fixing something. That's where I get the buzz. Your patients are there because they need you to fix something that will make their life better, ideally anyway. Of course, it doesn't always go that way."

Sophie pointed at him. "That... is a pretty fair reason to say no. Several good reasons actually. I don't know how anyone does it. I know I work with kids going through custody cases, but they still break my heart. I'd never be strong enough to deal with sick kids on a regular basis. It would do me in every time. So you are going back to med school eventually then?"

"I've got off until mid-year for medical reasons. I mean, I didn't even need to tell the university why. They just needed a certificate saying medical reasons, and that was it. They were fine about it. The scholarship just goes on hold. I would have probably just kept going and ended up sending myself literally mental. My head just wasn't there. I mean, you know this sort of thing can happen when you're gay. When you're gay like me. There is always that tiny chance, like HIV. But you think if it happens to you, you'll be fine and you'll just move on." Liam shook his head slowly and let his spoon rest in his soup. "But it's not like that at all. It's like your whole world gets stolen."

Sophie's smile faded as she watched her brother, and once again reached out to give his hand a squeeze. "You still didn't deserve it, Li. Being 'gay like you' is no reason for this to happen, okay? Don't ever think that. You didn't do anything, you didn't ask for it. He was a prick, and a serial offender. None of this was your fault, and none of it was anything to do with what kind of gay bloke you were. Are."

"I know. I do. You're not saying anything I haven't heard repeatedly from a lot of different people. Even you before too, I think," Liam told her with a smirk. "I'm not saying I asked for it or anything like that. I just ended up a target. I know that. It's just that it's not a completely foreign event. You're right, he was a serial offender. It happens more often than we realise. But you can never anticipate how much it will fuck with your head. I can hardly even remember what I was like before. I guess what I'm just saying is that it takes time to find yourself again. It's okay that I need more time off uni."

Sophie held her hand up briefly. "I know it's okay. And I'm sorry if I said it before. My memory is shot to pieces right now. Don't be surprised if I wind up talking about therapy and stuff all over again. We could be about to get stuck in Groundhog Day. If you need time off uni, then I'm just relieved that you know that you have to take it. That you're working on just getting yourself back. That's all I want for my baby brother, okay? That and a hot man to love and worship you," she added with a slight grin.

"Just through the pants," Liam had to add with an amused smirk at his own expense. At least he could joke about it now. It was definitely progress.


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