RP LOG with cantbuy_me | From bad to worse
Ethan could hardly think straight he was so exhausted. The whole wedding and Best Man duties had done him in, and upon getting back to the hotel room, he had literally crashed out still in his suit, tie and shoes. He hardly even remembered the cab ride back, and he wasn't even drunk. He had a couple at the reception, but no more than that. He had wanted to keep alert in case Tom needed anything, and he had literally stayed on Best Man guard until the last guest left the wedding. Like every other guest, he expected to have a good rest and probably sleep into the late hours of the morning. He never expected to be woken up by Sophie at three am, just a couple of hours after crashing on the king-sized hotel bed. He never expected her to be in a panic, begging him to wake up. He never expected her to tell him in a terrified tone that she was bleeding and needed his help.
Bleeding was never good. Never. Bleeding during pregnancy? Ethan couldn't even get his head around it. He was hardly functioning, but somehow he got on autopilot and had the hotel call an ambulance. There was also some pain, and although the bleeding didn't seem to be massive amounts by that time, it was enough to scare the hell out of them both. This was new, and nothing like Ethan could fathom ever experiencing. Now he was standing by Sophie's narrow hospital gurney in the Edinburgh Emergency Department. He had on his shirt from the wedding, buttoned up crookedly, and his ruffled dress pants. Sophie had apparently undressed him down to his underwear when he passed out and he had thrown his clothes back on in a panicked hurry while they waited for the ambulance. Sophie was now in a hospital gown, and the bleeding hadn't stopped. She was just waiting for the doctor to return to talk to them.
He didn't know what to say. He tried to form the right words, but every time he failed, he just resorted to touching her... stroking her hair, kissing her head, holding her hand. But now the exhaustion was building up and some unshed tears welled up in his eyes as he looked at her lying there. He didn't want to think the worst, but how could he not? "I feel sick," he told her hoarsely, knowing that even then, she would be feeling worse, but he couldn't help it. It was reactionary. Like it was the only way he could cope with this and the only way he could help her.
"I'm sorry, Ethan," Sophie whispered as she took his hand again, this time holding it in both of hers as she hugged it close to her. "Can you sit down? Maybe you should sit down. Is there even a chair? I can't... I... I want you to climb onto the bed with me, but I don't think there's room and there's still blood. You don't need to get the blood on you. What about lemonade? Sometimes that helps when you feel sick. Or peppermint tea. Maybe the nurses can get you something." Sophie looked up at him and saw the tears, her teeth digging into her bottom lip so she didn't wind up crying herself. She just didn't understand. Didn't know what she'd done to make this happen. "I'm so sorry."
Ethan held his hands up. "No. No... no. Don't. Don't fucking apologise. I'm sick of hearing you apologise!" he cried, the emotion building up inside him even more. "That's all I've heard since all this started, and I don't fucking want to hear it now! I don't want to sit down. I don't want to lie down, I want the fucking doctor in here, and there is going to be a lot of bullshit going down if they are not in here in the next ten minutes. I'll pay another doctor to get their finger out, this is ridiculous." He stopped exploding and pressed his lips together as some of the tears escaped and dripped down his cheeks. "Soph, please... I just... I don't know what to do here, and I don't know what to say, but please don't apologise to me. If you do, I'll lose it. The only reason this is happening is because I said I didn't want it. I didn't want it. Then I did, but I didn't before, and now it's all been taken away."
Sophie bit her lip again as she just nodded, turning her head away briefly so she could close her eyes against the tears. She also wanted to stop herself from apologising. She couldn't help it. She didn't even really know what she was apologising for. She just felt like she must have done something to lose the baby. Or risk losing it. She didn't even know if there really had been a miscarriage. She wanted to hear from the doctor just like Ethan did. After a moment she reached up to brush her fingers against her cheeks and looked up at him. "Ethan, don't. If I have to stop apologising, you don't get to start trying to blame yourself for this. It was nothing you said. You didn't do this, okay? I don't know what to do or say either. I just feel lost."
Ethan really did feel sick, and he was shaking, feeling like he had a chill. His skin was crawling with goosebumps and he hugged his arms around himself, clenching his jaw as he fought to keep it together right now. He couldn't even call Tom. Not on his wedding night. Ethan would never in a million years call Tom and ruin his wedding night, no matter what. He even felt slightly like he might pass out, so he shifted to lean back against the wall beside the bed and closed his eyes for a few lingering moments. How was he even supposed to begin to know how to feel about this. There was even a tiny part of him that actually felt faintly relieved, and he hated himself for it. The bigger part of him fought it off, though. He had been getting used to the idea, even if he had never quite felt ready to be a father.
A doctor appeared with a clipboard, and thank god she was female. "Mr and Mrs Williamson? I'm Dr Harper. With your authorisation, I'd like to perform a bedside ultrasound. The bleeding at this point hasn't specifically been enough to indicate that miscarriage has occured. I'd like to check to see if we still have fetal movement or heartbeat," she explained quietly.
Ethan accepted the clipboard and signed the authority without question, clearing his throat. "Not enough blood? Are you mental?" he asked, biting the words out with a frown. "Are you going to try and tell us this is normal next?"
"Not at all, Mr Williamson. There just might be a chance that the baby is okay and we can then know what to do to ensure your wife and your child are treated appropriately," the doctor explained.
"Ethan," Sophie said quietly as she tried to reach up to touch him. She found his leg at least and grasped his pants in her fingers. "It's okay... Just let her check. I'd rather just know if there's a baby still in there. There really did seem to be a lot of blood," she added as she looked at the doctor and tried to pull herself together enough to be ready for an ultrasound. "If it's not a miscarriage, do we know maybe why there was bleeding? It's just a shock to wake up to something like that..." Sophie's face was still drained of colour. The truth was she couldn't close her eyes without seeing the blood, and feeling that cold trickle of fear snake down her spine all over again.
A couple of nurses wheeled the bulky ultrasound machine in, along with a stool for the doctor to sit on. "A chair for Mr Williamson, please," the doctor requested as she sat down and started typing in some details and adjusting the screen resolution. "Let's just see what we can see on the ultrasound, first. It will give me a better idea of what is going on, and we can take it from there. There are a whole bevvy of scenarios I could discuss with you, but there is no sense if it isn't relevant," she reasoned.
Ethan fought the urge to throw the chair through the window when it was brought to him, and instead just sat down stiffly on the edge of it beside the bed. From where he was sitting, he couldn't see the screen, and he was relieved of that. He found himself feeling his cheeks with the backs of his fingers for any fever, because he really felt horrible. There was no fever. This was all some sort of chemical reaction to shock or something. He was a hardly a doctor. "Maybe Liam should be here," he suggested hoarsely. Liam was a doctor. Nearly. He knew what all these machines were, he delivered babies, he could tell them if this doctor had her head up her arse. Ethan didn't want anyone but the best touching his wife, and his child.
Sophie frowned as she thought about calling anyone in her family. Where Ethan hadn't called Tom because it was his wedding night, Sophie hadn't made any calls because she just hadn't known what to say. Still, Liam did at least know his medical stuff. He had delivered James. Sophie swallowed back a huge lump in her throat and brought up her shoulder to press her face into it as she started to feel her body shake from the silent sobs. She just wanted to stay calm long enough to get through the ultrasound. Eventually she made a choked sound before she rest her head back against the pillow again. "I can't wait for him to come. I just can't. I need to know now. Maybe after we can call someone."
Ethan couldn't speak. If he spoke, he would throw up. He just held Sophie's hand, and still had no idea what else he was supposed to do. This wasn't him, it didn't come naturally to him like running a company did or dealing with clients or talking around millionaires to hand over their cash to him. All this, he floundered with. Just like he had floundered with the pregnancy news to start off with. Her family should be here, because he sucked at this side of things. There was also a very high risk he would yell at someone, so he just kept his mouth shut. By this point, his brain didn't even feel like his anymore. He was running on empty, so it was best he just sat there and said nothing.
"Okay, we won't wait any longer," Dr Harper promised and made sure the sheet was keeping Sophie decent while she lifted her gown up to smear some of the blue gel across her stomach. It was easy to find the image, Sophie was very slender and it seemed that some higher power just wanted to make things as easy as possible for the couple right now. The doctor captured a couple of the images, biting down on her lip in concentration. There was the image of a tiny head of the fetus, but there was no movement, and there was no heartbeat. She gave a slight shake of her head and looked apologetically at them both. "I'm so sorry. There is no fetal movement or heatbeat. The baby had died, and the blood is likely to have been the early stages of miscarriage. We will have to do a minor procedure to take care of what the body couldn't. I really am sorry, Mr and Mrs Williamson."
Sophie just stared at the screen for a long moment before she looked down at her stomach, and the gel now covering it. She'd wanted the baby. Of course she'd wanted the baby. She'd always wanted a baby, and now the baby was dead inside her. She gripped Ethan's hand tighter before she just started to shake her head, and then the tears started thick and fast and she raised her free hand to cover her face and to try and stifle the sounds of anguish. "Oh my god."
There was no way Ethan was looking at that screen. He couldn't. His eyes were locked on the side of the mattress as he just took in what the doctor had said. "Can I arrange for her to be transferred to the pirvate hospital, please?" he requested, his voice flat and barely audible. "I am sure your facilities are more than adequate, but you do not have the ability to obstruct the press if it comes to that. Can you please give us some privacy for the moment?" he finally added, and it was starting to feel like someone was squeezing his head in a vice.
Dr Harper nodded in understanding. "Of course. I will arrange the transfer by ambulance immediately and ensure she is taken to surgery as soon as she arrives," she told them and left the bay to give them some privacy.
Sophie tugged on Ethan's hand as she turned to look at him, her eyes red and filled with tears. "Can you hug me? Please, Ethan," she pleaded through the sobs. "And I need you to call my family. I know there's a lot of them, but I just need them. I need you. Please just hold me for a little while."
It was the distress Ethan was struggling with. He couldn't take it. This was something he never, ever wanted to feel. He would have thrown himself in front of a double decker bus to stop any of his family hurting. He remembered when Liam got hurt, taking Sophie over there and just standing like an idiot in the middle of the room having no idea what to do or say. That was how this felt all over again. But there was this lady doctor, who had just been sitting there and somewhere through the haze, Ethan had realised she had just told them that their baby had died. An actual baby, their baby, had died. Ethan managed to get his arms around Sophie, but he lost it and broke down in tears. Now he had to make phone calls, too? How was he supposed to tell anyone this? How was he supposed to tell his parents that the grandchild they had desperately wanted for years was dead?
Sophie hugged Ethan back as she buried her face against his shoulder. Now that they were both falling apart, it just made it so much harder to try and fight it. She couldn't. She felt like such a failure for not being able to carry their baby. She didn't even think about the fact that Ethan hadn't wanted the baby to start with. This wasn't his fault, or his doing. She could never blame him, and she didn't want to blame him. She clutched the back Ethan's shirt as she just held onto him. She didn't need him to know what to say or do, she just needed him there. "Maybe you can just leave the phone calls," she said after a moment. "I think I just want us to be alone for a while."
Ethan nodded. "I... can't... I can't tell them. I can't talk to anyone," he told her through a sob. It was probably a miracle he even remembered his name, let alone how to use his phone to call anyone. If push came to shove, he would text message someone to make the calls for him. He just didn't know who. There was no Tom. Wasn't there, and he couldn't be there, and Ethan felt like he was going to fall apart completely at that notion.
"You don't need to, okay? You don't. Oh, sweetheart..." Sophie ran her fingers over his hair soothingly. If she couldn't look after herself, she was at least going to look after Ethan. She thought she should feel bad for changing her mind about wanting her family around, but all she really wanted right now was her husband. She was sure the guilt would kick in later, especially when they found out that she had kept it from them. "Neither of us have to talk to anyone."
Ethan sat back a little and then buried his face into his hands. He tried to stifle another sob, but it was mostly a pointless attempt. The whole day had been a rollercoaster of emotions and there was even one point there he had been too busy to even pee. Now this? This should never be happening. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. It never even crossed his mind that the baby might not be born. It was an inevitable conclusion from the get-go. Sure, they had been abiding by that whole not buying baby things to not jinx anything, like most people did, but who really believed that was an issue? And here they were, they hadn't jinxed anything, and their baby still died. "H-How did this happen? We did everything right. There was all the right vitamins and doctors and... how did this happen?" he asked helplessly. "I'm so tired, I can't even think..."
Sophie slumped back against the bed. She was exhausted. She wanted to just close her eyes, but she was scared to. She could still feel herself sticky with sweat, and like she needed a shower. She really did want a shower. She'd been cleaned up a little when she got here, but that was more to just try and get rid of some of the blood. "I don't know," she answered softly. "I really don't. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe this is because we're really not ready. I don't know, Ethan."
Ethan was trying to stop his head from feeling like it was about to explode. His brain felt like it was on fire. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. What did that say about him as a father? He had freaked out from the start, and he wasn't ready. Even right now, he would admit he wasn't sure if he was ready. To think about juggling his life with a family, he wondered when he would sleep, when he and Sophie would have any time together. She was his rock and he had been fearing that was getting away from him. Now he felt like he had brought this on, like bad Karma, or something. Did he inadvertently wish their baby dead? He never believed in this sort of stuff before, but nothing else made sense. He felt strangely like he was about to have a panic attack, too. His heart was racing and his skin broke out in goosebumps, but he just sat there, making sure Sophie wasn't alerted to anything going on with him. She didn't need that. When he took his phone out, he fumbled with it and dropped it on the bed. "I-I'll text someone... or something," he offered hoarsely, his knuckles almost white with the grip he had on the device.
Sophie turned so her cheek was against the pillow and watched Ethan. As much as he thought of her as his rock, she very much thought of him as her rock. She had ever since she realised that Ethan wasn't who she thought he was, and she couldn't imagine life without him. For a little while there she'd been guilty of imagining their baby, and what they would be like. If they'd look like him. If it would be a boy, or a girl. How they'd be when they were older. She reached out to cover his hands with hers, and just held them tightly. "It's not your fault," she told him in a whisper. "You need to believe that, Ethan."
Ethan gave a small shake of his head as he looked up from the phone to meet her eyes. "I-I want to... but I... I can't. I didn't do enough. I wasn't there enough... or something. And I didn't know how to want it at first. I didn't. And I... I was yelling at you. For being pregnant. That is... it's..." All he could do was shake his head again, the words coming to fail him again. No matter how he could look at it, it was his fault.
Sophie rubbed her hand over his, her touch light. Her heart ached with the loss of the baby, and now with seeing Ethan so upset. She had never seen him like this. Never. It wasn't that she didn't assume things could effect him. She just didn't want to ever see him at this point. He was Ethan. He was unbreakable. "No, no... Ethan, it's nothing to do with that. It doesn't work like that. I don't blame you for this. I could never... Maybe I didn't like you yelling at me, but I didn't make anything easier for you. I was a total raging bitch! I was yelling you. I was yelling at everyone. I didn't like who I was," Sophie admitted with a choked sob as her eyes went wide. "Pregnancy is supposed to make people happy. It didn't make us happy."
"Maybe you were just yelling because our baby was dead!" Ethan cried, the words flying out of his mouth before he could stop them. As soon as he realised what he said though, he pressed a hand over his mouth in shock. Some more tears spilled over when he immediately hated himself. "I couldn't even look at it on the screen," he admitted in a hoarse, choked whisper.
Sophie let go of his hands and moved hers to her stomach. "It's still in me," she replied forlornly. "I can't stand it. I feel horrible, but I just... I don't want it in me anymore. I've already failed the baby. I couldn't carry it. I don't even know how long it's been dead. Maybe I really was yelling because of that. I just can't stand it. I want it out of me. It hasn't even really had a chance, and it's already gone."
Ethan went back to rubbing his head. "It's still our baby. You talk like it's some sort of disease..." he mumbled, struggling to process what she was saying. He started to think about Sophie's family, and how he expected them to blame him for this. They all thought he had been a dick about the pregnancy initially, and this was going to just emphasise that. How could he face them? How could he even look them in the eye?
"If I talk about it any other way I'm going to lose it even more," Sophie told him quietly. "Do you really want me to sit here telling you that all I wanted was to know if it looked like you, or me? If it was going to have dark hair, or light. If it would be a boy, or a girl. What their favourite food would wind up being? If they'd like the Wombles like I used to love the Wombles."
Ethan paled as he listened to her and then shifted back in the chair so he could lean over and hopefully prevent himself passing out. "Why shouldn't you?" he asked, only barely loud enough for her to be able to hear. "Why should you not talk like that? Am I that much of an arsehole that you think you can't even say those things?"
Sophie frowned as she reached up to wipe the tears from her cheeks, and let out a slow breath. "Fuck, no. Of course not. How could you even assume it's to do with that? I was hoping it would just be easier to deal with. I miss the baby, Ethan. I do. I miss everything it could have been, and I just can't believe how quickly this is all over."
"About as quickly as it all started," Ethan commented quietly, his head still dipped down as he rested it against his upper arm. His hand was still holding his phone on the side of the bed but he even came up blank who he could text message at four in the morning to help him. It didn't feel like there was anyone. Normally Tom would be the first port of call, but that couldn't happen. Maybe Euan. Euan had asked their help with Ciaran, but it was time to ask for the favour in return. He was a father now, he'd get it. Right? But then, if the boy was sleeping, it would be selfish of Euan to wake them all up. He couldn't believe how useless he felt. He had never in his whole life felt so empty and useless, like he didn't have the strength to even lift his head all of a sudden.
Sophie nodded in agreement even if he wasn't looking at her. Her gaze turned to the ceiling and she felt the urge to close her eyes and give into the exhaustion. She kept her eyes open though and her hands slid back down to rest on her abdomen. "Ethan, you don't need to do anything right now. It's okay. We can sort it out when we get to the other hospital. What if we can't have babies after this? What if we don't want them?"
"Ask Braden Evans for advice?" Ethan suggested quietly. He let his eyes fall closed. It was an honest answer, and the only one he had for the moment. "I... don't know. I always just assumed the option would be there down the track, so I just don't know. Considering Braden was almost the sole cause for Stuart nearly doing a runner from his own wedding, I can't imagine dealing with it is easy. Or if 'dealing' is even the right word. Maybe you can never really deal with it. And... Renee, with James. How are you going to feel having him around right now?"
Sophie's face twisted as she thought about her nephew, the once proud aunty feelings that came with thinking of his face now gone as all she could think about was the fact that she wasn't going to have a bundle to hold at the end of a few more months. "I don't think I can see him right now," she admitted. "I think about it, and it just hurts. I hate that it's come down to that."
Ethan was disappointed to hear that, and he was glad he wasn't looking at her. He didn't even know what to say to that. Now he had to tell Renee to steer clear for no other reason than her baby son. He bit down on the inside of his cheek, feeling bad for the baby boy. "Okay," he replied in a mumble.
"That doesn't mean I won't," Sophie added as she heard his mumble. "Nay's my sister, James is my nephew. I can't not see them. It'll hurt, but maybe it's what I need. Maybe it'll help me heal."
"He can't help that he's a baby," Ethan reasoned quietly. Sure, the baby scared the shit out of him and he still didn't know how to put a nappy on, but it was still his nephew and he was proud of that. "Maybe it will just make you resent her even more," he had to add, though. He still remembered how Sophie reacted with news of Renee's pregnancy and when she gave birth.
Sophie looked at Ethan, her hand reaching out to stroke through his hair. "I don't resent her. I could never resent her. I know I've been all over the place lately. I don't even know why. This past couple of weeks I feel like it hasn't even been me. I don't know who I was. I just want to be me, and I just want to be with my family."
Ethan nodded and went back to looking at his phone. "I'll text someone," he repeated again, flatly and tiredly. He just couldn't bring himself to punch anything into that keypad. If he tried, he wouldn't know what to say. "I thought maybe Euan."
"I think he'd be good," Sophie agreed as she kept stroking her fingers through Ethan's hair. She just needed some sort of connection to him so she didn't lie there floundering. "He'd keep his head on straight, do whatever we needed. I don't know who else there would be. I'd say Joe, but he's probably got enough on his plate with Liam."
"I don't know Joe," was Ethan's response, and kind of a sucky one too. It was the truth, he didn't know Joe very well. Just in passing. He also didn't want Joe to be the one to deliver this sort of news to Liam. Ethan would rather do it directly, he just needed to get them all here somehow, then find the balls to face them all. To go from anticipating a baby, and even being bitched out by Sophie earlier the previous day to this, he was reeling. "Phillipe, maybe."
Sophie looked up at the ceiling again as she tried to get her brain working enough to consider who else there was to call. No one really. She knew Tom was automatically off the list. It wasn't like her brothers had partners. "Phillipe," Sophie murmured. "I don't think it's really all that fair contacting Euan. He probably just wants a night with Gee, and Ciaran. There's no one else, really."
Ethan pressed his lips together in a fervent attempt not to cry again. He felt sick knowing he couldn't call on Tom right now, like part of him was missing. But he had been so happy at his wedding. Happier than Ethan had ever seen him. In fact, Ethan had sat and watched in awe at one point there as Tom finally chilled out and even spent time laughing with Stuart's family, and his new in-laws. There was no way Ethan was going to ruin that, not yet. It took him a a long few minutes to actually get his shaking fingers to work enough to type in a message to Phillipe... if the Frenchman would even get it at this hour. He might not, and Ethan might not have even made sense, but he hit send anyway and then put the phone back down. "Yeah, Ciaran looked tired anyway... it's stupid to consider Euan. Phillipe. He'll be fine. Hopefully."
"He'll know what to do," Sophie replied before biting down on her lip. She hoped someone knew what to do because she sure as hell didn't. She also didn't want Ethan to feel like he needed to either. She didn't want him to feel like he needed to be strong right now. He didn't. Sometimes it was just okay to fall apart. "Ethan?"
Ethan looked up at her, his eyes feeling like they had sand rubbed into them and were maybe hanging out of his head. He was probably about two steps away from having a really bad migraine, and he had left his medication back at the hotel. He should probably do something about that, too, but he had both room cards in his wallet. He cleared his throat slightly, relieved at this point that he hadn't indulged in too much booze at the wedding reception. "Mm?"
Sophie touched his face as her gaze studied it for a moment. He looked like how she felt. A part of her was sure she wasn't ever going to feel okay again. She was a lot more sympathetic to Liam right now, and realised just how hard he'd fought to even get to the wedding, and even stay at the reception. "I love you," she said with a small smile.
Ethan nodded with a small smile that he just couldn't maintain for the life of him. "I love you too," he promised.
Word Count | 5,356
Bleeding was never good. Never. Bleeding during pregnancy? Ethan couldn't even get his head around it. He was hardly functioning, but somehow he got on autopilot and had the hotel call an ambulance. There was also some pain, and although the bleeding didn't seem to be massive amounts by that time, it was enough to scare the hell out of them both. This was new, and nothing like Ethan could fathom ever experiencing. Now he was standing by Sophie's narrow hospital gurney in the Edinburgh Emergency Department. He had on his shirt from the wedding, buttoned up crookedly, and his ruffled dress pants. Sophie had apparently undressed him down to his underwear when he passed out and he had thrown his clothes back on in a panicked hurry while they waited for the ambulance. Sophie was now in a hospital gown, and the bleeding hadn't stopped. She was just waiting for the doctor to return to talk to them.
He didn't know what to say. He tried to form the right words, but every time he failed, he just resorted to touching her... stroking her hair, kissing her head, holding her hand. But now the exhaustion was building up and some unshed tears welled up in his eyes as he looked at her lying there. He didn't want to think the worst, but how could he not? "I feel sick," he told her hoarsely, knowing that even then, she would be feeling worse, but he couldn't help it. It was reactionary. Like it was the only way he could cope with this and the only way he could help her.
"I'm sorry, Ethan," Sophie whispered as she took his hand again, this time holding it in both of hers as she hugged it close to her. "Can you sit down? Maybe you should sit down. Is there even a chair? I can't... I... I want you to climb onto the bed with me, but I don't think there's room and there's still blood. You don't need to get the blood on you. What about lemonade? Sometimes that helps when you feel sick. Or peppermint tea. Maybe the nurses can get you something." Sophie looked up at him and saw the tears, her teeth digging into her bottom lip so she didn't wind up crying herself. She just didn't understand. Didn't know what she'd done to make this happen. "I'm so sorry."
Ethan held his hands up. "No. No... no. Don't. Don't fucking apologise. I'm sick of hearing you apologise!" he cried, the emotion building up inside him even more. "That's all I've heard since all this started, and I don't fucking want to hear it now! I don't want to sit down. I don't want to lie down, I want the fucking doctor in here, and there is going to be a lot of bullshit going down if they are not in here in the next ten minutes. I'll pay another doctor to get their finger out, this is ridiculous." He stopped exploding and pressed his lips together as some of the tears escaped and dripped down his cheeks. "Soph, please... I just... I don't know what to do here, and I don't know what to say, but please don't apologise to me. If you do, I'll lose it. The only reason this is happening is because I said I didn't want it. I didn't want it. Then I did, but I didn't before, and now it's all been taken away."
Sophie bit her lip again as she just nodded, turning her head away briefly so she could close her eyes against the tears. She also wanted to stop herself from apologising. She couldn't help it. She didn't even really know what she was apologising for. She just felt like she must have done something to lose the baby. Or risk losing it. She didn't even know if there really had been a miscarriage. She wanted to hear from the doctor just like Ethan did. After a moment she reached up to brush her fingers against her cheeks and looked up at him. "Ethan, don't. If I have to stop apologising, you don't get to start trying to blame yourself for this. It was nothing you said. You didn't do this, okay? I don't know what to do or say either. I just feel lost."
Ethan really did feel sick, and he was shaking, feeling like he had a chill. His skin was crawling with goosebumps and he hugged his arms around himself, clenching his jaw as he fought to keep it together right now. He couldn't even call Tom. Not on his wedding night. Ethan would never in a million years call Tom and ruin his wedding night, no matter what. He even felt slightly like he might pass out, so he shifted to lean back against the wall beside the bed and closed his eyes for a few lingering moments. How was he even supposed to begin to know how to feel about this. There was even a tiny part of him that actually felt faintly relieved, and he hated himself for it. The bigger part of him fought it off, though. He had been getting used to the idea, even if he had never quite felt ready to be a father.
A doctor appeared with a clipboard, and thank god she was female. "Mr and Mrs Williamson? I'm Dr Harper. With your authorisation, I'd like to perform a bedside ultrasound. The bleeding at this point hasn't specifically been enough to indicate that miscarriage has occured. I'd like to check to see if we still have fetal movement or heartbeat," she explained quietly.
Ethan accepted the clipboard and signed the authority without question, clearing his throat. "Not enough blood? Are you mental?" he asked, biting the words out with a frown. "Are you going to try and tell us this is normal next?"
"Not at all, Mr Williamson. There just might be a chance that the baby is okay and we can then know what to do to ensure your wife and your child are treated appropriately," the doctor explained.
"Ethan," Sophie said quietly as she tried to reach up to touch him. She found his leg at least and grasped his pants in her fingers. "It's okay... Just let her check. I'd rather just know if there's a baby still in there. There really did seem to be a lot of blood," she added as she looked at the doctor and tried to pull herself together enough to be ready for an ultrasound. "If it's not a miscarriage, do we know maybe why there was bleeding? It's just a shock to wake up to something like that..." Sophie's face was still drained of colour. The truth was she couldn't close her eyes without seeing the blood, and feeling that cold trickle of fear snake down her spine all over again.
A couple of nurses wheeled the bulky ultrasound machine in, along with a stool for the doctor to sit on. "A chair for Mr Williamson, please," the doctor requested as she sat down and started typing in some details and adjusting the screen resolution. "Let's just see what we can see on the ultrasound, first. It will give me a better idea of what is going on, and we can take it from there. There are a whole bevvy of scenarios I could discuss with you, but there is no sense if it isn't relevant," she reasoned.
Ethan fought the urge to throw the chair through the window when it was brought to him, and instead just sat down stiffly on the edge of it beside the bed. From where he was sitting, he couldn't see the screen, and he was relieved of that. He found himself feeling his cheeks with the backs of his fingers for any fever, because he really felt horrible. There was no fever. This was all some sort of chemical reaction to shock or something. He was a hardly a doctor. "Maybe Liam should be here," he suggested hoarsely. Liam was a doctor. Nearly. He knew what all these machines were, he delivered babies, he could tell them if this doctor had her head up her arse. Ethan didn't want anyone but the best touching his wife, and his child.
Sophie frowned as she thought about calling anyone in her family. Where Ethan hadn't called Tom because it was his wedding night, Sophie hadn't made any calls because she just hadn't known what to say. Still, Liam did at least know his medical stuff. He had delivered James. Sophie swallowed back a huge lump in her throat and brought up her shoulder to press her face into it as she started to feel her body shake from the silent sobs. She just wanted to stay calm long enough to get through the ultrasound. Eventually she made a choked sound before she rest her head back against the pillow again. "I can't wait for him to come. I just can't. I need to know now. Maybe after we can call someone."
Ethan couldn't speak. If he spoke, he would throw up. He just held Sophie's hand, and still had no idea what else he was supposed to do. This wasn't him, it didn't come naturally to him like running a company did or dealing with clients or talking around millionaires to hand over their cash to him. All this, he floundered with. Just like he had floundered with the pregnancy news to start off with. Her family should be here, because he sucked at this side of things. There was also a very high risk he would yell at someone, so he just kept his mouth shut. By this point, his brain didn't even feel like his anymore. He was running on empty, so it was best he just sat there and said nothing.
"Okay, we won't wait any longer," Dr Harper promised and made sure the sheet was keeping Sophie decent while she lifted her gown up to smear some of the blue gel across her stomach. It was easy to find the image, Sophie was very slender and it seemed that some higher power just wanted to make things as easy as possible for the couple right now. The doctor captured a couple of the images, biting down on her lip in concentration. There was the image of a tiny head of the fetus, but there was no movement, and there was no heartbeat. She gave a slight shake of her head and looked apologetically at them both. "I'm so sorry. There is no fetal movement or heatbeat. The baby had died, and the blood is likely to have been the early stages of miscarriage. We will have to do a minor procedure to take care of what the body couldn't. I really am sorry, Mr and Mrs Williamson."
Sophie just stared at the screen for a long moment before she looked down at her stomach, and the gel now covering it. She'd wanted the baby. Of course she'd wanted the baby. She'd always wanted a baby, and now the baby was dead inside her. She gripped Ethan's hand tighter before she just started to shake her head, and then the tears started thick and fast and she raised her free hand to cover her face and to try and stifle the sounds of anguish. "Oh my god."
There was no way Ethan was looking at that screen. He couldn't. His eyes were locked on the side of the mattress as he just took in what the doctor had said. "Can I arrange for her to be transferred to the pirvate hospital, please?" he requested, his voice flat and barely audible. "I am sure your facilities are more than adequate, but you do not have the ability to obstruct the press if it comes to that. Can you please give us some privacy for the moment?" he finally added, and it was starting to feel like someone was squeezing his head in a vice.
Dr Harper nodded in understanding. "Of course. I will arrange the transfer by ambulance immediately and ensure she is taken to surgery as soon as she arrives," she told them and left the bay to give them some privacy.
Sophie tugged on Ethan's hand as she turned to look at him, her eyes red and filled with tears. "Can you hug me? Please, Ethan," she pleaded through the sobs. "And I need you to call my family. I know there's a lot of them, but I just need them. I need you. Please just hold me for a little while."
It was the distress Ethan was struggling with. He couldn't take it. This was something he never, ever wanted to feel. He would have thrown himself in front of a double decker bus to stop any of his family hurting. He remembered when Liam got hurt, taking Sophie over there and just standing like an idiot in the middle of the room having no idea what to do or say. That was how this felt all over again. But there was this lady doctor, who had just been sitting there and somewhere through the haze, Ethan had realised she had just told them that their baby had died. An actual baby, their baby, had died. Ethan managed to get his arms around Sophie, but he lost it and broke down in tears. Now he had to make phone calls, too? How was he supposed to tell anyone this? How was he supposed to tell his parents that the grandchild they had desperately wanted for years was dead?
Sophie hugged Ethan back as she buried her face against his shoulder. Now that they were both falling apart, it just made it so much harder to try and fight it. She couldn't. She felt like such a failure for not being able to carry their baby. She didn't even think about the fact that Ethan hadn't wanted the baby to start with. This wasn't his fault, or his doing. She could never blame him, and she didn't want to blame him. She clutched the back Ethan's shirt as she just held onto him. She didn't need him to know what to say or do, she just needed him there. "Maybe you can just leave the phone calls," she said after a moment. "I think I just want us to be alone for a while."
Ethan nodded. "I... can't... I can't tell them. I can't talk to anyone," he told her through a sob. It was probably a miracle he even remembered his name, let alone how to use his phone to call anyone. If push came to shove, he would text message someone to make the calls for him. He just didn't know who. There was no Tom. Wasn't there, and he couldn't be there, and Ethan felt like he was going to fall apart completely at that notion.
"You don't need to, okay? You don't. Oh, sweetheart..." Sophie ran her fingers over his hair soothingly. If she couldn't look after herself, she was at least going to look after Ethan. She thought she should feel bad for changing her mind about wanting her family around, but all she really wanted right now was her husband. She was sure the guilt would kick in later, especially when they found out that she had kept it from them. "Neither of us have to talk to anyone."
Ethan sat back a little and then buried his face into his hands. He tried to stifle another sob, but it was mostly a pointless attempt. The whole day had been a rollercoaster of emotions and there was even one point there he had been too busy to even pee. Now this? This should never be happening. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. It never even crossed his mind that the baby might not be born. It was an inevitable conclusion from the get-go. Sure, they had been abiding by that whole not buying baby things to not jinx anything, like most people did, but who really believed that was an issue? And here they were, they hadn't jinxed anything, and their baby still died. "H-How did this happen? We did everything right. There was all the right vitamins and doctors and... how did this happen?" he asked helplessly. "I'm so tired, I can't even think..."
Sophie slumped back against the bed. She was exhausted. She wanted to just close her eyes, but she was scared to. She could still feel herself sticky with sweat, and like she needed a shower. She really did want a shower. She'd been cleaned up a little when she got here, but that was more to just try and get rid of some of the blood. "I don't know," she answered softly. "I really don't. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe this is because we're really not ready. I don't know, Ethan."
Ethan was trying to stop his head from feeling like it was about to explode. His brain felt like it was on fire. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. What did that say about him as a father? He had freaked out from the start, and he wasn't ready. Even right now, he would admit he wasn't sure if he was ready. To think about juggling his life with a family, he wondered when he would sleep, when he and Sophie would have any time together. She was his rock and he had been fearing that was getting away from him. Now he felt like he had brought this on, like bad Karma, or something. Did he inadvertently wish their baby dead? He never believed in this sort of stuff before, but nothing else made sense. He felt strangely like he was about to have a panic attack, too. His heart was racing and his skin broke out in goosebumps, but he just sat there, making sure Sophie wasn't alerted to anything going on with him. She didn't need that. When he took his phone out, he fumbled with it and dropped it on the bed. "I-I'll text someone... or something," he offered hoarsely, his knuckles almost white with the grip he had on the device.
Sophie turned so her cheek was against the pillow and watched Ethan. As much as he thought of her as his rock, she very much thought of him as her rock. She had ever since she realised that Ethan wasn't who she thought he was, and she couldn't imagine life without him. For a little while there she'd been guilty of imagining their baby, and what they would be like. If they'd look like him. If it would be a boy, or a girl. How they'd be when they were older. She reached out to cover his hands with hers, and just held them tightly. "It's not your fault," she told him in a whisper. "You need to believe that, Ethan."
Ethan gave a small shake of his head as he looked up from the phone to meet her eyes. "I-I want to... but I... I can't. I didn't do enough. I wasn't there enough... or something. And I didn't know how to want it at first. I didn't. And I... I was yelling at you. For being pregnant. That is... it's..." All he could do was shake his head again, the words coming to fail him again. No matter how he could look at it, it was his fault.
Sophie rubbed her hand over his, her touch light. Her heart ached with the loss of the baby, and now with seeing Ethan so upset. She had never seen him like this. Never. It wasn't that she didn't assume things could effect him. She just didn't want to ever see him at this point. He was Ethan. He was unbreakable. "No, no... Ethan, it's nothing to do with that. It doesn't work like that. I don't blame you for this. I could never... Maybe I didn't like you yelling at me, but I didn't make anything easier for you. I was a total raging bitch! I was yelling you. I was yelling at everyone. I didn't like who I was," Sophie admitted with a choked sob as her eyes went wide. "Pregnancy is supposed to make people happy. It didn't make us happy."
"Maybe you were just yelling because our baby was dead!" Ethan cried, the words flying out of his mouth before he could stop them. As soon as he realised what he said though, he pressed a hand over his mouth in shock. Some more tears spilled over when he immediately hated himself. "I couldn't even look at it on the screen," he admitted in a hoarse, choked whisper.
Sophie let go of his hands and moved hers to her stomach. "It's still in me," she replied forlornly. "I can't stand it. I feel horrible, but I just... I don't want it in me anymore. I've already failed the baby. I couldn't carry it. I don't even know how long it's been dead. Maybe I really was yelling because of that. I just can't stand it. I want it out of me. It hasn't even really had a chance, and it's already gone."
Ethan went back to rubbing his head. "It's still our baby. You talk like it's some sort of disease..." he mumbled, struggling to process what she was saying. He started to think about Sophie's family, and how he expected them to blame him for this. They all thought he had been a dick about the pregnancy initially, and this was going to just emphasise that. How could he face them? How could he even look them in the eye?
"If I talk about it any other way I'm going to lose it even more," Sophie told him quietly. "Do you really want me to sit here telling you that all I wanted was to know if it looked like you, or me? If it was going to have dark hair, or light. If it would be a boy, or a girl. What their favourite food would wind up being? If they'd like the Wombles like I used to love the Wombles."
Ethan paled as he listened to her and then shifted back in the chair so he could lean over and hopefully prevent himself passing out. "Why shouldn't you?" he asked, only barely loud enough for her to be able to hear. "Why should you not talk like that? Am I that much of an arsehole that you think you can't even say those things?"
Sophie frowned as she reached up to wipe the tears from her cheeks, and let out a slow breath. "Fuck, no. Of course not. How could you even assume it's to do with that? I was hoping it would just be easier to deal with. I miss the baby, Ethan. I do. I miss everything it could have been, and I just can't believe how quickly this is all over."
"About as quickly as it all started," Ethan commented quietly, his head still dipped down as he rested it against his upper arm. His hand was still holding his phone on the side of the bed but he even came up blank who he could text message at four in the morning to help him. It didn't feel like there was anyone. Normally Tom would be the first port of call, but that couldn't happen. Maybe Euan. Euan had asked their help with Ciaran, but it was time to ask for the favour in return. He was a father now, he'd get it. Right? But then, if the boy was sleeping, it would be selfish of Euan to wake them all up. He couldn't believe how useless he felt. He had never in his whole life felt so empty and useless, like he didn't have the strength to even lift his head all of a sudden.
Sophie nodded in agreement even if he wasn't looking at her. Her gaze turned to the ceiling and she felt the urge to close her eyes and give into the exhaustion. She kept her eyes open though and her hands slid back down to rest on her abdomen. "Ethan, you don't need to do anything right now. It's okay. We can sort it out when we get to the other hospital. What if we can't have babies after this? What if we don't want them?"
"Ask Braden Evans for advice?" Ethan suggested quietly. He let his eyes fall closed. It was an honest answer, and the only one he had for the moment. "I... don't know. I always just assumed the option would be there down the track, so I just don't know. Considering Braden was almost the sole cause for Stuart nearly doing a runner from his own wedding, I can't imagine dealing with it is easy. Or if 'dealing' is even the right word. Maybe you can never really deal with it. And... Renee, with James. How are you going to feel having him around right now?"
Sophie's face twisted as she thought about her nephew, the once proud aunty feelings that came with thinking of his face now gone as all she could think about was the fact that she wasn't going to have a bundle to hold at the end of a few more months. "I don't think I can see him right now," she admitted. "I think about it, and it just hurts. I hate that it's come down to that."
Ethan was disappointed to hear that, and he was glad he wasn't looking at her. He didn't even know what to say to that. Now he had to tell Renee to steer clear for no other reason than her baby son. He bit down on the inside of his cheek, feeling bad for the baby boy. "Okay," he replied in a mumble.
"That doesn't mean I won't," Sophie added as she heard his mumble. "Nay's my sister, James is my nephew. I can't not see them. It'll hurt, but maybe it's what I need. Maybe it'll help me heal."
"He can't help that he's a baby," Ethan reasoned quietly. Sure, the baby scared the shit out of him and he still didn't know how to put a nappy on, but it was still his nephew and he was proud of that. "Maybe it will just make you resent her even more," he had to add, though. He still remembered how Sophie reacted with news of Renee's pregnancy and when she gave birth.
Sophie looked at Ethan, her hand reaching out to stroke through his hair. "I don't resent her. I could never resent her. I know I've been all over the place lately. I don't even know why. This past couple of weeks I feel like it hasn't even been me. I don't know who I was. I just want to be me, and I just want to be with my family."
Ethan nodded and went back to looking at his phone. "I'll text someone," he repeated again, flatly and tiredly. He just couldn't bring himself to punch anything into that keypad. If he tried, he wouldn't know what to say. "I thought maybe Euan."
"I think he'd be good," Sophie agreed as she kept stroking her fingers through Ethan's hair. She just needed some sort of connection to him so she didn't lie there floundering. "He'd keep his head on straight, do whatever we needed. I don't know who else there would be. I'd say Joe, but he's probably got enough on his plate with Liam."
"I don't know Joe," was Ethan's response, and kind of a sucky one too. It was the truth, he didn't know Joe very well. Just in passing. He also didn't want Joe to be the one to deliver this sort of news to Liam. Ethan would rather do it directly, he just needed to get them all here somehow, then find the balls to face them all. To go from anticipating a baby, and even being bitched out by Sophie earlier the previous day to this, he was reeling. "Phillipe, maybe."
Sophie looked up at the ceiling again as she tried to get her brain working enough to consider who else there was to call. No one really. She knew Tom was automatically off the list. It wasn't like her brothers had partners. "Phillipe," Sophie murmured. "I don't think it's really all that fair contacting Euan. He probably just wants a night with Gee, and Ciaran. There's no one else, really."
Ethan pressed his lips together in a fervent attempt not to cry again. He felt sick knowing he couldn't call on Tom right now, like part of him was missing. But he had been so happy at his wedding. Happier than Ethan had ever seen him. In fact, Ethan had sat and watched in awe at one point there as Tom finally chilled out and even spent time laughing with Stuart's family, and his new in-laws. There was no way Ethan was going to ruin that, not yet. It took him a a long few minutes to actually get his shaking fingers to work enough to type in a message to Phillipe... if the Frenchman would even get it at this hour. He might not, and Ethan might not have even made sense, but he hit send anyway and then put the phone back down. "Yeah, Ciaran looked tired anyway... it's stupid to consider Euan. Phillipe. He'll be fine. Hopefully."
"He'll know what to do," Sophie replied before biting down on her lip. She hoped someone knew what to do because she sure as hell didn't. She also didn't want Ethan to feel like he needed to either. She didn't want him to feel like he needed to be strong right now. He didn't. Sometimes it was just okay to fall apart. "Ethan?"
Ethan looked up at her, his eyes feeling like they had sand rubbed into them and were maybe hanging out of his head. He was probably about two steps away from having a really bad migraine, and he had left his medication back at the hotel. He should probably do something about that, too, but he had both room cards in his wallet. He cleared his throat slightly, relieved at this point that he hadn't indulged in too much booze at the wedding reception. "Mm?"
Sophie touched his face as her gaze studied it for a moment. He looked like how she felt. A part of her was sure she wasn't ever going to feel okay again. She was a lot more sympathetic to Liam right now, and realised just how hard he'd fought to even get to the wedding, and even stay at the reception. "I love you," she said with a small smile.
Ethan nodded with a small smile that he just couldn't maintain for the life of him. "I love you too," he promised.
Word Count | 5,356