RP LOG with tweedjocks | Breakthrough
Joe was a mess. In fact, he was worse than a mess if that was even possible. He'd thrown up twice on the way to Liam's. and even now he was fairly certain that his stomach was about to crawl up his throat again. He'd been to see Ethan after finally getting his messages. Joe had been away with Rian while she chased up some inspiration in the country - only he'd come back early when her inspiration had turned out to be some sheep farmer, or gardener, or some bullshit. She would be back into town soon enough - Joe having called her as soon as he'd stumbled out of Ethan's with the shock still fresh.
He couldn't understand. Didn't understand how it had happened. Or why. He hadn't been around to protect Liam. The one time Rian drags him out of town and his--Liam--gets raped. He braced a hand against the wall as he knocked on Liam's apartment door and sucked in a breath to stop himself from throwing up all over his shoes. He had no idea if the younger man was even going to want to see him. He hadn't heard anything from Liam, but how could he blame him? Joe had disappeared and now Liam was probably thinking there was no way he could count on him.
Joe wanted to prove Liam wrong.
He also would have killed the fucker that did this if the bastard wasn't already dead.
At a short distance into Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Liam must've given into the sheer exhaustion and fallen asleep. In fact, when he woke up, it was getting dark outside and it had been distinctly bright out there when he put the DVD on. His head and face were aching all over again when he woke up and glancing around, he realised his family would still be around somewhere in the apartment, but they had obviously left him alone to sleep. After debating whether he even wanted to move... or if he could without being in agony... Liam got up stiffly off the sofa, wrapping the oversized robe around himself and went to get the door.
The only thing was, he soon found himself just standing there staring at the back of it, a strange fear to actually open it coming over him. He swallowed, standing a couple of feet away from it and taking close to two minutes to actually put his hand on the job and pull it open. And even then, Joe being a more than familiar face, Liam visibly jumped just at the sight of a man standing there. His heart was now up somewhere near the back of his throat, thumping a mile a minute. "Oh... hey..." was all he could think to say at first.
Joe didn't miss the jump. He'd even been wondering if the door was going to get opened, or if Liam had maybe checked through the peep hole and saw Joe standing there and decided to just leave him standing there. He reached up to rub his hand over his greying hair before he dropped it back to his side. "Hello. I'm sorry, I wasn't sure if... I just needed to see..." Joe was pale as he looked at Liam, and tears were already pricking the backs of his eyes. "I'll go."
For a few moments, Liam just stood there and looked at him, but it was only because his brain was trying to decide how he felt. He had called Joe and left him a message with a blatant lie about having a headache and not wanting to catch up. Something along those lines. He couldn't remember now. The only thing was, he had realised after the fact he had dialed the wrong number. Well, he realised when Jess actually phoned him up and told him the message had come to her instead. It had been the first time they had spoken in weeks, and Liam had said all of two words, and then completely forgot about it. He forgot to contact Joe again, even if the older man was well on his mind. It was just a shock to see him here, and although he wondered who it was who had said something, he was glad to see him. He didn't reached out to touch him, though. In fact, his arms hugged tighter around himself before he spoke again and he wet his dry lips. "You look sick," he noted quitely.
"I feel sick," Joe responded just as quietly as his eyes trailed over every inch of Liam. He knew there had to be more damage under the robe, not to mention the mental damage endured from the attack. Again, he felt sick to his stomach and couldn't help the knot of guilt that formed in his stomach. A few tears trailed down his cheeks and he took a shuddering breath before his lip started to tremble. "I'm so sorry, Liam. I'm so, so sorry."
Liam's face crumbled as he struggled to fight the emotion himself. "No, don't. Don't apologise. Please, don't..." he whispered hoarsely and his fists gripped around the edge of the robe. He took a small step aside and gesture inside with a tilt of his head. "You should come in. You... if you don't feel well, you should sit down. I'd offer you tea, but it's not a very good idea right now," he added and held a hand up for Joe to see how much they were shaking. It had been there since he got home that night and the doctor he saw prescribed some anxiety medications, but Liam was yet to actually put any near his mouth yet. He didn't want to be reliant on pills. He wasn't sick.
All Joe wanted to do was hug Liam, but he was more than aware of the fact that Liam wouldn't want to be touched right now. He stepped into Liam's apartment and gave a shake of his head. "No, it's okay. Look, I'll make us both tea. It'll keep me occupied... something to do. I wasn't sure if you'd... Maybe you should be resting? Are you... Are you okay?"
"No, I'm not," Liam murmured with a small shake of his head as he headed in the direction of the kitchen. He had probably wasted a shit load of tea in the past few days. It was always a good barrier, a good thing to help distract someone, but he hadn't actually drank any made for him. He mostly just sat and stared at the cup, and held it. It gave his hands something to do, too. "I'm too tired to even try and lie about that anymore. It's hard to convince other people when you can't even convince yourself. Unless you meant physically, in which case... nope, not so okay there either."
"I meant in every case," Joe murmured as he familiarised himself with the kitchen. Although it wasn't hard to find a tea pot and the electric jug. It seemed tea really had been on everyone else's mind, too. He sucked in a breath as he started, trying to make sure his own hands didn't shake. "Have you at least seen a doctor? Is Sophie still here?" He rubbed his hand over his face as he set the jug to boil and looked at Liam. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."
Liam wet his lips and closed his eyes briefly. "And you think I do?" he asked quietly. "Right now, I'm just doing whatever anyone tells me to do, because whenever I try to think for myself, it comes with the force of feeling like I am being slammed into a brick wall... ironically. I saw a doctor, I answered all the coppers' questions, I signed whatever they wanted me to sign, and I can still hardly remember what any of them really said. Though, it's not like the physical examination is anything I'll forget in a hurry. I don't know if she's still here. I suppose she is. She doesn't know what to say or do either. I'm a proverbial leper."
Joe came to lean against the counter across from where Liam was sitting so he could hold his gaze. He was careful not to make himself any bigger than Liam. Keeping his body language as small as he could. He didn't want his lover afraid of him. "No, I don't. And it's okay that you don't. It's understandable to be operating on a sort of autopilot. I can't imagine how you feel, I can even imagine how to understand how hard it would be to try and function after something like what you've been through. You're not a leper, I think people are just being careful to give you space. It's human nature to want to comfort through touch, but touch is probably one of the last things you want right now."
Liam looked down at the surface of the counter, his tired eyes trailing over the pattern in the marble. "It's not completely what everyone thinks. I know what they're thinking. I'd be thinking the same. The rape victim, how could he want anyone near him right? And I guess they're right, on some level. It's an irrational fear and I don't like feeling like this, but it's just there. It's just more the fact that I don't want anyone touching me because I'm in a lot of pain. I don't want to be in pain. Every single hint of something hurting is a reminder of why it's hurting and I... I don't know how to deal with that. It hurts to sit," he added, his voice dropping reflexively, still ashamed to even admit that.
"Fucking hell..." Joe let out a rough sigh as he shook his head, the anger starting to rise as the shock and despair gave way. "I wish I could kill that prick. I really do. I wish he was still around for me to just... I want to wring his neck. I want to make him pay for what he's done to you." He glanced back at Liam. "But more than anything I just... I want to be here for you. I want you to know I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to."
Liam leant forward, taking most of his weight onto his arms that were braced on the counter. He was starting to feel nauseous himself again, and his head remained lowered. "Even if I never want to have sex again?"
Joe smiled just a little bit. "Sex isn't everything, love. Believe it or not, I didn't want to see more of you just because of the sex."
"I figured you would say that without hesitation," Liam mumbled and was back to hugging himself uncomfortably again. "It means you haven't really thought of what it actually means. Sex was part of it. You can't deny that. A big part."
Joe folded his hands in front of him on the counter as he watched Liam carefully. "No, that's where you're wrong. I won't deny it was a big part of it. Of course it was. I'm also a bit older than you, Liam. I've had my time of sex meaning everything to me, of there being nothing but sex. My best friend is probably still in the middle of her time, but she's very... spirited. But I will give you this... If there is no sex then we'll have no choice but to explore other facets of our relationship. We'll have to talk, get to know each other. Everything will be based on anything but the sex. We'll soon know if there's nothing in it. In us... I realise you didn't exactly sign up for something more than casual."
"I didn't sign up to get raped either," Liam found coming out of his mouth before he could stop it, even to the point he actually put his hand over his mouth as soon as the words fell out of it. He pushed his hand up and over his eyes, trying to scrub something away... or even a few somethings. "I don't even know what to say to the fact that you got to live your life, and I didn't. I don't know what to say. Everything that comes to my mind is... I don't know. It's like I won't ever feel good or safe again."
Joe reached out like he wanted to touch Liam, but drew his hand back towards himself. "No, you didn't. And it's okay to say whatever's on your mind. It's healthy. Don't hold it in, Liam. You're not going to feel good or safe again if you keep censoring yourself. I just wish I could help. I wish there was something that I could do, but I know that about all I can do is just be here. Even if all your family's watching you as well."
"I don't want them to watch me. It feels like everyone is watching me," Liam admitted in a small voice. "Everyone is looking and thinking things that are pointless. It happened. It's done. If it wasn't me, it would be someone else. I'm glad he's dead, and I hope he died painfully, and I absolutely fucking hate myself for that."
Joe wet his lips. "Do you really want to be completely alone right now?"
"I already feel it," was Liam's almost inaudible answer. "No one really knows how I feel. They just keep giving me these looks, and I hate it. They keep telling me I didn't ask for it, but they're my family. Of course they think I didn't ask for it. Everyone else, though. Look at me. My history. Maybe I didn't ask for it, but there must've been something there to think the guy could do it."
"He was a predator. He didn't need any reason other than an urge to prove that he was stronger. It was nothing about you, love. Nothing. You didn't invite it, you didn't give him any kind of permission just by what you wore, or how you act." Joe rubbed his fingers against his lips. "It wasn't you."
Liam shook his head. "No, it wasn't an overpowering thing. He... tried to come onto me. Out in the club, he tried a couple of times. I turned him down. I guess he just decided to take it anyway..." His stomach turned over again when the memories were back and he got up stiffly off the chair to go over and get some of the paper towel off the roll. He managed to catch the tears this time before they actually fell, even if the were silent.
Joe turned to watch him, that sickness returning to his stomach as all he could do was stand their helplessly. There was no way Liam would accept a hug off him, and that's all he had. "Then he's just a fucking bastard that is no better than toe fungus. If he couldn't take no for an answer, he's a monster. It still has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him being a prick."
"A dead prick," Liam corrected, a small sob cutting off the end of the final word. Mostly he was just numb, but sometimes the enormity of what he had just been through hit home and caught up in his throat all over again. "I just... I feel sick," he admitted in a whisper and then reached over to take Joe's hand. His shaky fingers linked with the older man's and he brought their joined hands up to his cheek when he couldn't stop himself crying all over again.
Joe tried not to move his hand too much in Liam's grip as he rounded to counter and slowly slipped his arm around Liam to pull him against his chest in a hug. "Let it out, love. Just let it out."
Liam froze in the embrace. He couldn't help it. He actually had to take a few moments to stop and tell himself this was okay, and Joe wasn't going to hurt him. He hated himself for it, but it was the only way he could cope. He was still stiff and uncertain in the hug, but he didn't pull away. A lot of it was the pain, and a lot of it was the memories streaking back through his mind of being restrained by the other man who had been easily more than double Liam's size. His breathing quickened, but he still stayed. His head came to rest on Joe's shoulder and his hand gripped around a fistful of Joe's shirt, which he was now soaking from his tears. "I don't want to be like this," he sobbed.
Joe had to tell himself over and over not to be offended that Liam wasn't relaxing into the hug, but he understood. He knew that this was a huge first step. And the fact that Liam rest his head on Joe's shoulder spoke volumes. "I know, but it's going to take time, Liam. It's all about time to heal. Right now you're still hurting, and you just have to let yourself hurt. It sucks, but you just need to move through it."
"I can't. It's all stuck in my head. I can try and stop thinking, but it all comes back, and I can't get away from it. Everytime I close my eyes I see it. I see him standing over me, I see brick wall two inches from my face before he pushed me into it. I can smell the bathroom, I can hear the music. I can feel every. little. thing," Liam got out through gritted teeth when the despair once again shifted to anger on the emotional rollercoaster that refused to stop and let him off.
Joe just held him quietly and tried to think of something he could say to make it all better for Liam. To make it just go away. He wanted more than anything to just protect him, and he had failed. He was still failing. He risked a kiss to the top of Liam's head. "I wish I had answers."
Against Joe's chest, Liam's eyes fell closed and he took a step back, out of the embrace again. He kept hitting brick walls with everyone. He just wanted them to all stop trying to damn well save him. Of course no one had the answers and all it did was make him feel like he was hitting brick walls when he tried to talk about it. It was like someone had died... or farted in an elevator. Hell, it was like fucking herpes. No one knew what to say to him beyond hitting a point where there was just nothing left to say. "I'll shut up now," he mumbled and went over to the sink so he could wash his face.
"What? No!" Joe protested hoarsely as he raised his fingers to scratch at the stubble on his chin. "Liam, no. Don't ever have to think you need to shut up. It's me who should shut up. I want you to understand I'm here just to listen. That's something I can give you. It's just a little hard to accept that there's nothing I can do to fix this. You're just going to have to ignore me when I get stupid. I promise my underwear is very much on the inside of my trousers and there's no danger of me whipping out a cape."
It was when Liam was bending over to wash his face that he caught sight of more blood dripping into the sink and swirling with the tap water. He started to curse harshly, reaching over blindly for the paper towel while he held his hand to his nose to try and stop it again. The doctor warned this could be one of two things. Some damage to vessels that would need to heal, or a reaction to stress. All Liam had done was snort at her and refuse to admit to anything, but it kept happening. He had already ruined three of his favourite t-shirts. "I don't want to be fixed, I just want to be me. That might not be anything happy or pleasant right now, because I don't know how to cope with this, but I don't want to be treated like a leper, either."
Joe came up beside Liam and gently touched his hand against the younger man's shoulder before he took over with the paper towel. "I don't think you're a leper, love. It might be a good idea just to rest right now, though."
Liam managed to give the slightest of nods. His head was hurting and that sick feeling was back. He wouldn't be able to get tea down his throat if he tried. He was quiet for a moment before he quietly asked, "Will you stay?" His blue eyes glanced at Joe over the bunch of towels and it was probably a miracle he could even be heard through them.
Joe's lips twitched in a smile. "Of course I will. You're stuck with me now."
Word Count | 3,533
He couldn't understand. Didn't understand how it had happened. Or why. He hadn't been around to protect Liam. The one time Rian drags him out of town and his--Liam--gets raped. He braced a hand against the wall as he knocked on Liam's apartment door and sucked in a breath to stop himself from throwing up all over his shoes. He had no idea if the younger man was even going to want to see him. He hadn't heard anything from Liam, but how could he blame him? Joe had disappeared and now Liam was probably thinking there was no way he could count on him.
Joe wanted to prove Liam wrong.
He also would have killed the fucker that did this if the bastard wasn't already dead.
At a short distance into Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Liam must've given into the sheer exhaustion and fallen asleep. In fact, when he woke up, it was getting dark outside and it had been distinctly bright out there when he put the DVD on. His head and face were aching all over again when he woke up and glancing around, he realised his family would still be around somewhere in the apartment, but they had obviously left him alone to sleep. After debating whether he even wanted to move... or if he could without being in agony... Liam got up stiffly off the sofa, wrapping the oversized robe around himself and went to get the door.
The only thing was, he soon found himself just standing there staring at the back of it, a strange fear to actually open it coming over him. He swallowed, standing a couple of feet away from it and taking close to two minutes to actually put his hand on the job and pull it open. And even then, Joe being a more than familiar face, Liam visibly jumped just at the sight of a man standing there. His heart was now up somewhere near the back of his throat, thumping a mile a minute. "Oh... hey..." was all he could think to say at first.
Joe didn't miss the jump. He'd even been wondering if the door was going to get opened, or if Liam had maybe checked through the peep hole and saw Joe standing there and decided to just leave him standing there. He reached up to rub his hand over his greying hair before he dropped it back to his side. "Hello. I'm sorry, I wasn't sure if... I just needed to see..." Joe was pale as he looked at Liam, and tears were already pricking the backs of his eyes. "I'll go."
For a few moments, Liam just stood there and looked at him, but it was only because his brain was trying to decide how he felt. He had called Joe and left him a message with a blatant lie about having a headache and not wanting to catch up. Something along those lines. He couldn't remember now. The only thing was, he had realised after the fact he had dialed the wrong number. Well, he realised when Jess actually phoned him up and told him the message had come to her instead. It had been the first time they had spoken in weeks, and Liam had said all of two words, and then completely forgot about it. He forgot to contact Joe again, even if the older man was well on his mind. It was just a shock to see him here, and although he wondered who it was who had said something, he was glad to see him. He didn't reached out to touch him, though. In fact, his arms hugged tighter around himself before he spoke again and he wet his dry lips. "You look sick," he noted quitely.
"I feel sick," Joe responded just as quietly as his eyes trailed over every inch of Liam. He knew there had to be more damage under the robe, not to mention the mental damage endured from the attack. Again, he felt sick to his stomach and couldn't help the knot of guilt that formed in his stomach. A few tears trailed down his cheeks and he took a shuddering breath before his lip started to tremble. "I'm so sorry, Liam. I'm so, so sorry."
Liam's face crumbled as he struggled to fight the emotion himself. "No, don't. Don't apologise. Please, don't..." he whispered hoarsely and his fists gripped around the edge of the robe. He took a small step aside and gesture inside with a tilt of his head. "You should come in. You... if you don't feel well, you should sit down. I'd offer you tea, but it's not a very good idea right now," he added and held a hand up for Joe to see how much they were shaking. It had been there since he got home that night and the doctor he saw prescribed some anxiety medications, but Liam was yet to actually put any near his mouth yet. He didn't want to be reliant on pills. He wasn't sick.
All Joe wanted to do was hug Liam, but he was more than aware of the fact that Liam wouldn't want to be touched right now. He stepped into Liam's apartment and gave a shake of his head. "No, it's okay. Look, I'll make us both tea. It'll keep me occupied... something to do. I wasn't sure if you'd... Maybe you should be resting? Are you... Are you okay?"
"No, I'm not," Liam murmured with a small shake of his head as he headed in the direction of the kitchen. He had probably wasted a shit load of tea in the past few days. It was always a good barrier, a good thing to help distract someone, but he hadn't actually drank any made for him. He mostly just sat and stared at the cup, and held it. It gave his hands something to do, too. "I'm too tired to even try and lie about that anymore. It's hard to convince other people when you can't even convince yourself. Unless you meant physically, in which case... nope, not so okay there either."
"I meant in every case," Joe murmured as he familiarised himself with the kitchen. Although it wasn't hard to find a tea pot and the electric jug. It seemed tea really had been on everyone else's mind, too. He sucked in a breath as he started, trying to make sure his own hands didn't shake. "Have you at least seen a doctor? Is Sophie still here?" He rubbed his hand over his face as he set the jug to boil and looked at Liam. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."
Liam wet his lips and closed his eyes briefly. "And you think I do?" he asked quietly. "Right now, I'm just doing whatever anyone tells me to do, because whenever I try to think for myself, it comes with the force of feeling like I am being slammed into a brick wall... ironically. I saw a doctor, I answered all the coppers' questions, I signed whatever they wanted me to sign, and I can still hardly remember what any of them really said. Though, it's not like the physical examination is anything I'll forget in a hurry. I don't know if she's still here. I suppose she is. She doesn't know what to say or do either. I'm a proverbial leper."
Joe came to lean against the counter across from where Liam was sitting so he could hold his gaze. He was careful not to make himself any bigger than Liam. Keeping his body language as small as he could. He didn't want his lover afraid of him. "No, I don't. And it's okay that you don't. It's understandable to be operating on a sort of autopilot. I can't imagine how you feel, I can even imagine how to understand how hard it would be to try and function after something like what you've been through. You're not a leper, I think people are just being careful to give you space. It's human nature to want to comfort through touch, but touch is probably one of the last things you want right now."
Liam looked down at the surface of the counter, his tired eyes trailing over the pattern in the marble. "It's not completely what everyone thinks. I know what they're thinking. I'd be thinking the same. The rape victim, how could he want anyone near him right? And I guess they're right, on some level. It's an irrational fear and I don't like feeling like this, but it's just there. It's just more the fact that I don't want anyone touching me because I'm in a lot of pain. I don't want to be in pain. Every single hint of something hurting is a reminder of why it's hurting and I... I don't know how to deal with that. It hurts to sit," he added, his voice dropping reflexively, still ashamed to even admit that.
"Fucking hell..." Joe let out a rough sigh as he shook his head, the anger starting to rise as the shock and despair gave way. "I wish I could kill that prick. I really do. I wish he was still around for me to just... I want to wring his neck. I want to make him pay for what he's done to you." He glanced back at Liam. "But more than anything I just... I want to be here for you. I want you to know I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to."
Liam leant forward, taking most of his weight onto his arms that were braced on the counter. He was starting to feel nauseous himself again, and his head remained lowered. "Even if I never want to have sex again?"
Joe smiled just a little bit. "Sex isn't everything, love. Believe it or not, I didn't want to see more of you just because of the sex."
"I figured you would say that without hesitation," Liam mumbled and was back to hugging himself uncomfortably again. "It means you haven't really thought of what it actually means. Sex was part of it. You can't deny that. A big part."
Joe folded his hands in front of him on the counter as he watched Liam carefully. "No, that's where you're wrong. I won't deny it was a big part of it. Of course it was. I'm also a bit older than you, Liam. I've had my time of sex meaning everything to me, of there being nothing but sex. My best friend is probably still in the middle of her time, but she's very... spirited. But I will give you this... If there is no sex then we'll have no choice but to explore other facets of our relationship. We'll have to talk, get to know each other. Everything will be based on anything but the sex. We'll soon know if there's nothing in it. In us... I realise you didn't exactly sign up for something more than casual."
"I didn't sign up to get raped either," Liam found coming out of his mouth before he could stop it, even to the point he actually put his hand over his mouth as soon as the words fell out of it. He pushed his hand up and over his eyes, trying to scrub something away... or even a few somethings. "I don't even know what to say to the fact that you got to live your life, and I didn't. I don't know what to say. Everything that comes to my mind is... I don't know. It's like I won't ever feel good or safe again."
Joe reached out like he wanted to touch Liam, but drew his hand back towards himself. "No, you didn't. And it's okay to say whatever's on your mind. It's healthy. Don't hold it in, Liam. You're not going to feel good or safe again if you keep censoring yourself. I just wish I could help. I wish there was something that I could do, but I know that about all I can do is just be here. Even if all your family's watching you as well."
"I don't want them to watch me. It feels like everyone is watching me," Liam admitted in a small voice. "Everyone is looking and thinking things that are pointless. It happened. It's done. If it wasn't me, it would be someone else. I'm glad he's dead, and I hope he died painfully, and I absolutely fucking hate myself for that."
Joe wet his lips. "Do you really want to be completely alone right now?"
"I already feel it," was Liam's almost inaudible answer. "No one really knows how I feel. They just keep giving me these looks, and I hate it. They keep telling me I didn't ask for it, but they're my family. Of course they think I didn't ask for it. Everyone else, though. Look at me. My history. Maybe I didn't ask for it, but there must've been something there to think the guy could do it."
"He was a predator. He didn't need any reason other than an urge to prove that he was stronger. It was nothing about you, love. Nothing. You didn't invite it, you didn't give him any kind of permission just by what you wore, or how you act." Joe rubbed his fingers against his lips. "It wasn't you."
Liam shook his head. "No, it wasn't an overpowering thing. He... tried to come onto me. Out in the club, he tried a couple of times. I turned him down. I guess he just decided to take it anyway..." His stomach turned over again when the memories were back and he got up stiffly off the chair to go over and get some of the paper towel off the roll. He managed to catch the tears this time before they actually fell, even if the were silent.
Joe turned to watch him, that sickness returning to his stomach as all he could do was stand their helplessly. There was no way Liam would accept a hug off him, and that's all he had. "Then he's just a fucking bastard that is no better than toe fungus. If he couldn't take no for an answer, he's a monster. It still has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him being a prick."
"A dead prick," Liam corrected, a small sob cutting off the end of the final word. Mostly he was just numb, but sometimes the enormity of what he had just been through hit home and caught up in his throat all over again. "I just... I feel sick," he admitted in a whisper and then reached over to take Joe's hand. His shaky fingers linked with the older man's and he brought their joined hands up to his cheek when he couldn't stop himself crying all over again.
Joe tried not to move his hand too much in Liam's grip as he rounded to counter and slowly slipped his arm around Liam to pull him against his chest in a hug. "Let it out, love. Just let it out."
Liam froze in the embrace. He couldn't help it. He actually had to take a few moments to stop and tell himself this was okay, and Joe wasn't going to hurt him. He hated himself for it, but it was the only way he could cope. He was still stiff and uncertain in the hug, but he didn't pull away. A lot of it was the pain, and a lot of it was the memories streaking back through his mind of being restrained by the other man who had been easily more than double Liam's size. His breathing quickened, but he still stayed. His head came to rest on Joe's shoulder and his hand gripped around a fistful of Joe's shirt, which he was now soaking from his tears. "I don't want to be like this," he sobbed.
Joe had to tell himself over and over not to be offended that Liam wasn't relaxing into the hug, but he understood. He knew that this was a huge first step. And the fact that Liam rest his head on Joe's shoulder spoke volumes. "I know, but it's going to take time, Liam. It's all about time to heal. Right now you're still hurting, and you just have to let yourself hurt. It sucks, but you just need to move through it."
"I can't. It's all stuck in my head. I can try and stop thinking, but it all comes back, and I can't get away from it. Everytime I close my eyes I see it. I see him standing over me, I see brick wall two inches from my face before he pushed me into it. I can smell the bathroom, I can hear the music. I can feel every. little. thing," Liam got out through gritted teeth when the despair once again shifted to anger on the emotional rollercoaster that refused to stop and let him off.
Joe just held him quietly and tried to think of something he could say to make it all better for Liam. To make it just go away. He wanted more than anything to just protect him, and he had failed. He was still failing. He risked a kiss to the top of Liam's head. "I wish I had answers."
Against Joe's chest, Liam's eyes fell closed and he took a step back, out of the embrace again. He kept hitting brick walls with everyone. He just wanted them to all stop trying to damn well save him. Of course no one had the answers and all it did was make him feel like he was hitting brick walls when he tried to talk about it. It was like someone had died... or farted in an elevator. Hell, it was like fucking herpes. No one knew what to say to him beyond hitting a point where there was just nothing left to say. "I'll shut up now," he mumbled and went over to the sink so he could wash his face.
"What? No!" Joe protested hoarsely as he raised his fingers to scratch at the stubble on his chin. "Liam, no. Don't ever have to think you need to shut up. It's me who should shut up. I want you to understand I'm here just to listen. That's something I can give you. It's just a little hard to accept that there's nothing I can do to fix this. You're just going to have to ignore me when I get stupid. I promise my underwear is very much on the inside of my trousers and there's no danger of me whipping out a cape."
It was when Liam was bending over to wash his face that he caught sight of more blood dripping into the sink and swirling with the tap water. He started to curse harshly, reaching over blindly for the paper towel while he held his hand to his nose to try and stop it again. The doctor warned this could be one of two things. Some damage to vessels that would need to heal, or a reaction to stress. All Liam had done was snort at her and refuse to admit to anything, but it kept happening. He had already ruined three of his favourite t-shirts. "I don't want to be fixed, I just want to be me. That might not be anything happy or pleasant right now, because I don't know how to cope with this, but I don't want to be treated like a leper, either."
Joe came up beside Liam and gently touched his hand against the younger man's shoulder before he took over with the paper towel. "I don't think you're a leper, love. It might be a good idea just to rest right now, though."
Liam managed to give the slightest of nods. His head was hurting and that sick feeling was back. He wouldn't be able to get tea down his throat if he tried. He was quiet for a moment before he quietly asked, "Will you stay?" His blue eyes glanced at Joe over the bunch of towels and it was probably a miracle he could even be heard through them.
Joe's lips twitched in a smile. "Of course I will. You're stuck with me now."
Word Count | 3,533