Have I always been this emotional.
I still like Bethel. I still like my job. However, the things that really matter to me reach a bit further than my location and my job. So many elements have been off in my life for so long. So many things that I should have kicked to the curb long ago have gotten worse. A lot of strange things have happened lately. For someone like me to say something's strange, you know it must be out of the ordinary. And now I find myself scared that change is coming, and even more terrified that it isn't. And right now when I feel like breaking down so much, I have to be strong for everyone else. I don't know if I can do that, but I don't want to let anyone down. People see a million different faces of me, but I don't know if anyone sees the complete person. Everyone knows that as much as I might get along with people, I'm not really fond of the human race as a whole. I don't like people, but I do love them. That's hard for me, because that's something you would expect from a devout Christian, which I'm not. I don't love people because a god loves everyone or tells me I should, tells me it's the righteous thing to do. I guess I don't even know if it is love I feel. I always kind of thought I was screwed up in that department, unable to truly feel that emotion. But I know that no pain of my own breaks my heart as much as another's pain. And I know that if I could take away someone's pain, even if it meant taking it onto myself, I would do it without hesitation. I KNOW this. I have no doubts in my mind about this. I know that I would lay down my life in a second if it meant that someone else could go forward with theirs. This is something that I know in my darkest moments and in my brightest moments. It's never something thought because of some sort of misguided deathwish or depression. It's just matter-of-fact. I want a happy long life just like anybody else. No matter how bad I feel my life has gotten, I've still found some hope to cling to. I wouldn't be here, otherwise, would I? No one can truly exist without some thread of hope. I turned 26 years old last Thursday. I have very little direction in life. I know I have tools to use, but I don't know how to use them. I know we're all gonna be okay. I know we're in this together, even though I feel so alone. If I had a word tattooed on my head, it would be "confusion" as that is my constant...maybe I'm not so different from everyone else afterall.