this entry is long...can you handle it?
as you can all tell, i'm back from camp. it's difficult for me to summarize my summer and experience at camp. i don't really want to try. i guess i just want to say that i think i've changed for the better. i have a stronger foundation in the Word of God like i've desiring for a long time. and my eyes have been opened even more to how much i don't know. which is good, because it is not only humbling, but it makes me hungry. it's just...i'm so inadequate. do you ever feel like you suck at everything you do? well, besides the moments of ridiculous pride i'm filled with, i often that way. not even sucking at things i do, but just, like, everyone else knows more than me or is more impressive than me. i've never been any sort of impressive person. anyway, all that rambling to say that in spite of all that, God still used me! wow...goes to show how i just get in His way most of the time.
i'm not going to act like camp was some fantastic spiritual high i got on. because it's not. it was freaking hard. i wanted to quit multiple times during the day. there were times i literally had to go hide and cry. a new week with new campers would come and i would just be like "what the crap, God! you have stretched me past, past, past, past my stretching point!" i knew God would give me the strength to get me through, but i certainly didn't have the faith that He would. but it's finally here. i am in retrospect. and i see that God did give me the grace to finish strong. phew.
sorry, i guess i did summarize a bit. but there's so much more! if anybody's interested, talk to me. i have lot's of stories.
i'm officially a sky-watcher. i guess, i don't know what to call it. but i'm like, obsessed with looking at the clouds and stars. i went so much of my life without appreciating this beauty. what is wrong with me? okay, the thing is that i grew up in a Christian home. and one night when i was in a place WAY out in the boonies, i was laying on my back looking at the stars. there were so many...it was amazing...i have never seen stars like that. well, it was then that i was kind of able to step outside of what i was raised to believe. and it is simply because of the sky and stars that i believe in God. Jesus and Christianity follow later. but the thing is, i just cannot deny God when i look at the sky. even if i'm wrong about His son...i cannot deny God's existence. i would just be fighting if i were to try. all that to say that that's why i love looking at the sky. because i forget about God. i get caught up in the world, in relationships, in heartbreak, in distractions... but the sky reminds me.
okay, so there's this sara grove song that is amazing. i really feel like this song is me or something. please read them.
I'm trying to work things out
I'm trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result
Of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky
Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought
Or maybe there's a loving God
Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there's a loving God
okay, i'm going to switch gears now. are you still with me? i doubt it. but if you are, i'm impressed.
i went and saw little miss sunshine tonight. which is a spectacular movie. i love movies like that because i feel like the catch the tone of reality. this movie really seemed to catch the dysfunction and reality that we try to cover with nine step plans and beauty pageants. in one part, the kid talked about how life is like one beauty pageant after the other- high school, college, marriage, career. i was like, "amen, brother!" but his solution was "find something you love, do it, and f*** the rest." but doesn't that still leave you empty?
i am searching for two things. i am searching for authenticity. the reality that a movie like this reminds us exists. the times when you have that uncomfortable, painful feeling, but your circumstances in life are going just fine. i want to live in this sort of guenuineness where i don't try to hide it. i want to embrace it almost. the second thing i'm searching for is God. they only time i feel a peace, a deep down to the core of my soul peace, is when i am looking at the sky or singing praises to God. when i sing to God...it just feels right. more right than anything i know, feel, or have experienced. i want these two things to be combined. i don't want my relationship with God to look like a beauty pageant mask for the sucky but authentic stuff in life. i want to authentically follow Christ. this is what i want! passionately! but this is my question...what does it look like? i know it's possible, i mean, read about brother lawrence if you aren't convinced it's possible. but this, this is what i want.
hmmm....i apologize for the length of this entry. perhaps next time i'll just post a picture or two to ease the pain. thanks for reading. and i would love feedback...even if you didn't read the whole thing. that's okay.
i'm not going to act like camp was some fantastic spiritual high i got on. because it's not. it was freaking hard. i wanted to quit multiple times during the day. there were times i literally had to go hide and cry. a new week with new campers would come and i would just be like "what the crap, God! you have stretched me past, past, past, past my stretching point!" i knew God would give me the strength to get me through, but i certainly didn't have the faith that He would. but it's finally here. i am in retrospect. and i see that God did give me the grace to finish strong. phew.
sorry, i guess i did summarize a bit. but there's so much more! if anybody's interested, talk to me. i have lot's of stories.
i'm officially a sky-watcher. i guess, i don't know what to call it. but i'm like, obsessed with looking at the clouds and stars. i went so much of my life without appreciating this beauty. what is wrong with me? okay, the thing is that i grew up in a Christian home. and one night when i was in a place WAY out in the boonies, i was laying on my back looking at the stars. there were so many...it was amazing...i have never seen stars like that. well, it was then that i was kind of able to step outside of what i was raised to believe. and it is simply because of the sky and stars that i believe in God. Jesus and Christianity follow later. but the thing is, i just cannot deny God when i look at the sky. even if i'm wrong about His son...i cannot deny God's existence. i would just be fighting if i were to try. all that to say that that's why i love looking at the sky. because i forget about God. i get caught up in the world, in relationships, in heartbreak, in distractions... but the sky reminds me.
okay, so there's this sara grove song that is amazing. i really feel like this song is me or something. please read them.
I'm trying to work things out
I'm trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result
Of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky
Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought
Or maybe there's a loving God
Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there's a loving God
okay, i'm going to switch gears now. are you still with me? i doubt it. but if you are, i'm impressed.
i went and saw little miss sunshine tonight. which is a spectacular movie. i love movies like that because i feel like the catch the tone of reality. this movie really seemed to catch the dysfunction and reality that we try to cover with nine step plans and beauty pageants. in one part, the kid talked about how life is like one beauty pageant after the other- high school, college, marriage, career. i was like, "amen, brother!" but his solution was "find something you love, do it, and f*** the rest." but doesn't that still leave you empty?
i am searching for two things. i am searching for authenticity. the reality that a movie like this reminds us exists. the times when you have that uncomfortable, painful feeling, but your circumstances in life are going just fine. i want to live in this sort of guenuineness where i don't try to hide it. i want to embrace it almost. the second thing i'm searching for is God. they only time i feel a peace, a deep down to the core of my soul peace, is when i am looking at the sky or singing praises to God. when i sing to God...it just feels right. more right than anything i know, feel, or have experienced. i want these two things to be combined. i don't want my relationship with God to look like a beauty pageant mask for the sucky but authentic stuff in life. i want to authentically follow Christ. this is what i want! passionately! but this is my question...what does it look like? i know it's possible, i mean, read about brother lawrence if you aren't convinced it's possible. but this, this is what i want.
hmmm....i apologize for the length of this entry. perhaps next time i'll just post a picture or two to ease the pain. thanks for reading. and i would love feedback...even if you didn't read the whole thing. that's okay.