A weapon of mass destruction.
Not wishing to sound whiny or anything, but this post is a bit of a rant. So if you don't want to read it, here is your opportunity to ignore it. (Just thought I'd get that out of the way).
Perhaps my perspective is slightly blurred and the wine has finally gone to my head...but I feel this has been a long time coming. I'm so sick of feeling like a second hurdle to everybody else and always wanting and never achieving. Everything seems so far out of reach, with happiness and relief being so far away that all I can feel is pain and jealousy. I don't understand how I cope...I put on this pretense that I'm strong and can handle life in general, but the truth is, I can't. I risk sounding like a complete idiot here...but, I'm fed up. Fed up of the pressure. Of feeling inadequate. Of feeling worried. But above all, feeling lonely. Maybe I am doomed to forever be lonely :( and I'm not just talking relationship wise here, I also mean my fears for the future...of losing my family and friends (leaving college has really brought this home and I've only been gone a week!)eep. I know some people thrive off of loneliness, but I can't do that. I have to be around people I care about, otherwise I go insane. Having nobody in the relationship sense really hurts. I won't lie. Yet my confusion has grown so deep...that I almost have no feelings for anything anymore...other than to protect myself from the unintentional harm I am doing to my security and that of others. I could go out...shopping on my own I suppose, to a city where there is lots of people...that would normally cheer me up when I buy things for myself, but, on this occasion I feel it will only make matters much worse. Being around strangers, travelling on my own...it only makes me feel paranoid, above anything else. Which is bad. Very bad.
With my Mother being away too, I feel like I have no one to really talk with...which is depressing. Especially in the state that I am in and the up and coming exams being a few weeks away. It's hitting me hard with the blunt truth. I don't know if I can cope, but I suppose I'll have to...and that is the cruellest part of all. Even if I did want to end it, I couldn't. I'm too much of a weakling at heart. I'd change my mind. Why am I always so damn indecisive?
Perhaps my perspective is slightly blurred and the wine has finally gone to my head...but I feel this has been a long time coming. I'm so sick of feeling like a second hurdle to everybody else and always wanting and never achieving. Everything seems so far out of reach, with happiness and relief being so far away that all I can feel is pain and jealousy. I don't understand how I cope...I put on this pretense that I'm strong and can handle life in general, but the truth is, I can't. I risk sounding like a complete idiot here...but, I'm fed up. Fed up of the pressure. Of feeling inadequate. Of feeling worried. But above all, feeling lonely. Maybe I am doomed to forever be lonely :( and I'm not just talking relationship wise here, I also mean my fears for the future...of losing my family and friends (leaving college has really brought this home and I've only been gone a week!)eep. I know some people thrive off of loneliness, but I can't do that. I have to be around people I care about, otherwise I go insane. Having nobody in the relationship sense really hurts. I won't lie. Yet my confusion has grown so deep...that I almost have no feelings for anything anymore...other than to protect myself from the unintentional harm I am doing to my security and that of others. I could go out...shopping on my own I suppose, to a city where there is lots of people...that would normally cheer me up when I buy things for myself, but, on this occasion I feel it will only make matters much worse. Being around strangers, travelling on my own...it only makes me feel paranoid, above anything else. Which is bad. Very bad.
With my Mother being away too, I feel like I have no one to really talk with...which is depressing. Especially in the state that I am in and the up and coming exams being a few weeks away. It's hitting me hard with the blunt truth. I don't know if I can cope, but I suppose I'll have to...and that is the cruellest part of all. Even if I did want to end it, I couldn't. I'm too much of a weakling at heart. I'd change my mind. Why am I always so damn indecisive?