funny

[its_the_blonde]

so i was kinda in a bad mood and i was reading quotes and i found this one by mitch hedberg and he is hilarious!!
enjoy...its a lot but read as many as you can haha

Mitch Hedberg

• I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."
• I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, "Let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, "Alright, well, put some lettuce on it," which she did. She said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." And they said, "All right, well, then it's free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"
• The last Dawn dishwashing liquid commercial they had on had an oily duck and they cleaned it off. They said "Dawn dishwashing liquid cleans off an oily duck." That's a weird way to advertise a dishwashing liquid. We clean oily ducks and plates, so if you have an oily duck over for dinner we can help you in two ways
• Foosball messed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me.
• I wish I could play Little League now... I'd kick some fuckin' ass. I'd be way better than before. Who's back-up now?
• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're fucking relentless.
• I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got a hole-in-one ... but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore," but I was too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him." I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an asshole.
• You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "No"?
• This one time I was in a convenience store, and a guy came up and asked me, "What's the score?" and I said, "What is the game? If it's a competition between me and you, and the object is to ask the other guy questions that befuddle him, then you are winning, one to nothing. Are you happy now, you competitive fucker!?"
• You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for something. "Why were you late?" "I got caught!" "Bullshit, let me see the inside of your lip!"
• I want to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job working for Mrs. Paul's. Just put me in a boat with some empty boxes and I'll return them to the freezer section of your local grocery store
• You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print 'shake well' on the carton, cause you don't know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, 'Shake to the best of your ability.' Then I'd have a diagram that shows the uninitiated how to shake. 'Alright, put it over here, then put it over here, then put it over here quicker.'
• All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti!...And blankets. We are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children."
• I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzeria ... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizzeria locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."
• I went to a pizzeria and I ordered a slice of pizza; the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the 'donate to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it'!
• When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "DuFrain, party of two. DuFrain, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "DuFrain, party of two, DuFrain, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFrains? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the DuFrains are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the DuFrains
• I have a cheese-shredder, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips
• I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
• I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again," because apparently they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me - "C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait - Fruit on the bottom, hope on top."
• I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential
• I wanted this candy bar in a vending machine..the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, found the H button, and pushed it twice...fuckin', potato chips came out, man, 'cause they had an 'HH' button, for Christ's sake, you need to let me know! I am not familiar with the concept of 'HH!' I did not learn my AA BB CCs. God god dammit dammit!
• They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there's more to it than that. "Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite?" "Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!"
• I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
• I used to buy a lot of M&Ms, they're a delicious candy. But then I switched to aspirin. I find that if you hand your friend two aspirin, he doesn't look at you like you're selfish
• At a stoplight, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. For a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go right ahead, and red means, dude, where the fuck did you get that banana at?
• I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific
• I saw a wino; he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude - you have to wait!"
• You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
• They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank! They're going to have to change that McDonalds song to, 2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a... bun. "What's a sesame seed grow into?" I don't know, we never give them a chance. What the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street. It's a way to... open.. shit. How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical. There has to be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular
• I was at a fair, and they were having a contest. It said, "Guess how many jelly beans there are in the jar" and you win a prize. "Ah c'mon, man, lemme just haaaave some. Tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are right."
• "I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fucker eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
• I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender....all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. "Hey, what does that do?" "It keeps shit fresh." "Well that's a fresher. I'm going on break."
• You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn," and call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it "Mitch," then reattach it and call me "Mitch-all-together.
• "At some comedy clubs they pass out comment cards. You fill it out with your name and address, and there's a line for comments for people to put what they think. Sometimes people write negative things, and that's not necessary. I've read some that say "Mitch sucks" but I look up above and it has their name and address. That's right, I do suck, but I've got a lot of free time.
• In the club when they want to get offstage they turn on a red light that indicated you have five minutes left. Some clubs they'll hold up a candle in the back. That's the worst method because you're up here drinking and you look in the back and see a floating candle. "Aw shit, this place is haunted. I cannot be funny when I'm frightened."
• The host said I needed no introduction, and then he introduced me. But I do need an introduction... or else I would still be back there... behind the curtain... waiting for my name.
• Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. "You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show", but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store" and people would say "Hell yes I have!"
• I met the girl that works at the DoubleTree front desk. She gave me her phone number; it's Zero. I tried to call her from here; some other woman answered. I said, "You sound older"
• I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try hitting four and five back to back real quick."
• I'm staying at a hotel and it doesn't have a 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But c'mon, people on the fourteenth floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401." "No you're NOT!
• Sometimes the hotel I stay at has a minibar. A minibar is a machine that makes everything... expensive. And when I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'm gonna replace it before they can check me off and charge me. But they make that shit impossible to replace. I go to the store, "Do you have Coke in a glass harmonica? Do you have individually wrapped cashews?
• I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down
• I got a lamp in my hotel room and it has a 3-way lightbulb in it. If you don't know a lightbulb is a 3-way lightbulb, it messes with your head, because you go to turn it off and it just gets brighter. Like "Damn it, lightbulb, that's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do." And then you turn it again and it gets brighter once more. "I will break you."
• Xylophone is spelled with an X. It should be a Z. Xylophone ZZZ X, I don't fucking see it. Next time you spell Xylophone, spell it with a Z. If someone tells you that's wrong, say "no it ain't." If you think that that's wrong then you need to get your head Z-Rayed. It's like X didn't have enough to do so they had to promise it more. "Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but you will have a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be equated with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing 'Christmas' easier. And you will incidentally start 'xylophone.' Are you happy now, you fucking X?"
• I'd like to take a toothpick and throw it into a forest and say, 'You're home.'
• One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you do that? Let me see that camera."
• I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly.
• I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like 222-2222. I would say, "Sweet." People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough. Instead of 'hello,' I say STOP!!!"
• You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy, but oftentimes they use too many letters? "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-LOVE-BRAND-NEW-CARPETING." I like to spell it out til the bitter end, and if the lady's still on the other end, God bless her. (Alt: 1-800-I-REALLY-ENJOY-CARPETING. It's too many letters man, must I dial them all? "Hello?" "Hold on, man. I'm only on 'enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good. I can see why they hired you.")
• I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!' and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye,' then you can yell 'Cut!'"
• Dr. Scholl is a doctor, which means he spent nine years in med school. That man wasted his time. It took him nine years to learn that cushions make shoes comfortable. I would have bought that shit from a Mr. Scholl. Maybe even a Señor Scholl
• Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Like if you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it's like a weak midget is trying to bring you down
• And then at the end of the letter I like to write, "P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
• I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?
• I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too.
• I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table.
• I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry!"
• Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says, right on the bottle, 'Do not have more than 2.' Well then do not put a candy coating around it, for I cannot help myself. Let me have 10 Advil. I got a sweet tooth
• Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having. "Dammit, Otto, you are an alcoholic." "Dammit, Otto, you have Lupus." One of those two doesn't sound right.
• My manager told me, "Mitch, don't use alcohol as a crutch." I can't use alcohol as a crutch because a crutch is something that helps me walk. Alcohol severely fucks up the way I walk. It's more like the step I didn't see
• I think Visine is only used by potheads. Who else would use Visine? "I use Visine because I don't want people to know that I was swimming."
• When we were on acid we would go into the woods; because when you were in the woods trippin' there was less likely a chance you'd run into an authority figure ... but we ran into a bear; that was even more of a buzz-kill. My friend Duayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder and said to me "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person."
• When I went to England to tell this joke, I had to find out if they knew who Smokey the Bear was. But they didn't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say 'here comes that frog' in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. 'Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he'll settle near me, and I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air.
• Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup
• I would imagine if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. You'd say "Shut up! I don't understand! 'Share'...'the'...'we'...'too' -- I don't get it!"
• When it comes to racism, some people say, "I don't care if they are black, white, purple or green." Ah, hold on now...purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocatin'... Then, help 'em!
• Thirteen's an unlucky number. If thirteen's unlucky, then so should the letter B be. Cuz B looks like a scrunched together thirteen. "Hello. What's your name?" "BOB" "Get the fuck away!"
• I've got a fire alarm at home. But really it's like a 9-volt battery slowly drainer. "Do you want to slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle

 

- funniest man on earth!!